Roy arrived home feeling completely starved—not to mention exhausted. He wasn't sure if he should make himself some coffee or just go right to bed. All he wanted to do was have dinner, shower, and go to bed, but eating was out of the question for now.
That wasn't completely true. He very badly wanted to go to Hughes' house and apologize. That was also out of the question.
Roy needed some time to fix his mistakes from the previous night. He also needed some time to decide what exactly he was going to allow Hughes to be privy to. He supposed it depended on how Hughes reacted. If he was going to get irreversibly angry with Roy, then he wasn't going to show all of his cards. There wasn't a point in sharing his eating habits with Hughes if he was going to turn his back on Roy.
Hughes completely dismissing Roy was unlikely. Still, Roy didn't want to rule the possibility out entirely.
Deciding against the coffee, Roy jumped in the shower. He kept his eyes shut almost the entire time, not wanting to see the hair circling the drain. Once he was out, he dried himself, facing away from the mirror. When he was changed into something more comfortable, Roy turned around to face himself in the shower.
He wished his face wasn't so puffy. He wished that wasn't getting a bruise on his knuckles. He wished he didn't care so much about his weight. He wished that he was promoted instead of Hughes.
Roy wished a lot of things.
Slumping into his armchair, Roy chewed on his problems. He knew that he had to find some way to apologize properly to Hughes. He also knew that the way to properly apologize to him was to be honest about Lior and his eating problems. He had come so damn close to just admitting everything before he had gotten into that stupid argument with Hughes. All he had to do was blurt it out and stop thinking so much about it.
Well, it wasn't that easy. It wasn't as if all of his problems would just go away after confiding in Hughes. In actuality, there were probably many things that would become so much more difficult. He knew that he would actually have to face what happened in Ishval head-on—if that was actually the catalyst to his eating issues.
His mind drifted, Roy wondered if he should only allow Hughes to be privy to his eating habits. He knew that once someone was outrightly aware of it, he would have to start eating normally and he would be expected to put weight back on.
Roy let his head fall back and began to doze.
The following day, when he woke, his back felt still and his head was aching. When he rose to stand, he felt dizzy. He sat back down. He tried again, ignoring the dizziness, and went to make some coffee.
It was obvious he wasn't ready to discuss things with Hughes yet. "Fixing" his actions from a couple of nights ago was his way of stalling. He knew that. If he was going to be honest with Hughes about his eating habits and Lior, it really didn't matter if he "fixed" his actions from a couple of nights ago.
It didn't seem entirely irrational to think that perhaps Hughes would approach Roy first and corner him into apologizing. Of course, that wouldn't be Hughes' way of thinking of it, but it would certainly feel that way to Roy. Hughes had always given Roy the chance to apologize, even when he wasn't ready to swallow his pride. This time? There wasn't a way Roy could be sure. It was rather unlikely still, especially considering there wasn't even a possibility of the two bumping into each other at HQ.
When Roy had ordered, for lack of a better word, Hughes to leave his office, Roy had thought that was the worst thing he could have done. As if he was spitting on all the things Hughes has done for him and the fact that was pushing him to the top. He could not have imagined that he would have spoken to Hughes like that.
Roy knew himself as someone very selfish and career-driven. He supposed the latter wasn't completely true now. Even if he had no way of knowing that going to Lior (or perhaps only getting injured in Lior) was going to land Hughes a promotion, Roy knew it would have looked good to be the highest-ranking soldier there, especially if things went well. Roy was just selfish then, not even for any overarching greater good. Just plain selfish.
Sipping his coffee, Roy pondered his decision about telling the lieutenant not to go to Lior. He didn't want anything to happen to her, of course, and he hadn't want her to be in a similar position as to the one in Ishval, but he wondered if his intentions were all pure. Roy would just about lose his lid if by some chance in Hell the lieutenant had also gotten a promotion. That was unfathomable, both because Roy didn't want that to ever be true (as she would most likely no longer be right at his side) and because the chances were far too improbable. Still, Roy was constantly acting out of irrationality. Why would this be any different?
The lieutenant was nothing if not loyal to him. it was uncomfortable to realize how selfish he could be.
Still, it was better, either way, that the lieutenant not go to Lior. It was odd that she was given the choice though. Perhaps the fuhrer felt it wouldn't be right to take her from under Roy...? He couldn't be sure. Considering Roy had not gone to Lior and the fuhrer thought he had a medical issue, Roy did not want to speak to him and press the issue. It would only cause Roy to be backed in a corner where he would probably out something he'd rather keep private.
