Author's note:
First of all, I deeply thank all my readers/followers/favoriters, old and new alike. The special shoutout of the week goes to dear Valtieri: you're perfectly right about Vigdis' selfishness and Steinarius' troubles dealing with his own feelings. Also, Erandur will definitely play an important role in the next few chapters.
This instalment finally provides us with the long awaited reunion between Agda and Steinarius. It's the first chapter where I tried using a mixed point of view, so I'd like to know if you have any opinions/suggestions/whatever about that.
Enjoy!
13th of Hearthfire, 4E 202
Agda floated in a sea of darkness for what felt like a lifetime. In her deep slumber she could feel nothing but pain, terrible sharp pain that enveloped her whole body and never eased its grip on her tired mind. The girl felt as though her chest and her back were about to burst open, she felt as though her arms and her legs had been run through by sharp arrows, she felt as though her cheeks and her forehead were on fire. On top of that, endless nightmares prevented her from finding peace. Unable to wake up, Agda would often see a monk in colourful robes cursing her because she'd betrayed his trust, she would see a faceless woman leaving her to die in the coldness of the North, she would see a terrifying creature mock her while she was trying to swim her way out of the Sea of Ghosts. Moreover, every time the young mage felt on the brink of giving up the fight and finally surrender to madness and death, a black floating orb would appear in front of her eyes and invite her to surrender. Give me your freedom and I'll give you my powers, it would tell her with a slow and seductive voice. Despite her desperation, however, Agda never listened: despite her desperation, she knew better than getting involved with a creature from Oblivion.
After realizing that the injured girl in Nightcaller Temple was no one but Agda, Steinarius completely forsook his plans to save the world. After that terrible discovery, the Imperial namely spent most of his time by the girl's bedside, caressing her arms and gently squeezing her hand whenever she grimaced in her sleep.
When Erandur first came across her, Agda's conditions were very serious. Someone had already stitched up the deep cuts in her limbs, had covered the red welts on her body with a soothing paste, had even given her a few potions against fever and infections; nonetheless, the cold of the North had worsened the girl's conditions, whereas the seemingly endless blood loss had made her weak and unresponsive to treatment. As a consequence, for almost a week everyone in Nightcaller Temple feared that Agda was about to die.
During those long, nightmarish days, Steinarius never parted from the unconscious girl who'd suddenly appeared in the courtyard of Erandur's home. Rather than enquiring about her presence in Dawnstar, the man namely preferred remaining by Agda' side whenever he could. Unfortunately, Erandur and Frida quickly got tired of that over-protective attitude.
The first one to snap at Steinarius was Erandur. One day, as the priest was checking on Agda, the Imperial asked him a lot of questions about the procedures he was following; an hour later, he criticized him for removing the girl's clothes in order to treat some wounds on her chest; that very same evening, the Dragonborn complained about the way Erandur was reapplying the bandages to the girl's arms. At that point, the usually calm Dunmer lost it: he screamed at Steinarius to leave him alone, then he banished him from Agda's room, thus making sure that the Imperial wouldn't bother him again while he was doing his job.
I am the healer, not you!, Erandur said - or, better, shouted - to justify that decision. Without me, your friend would already be dead!
Less than a day later Frida followed the Dunmer's example and snapped at Steinarius too. She didn't like the way the Dragonborn lurked around every time she brewed a potion, just like she didn't enjoy his annoying questions and suggestions about her job; as a consequence, after banishing Steinarius from her workplace, the woman came up with a series of tasks that could keep that apprehensive Imperial away from Nightcaller Temple and from Agda.
The first time Frida required him to kill as many mudcrabs as possible in order to collect their chitin, Steinarius zealantly followed her orders - in that moment, everything that could help him take his mind off Agda's desperate conditions was actually very welcomed. Yet, when the woman asked him to do the very same thing three times in less than two days, the Dragonborn understood that the alchemist was simply trying to keep him out of her way.
