17th of Frostfall, 4E 202
For a few days after accepting to marry Steinarius, Agda felt as though she was living in a weird dream. The Dragonborn was sweet and nice to her, sure, yet there was something strange about him, something unsettling, something that often caused cold shivers to run down Agda's spine when they were together. The mage knew that there was something wrong with Steinarius, something that made her wish she could shake him out of his new self and back into the man she had fallen in love with over the previous years; yet, she couldn't identify the reason behing her growing anxiety.
Although the Dragonborn had a different opinion, after accepting to marry him Agda had decided to keep both her pregnancy and their upcoming wedding a secret. The blonde warrior had shrugged his shoulders at that decision, then he had posed her an apparently innocent question.
"Can I at least tell Ancarion?", he had asked, his grey eyes as wide and bright as a child's.
Agda had forced herself to chuckle, then she had explained Steinarius that no, he couldn't tell Ancarion about the latest changes in his life.
"I know you trust him, but I'm afraid Ancarion will give away our secret", the mage had told her lover.
Steinarius had accepted the explanation, Agda instead had felt her heart skip a beat. What had Ancarion done to her lover?
Despite her curiosity, Agda knew that it was better for her not to investigate too much. Ancarion was a Thalmor, and as such he was a formidable opponent - and in her conditions, the young mage didn't feel brave enough to confront him.
A few days after talking to Steinarius, Agda actually started feeling as though she could actually use Ancarion's powers for her own means. She didn't know what kind of spells he used on Steinarius, but one thing was sure: ever since the Thalmor had started curing him, the Dragonborn's health had got much better. The Imperial could now sit up without problems, he could move his arms, he could even take a few steps on his own.
Maybe I should just wait for Ancarion to finish his job, Agda thought one evening, as Steinarius proudly showed her that he could walk around his room in the Temple of Kynareth without even using a crutch. Then I will bring my lover back to Winterhold and I will make sure he returns to his old self before of the final battle against Alduin.
Unfortunately, Agda's optimism disappeared on a beautiful sunny morning.
After waking up, the girl noticed she was feeling less dizzy than usual. Grateful for that, Agda decided to visit Steinarius immediately after breakfast. She knew that Ancarion usually treated her man at that time of the day and she was looking forward to attending one of the healing sessions performed by the Thalmor. In that way, she hoped to learn more about his spells and to be able to speed up Steinarius' recovery by helping him with her own magic. Yet, upon reaching the Temple of Kynareth, Agda was welcomed by the terrifying screams coming from Steinarius' room. Shocked by those pained shouts, Agda immediately ran to her man's chambers. Steinarius' mother, who was sitting on a chair near the entrance of her son's room, didn't even seem to notice her.
"What's going on?", Agda asked, worry and fear well evident in her voice. "Steinarius is screaming like mad!"
Shrugging, Lucretia didn't even raise her eyes from the skirt she was mending.
"As a professional mage, you should know that healing spells can be quite painful", she said.
Agda was shocked by the cold blood of her future mother-in-law - but most of all, she was shocked by the complete look of indifference in her eyes. The woman seemed unaware of the screams coming from Steinarius' room.
"My son is getting better," Lucretia added shortly afterwards. "And I will not allow you to interrupt his treatment and make him feel bad again".
"But can't you hear these screams? Steinarius is suffering!"
"He always screams like this, Agda", Lucretia coldly replied. "Unfortunately, in the mornings you are usually too busy to care about your man, so you have never heard him before. If Danica doesn't confront Ancarion about his healing techniques, I don't see why you should".
Shocked by the coldness of Lucretia, Agda stood still for a moment. Then, however, she tried to walk past her mother-in-law in order to check up on her man. Lucretia, however, was quick to stop her.
"You may be Steinarius' lover, but I am his mother", she hissed. "And now I command you to leave this Temple, otherwise I will call a guard and tell them you were trying to harm to Dragonborn".
Agda made to reply, but in that moment Danica Pure-Spring appeared in the hall. It took the healer just one look to realize what was happening.
"Agda, please come with me", Danica simply said. "We should leave Ancarion to his duties".
