Author's note:
My dear readers, after a long silence here I am with a new update. As always, I start by thanking all of you for your support.
The special shout-outs du jour go to ShpperOfTrashyShips for their enthusiastic comments on my previous chapter. I'm glad you liked it and I hope you'll enjoy this drama-packed instalment even more!
As for Guest, I'm really happy you like my story. Thank you for your support, as it gives me a huge motivation to keep on writing!
Last but not least, MeanE's review was as interesting and amusing as usual. You're terribly good at seeing where this story is going: do you have foreseeing abilities? Or am I actually turning into a predictable writer?
Let me know what you think about this important question - also, let me know what you think about this new chapter.
Enjoy!
30th of Hearthfire, 4E 204
Agda ran a wet cloth along Steinarius' arms. The Dragonborn muttered a complaint, but the mage was quick to shot him an angry glance. She'd been cleaning him from the healing paste used by Danica for most of the morning, so that her man would finally stop ranting about the smell of dead goat in his room. It was a long and tiring task and Agda clearly did not need her man to complain about it for most of the time.
"Stein, I know that you have troubles keeping still and silent, but you must do your best. Otherwise I'll call your mother in and let her take over my job".
Scared by that possibility, Steinarius widened his eyes in horror. Being treated like an infant by his woman while laying naked on a bed was terrible - letting his mother see his privates, however, was a thousand time worse.
When Agda resumed her task, the man carefully observed her. The mage looked weak and tired and, when she let out a pained whimper, he was quick to ask her what was wrong.
"Nothing Stein", the girl was quick to reassure him. "I just feel dizzy. It happens often, so I'm getting used to it".
Steinarius frowned at the admission. He loved his woman and he didn't want her to feel sick while tending to him.
"You can sit down and relax for a while", he suggested. "You still have a long way to go", he added as he looked at the healing paste stuck to his legs and hips. "Gosh, did Danica have to place that horrible paste even there?", he continued after a more accurate analysis of his hips and of the surrounding area.
Agda chuckled at that, then she gently caressed his chest.
"We were afraid your torturers had made you unable to work properly, so we placed healing paste everywhere", she mischievously said. "Luckily enough, that doesn't seem to be the case".
Agda tried to smirk while making that comment, but a sudden rush of dizziness caused her to close her eyes and whimper in pain. Despite his broken bones, Steinarius was quick to grab her by the elbow before she could fall to the ground. Stifling a curse, the man tried to keep calm and convince her woman to rest.
"Agds, please", he told her. "Another rush movement like this, and I'll be covered in healing paste again in less than two minutes".
Steinarius would have liked Agda to smile at his comment, but the mage simply snorted and sat down on the ground. A moment later, he heard her retch and cough repeatedly.
"Agds, look at me", he said, worried by those noises. "Please, honey".
There was a moment of silence, then Agda slowly got up again. She looked pale and Steinarius suddenly realized that something was wrong.
"Agds, what..."
"I'm okay", the mage said. "I just... Do you mind if I continue cleaning you later? I think I need to lay down".
Steinarius nodded without hesitation, then he took Agda's hand in his. He would have liked Agda to fall asleep on the chair next to his bed, but he knew she needed to rest in a proper place.
"You have the keys to Breezehome, don't you?"
The mage nodded.
"I have them, but I'd rather sleep here until I feel better. I still need to clean you up".
"Forget it", Steinarius replied. "Danica will take over - or my mother, if Danica is not available. Actually, the smell of dead goat isn't so bad anymore".
Agda would have liked to smile, but she felt too dizzy even to do that. Sighing, the girl took a blanket and covered Steinarius' legs with it. Noticing her pained expression, Steinarius understood that she was probably ill. He gently grabbed her hand again and squeezed it, then he looked right into her eyes.
"Go home and rest, honey", he recommended. "Ask Lydia to escort you and have Danica take a look at you: dizziness is never a good sign".