Steinarius made that realization a few days after Agda's arrival in Nightcaller Temple. While he was walking to Dawnstar in a very bad mood, the Imperial noticed that a Khajit caravan had just stopped outside the city. As he recognized his old friend Kharjo, the Imperial grinned; a moment later, he approached the employer of that young Khajit and made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
When he was done talking to Akhari, Steinarius happily made his way back to Nightcaller Temple. Thanks to his idea, his coin purse was lighter than ever; at the same time, however, a couple of very expert Khajits were travelling towards the closest cities in order to buy as many alchemy ingredients and healing potions as possible. In that way, Steinarius could get everything Agda needed without ever leaving her bedside; moreover, he could finally give up his job of mudcrab exterminator.
Luckily enough, after a few days of restlessness and unease the Dragonborn received the news he'd been longing to hear: although she still hadn't regained consciousness, Agda was now officially out of danger. When he found out about that, Steinarius did something he hadn't done in a while: he thanked the Divines with a long prayer.
When Agda opened her eyes after a week of unbelievable pain, she was taken aback by her surroundings.
The girl was resting in a little bedroom, not far from a comforting fireplace. She was covered by expensive blankets and was wrapped in an old, baggy sleeping gown. On her nightstand there were many empty vials and a few wooden toys.
As she took in her whereabouts, Agda frowned. She perfectly remembered reaching Winterhold with Adaeze after their adventure in Fellglow Keep, just like she perfectly remembered falling asleep on a chair in Enthir's cubicle. Nonetheless, her new bedroom definitely didn't look like a part of the College. The girl frowned at that realization: if she wasn't in Winterhold, where was she? And most of all, how had she ended up there?
Willing to find an answer to those questions, Agda tried to grab one of the potions on her nightstand. To her great shock, upon turning her head the girl was immediately overrun by a terrible shot of pain. Only then did Agda realize the reason why she was feeling so sore and tired and bruised: her body was completely covered in bandages, many of which were drenched in blood. A second later, the girl noticed the deep gashes in her arms, the red welts on her chest, the pain that washed over her every time she took a deep breath. It looked as though she'd just wrestled with a troll, a very angry troll that had done its best to break most of the bones in her body. Agda didn't know how she'd come across that creature, but she was sure of one thing: she didn't remember anything about it.
Worried by that realization, the young mage whimpered. Confronted with the pain that immediately pierced her chest, the girl added a couple of broken ribs to the endless list of injuries she'd mysteriously sustained. That fact caused the girl to begin breathing erratically; at the same time, the healer understood that she was about to have a panic attack. Rather than helping her calm her nerves, that awareness only had Agda burst into a desperate cry. The girl was utterly desperate: she was alone in a place she didn't know, she was completely covered in blood, she was powerless and weak; but most of all, she had no memory of how she'd gotten herself into that sticky situation.
Before Agda could regain control of her emotions, the door to her bedroom slowly creaked open. Much to her horror, the mage was confronted by the tired eyes of an old, unknown woman. When she realized that she was awake, the stranger let out a delighted squeal.
"Talos be praised, you've finally come to!", she squeaked while taking a few steps towards Agda's bed. "By the Divines, you look even younger now that you've finally regained consciousness! Oh, look at that", the stranger added while pointing at the bandages on Agda's chest. That old woman was probably short-sighted, as she didn't realize that the girl was crying. "Your cuts are bleeding again! Erandur did a very poor job yesterday".
Upon hearing those words, Agda's terror grew even more.
Who was Erandur? And what did it mean that was she was bleeding again?
Before the mage could properly reflect on those questions, the nameless stranger reached her bed and made to lay a hand on her ribs, not far from the girl's breasts. Shocked by the way the older woman was apparently trying to grope her, Agda writhed in order to get away from her. That movement caused her to let out a loud sob, thus making the stranger aware of her feelings.
"Dear sweetheart, there's no need to cry!", the old lady said in a reassuring tone. "I'm not here to hurt you, Agdy: I just want to change your bandages. My name is Frida and, even if you weren't awake to see it, I've taken care of you over the last few days".
Despite those words, Agda tried once again to escape Frida's cold touch. Who are you?, the young mage would have liked to ask that strange woman. And why do you know my name? But most of all, where am I? And why am I feeling so bad?
Unfortunately, when Agda made to speak, her throat seemed unable to produce anything but a few gurgling sounds. When her brain was eventually overrun by dizziness, the girl realized that she was definitely too weak to talk.