Shocked by the lack of support, Agda felt her eyes fill up with tears. Was she the only one who could hear the sufferance in Steinarius' voice? Was she the only one who really cared about his wellbeing? Or was she as selfish as the other two women believed?
Before the mage could find an answer to those questions, Danice grabbed her by the elbow and gently escorted her out of the Temple of Kynareth. Feeling suddenly weak, Agda followed her and sat down on the small stone fence surrounding the building. Her hands were trembling, whereas her heart was beating like mad.
"It's a nightmare", she whispered as dizziness started taking over. "My man is suffering and no one wants to help him".
Sweetened by the frail appearance of the other healer, Danica sat down beside her.
"Agda, we did try to talk to Lucretia about Steinarius", she gently said. "We did try to tell her that Ancarion is hurting him, but Lucretia doesn't care. Her son is now able to talk again, to smile again, to walk again - and you have to admit that this is amazing, especially if you think about how bad his situation was when he first got here a couple of weeks ago. Ancarion' spells may be painful, but they are definitely helping Steinarius. You have to give him that".
As Agda realized the meaning hidden behind these words, she couldn't help but hide her face in her hands and start sobbing like a child. She had just understood that she had no allies in her fight against Ancarion.
That very same night, Steinarius decided to organize a small dinner to celebrate the improvements in his conditions. The Dragonborn didn't want anyone to help him: he wanted to show that he was finally feeling fine again, so he took care of everything himself. He asked Hulda whether he could rent a small room in her inn, he bought fresh vegetables from Carlotta and tasty meat from Anoriath, he even had Arcadia sell him a few red flowers to decorate the table with.
As Agda reached the inn and saw the result of Steinarius' efforts, she immediately felt happy for him. Nonetheless, when she noticed Ancarion talking to Lucretia in a corner of the room Steinarius had booked for that little party, she couldn't help but frown.
"You look stunning tonight".
Steinarius' compliment was enough for Agda to quickly forget her worries. Her man was standing beside her, a bottle of wine in his right hand and his faithful crutch in his left one.
"This afternoon I walked around too much, so now I have to rely on Crutchy", the Imperial explained with a grin.
The Dragonborn was perfectly shaved, his short hair had been neatly combed, his grey clothes looked clean and comfortable. Yet, Agda didn't miss the weird light in his eyes.
"Are you okay?", she asked him, her voice full of concern as she thought about the terrifying screams she had heard less than one day earlier.
Steinarius chuckled, then he took a couple of steps and put the bottle of wine at the center of the table.
"I've never felt better", he said as he slumped down on the nearest chair. "Actually, I didn't think I would be able to organize this dinner by myself. And instead, here we are, all together and smiling. I just hope I didn't forget anything important..."
As Steinarius scanned the table in order to check whether something was missing, Agda was overwhelmed by mixed feelings of sweetness, tenderness and worry. Her man looked perfectly fine; why then was he screaming so loudly that morning? Was she wrong in thinking that the Thalmors were hurting him? And how could Ancarion's healing spells be so painful and so good at the same time?
As the Thalmor turned to look at her and smiled, Agda couldn't help but lower her gaze.
She had no answers to her terrible questions.
The dinner went by calmly. Agda sat down between Aburius and Steinarius, who often smiled at her and gently caressed her knee for the whole time. The boy tried to involve everyone in the conversation and made sure that all his guests were having fun. As she noticed the look of happiness on Adrianne, Lucretia, Arcadia and Danica's faces, Agda soon realized that her man was suceeding.
For most of the evening the young mage could forget about her worries and simply revel in Steinarius' proximity, in his smiles, in his loving caresses. When Farengar mentioned the tasks that still awaited her man, however, Agda felt a tingle of nervousness at the base of her neck.
"Now that you are doing better, we can finally start turning Dragonsreach in a trap, Crepusculus", the court mage said once the dinner was over.
Lucretia faked a small cough, whereas Aburius cast a warning glance towards Balgruuf's helper. Agda, instead, immediately turned towards Steinarius. The Dragonborn frowned at Farengar's words, then he nervously poured some wine into his empty goblet. Feeling ignored, the court mage spoke again.