Agda nodded, then she slowly walked out of the door. Despite Steinarius' advice, she did not ask anyone for help and reached Breezehome at the end of what felt like the longest walk of her life. Once safe in the cool shadows of the building, the mage slumped down on a chair and laid a hand on her belly. She did not need Danica to understand what was wrong with her - thanks to her experience as a healer, she knew that her syntomps had only one explanation.
She was pregnant with Steinarius' child.
The following days went by slowly. Steinarius was gradually recovering, whereas Agda was still struggling with her problems. She did not want to tell her man about her pregnancy: she was still in the early stages and she was afraid something might go wrong. Also, she did not want to burden him with that awareness before of the final fight against Alduin. Hopefully, the Dragonborn would defeat that overgrown lizard before Agda's belly began to swell - after all, the baby had been conceived less than a month earlier, after the peace talks of High Hrotghar.
Despite her secrecy, Steinarius knew that something with Agda wasn't alright. She started tending to him less often, leaving her previous tasks to Danica and the other healers. Also, she avoided visiting him in the mornings, probably due to her dizziness. The man felt the need to confront her, but he also knew that the mage probably needed some time to herself after all she'd been through over the previous month. Unfortunately, his mother seemed unable to share that idea.
Lucretia didn't like Agda. She wanted her son to be with a strong woman that could take care of him, not with some weak mage who seemed unable to tend to his wounds without bursting into tears or ending up asleep on his chest!
As a consequence of her dislike for Agda, the former priestess had a formidable idea: she asked the Legion for help in healing her son from his injuries - and said help came in the form of a Thalmor healer.
When that mage turned up in Whiterun, his appearance almost caused a riot. Danica said that her Temple was neutral to the war, while the Companions complained to the Jarl; Adaeze threatened to kill that arrogant Elf, whereas Jarl Balgruuf almost fainted when he discovered about his presence in the city; Lucretia, however, wanted only the best for her son - and for that reason she chose to invite her Thalmor helper to Whiterun despite everyone else's resistance.
In the hope that the first encounter with her son would run smoothly, Lucretia invited the Thalmor healer to the Temple of Kynareth early in the morning, when she knew that Agda would be out of sight and that her husband would be trekking though the plains of Whiterun just like he always did.
When the former priestess reached his room, Steinarius was laying half-asleep in his bed. The Dragonborn had forgotten to take the usual medicines, so he was feeling worse than usual. Also, he was worried about Agda's problems.
Steinarius wasn't a healer, but he knew there was a very simple explanation for women who felt sick every morning - and said simple explanation was enough to fill him with dread and excitement. Could it be that he and Agda were about to become parents?
Steinarius was forced to abandon those thoughts when his mother abruptly opened the door to his room. The man was surprised by the large smile on Lucretia's face - and when he saw the reason for that smile, he was even more surprised. What was a Thalmor doing in his room?
Steinarius' thoughts probably showed on his face, as his mother was quick to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"My dear boy, let me introduce you to a friend", she said with a broad smile. "Ancarion was summoned to Whiterun especially for you: he's a good healer and Lady Elenwen firmly believes he will be able to help you with all your problems".
Steinarius couldn't believe what he had just heard. The Thalmor had tortured Agda, they had almost destroyed Winterhold, they had tried to nullify his efforts to bring peace to Skyrim by turning up uninvited at the peace talks of High Hrotghar. How could his mother think that they truly wanted to help him? And most of all, how could she trust them after everything they had done to him?
The Dragonborn tried to calm his racing mind in order to express what he thought about his mother's idea. Before he could speak, however, Ancarion, began to talk. He was a tall and handsome man and was currently sporting a very irritating grin.
"Dragonborn, your injuries are serious - so serious that not even the best healers of Skyrim could cure them", the Altmer said with a mellifluous tone. "You will need help if you want to recover fully, and said help can only come from superior mages like us".
Steinarius made to speak, but Ancarion was quick to stop him with a gesture.
"I do not mean any offence, Dragonborn, but it is a matter of fact that the Archmage of Winterhold has been feeling sick for many days in a row. If she cannot even cure herself, how can you believe she will heal you?"