Feeling desperate and hopeless, the young mage gave in to panic and resumed her desperate cry. Willing to make her at ease, Frida put her to sleep with a very powerful potion. The alchemist sincerely hoped that Agda's behavior wasn't a consequence of the tortures she'd endured.
Steinarius looked at the way Agda was resting in her bed. Ever since the girl had regained consciousness for the first time, the Imperial had been ordered not to enter her room while she was awake. Luckily enough, that afternoon things had changed: Frida had reached Dawnstar to take a look at her neglected shop, whereas Erandur was paying another visit to Rustleif and Seren's baby. As a consequence, the only people in Nightcaller Temple were Agda and Steinarius - and had the girl woken up, the Imperial would have been forced to remain with her.
If I come back to find that you've upset her, you're a dead man, Frida had threatened the Imperial - and Erandur had used very similar expressions.
The healers' unfriendly attitude had a very precise reason - as soon as Steinarius had walked into her room for the first since her awakening, Agda had namely looked very upset; moreover, she had raised a hand and tried to incinerate the Imperial with a firebolt.
Erandur and Frida didn't know why Steinarius cared so much for their patient - the man had simply told them that he and Agda were friends, as he didn't want them to pry into his private life. When confronted with Agda's reaction to her first encounter with the Dragonborn, however, the two healers immediately understood the truth behind Steinarius' relationship with the young Nord. Also, they immediately teamed up with the girl.
As he looked at his injured friend, the Dragonborn had no problems guessing the reason behind the healers' choice. Sore and bruised and broken, Agda was in need of cures and warmth and protection - and said protection implied keeping her safe from everyone and everything that could possibly annoy her.
Sighing, Steinarius gently caressed the arm of the poor girl. Agda slightly whimpered at that contact, but she didn't wake up. The Dragonborn was actually glad for that: he liked taking care of the young Nord and he knew that he couldn't do that when she was awake.
To say the truth, not even Frida and Erandur could deal with Agda when she was awake: every time the healers approached her, the girl namely started writhing in her bed and sobbing like a baby. Fearing that Agda could injure herself further due to that strange behavior, Erandur and Frida soon got used to giving her strong sleeping draughts whenever they had to take care of her. As a consequence, they still hadn't got the chance of informing the girl of her terrible injuries; at the same time, they still hadn't asked her why she'd been tortured.
As he stroked Agda's forehead, Steinarius sighed again. He'd often thought of her when he was in Solstheim: he often remembered her smiles and her sweetness, her shyness and her laughters, her deep brown eyes and the feeling of her full and feminine body curled up against his own during the night. Most of the times, however, Steinarius had recalled the way he'd hastily split up with her. The Dragonborn knew he'd done the right thing when he'd left that sweet inkeeper in order to focus on his duty; yet, that didn't prevent him from wishing that he and Agda had parted on friendly terms. Steinarius missed the way the young Nord always managed to soothe him, just liked he missed her protective attitude and her wise advice; as a consequence, he deeply hoped that one day Agda would forgive his evil words and finally go back to being one of his best friends.
When the girl repeatedly shivered in her sleep, Steinarius got up from his chair and grabbed a warm fur he'd bought from Akhari on the previous evening. He covered Agda's body with it, then he smiled at her now peaceful expression.
Once the young Nord seemed to regain her calm, Steinarius stretched his spine and started pacing up and down the room in order to contrast the stiffness in his bones. The Imperial was allowed in that place only when Agda was asleep, but that hadn't prevented him from doing his best in order to help her - and given that he wasn't a healer, Steinarius had done everything he could to make the girl' stay in Nightcaller Temple as comfortable as possible.
Firstly, the Dragonborn had worked hard to tidy the messy room where Agda slept; as a consequence, that place was now perfectly clean. Secondly, Steinarius had bought the girl new soft blankets in order to replace the ones Erandur had originally used to cover her. Thirdly, the Imperial had got her some heavy bear furs and a few baggy and comfortable nightgowns. At last, the Dragonborn had spent a ridiculous amount of money on the little wooden animals that now decorated Agda's nightstand. Steinarius remembered that, back when he was a child, every infant in Cyrodiil used to play with those cute tiny toys; as a consequence, he'd bought a few of them in order to make Agda at ease in the foreign environment of the temple. Judging from the way the girl had once fallen asleep with a wooden horse in her hand and a peaceful expression on her face, the plan had seemingly paid off.
