I'm still here! Just working my way along! Thank you so much for your support - the reviews are very, very appreciated! Please let me know what you think.
Next time, Ravenholm! Horay!
Black Mesa East
(Part Two)
She led him over the crags of metal, nimble as a mountain goat, while Gordon couldn't help but stumble in keeping up. She was following a haphazard trail, something she had evidently memorized by heart. Over this box, then jump here, put your foot right here -
"That's it!" she called back to him, encouraging.
Finally, they walked through a large storage unit - a low, protective tunnel; Gordon was oddly reminded of a McDonald's jungle gym. On the other side was a large clearing, about as long as a basketball court. The edges were still stacked with old gadgets and tech, and there was an even larger set of work tables in the far corner. Just to the left of them was a large, wooden doghouse with a red-painted, peaked roof. As they dropped down from the storage unit, Gordon also caught sight, nearby, of a small wood sign, hung by chains from a discarded flagpole, leaning against a broken, half-dismantled washing machine. It was scrawled in the same shade of red as the doghouse roof, and was clearly the work of a child. It read: "BEWARE OF DOG."
Alyx stood nearby, hands on her hips, smiling at the clearing. "Now, let me call Dog," she declared. "He loves to play fetch." And with a loud, clear voice, she shouted across the clearing, her voice echoing like church bells off the stone walls: "Dog! Come!"
Instantly, something peered out from the large doghouse across the clearing - and as far as Gordon was concerned, it was not a dog.
He flinched - it was enormous. Something emerged from the veil of shadow, and was stampeding across the clearing towards them, a cacophony of metal banging on rock that made Gordon want to plug his ears, but he resisted. Alyx grinned as she stepped forward fearlessly to meet the beast.
It was a robot.
A big robot.
At least eight feet tall, it looked like it had been born spontaneously from the scrap piles around them. It was pieced together like a Lego monstrosity. Its design roughly followed the skeleton of a gorilla, with enormous arms and smaller legs, and a stooped, hunched back. Its right shoulder and bicep was an industrial-grade propeller blade, probably from a wind tunnel test chamber. This was attached, by some ingenious joint mechanism, to a neon-orange forearm from a construction bobcat. This was crowned with a kind of hand-hoof, which looked like car-scrap custom shaped with a welding torch. All these parts were rigged with cleverly twined cables. And so it went for the whole body: an industrial grade nightmare. And it moved; not with the stiffness Gordon expected from robots and machinery, but with a natural grace that had fooled him into assuming it was an animal, up until it halted ten feet from him.
Its head was a rusted metal flower: three moving petals around a flat disk, punctured in the center by a red, glowing pupil. The head was especially flexible and expressive, the petals fluttering with all the nuance of a curious German Shepherd. The neck craned the head so smoothly that Gor-don's instincts could not dismiss the possibility that the robot was sentient. Yet, from its body also came a dull, constant thrum, like a well-oiled engine, which reminded Gordon's mind that the being could just as well be as sentient as a toaster.
The robot, upon approaching Alyx, leaned forward, and performed a perfect somersault. Its body rotated in its various sockets in a way that only a machine could do.
"Good doggie!" Alyx crooned. The behemoth crouched down so that its head was at her eyelevel, and Alyx grabbed two of its petals and shook it affectionately. It made several strange, robotic warbles in response.
Alyx looked back at Gordon and laughed. "Gordon, this is Dog," she explained. "My Dad built him to protect me, when I was a kid." By now Dog had risen back to "his" normal height, and was fixating "his" strange iris on Gordon. "The first mod-el," Alyx continued, "was about…eh, this high -" and she gestured at a little above her hip, three feet off the ground "- but I've been adding to him ever since. Haven't I, boy?"
Dog warbled, as if in agreement. Alyx stroked its top petal.
Gordon just stared.
"Confused?" Alyx predicted.
"Um…"
"This isn't artificial intelligence, if you're wondering," she replied. "There's the brain and spine of a Great Dane in here," and she tapped on Dog's central carapace. A wave of relief rushed through Gordon. He did not even care how such a transfer was possible.