"Come on Crepusculus, you have defeated Alduin once, you can defeat him again!", he said with a creepy smile.
Forced to find a reply, Steinarius blushed and hesitantly chuckled.
"I beg your pardon, Farengar", he said. "I might have missed something, because I don't know what you are talking about. Why would I need to turn Dragonsreach into a trap?"
At Steinarius' words, the whole room was overwhelmed by feelings of shock and surprise. Lucretia hastily took a sip of wine, Ancarion nervously chuckled, Agda lowered her gaze. She believed Steinarius to have overcome his memory problems, but she had been wrong.
Despite his astonishment, Farengar Secret-Fire was the first to overcome the silence that hat descended upon the room.
"You seriously don't remember?", he asked, his eyes fixed on Steinarius' face. "You don't remember anything? You don't remember Odahviing, the peace talks in High Hrotghar, the truce with the Legion and the Stormcloaks...Nothing?"
The Dragonborn seemed sincerely mortified by that situation, whereas most of his guests looked shocked and confused at the same time.
They have just found out about his memory problems, Agda realized as she took in Wulfberth, Adrianne and Frajla's expressions. After all, how could they know? I am Steinarius' lover and even I don't know exactly what's going on with his mind...
Sensing how uncomfortable his son was feeling, Aburius Crepusculus was the only one who had the strength to reply to Farengar.
"My son is going through a very painful treatment for his injuries", he said, his voice slightly shaking. "Unfortunately, the spells are helping his body, but causing troubles to his memory. It is nothing serious, however".
Before Farengar could pose any other question, Aburius raised one hand.
"I think it is now time for us to rest", he stated. As the old Imperial spoke, Agda understood why he had once been one of the most respected soldiers of the Legion. "My son had a long day and so did we".
Surprised by the burning light in Aburius' grey eyes, even Farengar did not dare to reply. Still frowning in confusion, the mage was quick to stand up and exit the room together with all the other guests, thus leaving Steinarius alone with his parents, Agda and Ancarion.
"I should take my leave too", the Thalmor announced shortly afterwards.
Lucretia was quick to stand up and prompt her son to do the same.
"Come on, Steinarius", she said, her voice sweet and gentle. "It was a long evening for all of us, let's go to bed".
Much to the woman's dismay, however, Steinarius did not move. His grey eyes were full of hurt and confusion, whereas his pale face seemed incredibly strained.
"I... I don't understand", he muttered, his voice barely louder than a whisper. "Why did everyone leave? Did I... Did I do anything wrong?"
Agda was overcome by the pain in her man's voice. In that moment, Steinarius looked like a child who was asking for his parents' forgiveness.
"You didn't do anything wrong, my son", Aburius replied with a sigh. Right then, the former soldier seemed overcome by tiredness and by his old age. "The others left just because they were tired - and now we should leave too".
Despite his father's words, Steinarius refused to stand up.
"I know that the others didn't leave because they were tired", he said, his voice now stronger. "They asked me a question and they were shocked because I didn't know what they were talking about. Why do we need to turn Dragonsreach into a trap? Who are the Stormcloaks? What is Odahviing?"
Ignoring his son's questions, Aburius sighed again.
"Boy, it is time to go to bed. We'll talk about this tomorrow".
"I don't want to wait until tomorrow!", Steinarius suddenly shouted. The walls of the room shook with the power of his voice. "For Talos, I'm tired of being treated like an overgrown child! I saw the look of shock on Wulfberth's face, I saw how confused Farengar was, I saw how terrified Aradia looked! Can anyone tell me what the Oblivion is going on? What do all these people want from me? And why do you never answer my questions? Yesterday I asked who Thorygg was and the only reply I had was a look of pity and a pat on the shoulder! I'm tired, for Talos, I'm tired to be treated like a stupid brat!"
When Steinarius stopped shouting, Aburius seemed on the verge of breaking into tears. Beside him, Lucretia was quick to look for Ancarion's help.