As he heard those words, Steinarius shot his mother an angry glance. Agda had tried to keep her dizziness a secret for the people outside Whiterun - and if Ancarion knew about it, it meant that Lucretia had promptly informed him.
Ignoring the rage in Steinarius' eyes, the Thalmor resumed speaking.
"Dragonborn, the fate of Tamriel rests in your hands", he said, his voice now stern and low. "You have been waiting to feel better for days now, but you still haven't recovered. You have troubles moving and you often have headaches. Your heart beats too fast and sometimes you have troubles breathing. You haven't told anyone about it, but you are worried that you will never be able to fight again because of the pain you feel every time you rotate your wrists and because of the terrible fractures in your legs. Isn't it so?"
For the first time since Ancarion had entered the room, Steinarius's anger was replaced by surprise. What Ancarion had just told him was true, terribly and painfully true. He was worried about his injuries, he was worried he may never be able to fight again, he was afraid he would never fully recover. Until then, however, Steinarius had kept all his problems and doubts and fears a secret from everyone, even - especially - from Agda. People needed to believe that the prophesized savior of Skyrim was invincible, didn't they? Also, his woman needed to know that he would recover fully thanks to her spells and her efforts. He was the Dragonborn, for Talos' sake, he couldn't allow himself to look weak!
Ancarion, however, had been able to see right through him. The Thalmor had never met him before, yet he had already disclosed his most hidden fears and worries. Agda was a good healer, sure, but not even her spells had been able to make Steinarius feel better. And then she had her own health problems to struggle with... Ancarion, instead, was the healer Steinarius needed. The only problem, of course, laid in the fact that he was a Thalmor.
There was a long moment of silence as Steinarius thought about what to do. His first instict was to tell Ancarion to leave him alone, but a deep fear hidden in his heart made him unable to speak out those words. He'd been lying in that bed for weeks now and the road to a full recovery still looked long and difficult. Meanwhile, Alduin was gaining strength and power day after day. Maybe the Thalmor's offer wasn't that bad...
Before Steinarius could elaborate that thought, Ancarion surprised him by bowing in front of him.
"I see that my visit has given you a lot to think about", he unexpectedly said. "I will give you a few hours to take a decision, Dragonborn. I know that you had problems with my people and I do not wish to impose my presence".
And with those words, that weird Thalmor exited the room, leaving a baffled and confused Steinarius behind.
Agda woke to the usual feeling of nausea. She somehow managed to get out of bed, then she grabbed the wooden bucket she always kept close to her mattress. Luckily enough, Lydia was busy collecting alchemy ingredients in the plains and the young mage could be as loud as she wanted as she said goodbye to the food she had managed to crunch a few hours before.
As she fell back on her bed, the girl cursed. Why was she feeling worse and worse morning after morning?
The young mage had to abandon those self-pitious thoughts when she heard a knock on the door. Cursing under her breath, Agda cast a spell to improve her appearance, then somehow managed to walk down the stairs that led to the entrance of Breezehome. Once there, she was surprised to find herself face to face with a visibly distressed Adaeze.
"Agda of Anvil!", the Redguard immediately exclaimed. "Your mother-in-law is the stupidest creature on Tamriel! Divines, she's even more stupid than her son! She... Agda, why are you looking so pale? Are you okay?"
Sighing, Agda told her best friend that she was fine.
"Just the usual nightmares", she said while trying to keep her dizziness under control. "You were saying something about Lucretia, I believe..."
At first it seemed that Adaeze wanted to make more comments about her friend's appearance, but the mention of Lucretia reminded her of the reason why she had gone to Agda's house so early in the morning.
"Agda of Anvil, your mother-in-law is totally crazy!", the former thief vehemently repeated, her voice full of disgust and anger. "She turned to the Legion for help because she thought that Steinarius wasn't healing fast enough. And guess who came here to help him? A Thalmor!"