It was tempting to ask about Hughes' promotion. Two whole ranks! Not only was being promoted from Lieutenant Colonel but he was being promoted all the way to Brigadier General! Roy had always kept his eyes peeled and ears open for rumors about promotions and spots that needed to be filled, he never once heard of any openings.
When he was finished with his coffee, Roy debated eating some breakfast. He knew that if he really planned on telling Hughes everything that these few days spent "fixing" a couple of nights ago were moot. There wasn't much of a point in starving himself if he was going to have to eat properly under Hughes' presumably watchful eye after confessing to him.
It still felt like failing by eating now. At least if Hughes was backing him against a wall, it wouldn't feel like his fault for eating. He wouldn't really be failing, there would be no choice but to eat. But right now? Roy still had the choice. It wasn't as if now, right now, anyone was forcing him to eat. If he didn't want to, right now, he didn't have to. At least for a few more days, he still had the choice.
Well, that wasn't totally true. It wasn't as if he could just not eat for a few days and be fine off. He feared that he would faint. Again. The thought of that was almost worse than the thought of eating. That wasn't an immediate threat. Not right now at least.
Roy went to HQ without any breakfast.
In the break room, he helped himself to more coffee, wanting at least something in his stomach, even if not food. Havoc and Breda were in the breakroom, so he left and went to the office. The lieutenant was sitting quietly at her desk doing paperwork.
"Good morning," he said.
"Good morning, Colonel," she said pleasantly. "There are some things for you to sign. I left them on your desk."
Roy sat down and took a sip of his coffee. He looked over at the lieutenant again. She looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back.
For now, things were alright. Roy could be happy that he and the lieutenant had spoken (somewhat) honestly the previous day and be hopeful that their relationship would be back to normal soon. All he had to do for the next few days was push Hughes out of his mind. Things with him would patch themselves up soon enough. Moreover, this constant secret-keeping and lonely worrying about his weight could finally start to alleviate.
It was hard not to wonder what Hughes would think of Roy's admission. Even if Hughes were to not think of ill of Roy, he would surely think of Roy differently. Roy wondered how exactly Hughes would react in the moment. He could only imagine Hughes frowning and asking why would Roy ever think to do such a thing to himself.
Roy decided definitely to never tell anyone he was purging his food. He could be honest with Hughes about his fixation on his weight without mentioning that. Hughes (or anyone for that matter) did not have to know that. There would be no coming back from admitting that. Hughes would surely never let Roy out of his sight after. a meal. Or worse, Hughes might go to someone to try and help Roy as, admittedly, throwing up your food wasn't a very sane thing to do. There really was no way of explaining it.
Hughes would forgive Roy, he knew that. That almost made it worse.
Roy kept his head down in his paperwork until the afternoon. He was starting to feel absolutely starving at this point. It was odd that the lieutenant hadn't pressed Roy about eating at all yesterday. Perhaps she had somehow thought she just missed him eating his lunch...? Either way, it was relaxing to not have her so suspicious of him.
What would he do about today? If Hawkeye was in this office all day surely she would notice that he wasn't eating. Was it too much to hope she would believe he was getting lunch by himself if he stepped out of the office? Probably.
Roy glanced over at Hawkeye to see if she was looking at him too. She wasn't. She was reading a newspaper. Roy wondered if she was thinking about what Roy's lunch would be. She had to be. Everyone but them had already eaten their lunch and was now back in the office. Was Hawkeye waiting for him?
"I'm going to get lunch," said Roy, standing up. "I forgot to bring one."
The lieutenant looked up at him. "Alright."
Roy looked at her for a few moments. All Hawkeye did was look back down at her newspaper.
"Aren't you going to have lunch?" he asked.
"In a few," she said. "I just want to finish reading this."
Roy stood there for a few more moments. When the lieutenant didn't raise her head again, he grabbed his coat and left.
That was odd. Roy wasn't going to complain about Hawkeye not pressing him, but it was strange that she had just accepted his words at face value. Just as she had always done. Was it the fact that Roy had opened up to her yesterday?
As Roy got into his car, he thought about how the lieutenant wouldn't ever know the truth about his eating habits. He felt bad about that. The only reason she had pressed and prodded at Roy was that she cared. Even when Roy had asked her the previous day if she still thought that he had an eating disorder, she replied that she wasn't sure (which was probably the truth) and that she only wanted to see him better. She also said that it didn't matter if she was right; Roy didn't really believe that she felt that.