Confronted with another slow whimper, Steinarius furrowed his brow. Until then Agda's problems at speaking had made her unable to mention her tortures, whereas Erandur and Frida had avoided that topic because they didn't want to upset her. For that very same reason, the healers still hadn't told her about the gravity of her injuries. Steinarius perfectly understood the reason behind that choice; nonetheless, he was burning with the desire to find more about Agda's enemy, so that he could pay them a visit and take their life. In his opinion, whoever had treated his friend that badly namely didn't deserve to continue their existence.
As Steinarius was still pacing up and down the room, another tiny whimper reached his sensitive ears. It sounded as though Agda was trying to speak - and when he turned to look at her and saw that her eyes were half-open, the Imperial realized that he'd been right.
"Help", Agda said with great effort. "Ter... ease... ing..."
Frowning, Steinarius grabbed a tankard of water and approached the girl's bed. He was worried: ever since her awakening, it was the first time Agda actually asked for help.
By the time the Imperial sat down beside her, the young Nord had already closed her eyes. When Steinarius aided her in gulping some water, however, she raised an eyelid and thanked her helper. Only then did she realize who she was dealing with.
"It's alright, Agds, it's alright", Steinarius soothed her when Agda made to raise a hand and cast a spell at him. The mage was still very weak, therefore the Imperial could prevent her from hurting him by simply grabbing her wrist. "Erandur and Frida are in Dawnstar, that's why I'm here. I'll leave the room immediately, if you want".
For the first time since they'd split up, Agda and Steinarius looked each other in the eyes. The Imperial tried to seem calm and reassuring despite the blackish scar Hermaeus Mora had left on his face, whereas the young woman did nothing to hide the confusion and the pain and the distress in her deep brown eyes.
Steinarius briefly recalled what the poor Nord had gone through over the previous week: Agda had seemingly been whipped at length by a very cruel torturer, had risked to die because some of her wounds had got infected, had regained consciousness only to find herself surrounded by unknown healers who were busy getting her dressed and undressed without too many explanations. No wonder she now looked that terrified.
There was a moment of silence, then Agda winced and closed her eyes. As the wrist he was holding went slack in his hands, Steinarius frowned in worry.
"Agds, what's wrong?"
The girl made to talk, but her throat only produced a pained whine. When she opened her eyes again, Steinarius realized that she was suffering a lot.
"You're burning with fever, aren't you?", he asked her as he remembered the words Agda had tried to utter a few seconds earlier. "That's what you were trying to tell me - you wanted some water to ease the burning in your body. Is there anything else I can do for you? Do you want me to get you a potion?"
There was a brief pause during which Agda probably thought about what to do. She was in great need of help - and right then, the only one who could aid her was Steinarius. The girl would have liked to kick the man in the rear until he asked her forgiveness for the way he'd wished Rhygo to die more than three months earlier; nonetheless, the sufferance had her swallow her pride and accept the help that was being given to her.
When Agda welcomed his offer with a light nod, Steinarius jumped to his feet and analyzed the potions Frida had left in the room. Luckily enough, that wise woman had labelled each and every vial, thus making it easier for him to find what he was looking for. The old alchemist treated Agda like a daughter and was ready to go miles to prevent her from suffering.
Even after the young Nord gulped a potion against diseases, her pained expression didn't change. When she growled in distress, Steinarius was quick to squeeze her hand and gently caress her forehead. Agda was too sore and weak to protest.
"I got you, little one, I got you", Steinarius reassured her after she whimpered again. "I promise you that everything will be alright, Agds. I will take care of you".
Surprisingly enough, those words caused Agda to shake her head. A moment later, she spoke clearly for the first time since she'd appeared on the steps of Nightcaller Temple.
"Don't... call me... Agds", the girl said with visible effort. "Just... just don't. And don't... promise... I'll be fine. Not... not with you around. You... always... end up hurting me".