"Ancarion, dear, if you could use one of your spells to calm my son..."
Before the Thalmor could reply and before Steinarius could start screaming again, Agda decided to intervene.
"There is no need for spells", she said, her voice firm and her eyes full of determination. "Steinarius, would you like to spend the night with me? I will tell you what I know about Odahviing and Thorygg".
Agda noticed the look of shock on Lucretia's face; yet, when the woman made to speak, Aburius quickly stopped her with a gesture.
Surprised by Agda's offer, Steinarius carefully scanned her face.
"I... I... I think it's fine", he said, hesitation well evident in his voice. "Will you really tell me what I need to know?"
Feeling her man's fear, Agda was quick to reach for his hand and squeeze it.
"I will, Steinarius, I promise you I will. First, however, you need to rest".
Convinced by Agda's calmness and sweetness, Steinarius slowly nodded. As he did, Agda sighed in relief.
She had one night to understand what was going on with her man.
The streets of Whiterun were cold and empty. As she walked through them together with Steinarius, Agda shivered multiple times. Realizing that she was freezing, the Imperial laid a hand on her back.
"You can walk faster, if you want", he said while pointing at his crutch. "I will catch up with you later. You are freezing and I don't want to be a nuisance".
Agda turned to look at her man. The joy from the dinner had completely disappeared from his face, leaving a trail of sadness and worry behind. In the faint lights of the city, his scars and his mutilated ear were more visible than ever.
He is exhausted, Agda realized as she looked at him. He is exhausted, and it's all our fault.
Feeling a sudden wave of tenderness for her man, the girl stopped and took his face between her hands.
"You are not a nuisance, Steinarius", she said, her brown eyes fixed in his grey ones. "You have never been and you never will be. You are the man I love and I will never leave you behind. Do you hear me?"
Steinarius sighed, then he hid his face in the crook of Agda's shoulder.
"I'm tired", he whispered. "So damned tired..."
When she noticed that her future husband was trembling, Agda was quick to cover him with her cloak.
"Let's go", she gently whispered to him. "The inn is not far. Here, take my arm".
Steinarius quickly obeyed and the two resumed walking towards 'The Drunken Huntsman'. When forced to leave Breezehome, Agda had in fact decided to take up residence there - in her opinion 'The Bannered Mare' was too crowded and loud.
The young girl was greeted in the tavern by the tired look on Anoriath's face.
"Jenassa has not come back yet", the Elf told Agda. "You can occupy her room, as usual".
Agda nodded, then left him more money than usual.
"Steinarius is with me", she explained. "We could use some privacy".
Anoriath looked at the coins the woman had just given him. Taking the hint, he walked to the door of the tavern and locked it.
"I shall take my leave", he announced, then he disappeared in his bedroom.
Finally alone, Agda gestured for Steinarius to walk towards her small room in the corner of the tavern. That place was really little, but it had everything Agda needed.
Stifling a curse, Steinarius slumped down on the bed.
"I have been walking too much", he hissed. "My legs hurt".
Worried, Agda was quick to help her man lay down on the mattress. Slowly and gently, she then proceeded to take off his boots and his trousers. When Steinarius tried to protest, Agda shushed him.
"You should change into something more comfortable", she explained while showing him some old, baggy farmer clothes. They were not very fashionable, but they were clean and comfortable. "It's going to be a long night".
Steinarius allowed Agda to help him, ignoring the true reason why the girl wanted him to undress. The mage felt guilty at being so manipulative, yet she felt the need to check the Dragonborn's body for injuries connected to Ancarion's healing spells. When she found nothing, she felt immensely relieved.
Once he had changed into the farmer clothes, Steinarius stretched out on the bed and yawned. Agda couldn't help but affectionately run a hand through his short hair.
"You should lay down too", the Dragonborn told her at that moment. "You probably had a very tiring day - and then, I don't want you to make too many efforts".
As he stopped talking, Steinarius gently reached for Agda. He convinced her to lay down next to him, then he lovingly laid a hand on her belly.