If Roy were to get better, he knew that his weight gain would be incredibly noticeable. Firstly, the ridiculous new uniforms—that did not have to be made, the old ones were fine—were going to be an issue. Even if somehow in Hell no one noticed his weight gain, the uniform was undoubtedly going to be a problem with no real way of skirting around. The only way to rectify that was to get a new uniform. The thought of that was absolutely mortifying.
Roy drove around for a little, trying to clear his head. He didn't want to worry about his uniform right now. Maybe there was a way to discreetly get a new one in a bigger size. He already knew that getting new measurements was going to make his head spin, but at some point, there wouldn't be an option otherwise. It was going to be beyond embarrassing to have to get a new uniform and the entire thing filled him with immense dread.
There were many different avenues of confessing to Hughes. He didn't want to make it seem as though he had only lied to hide his weight issues. Roy had really lied to get Hughes' approval. He owed it to Hughes to be completely honest about everything, and that meant not putting the blame on his eating problems for telling him he chose not to go to Lior.
When Roy went back into HQ, he had another cup of coffee. He went into his office and saw the lieutenant was wrapping her lunch. No one else was in the office. When Roy sat down, the lieutenant threw her things away and came to his desk.
"Sir, is everything alright?"
Roy looked up at her. Well, so much for fooling her.
"Yes?" Roy said, posing his answer as a question. "Why are you asking me that?"
"Well, you left, sir."
"I'm aware, Lieutenant. I went to have lunch. I forgot mine, I told you that."
"Oh," said Hawkeye, her eyebrows going up. "That's where you really were?"
"Yes?" Roy said again, in the same tone as before. "What? Did you think I was speaking in code?"
The lieutenant turned her head to take a quick look at the door.
"I thought you were going to see Hughes," she said quietly. "And that you didn't want anyone to overhear."
Roy rose a brow. "Why would I lie about that?"
"Well, you two did have that fight," said Hawkeye.
"But no one knows that except you," Roy replied. "Unless you're still writing your gossip column about me."
The lieutenant frowned. "Colonel, I already apologized about discussing you behind your back."
"Did you?"
Hawkeye put her brows together, averting her eyes, probably asking herself if she did. She did not.
"Well, I apologize," she said. "And I apologize for not saying that yesterday."
"Thank you."
Just as Roy had done before he left, Hawkeye stood at his desk not saying anything. She shifted a bit.
"Well?" Roy asked. "Is there something else?"
"You and Hughes didn't speak yet?"
"No, I just told you that."
"I think you should plan on doing it sooner rather than later, sir, " said Hawkeye. "You wouldn't want Hughes to get to thinking you'll never come around to apologize to him."
Even if it was likely that Roy and Hughes weren't going to speak to each other until Roy apologized first, it didn't seem likely that Hughes would get to thinking anything like that. He knew Roy better than anyone. He knew Roy needed to swallow his pride before apologizing to him.
That wasn't really true. Roy was trying to give himself a few more days of being in control of his diet.
"I told you I need some time, Lieutenant," Roy said. "I'm sure he does too."
"I understand that, but—"
The door whined open and Hawkeye cut herself off. She and Roy looked at the door, saw it was Falman, looked back at each other. Hawkeye leaned in and spoke quietly.
"I understand that, but," she started again, "I know that not apologizing to him must be putting a lot of strain on you."
Roy scoffed. "On me? What about him?"
"Exactly, sir," said Hawkeye. "You really should speak to him."
Roy looked up at her. He wasn't exactly just able to say, "I'd like to be able to starve myself for a few days before speaking to him, Lieutenant." There wasn't really an easy lie to tell Hawkeye that would alleviate her worries. She was right. Hughes might not be thinking that Roy needed time to swallow his pride. He might be thinking that this was the end of the line for the two. The two were in uncharted waters at this point.
"I will, Lieutenant."
Roy moved his gaze to her desk, not so subtly telling her to go sit back down. She looked at him for a few moments before turning away and going back to her desk.
As the rest of his subordinates came into the room and there was some small chatter, Roy was thankful no one was looking his way. He gulped his coffee, trying to not feel so hungry. He was thankful that he had started taking his coffee black so that he could at least have it throughout the day. Roy looked down, covered his eyes and closed them. He was so incredibly tired. No, that was an understatement. Roy was completely exhausted.