"After Black Mesa blew," Alyx continued absently, "my Dad found me in that nearby town with all the other escaped civilians…"
She paused, as though picking and choosing what she had the strength to talk about.
"A few days later," she continued, "the Combine managed to reopen another portal here. In seven hours all of Earth's militaries were decimated. And here we were, stuck in this little backward desert town. Dad, Kleiner, Barney...
"A big Combine dropship came - it was this giant, nasty bug, but it was mutated into a helicopter, somehow, so it could hold passengers - I still don't know if those things are alive or dead. Anyway, Dr. Breen came out of it, with a regiment of Combine soldiers. He wanted to see Dad. And I guess they talked for a long while, just the two of them. And afterwards Dad came back and he was…well, I found out later that he had tried to attack Breen, but was beaten by the guards for it, until Breen ordered them to stop -"
But Alyx cut herself off, as though she were embarrassed by something. "Sorry; anyway. That doesn't have to do with Dog. I met Dog a year after that; his owners were dead, and he became very attached to me as a girl. And something more-or-less killed him, but Dad transferred him - whatever. It doesn't matter." And she kicked somewhat violently at the stone floor.
Dog pushed its face up against her. She smiled and rubbed its metal back. "Who's a good boy?" she said.
"Can it feel?" Gordon asked cautiously.
"Sort of," Alyx replied. "It's hard to explain. Wanna play fetch?" And without waiting for his answer, she was already running, over towards a nearby stack of boxes, while Dog tramped back towards its shelter. Gordon just stood watching.
Alyx dragged something into view from nearby - it was the music player. She turned it on -
"Oh, ho, ho,
it's magic!
you know…"
Then he saw: Dog, with one of its giant arms, reached into a large metal receptacle, and drew out a large wooden crate.
"Go ahead, Dog!" Alyx called out over the music. "Throw!"
Uh…wait… Gordon realized.
Like a catapult unfurling, Dog hurled the box with its arm - it flew up towards the ceiling, grazing an electric cable - by now it was clearing the stone football field - it was falling right for Gordon, hurtling like a car for him - no, not on top of Gordon, but less than a meter or two in front of him -
He triggered the gravity gun, and snagged it from the air.
"There you go!" Alyx called happily. "Throw it back!"
He launched it, at an angle, and after a few moments, Dog seized it with its long arms.
"Yeah! Alright!" Alyx cheered. Dog was very excited. The next throw came rather closer towards Gordon, making him uncomfortable, but he caught it without trouble and launched it back.
She's got an interesting sense of humor, he thought to himself.
Dog launched the crate -
I wish she had let herself talk more…
The crate was hurtling towards him again -
…oh, crap -
The crate was too close - instinctively, he lunged out of the way, the gravity gun tossed to the side, clattering across the floor.
The wood crate hit a foot from where Gordon had been standing - it crunched together; the walls splintered inwards, then recoiled, flinging a hundred shards of itself forwards, while the main body cartwheeled for another yard.
"Gordon!" Alyx cried out. "Oh my - Gordon!" She was rushing up to him, and Dog, out of loyalty, was rushing up behind her. "Are you alright? Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," he reassured her. "Let's not play fetch anymore, though. I'd prefer that. Did I damage the gun?"
"Who cares about that junk?" she said with unexpected vehemence. "I am so sorry - my God, I'm so sorry, Gordon. I just wasn't thinking, I was trying not to think -"
"It's really quite alright, Alyx -"
"No, it's not, it's not. You could have gotten killed - my God - I'm so sorry - Dog! Dog go get your ball. That's right, good boy -"
She made the unnecessary effort of helping Gordon to his feet, and then, after staring awkwardly at his blank face, she turned away, as if in shame, her fists clenched at her sides.