"Everyone always fusses around me, but they should be more worried about you", he softly said. "I feel as though I'm not giving you enough attention, Agds - and only the Gods know how guilty I feel for neglecting you and the child".
As Agda noticed the tiredness in Steinarius' eyes, she couldn't help but kiss him tenderly on the lips. As soon as she did, the man deepened the kiss and allowed his hands to roam freely all over her spine, her legs, her shoulders. Overcome by the love she felt for him, Agda closed her eyes and abandoned herself to the Dragonborn's attention. Ever since he had been tortured, it was the first time they could revel in that type of contact - and only then did Agda realize how much she had missed it.
Steinarius broke the connection after a few minutes, his chest heaving in time with his breathes and his eyes full of longing and desire.
"Gods, how I missed you", he smiled as he noticed Agda's tousled hair.
The mage chuckled, then she abandoned herself on his chest.
"I missed you too, Stein, I missed you too".
There was a moment of silence, then Steinarius sighed.
"You know, sometimes I feel as though I'm about to lose my mind", he softly said. "The last five minutes... Well, I think it was the first time I felt like my old self again, Agds. After being tortured, I mean".
Smiling bitterly at that confession, Agda propped herself on her elbows and gently caressed her man's forehead.
"You don't remember much, do you?", she asked.
Steinarius shook his head.
"When I'm with you, I feel in control of myself and of my past. Whenever I'm with my mother, or with Ancarion, I just feel lost. Odahviing, Thorygg, the Stormcloaks... I have no idea what they're talking about! I do remember some things from my past, but others are just a blur".
"What do you remember, for example?", Agda gently asked.
"I remember you, Agds", Steinarius quickly replied. "At least, I remember most of my time with you. I remember Riverwood, then I remember Blackreach; I remember Alduin and I remember Solstheim; I remember the Companions and I remember Vigdis; I also remember a few things about being a soldier, or something like that. Everything else is a blur".
"Do you remember Solitude and your childhood?"
Steinarius pulled a grimace.
"I remember something, but not everything. I remember fishing in Karth River, learning to ride with my father, watching the soldiers train in Castle Dour".
Patiently and sweetly, Agda asked Steinarius whether he remembered about Elisif the Fair and her wedding to King Thorygg.
"I do remember some kind of celebrations I attended with Vigdis and I do remember a beautiful girl named Elisif. Thorygg, however... Who was he?"
Stifling a sigh, Agda gently caressed her man's chest.
"Thorygg was the High King of Skyrim, love. He was the Jarl of Solitude, Elisif's husband, a good man and a poet. And he was your best friend".
Upon hearing those words, Steinarius' eyes widened.
"If he was my best friend, why have I forgotten about him?"
Confronted with the worry in his voice, Agda shook her head.
"I don't know, Stein, I don't know. But I will find out".
The rest of the night went by calmly. Agda caressed her lover until dawn, all while recounting him everything she knew about his friendship with Thorygg, his time in the Legion, his desire to avenge his friend right after his murder. As she spoke, Agda realized that Steinarius had forgotten many things connected to the politics of Skyrim. He had forgotten Thorygg, but he perfectly remembered his time with the Companions; he remembered venturing in Bleak Falls Barrow and killing Mirmulnir, but he had forgotten Delphine and her suspicions regarding the Thalmor; he had forgotten Odahviing and the truce he had brought about in Skyrim, but he could perfectly recall his last visit to Paarthurnax. Last but not least, he perfectly remembered the ring he had smithed for Agda, but he had no clue as to the identity of the people who had tortured him on his way back to Riften.
As the sun resumed shining on Whiterun, the Dragonborn finally fell asleep. Agda had talked to him about most of the things he had forgotten and had come to a surprising conclusion: Steinarius had forgotten everything he knew about the politics of Skyrim and about the Thalmor. He remembered Labyrinthian, but he had forgotten the fight against Ancano; he remembered Mzulft, but he had forgotten that Agda had once been tortured; he remembered talking to Tullius in Solitude, but he had forgotten the peace treaty of High Hrotghar.
As she looked at the calm expression of her man, Agda understood that she needed to get him away from Ancarion as soon as possible.