Roy knew that right when he got home all he was going to do was shower and go right into bed. He was almost elated just thinking about it.
The coffee didn't really help much to keep him awake and it certainly did not help to keep him alert. Roy could feel himself lulling into the familiar warm, relaxing feeling before you drift off to sleep. He willed himself to lift his head and resume his paperwork. He knew that if he continued to sit like this then he could just fall...asleep...
Roy's head fell forward and wham! He banged his head right onto his desk.
Instantly awake and alert, Roy's head shot right up. Everyone in the office had stopped talking and was looking at him.
"Colonel?" said Havoc, a laugh threatening to come out. "Are you okay?"
Roy looked over to Hawkeye. She had her hand over her mouth and Roy could tell she wanted to laugh too.
"I guess I'm..." Roy trailed off. "I'm quite tired."
Havoc laughed. "You think?"
Roy allowed himself to laugh and saw that Hawkeye did too. He rubbed his eyes, yawning.
"It's been a long day, okay?" Roy cried, good-naturedly. "I needed some shut-eye."
"That's not the first time this has happened," said Fuery. "If I recall correctly."
"The number of times I've come into this office to see you napping at your desk," said Hawkeye, laughing.
Roy looked around the office, feeling a little embarrassed but still thankful that his subordinates were the way that they were. They always were there for him, Roy knew that, but it could still feel impossible to open up to them properly.
A leader had to be someone who was confident and assured of themselves. Not someone who was starving themselves and throwing up what he ate.
"Alright, alright." Roy waved his hand. "Like any of you have never caught a wink of sleep here."
"You got me there," Breda mumbled.
Roy shook his head and looked back down at the papers on his desk. Again, the similar chatter resumed and Roy's embarrassment had been forgotten.
At the end of the day, Roy all but leaped from his desk to leave. In a disguised rush, Roy gathered his things, gave a good-bye, and bolted for the door. Before Roy could get in his car, the lieutenant had approached him suddenly.
"Colonel," she said.
"AH!" Roy jumped and turned to face her. "Lieutenant...why sneak up on me like that?"
"I'm sorry. i didn't mean to." Hawkeye was smiling. "I just wanted to see if you—"
"No," Roy cut her off. "I'm not going to see Hughes."
"I wasn't going to ask that, Colonel. I was going to ask you to dinner." Hawkeye paused. "Unless you're busy?"
Roy looked at the lieutenant. She was standing there, holding her bag and blinking at him innocently. For once it didn't feel like she was baiting him into cornering him pressing about his weight. He didn't want to turn her down, but he still needed to fix a couple of nights ago.
"Well..." Roy trailed off.
"If you're busy, it's alright. Another time."
Roy frowned even the lieutenant was still smiling.
"No, tonight," said Roy. "I'll be there at seven to pick you up?"
Hawkeye's smile bloomed into a grin. "That sounds great! I'll see you then, Colonel."
Roy mechanically returned the smile and got into his car as the lieutenant walked to her car. He hadn't really known why he agreed. He wanted to go home and sleep so badly. It would at least be better if it felt the lieutenant was forcing him and then he could at least eat with her out of erasing her suspicion. Now, Hawkeye was asking innocently enough if Roy would like to have dinner with her. It could have very easily said no, but he hadn't. He agreed to go because he completely starving and couldn't help himself.
As much as he missed just relaxing and enjoying time with his lieutenant, he couldn't believe that was the presiding reason he had agreed. There was very little food at his apartment and the thought of going to bed hungry could drive him insane. He knew he would be tossing and turning thinking of food.
It was hard to not think of himself as a failure. The only thing he had to do for the next few days was to eat enough to keep him from fainting. That's all. But he had gone ahead and agreed to get dinner with the lieutenant anyway.
Roy was sure that in some twisted way he was self-sabotaging by making himself feel worse. He knew that no matter how pleasant his evening with the lieutenant would be, he was only going to spend the rest of the night sulking and brooding about that fact that he ate.
Whatever the reason was, it didn't really matter at this point. Roy had already agreed to dinner. He might as well try to enjoy it.
After stopping home, showering, and getting dressed in nice clothes (that he couldn't help but recognize how differently they had fit from before), Roy made his way to the lieutenant's house. When he had arrived, she was only wearing her towel as she answered the door.
"Oh, I...isn't it seven?" Roy asked awkwardly, looking anywhere but her.
"I know, I'm sorry," said Hawkeye, ushering Roy in. "I lost track of time."