Steinarius was taken aback by the way Agda whined after saying those words - and he was even more shocked by the efforts she'd made just to utter them. With terrible clearness, the man remembered the way he'd once shoved Agda against an alchemy lab, the way he'd tried to strangle her more than a year earlier, the way he'd toyed with her feelings and wished her brother to die. As he did, he felt the desire to disappear from Nirn and leave that poor girl be.
There was a long pause, as Steinarius didn't know how to respond to Agda's accusation. When the girl whimpered again, however, the Imperial forced himself to speak.
"Agda, how do you feel?", he asked while ignoring her previous words. "If you tell me, we'll find a way to make it better".
While waiting for the girl to answer, Steinarius traced some gentle circles on her wrist. The man hoped that those slow ministrations could help his friend feel better.
"Head... exploding", Agda whimpered as soon as she found a way to steady her voice. "I'm dizzy and my heart... too fast. My limbs... and my face... and my chest... throbbing painfully... and...".
Steinarius stopped Agda with a gesture. Hiding his worries behind a calm façade, the man grabbed another potion and carefully poured it into her mouth.
"There", he reassuringly told the girl. "This potion will lessen the pain. You'll feel better soon".
Since Agda still looked very upset, Steinarius gently laid a hand on her cheek. He caressed her by moving his thumb slowly, tenderly, while his palm was resting against her sore and burning flesh. At first Agda tried to resist those slow ministrations; yet, when another rush of dizziness ran through her brain, she gave up her pride and leant into the contact. As soon as she did that, Steinarius realized that her fever was still very high.
As silence descended upon the room, the Dragonborn focused on the way Agda's heart was drumming madly in her chest. In order to reassure her, Steinarius hushed her and kept on caressing her.
"You'll be alright, Agda", he whispered for the umpteenth time. "You just need to rest, you hear me?"
Surprisingly enough, Agda reacted to those words by shaking her head. She was a healer, therefore she knew that her injuries were too serious for her to fully recover.
"My face...won't be alright", she pointed out. "There are... bandages... and pain... so much pain... How... how bad is it? "
Confronted with the girl's question, Steinarius shifted uneasily on his chair. It was the first time Agda talked, therefore it was also the first time she asked about her injuries; moreover, until then Erandur and Frida had done their best to avoid any talks related to the gravity of her injuries. Caught in that delicate situation, Steinarius had no idea how to act. Shall he tell the truth or not?
"Your face doesn't look too good, Agda", the Imperial eventually confessed. He didn't want to scare the girl, but at the same time he didn't want to deceit her. "You have a broken nose, two broken cheekbones, a broken eye socket. We were lucky your jaw didn't get broken too".
"What... of the rest?", Agda asked. "My ribs... and my back..."
"You've got a couple broken ribs", Steinarius told her. "Also, you were apparently beaten with some nasty item - a whip, perhaps".
Steinarius saw Agda pale news, then he saw her looking at her chest.
"These scars...", she tentatively said as she observed a deep gash that ran along her collarbone. "How..."
"A dagger", the Imperial confessed. "Someone... someone carved them into your flesh".
"They're... on my face too, right?", Agda asked. "That's why... everyone flinches... when they look at me".
When Steinarius heavily sighed, Agda understood what his answer was. As reality finally cut its way through her mind, the girl had to fight hard against the tears that had already gathered in her eyes.
"I.. I was tortured", she murmured feeling frail and scared and vulnerable. "Someone... they did this to me... and..."
In an attempt to calm her friend, Steinarius hushed her and leant down towards her until his forehead gently brushed against hers. Agda didn't protest: right then, she would have accepted some solace even from a Hargraven.
"Just tell me who did this to you", the Dragonborn murmured without breaking that contact. "Whoever they are, they deserve a slow and painful death - and I'd be more than glad to be the one to take that monster's life".
Moved by the calm anger in Steinarius' voice, Agda eventually allowed a few tears to escape her eyes. She'd been tortured, her face had been disfigured, her body had suffered very severe injuries; yet, that wasn't the main reason for her distress.
"You can't... take that monster's life", Agda said as Steinarius wiped her tears and tried to hush her. "I don't... remember... them... or the tortures. I just... I don't remember... anything".