"Never been awake,
never seen a day break,
leaning on my pillow in the morning…"
Dog approached a nearby, overturned tub, on which a large boulder had been placed. Without much effort, he lifted the rock off the tub, which instantly began to vibrate and move. And before Gordon could get a look at Alyx's face, she was laughing at the tub. Dog, playing comedian, followed it around, as it seemingly tried to escape him. Finally, he lifted it up with one of his metal paws. Nothing was underneath it. But upon turning the tub towards Gordon, he could see, stuck to the inside, as if by magnets, a small metal contraption the size of a soccer ball. In fact, if every other hexagon on a soccer ball were caused to protrude out by half a foot, it would resemble that strange metal urchin. Dog reached into the tub, seized the ball, and threw it back across the football field. It smacked against the stone wall, bouncing noisily across the floor, and began to roll of its own accord, in an effort to escape Dog.
Alyx finished laughing. She folded her arms and looked at Gordon.
"I'm having a bad time," she said.
"You, uh…" Gordon replied uncertainty, "want to…talk about it?"
She didn't respond. Gordon wasn't sure if she could hear him over the music and the clamor of Dog.
"Hold on…"
He walked over to the music player and shut off the music. Dog stopped his antics, and glanced over at Alyx, perhaps in concern.
Alyx did not respond. Her face was downturned a bit, and the stark floodlights obscured her features in shadow. Her silence was unnerving.
"Hey," Gordon said, trying to be gentle. "I'm going to play therapist this time, alright? You're…I mean, you're obviously in a bad place, and I want to help. Like you've helped me."
Silence.
"You're sort of my anchor, right now," he offered, but immediately regretted it. He couldn't throw more responsibility on her now. He couldn't guilt her into feeling better for his sake - "Just kidding," he tried. "No, wait, that's not…I don't mean that. I just mean: don't feel even guiltier on account of me."
He scratched his head feverishly.
"You've got to be a little selfish now," he said, quoting her. "I'm here, happy to listen. I'm…not much, but I'm here."
Then he sat down, cross-legged on the ground, like a child preparing for story-time.
Dog, by now, had crept somewhat closer to them in apparent curiosity. As Gordon sat down, he followed suite with a metallic clatter.
Alyx smiled at that, and patted one of Dog's arms.
"I don't know what you want me to talk about," she said.
"What's on your mind?" Gordon replied. "I've got nowhere to go."
"Mossman and Dad are on my mind."
"Alright."
"They're probably dry humping their flaccid junk," she spat, her tone venomous, "on each other right now, in that freaking lab. Can't shake the habit, I suppose."
Gordon blinked. "I really hope they're not doing that in there."
"I bet you fifty dollars they are."
"Money is worthless now."
"Not true. You can make origami with them."
"You learned origami?" Gordon asked. "Eli didn't teach you that…?"
"No, it was a sweet Japanese couple from…" Alyx paused. "Dad and I were sent to a German town by Breen. And we ended up hiding out in a basement with these two Japanese people and a little Swedish girl they were trying to take care of." She paused again. "Breen split everybody else up - Kleiner, Barney, Dad - but he kept me and Dad together. I think it was just to make Dad slower, because he was stuck with this little brat he had to take care of. And Breen also set up the cities we were put in, so that the Combine didn't actually interfere at all; they just kept us all from leaving. Then he would have a few gangs of thugs get put in all together with the rest of us, and without any organized police force they could just wreak havoc. That was how it was for three months or so. Finally the Combine stepped in and killed all the criminals publically, and started instituting order. They brought back the electricity, the water, they let people trade and sell and protected their rights. Once you've had months of bloody anarchy, any sort of government, even a totalitarian one, starts looking good. It's just how the mind works. People were desperate. And that's how they got people to submit at first."
By now Alyx was seated on the ground across from Gordon.
"What happened to the couple and the girl?" Gordon asked.