When Roy finally did take a look at the lieutenant, he saw that she was wearing a full face of makeup and that her hair was done.
"You look nice," he said.
"Wait till you see what I'm wearing. Just sit there," Hawkeye motioned to her couch, "I'll be dressed in a few seconds."
Roy did as he was told and waited for her. As badly as he felt about agreeing to the meal, it made him feel guilty that he had even thought about saying when he saw all the effort she was putting in. Hawkeye was clearly excited about going to dinner with him and all he was going to be thinking about was how he should be starving himself instead.
In a few moments, Hawkeye appeared from her room in a royal blue dress and was holding her heels. She leaned on the door frame as she slipped them onto her feet. Roy couldn't help but let his gaze linger.
"You really look great," said Roy.
"Thank you," she said with a smile.
Roy stood up. "Well, uh, should we get going?"
As the two approached Roy's car, Roy went to the passenger's side to open the door for Hawkeye. She thanked him and got in. Once Roy was inside, she turned to him.
"I was hoping you'd say yes," Hawkeye said. "I actually called for a reservation this morning."
"Really? Where?"
"That nice place by the courthouse? You know?"
Roy smiled. "Yes, I know of it, Lieutenant."
He glanced over and Hawkeye smiled too. Again, he felt guilty. It was obvious that Hawkeye was looking forward to this evening. Roy was grateful that he had said yes now; he wouldn't want to even imagine how disappointed the lieutenant would have been if he had said no.
"I know you're tired and all," Hawkeye started. "So I do appreciate you saying yes."
"No, no, I'm fine," Roy lied. "You know when you just start to get drowsy in the afternoon? Even if you were fine before?"
"I call that the 'afternoon drowsies'," she said. "I'm sure that bang to your head was a good way to wake yourself up."
"Oh, that's cute," Roy teased. "And you've never fallen asleep at work? Not once?"
"Honestly? No, I don't think I have."
"Well, you have my job and will see how hard it is to stay awake," said Roy. "Some of those stacks of paperwork is enough to make you go blind."
"Are you forgetting all my paperwork? Or all the times I've done yours for you?"
"Why do you think I'm so tired, Lieutenant? Nothing to keep my mind occupied."
The two of them shared a laugh. Roy again felt a wave of gratefulness that he had agreed to go, but again he felt a little guilty that he wasn't planning on ever letting her privy to his weight issues.
When Roy stopped laughing, he suddenly realized that even if he didn't allow her to be privy to it, she would realize she was right. Roy could be assured that Hughes would never pass his confession onto anyone else, but perhaps she would know that she was right even if only by the fact that she was not given a reason for his low weight. There was really nothing Roy could do about that, unfortunately. Knowing the lieutenant, she wouldn't go up to Roy and asked if she was right. She would only be glad to see him doing better.
As she had said
Any comfort Roy had gotten from controlling his diet was marred by ruining the relationships with those around him. The sooner he fixed this, the sooner he could have his relationships back. All Roy had to do was confess to Hughes and things would get easier from there.
Right? They had to. He didn't want to do this anymore.
"Good thing you made that reservation," said Roy once they got to the restaurant. "This place looks packed!"
"I knew it would be, sir."
Roy parked and got out of the car. He went over to her side and opened the door for her and put his arm out for her to take.
"Colonel, you don't have to be such a gentleman. I asked you to dinner, remember?"
"I know, but—"
"Thank you," Hawkeye said. She looked up at him with a smile.
When the two were finally sitting down, Roy wasn't sure what exactly to do. Was there even a point in trying to eat light? Roy felt like he was making excuses for himself. Even if he was going to resume eating normally, he wanted these last few days.
He thought about this how many times now! Constantly! The same conversations and arguments were happening over and over again. He was getting so sick and tired of this. The same monotony of each day being the same exact thoughts and the same—
"Colonel?" Hawkeye was saying. "Are you listening to me?"
"Sorry. I was someplace else," Roy said, embarrassed. "What were you saying?"
"I was just asking if you wanted to get wine," she said.
"Oh, sure." Roy smiled at her. "I know you like white, so you can get that."
"I know you don't like it, sir. Are you sure?"
"I don't dislike it," said Roy. "Get what you like, Lieutenant. It's my treat."
"No, no, no. I'm paying, Colonel."
Roy looked down at the menu and said good-naturedly, "Well, then definitely get what you want."
Roy knew that he was going to beat her to bill anyway. He always did. Had.