Confronted with that unexpected confession, Steinarius abruptly stopped his ministrations. Agda saw his grey eyes fill with dread.
"What do you mean that you don't remember anything?", the man asked her while trying - and failing - to keep his worry from showing in his voice. "You do remember that someone tortured you, don't you? The gashes in your arms and the way you've been whipped clearly mean that..."
Still crying, Agda shook her head.
"I don't... remember... what happened", she said. "Don't remember who, don't remember why. I just... I just found out... from you. I think... my memory... has been... has been damaged".
As Agda confessed that horrible truth, she couldn't help but sob. Confronted with her distress, Steinarius gently caressed her cheeks, carefully wiped the tears off her face, softly repeated her name in order to calm her. He now feared he'd been too blunt in revealing Agda the true gravity of her injuries; also, he was scared by the way the girl had seemingly lost part of her memory.
Steinarius tried to calm his friend for what felt like an endless amount of time. At last, when Agda calmed down, he decided to find out more about her alarming loss of memory.
"Agda, what is the last thing you remember?", the man asked while controlling his worries.
"The College", the girl sniffed while avoiding his gaze.
"What College? Winterhold?"
When Agda nodded, Steinarius frowned.
"I thought you were either in Wayrest or in Riverwood", he confessed. "When did you join the College? And why?"
"Delphine", Agda sighed. "She asked me..."
Before the girl could finish her sentence, Steinarius' eyes widened in shock. He hadn't expected the leader of the Blades to have something to do with Agda.
"That Breton hag?!", the Dragonborn asked in disbelief. "What did she say in order to convince you to join the College?"
In another situation, Agda would have been angered by Steinarius' shocked tone. I joined the College because I wanted to, she would have told him. Yet, right then the girl decided to reveal him the true reason why Delphine had asked her to become a mage.
"Delphine... wanted me... to spy... on a Thalmor".
Confronted with Agda's answer, Steinarius had to stifle the urge to pinch his skin to check whether he was dreaming. The man couldn't believe his ears: he knew that Delphine only cared about herself, but he couldn't believe that she'd been so stupid to ask a sweet girl like Agda to spy on a Thalmor. Surely the girl was mistaken, surely she was making up things, surely she...
"Of all people, Delphine asked you to spy on a Thalmor", Steinarius repeated with a very astonished tone. He couldn't understand how the Breton could be that reckless. "Is she totally nuts?"
As soon as he spoke, Steinarius realized he'd managed to hurt Agda's feelings with his plain surprise.
"Even... in this situation... you always do that", the girl sighed with a mixture of sadness and pain and resignation in her broken voice. "I could become... High Queen of Skyrim... but you'd never believe... I can do... anything but cook".
Steinarius was outraged by Agda's words.
"It's not like that!", he protested. "I'm angry at Delphine, Agda, not at you! Your injuries have likely been caused by a Thalmor - probably the very same Thalmor that bitch asked you to keep an eye on. This is dangerous stuff, Agds: Delphine couldn't expect you to waltz into Winterhold and go unnoticed just because you're a sweet girl with a sweet smile who definitely doesn't look like a spy and can't kill a mudcrab on a good day. That hateful Hargraven should have known about that! Also, she should have told you that your opponent was..."
"Steinarius, do me... a favor", Agda suddenly broke the Imperial off. "Leave... the room... and don't come back. Please. It's the only... thing I'm asking you. I'm too tired... to hear... your critics".
Confronted with the plea in the girl's brown eyes, Steinarius realized the gravity of his mistakes. Agda was right: try all he might, every time he met her he always seemed to end up hurting her.
Great job, heartthrob, a voice on the back of his mind suddenly whispered. Agda confesses someone that she's lost part of her memory, and you make her feel like a weak and useless girl who can do nothing but use a broomstick - and all when she's so sore that she can barely speak. I'm impressed, Dragonborn, I really am: every time I think your ability of dealing with people can't get any worse, you always manage to surprise me.
Moved by those irritating thoughts and by Agda's quiet sobs, Steinarius left her room and closed the door behind him. As soon as he did it, he realized he needed to have a quick chat with Delphine and inform her of the consequences of her brilliant plan.