There was a long moment of silence during which those words slowly sank into Agda's mind. When they did, the girl broke into a little, hysterical laughter.
"That's a nice joke, Adaeze! Come on, not even Lucretia can be so stupid! I know she doesn't like me, but why would she summon a Thalmor to Whiterun? Steinarius hates those Elves and Ulfric could take advantage of this fact to break the truce between his men and the Legion. She surely wouldn't risk the peace of Skyrim just to..."
"Agda, Lucretia is desperate to see her son heal", Adaeze broke Agda off. "She thinks it is taking him too long to feel better and that Danica isn't a good healer. Also, she believes you're not doing a good job".
Agda made to express her disdain for that comment, but Adaeze stopped her by placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Agda, I'm sorry to break it to you, but many people share Lucretia's opinion. You're feeling bad for most of the time and Steinarius isn't improving as fast as everyone would like him to. I'm not saying that summoning a Thalmor is the answer, sure, but..."
"There are no buts, Adaeze", Agda coldly replied. She'd been hurt by her friend's comments and could feel anger boil up in her heart.
Did Lucretia and all the other people believe that she enjoyed feeling so sick that she was unable to tend to her man? Did they think that she was happy to see Steinarius suffer? Did they believe that she hadn't noticed the look of worry in his eyes every time her potions turned out to be useless? Did they think she enjoyed sitting at Steinarius' side at night, holding his hand while he was trying hard to keep on breathing despite the invisible hands that seemed to squeeze the air out of his lungs every two minutes? Did they believe she had fun when she saw that her almost-husband was trying to keep his worries and doubts hidden from her?
"There are no buts", the mage repeated, her voice full of rage and disappointment. "The Companions found the corpses of a few Thalmor in the cave where Steinarius was tortured, so why the hell is Lucretia trusting them? Those damned Elves tried to kill her son and she thinks she's doing Steinarius a favour by letting them help him!"
When a few people turned to look at the angry girl standing on the threshold of Breezehome, Adaeze was quick to grab Agda by the elbow and shush her.
"Agda, I understand that you're angry", she told her friend. She'd never seen Agda so angry and she was afraid the young Nord may do something dangerous. "Yet, your rage will not send that Thalmor away. He's just visited Steinarius and people say that their meeting wasn't so bad. Perhaps you should try to knock some sense in your man's head before his mother interferes again".
Agda was silent for a moment, then she nodded. Talking to Steinarius was the only way to get out of that situation.
When Agda reached his room in the Temple, Steinarius was staring intently at the ceiling. He was breathing in a slow and controlled manner and that was enough for Agda to understand that he wasn't doing fine. The light-heartedness from few days earlier, when they'd joked together while she was cleaning him from the healing paste, now seemed to belong to a previous Era.
Slowly and silently, Agda carefully reached her man's bedside and ran a hand through his hair. Steinarius immediately turned to look at her, then he motioned for her to sit down on a nearby chair. As soon as she did, the Imperial smiled. His eyes, however, remained mortally serious.
"Hey", he whispered, his voice low and soothing. "How are you this morning?"
"Dizzy like always", Agda chuckled in the attempt to hide her nervousness. "Yet, I'm feeling well enough to visit you before midday. Quite the achievement, isn't it?"
As she spoke, Agda resumed caressing Steinarius' hair. The man sighed, then he posed her the question that had been tormenting for the previous few hours.
"You still won't tell me why you're feeling dizzy every morning, will you?", he said, his eyes returning to the ceiling.
For a moment Agda considered the possibility of telling her man the truth. She imagined the look of shock on his face, the pride and joy in his eyes, the loving hug he would try to give her despite the broken bones in his body. Then, however, Agda imagined something different - she imagined Steinarius being scared of fighting Alduin while leaving his pregnant woman behind, she saw him getting desperate as something with her pregnancy didn't go right, she imagined him feeling weak and frail and frustrated when confronted with the knowledge that the future of his child and of all the other children of Tamriel depended on the outcome of his fight against Alduin.