The monotony of his life now was nothing new. Pondering monotony itself had become a routine for him. Roy knew that it had to be over soon. Even if he weren't to tell Hughes about anything (which presently was not an option Roy was truly considering), what was going to happen if Roy needed a new uniform because he lost weight. Before, when he noticed his original uniform getting bigger, or feeling bigger, it made Roy elated. Now, the idea of his uniform becoming ill-fitting was utterly terrifying. It would only serve to make everyone to keep pressing and prodding and would give him truly no choice but to come clean and get some help.
At least if he told Hughes now about his eating habits, Roy could feel as though he was choosing to do so. The real reason he had lied to Hughes was because he wanted to make him proud, even if his low weight was the thing giving him an avenue to do that. It only felt right to come clean about everything, even if technically he could admit to Hughes he had lied, apologize, and move on.
When the waiter had come by, Hawkeye ordered a bottle of wine for them to split. She put down her menu.
"Any idea what you're going to get? I'm thinking fish."
"If we're having white wine, I suppose I'll get that too," Roy said, feeling as though he was lying even if he wasn't. At least he wasn't getting a salad.
After the two ordered and the waiter gave them their wine, the lieutenant began to shift in her seat. Roy could tell she was feeling awkward about something. He could figure out what she wanted to talk about.
"I'm going to talk to Hughes," Roy said. "Don't think that I'm just going to let this stew."
"How did you—? I would really rather you just get it over with, Colonel."
"I know that."
"We have the day off tomorrow. Do it then."
Now it was Roy's turn to start shifting in his seat.
"I don't know..." said Roy uneasily. "I just need—"
"Colonel," Hawkeye said sternly. Roy stopped. "Speak to Hughes. You'll feel better than you did it sooner than later."
Roy took a sip of his wine to stall.
"I'm sure it'll be much easier than you think," Hawkeye continued when Roy stayed silent. "You just need to do it so you two can move past this."
"Tomorrow." Roy felt his mouth moving and heard words coming out. "I'll talk to him tomorrow."
Hawkeye smiled. "Good. You can call me before if you need someone to talk to. You know I'm always here."
"I know, Lieutenant. Thank you."
Why had Roy just done that?! He would be better off putting his tape over his mouth rather than socializing. He was clearly incapable of making his own decisions at this point. For someone so obsessed with control, he was doing a great job at losing it.
Was that the point? He was giving up control over his eating so he might as well give up control over everything else?
Roy didn't want to spend the night psychoanalyzing himself. The lieutenant had invited him to dinner. She had put effort into looking nice and Roy was going to respect that.
"I talked to the fuhrer," said Hawkeye, too casually for Roy's liking.
"And?"
"And I'm not going to Lior."
"I can't help but wonder why he left it as an option," said Roy. "What did he say when you told him I told you not to go."
"He asked 'is that so?' I told him it was so. He nodded and let me leave," Hawkeye replied. "That was all, sir."
'That's it? He didn't ask why or anything like that? He didn't ask to speak to me?"
Hawkeye shook her head. "No. I thought it was strange too, but I didn't want to press him. I hope you understand."
"I get it," said Roy. "I just find it odd."
"Maybe I'm wrong, but it makes me feel more relaxed about what's going on in Lior," Hawkeye admitted quietly. "If I was forced to go then I believe that would mean things are very bad over there."
"Perhaps you're right, Lieutenant."
The two went quiet. Roy could assume that Hawkeye was thinking about Lior, as he was. What was going on there? What the lieutenant was probably not worrying about was...
"I wonder how Private Zell is making out," Roy said listlessly. "I feel bad that I was the one who picked him to go and then didn't go myself."
"You didn't really have a choice, sir."
"Well, I—" Roy quickly shut his mouth. "No, I suppose not."
"I'm sure he's alright."
"I hope so. I spoke with his superior and she never got a chance to speak with him. Maybe I should try again to ask about him," Roy mumbled. "I find it weird that Hughes was able to speak to me so often but Zell couldn't ever find the time to report to his superior."
"Maybe it wasn't about finding the time..."
Roy knew the implication of Hawkeye's comment. He chose not to entertain it.
"I'll speak with Miranda again when we're back at HQ."
Hawkeye nodded and the two were quiet again. It would seem that Hawkeye was probably right; things weren't so bad in Lior. Still, it was worrying that Private Zell never spoke with his superior.
"Anyway," Roy said uneasily. antsy to get away from their current topic. "Besides Lior, how have you been?"
"Honestly? After our...conversation yesterday, I'm feeling so much better," Hawkeye replied. "I feel relaxed. More normal."
"All things considered, I do too. I'm happy we talked."
"So am I." Hawkeye paused. "Colonel, if you don't want to talk about this, we don't have to, but I want to ask."
What now?!
"Yes?"
"Are you going to start seeing a psychiatrist soon?" she asked. "I know you said that the doctor had given you some recommendations, but when might you start to see one?"
"I've been putting it off," Roy said, which wasn't a complete lie. He didn't bother to mention that he had no real intentions to ever seeing one. Then, which was not a lie whatsoever, he continued, "The thought of actually going makes me nervous."
"I understand, sir, but I think it would make you feel better."
"I know, but still."
"Can I tell you something, Colonel?"
Roy shifted. "Yes...?"
"After Ishval, when it became too much to handle," Hawkeye started. "I saw a psychiatrist for a bit."
Roy's eyes went up in surprise. He hadn't expected her to say that.
"You did? For how long?"
"Maybe a year or so," she said. "I stopped when I felt like I had the right coping strategies."
"You really feel like it helped?"
"Yes, sir," said Hawkeye. "It really did help me to just talk everything out with someone."
Roy chewed on it. He really didn't like the idea of airing out his dirty laundry to someone he didn't know. They would never really know him the way that someone like Hughes or Hawkeye did; they wouldn't even know him as well as any of his other subordinates. So, what was the point? Roy was supposed to spill his guts to some complete outsider?
How would he ever explain Ishval to them?
"Hmm," was all Roy gave.
"I know. I was really nervous too, but it goes away after a little while. You'll start to feel more comfortable opening up."
Roy was quiet for a few moments. There was something he wanted to ask the lieutenant.
"Lieutenant," he started. "You wouldn't be upset if I were to talk to someone else?"
"What?"
"You wouldn't feel...betrayed or something like that?"
Hawkeye opened her mouth but quickly shut it. She sat for a few moments, turning over her answer instead of blurting something out as Roy would. Her mouth was a thin straight line.
"Can I be frank with you, Colonel?"
Before, the lieutenant would never even think about asking that.
"I'd like you to be."
"As much as I'd like to be your confidant," she said. "I understand that sometimes that won't always be the case. I would only feel betrayed if for some reason you felt as though you couldn't tell me something."
"What do you mean?" Roy asked.
"I mean if you were keeping something from me because you thought I would judge you, or think ill of you, or something like that."
Instead of being calculated like Hawkeye was, Roy blurted, "But if you just can't help me?"
Roy expected her to instantly pounce on him and ask "help with what, Colonel?" in that special tone of hers, when she already knew the answer. Instead, Hawkeye's head went back and she laughed.
"I'm not a psychiatrist, Colonel," she said, still laughing. "I know that I can't fix everything."
Roy didn't respond, so she added:
"Unless you did want to talk to me about. Then, I'd want to hear whatever you have to say."
Roy nodded, still quiet.
"Is it about Ishval?" she asked quietly. "Whatever you've been...dealing with lately?"
"In all honesty..." Roy trailed off.
Now the lieutenant wasn't pressing and cornering Roy, he thought about just being honest with her. She was looking at him, patiently waiting for the end of his sentence. She wasn't at the edge of her seat or forcing Roy to squirm to find an answer.
"I don't know," he finished. "I think it had effects I'm barely aware of."
"That's why I think it's best to talk to a psychiatrist," said Hawkeye, still speaking quite casually. "They'll help you get everything out that you've been suppressing."
Roy must have made a face.
"I know. What fun that sounds like," she teased. "Must I promise you, you will get something valuable out of it. If you do go."
The lieutenant was speaking so honestly and openly that it made Roy's chest ache. She was done with trying to trap into admitting something. She had gotten some type of confession out of him yesterday. When she had said that it didn't matter if she was right about his weight loss, she was being honest.
Why couldn't he just be honest?
Before Roy could respond, the waiter came with their dinners. Hawkeye's eyes went wide.
"Wow!" she said. "This looks incredible."
"You said it," Roy mumbled.
Hawkeye unrolled her napkin to get her utensils, practically squirming with excitement. Roy envied her. Though, to say he wasn't excited whatsoever would be a lie. This was his first meal in almost two whole days, of course, he couldn't help but be a little excited—no matter how disgusting it made him feel with himself.