No, Agda thought. I don't want him to carry this burden. Not yet, at least.
Somehow, Steinarius seemed to understand what was happening in Agda's mind. Sighing, he shook his head despite the pain in his collarbones and let out a quick, humorless chuckle.
"You know Agds, sometimes I feel like I'm an open book to you. You, on the other hand, are a constant riddle to me".
Agda made to reply, but Steinarius stopped her with a gesture.
"See, on the one hand there is you, Agda the Cold, the famous Archmage of Winterhold. On the other hand there's me, a simple boy from Cyrodiil that can't do much besides cracking skulls and getting hurt too often for his own sake. Do you know the difference between us, honey? It's very simple, actually: you've been feeling sick for days now and you won't even tell me why, probably because you think I don't really need to know. I, on the other hand, have just received a visit from a Thalmor officier and here I am, already being confronted by you about it. I am right, aren't I? You're here because of the man my mother summoned, aren't you?"
Surprised by Steinarius' perspicacy, Agda couldn't help but nod. The man reacted by letting out another humorless chuckle.
"See Agds, this is the kind of things that really makes me angry about our relationship. I'm supposed to tell you everything that happens to me, but you are entitled to keep your secrets to yourself. Is it because you don't trust me? Or is it because you think you're better than me? Either way, I'm tired of this, Agda, I really am. I would like you to be my best friend, my lover, my advisor - instead, I get the feeling that you just want to be my nanny, or my bodyguard, or the I know better than you kind of friend. Do you know what, Agds? Screw that: I don't want you to protect me, or to show me the right way to be the Dragonborn, or to do whatever else you think you have to do on my behalf. I just miss my woman, my loved one, my partner - and I wish you would abandon this new attitude of yours and go back to being my beloved Agda, even for just one day".
Confronted with those remarks, Agda was left speechless for a long moment. Steinarius usually wasn't good with words, but his speech had striked a cord deep down in her heart. All of a sudden, the young mage thought about her secret meetings with Vigdis and Delphine, she thought about the way she'd failed at protecting Steinarius from his torturers, she thought about her pregnancy and how she was trying hard to keep it a secret from her man.
He is right, Agda suddenly realized. I am keeping all those secrets from him because I think I know what's best, but I'm only doing both of us harm.
The room was silent for what felt like an endless time. Agda was thinking about all the things she had kept from Steinarius; yet, she still couldn't find the strength to tell him about them. She could start by confessing that she was pregnant, sure; then, however, she would be forced to tell her man that she had known about his torturers all along, that Vigdis was alive, that Delphine wasn't as horrible as he thought. Also, she would have to confess him about her involvement with Hermaeus Mora. Unfortunately, to the young mage the thought of getting rid of all those secrets at once was simply appalling.
While Agda was struggling with the consequences of her secrecy, Steinarius carefully examined her face. He loved that girl, of course he did, but he could feel that their relationship was at risk because of her desire to protect him.
Come on, the man found himself thinking as he looked at the torn expression on Aga's face. I know you're with child. Just say it, for Talos' sake!
The Dragonborn waited for Agda to speak for almost an hour. At the end, however, her stubborn silence won.
"Okay, I see that I don't deserve to know why my woman is sick", Steinarius said at that point, his voice tired and matter-of-factly. He had tried to improve things between him and Agda, he really had, but the mage had neatly avoided to answer his call for help. That lack of consideration caused him to feel hurt and sad.
"By the way Agds, don't worry: I will keep on telling you everything that happens in my life", he mockingly added a moment later. "For this reason I officially inform you that I have decided to accept the Thalmor's help. Therefore, if tomorrow you're feeling sick again, you can stay in Breezehome: I'll have someone else take care of me - someone who will treat me with as much superiority as you do, honey, so that I won't even miss you".
Upon hearing those words, Agda felt as though someone had just stabbed her; yet, she couldn't blame Steinarius nor for his decision, nor for his cold words.
If she wanted him to trust her again, she needed to give up on her pride.