"Well, anyway," Hawkeye started, not mentioning that Roy didn't start eating yet. "I just wanted you to know that I went. It's not as bad as you're making it out to be."
"As bad," Roy echoed, hinting at a smile. "So it's bad?"
"You know what I mean, sir!"
The lieutenant rolled her eyes good-naturedly. Roy looked down at his food and swallowed thickly. He glanced up at Hawkeye briefly, who was looking down at her own plate. Slowly, Roy took his fork and moved it to his plate. Then, slower, he moved his fork to his mouth. He could cry right here. It felt so good just to have something in his mouth that wasn't black coffee.
Hawkeye looked up at him. "Isn't this place great? Good food, good wine, it's nice and quiet too."
Roy nodded, swallowing his food. His uniform came to mind. How long would that last him?
Hawkeye frowned. "You don't like it?"
"Huh? No...I'm—" Roy stopped. "I'm just thinking about Hughes."
"I mean this in the best way possible, sir, but put him out of your mind."
"But—"
"You'll talk to him tomorrow, sir," said the lieutenant. "Relax for now."
"You're right, Lieutenant," Roy said. As if to prove he was relaxed, Roy took another bite of his meal. "I should just enjoy this."
They sat quietly as they ate. Roy could sense that Hawkeye wasn't feeling as uncomfortable as he was, or uncomfortable at all. She seemed content to just be sitting there across from him. Roy, on the other hand, didn't like the silence. He didn't want to just hear his own thoughts telling him to stop eating.
"Anyway," he said. "How's Catalina?"
"She's good! She got some praise from her superior and she's been mentioning it non-stop." Hawkeye laughed. "I told her no one was out to get her."
"Hmm. When you start to feel that, it's hard to talk yourself out of it."
"Yeah, I know what you mean, but still," she paused. "Rebecca needs to constantly be told she's doing good. She has no self-reassurance."
"You ever notice Fuery can be like that?" Roy asked. "He looks at you with these wide eyes just waiting to be told he did well."
The lieutenant laughed. "I have noticed that. Breda on the other hand...couldn't care less if you think he does well."
"Oh, I'm well aware of that."
There was a lull. "Can I ask you a question, sir?"
"Sure," Roy said skeptically.
"Well, it's more like a favor."
"Alright...? What is it, Lieutenant?"
"Can you teach me to play chess?" she asked.
Roy couldn't help but burst out laughing. He glanced around the restaurant to see a couple of people looking his way. He looked back at the lieutenant.
"Why," he said, "would you want me to teach you?"
"Aren't you good at it?"
"I lose!"
"Against General Grumman maybe..." Roy laughed again. "Actually...I really only play against him...and myself."
"Yourself, sir?"
"For practice, you know. But I always let myself win."
Hawkeye giggled, hiding her mouth behind her hand. Roy loved her laugh, it was so feminine.
"So I should get someone else to teach me?" she asked.
"I'll teach you if you want," said Roy. "I wasn't aware you didn't know how to play."
Hawkeye shrugged. "I never cared to learn before."
"So why now?"
"I don't know," she said. "Something to do."
Roy made to respond but stopped himself. He could see right through the lieutenant. He knew why there was this sudden urge to learn chess from Roy.
Hawkeye wanted to spend more time with him. It was the same reason she had asked him to dinner. The two had been so strained that she was clearly antsy to just some time with Roy. Roy felt bad about keeping further than an arm's length away.
"Huh. Yeah, I'll teach you, Lieutenant," Roy said, smiling. "I can't promise you'll be any good though."
Hawkeye gave another feminine giggle.
Roy willed himself to stop thinking about what he was eating and just think about the lieutenant. If he really had control over his eating, there should be no issues with that.
The two continued to talk all while Roy had an internal argument within himself, trying to get whatever disordered part of himself to shut up. It was almost like a phone call from someone he didn't like constantly going ringing that only he could hear. It was incredibly distracting no matter how much he wanted to ignore it.
Of course, Roy had paid despite Hawkeye's objections. She had just smiled and thanked him. When the two were in the car driving back to Hawkeye's house, Roy was actually feeling somewhat relaxed. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the lieutenant. Maybe both. He didn't know, but he was actually feeling comfortable.
Hawkeye was willing to just leave any of their discussions or arguments around his eating behind them. His team was as they always were. There was still the issue of having to go talk to Hughes, though.
There was still the issue of his weight.
It was like he was on the edge of normalcy. Just not quite there yet...