"All killed," she said. "Thugs found us one night - well, so what happened was, in the basement we were also living with three dogs; their owners had lived in the apartments above us, I think. One of them was this giant Great Dane, just the sweetest, slobbering thing…" and she reached out to Dog's arm and patted it. "But the thugs found us, and wanted…well, it doesn't really matter what they wanted. There was a firefight, I guess. The three dogs attacked the thugs, and two were shot and killed but Dog here was only wounded. He tore those guys to bloody pieces; he shredded them. A year or two later, he got a much worse injury, but Dad was able to use some Combine tech he'd found to transfer Dog's nervous system into a robot carrier."
She pet Dog's face petals, and it made a noise, a kind of mechanical croon.
"I don't know, Gordon. A lot happened…"
Gordon didn't answer; he didn't know how, and he didn't want to mess this up.
"I remember seeing my Dad, just, crying. Just sobbing. I didn't know why, I was still young. We'd been through a lot. Actually, it was the night before we finally escaped the city. I assumed it was about my Mom. I don't know anymore, though."
Alyx paused for a minute.
"I don't know if I want to talk about this, Gordon. I appreciate you being willing to listen, but…"
She paused again. Gordon did nothing but look her straight in the eyes.
C'mon, he thought. Talk about it. Get it all out. Please… You've done it before. You talked to me about your Mom. Why don't you tell me anything now? Please, what is it?
He was almost unblinking - he had always been unsure what to do with his eyes in a conversation, especially with girls. Usually he would look into the distance, because the intimacy of their eyes distracted him. But when he listened, he would fixate on their eyes, to make sure they knew he was paying attention. He wondered now, whether it was unnerving.
"But it's just…" Alyx began again. "Dad…when I saw him crying, that's just when it clicked. I'd never seen him crying before. And I realized what it really meant that other people have feelings. What that really means, you know? It was…after that I started doing everything I could for Dad. I never whined, or complained. I ate whatever he gave me for meals. I started learning how to cook, though I still suck at it…I would do my best to keep his spirits up…I made up games so we'd have something to do. I got other people to teach me skills so I could help."
She paused.
"I…"
She paused again.
C'mon.
"Then we ran into Mossman. And she just…now it's like she's my mother, or thinks she's Mom. She was always motherly, except she sucks at it. But Dad just goes with it. And now he's banging her, like she's Mom. Like, what the hell?" she snarled. But then she took a deep breath and continued. "I tried so hard to be there for him to talk to. I would sit there and just listen, but he wouldn't say anything about how he felt. Nothing about Mom, or the past, or anything emotional. I tried to be there for him…but then Mossman comes along. Then Mossman comes along, and he talks to her all the time. I know he talks to her about his feelings. Mossman, of all people! She doesn't have any feelings! Not any good ones! But he just falls head over heels for her - and what am I? I'm just the bratty little girl that Breen dumped on him, to slow him down! I'm just luggage! There's nothing I can do for him! Nothing important! I can kill people, but what the hell does that make me? Am I just a thug? Like those thugs who Dog killed?" Alyx was snarling again. Her nostrils flared. "This woman comes along and he's just gone - did he care at all about me? Did he care about Mom? Does he even care about Mossman? Who is my Dad? I don't know anymore! I haven't known since Mossman showed up!"
She was shouting now.
"I got them data - do you know how many times I've gotten them data? Raided Combine bases, hacked into their files? But every time it's corrupted! Every time, I screw something else up! I can't even do that right! I can't hack for crap! I can't figure it out! I risk life and limb just to get him information that means something, just to get another chance to be useful - And that's why I'm not mad at you, Gordon! I'm glad you wanted to raid a base for no reason! I was happy to get another chance, another crack at getting data! At doing something meaningful - but it's going to turn out again…I know it, I know that the data is just going to be corrupt like every other time because I can't -"
Very suddenly, she halted. It was as though she had tripped herself. Now her head began to sink back towards her chest, as if she were ashamed.
All Gordon could think: That whole infiltrating the Combine was worthless? That was nothing new?
"I just get really angry," she was saying, looking down at the floor.
She didn't tell me…she, used me? Took an opportunity?
No, no…it's my fault, I gave her the idea…
…but it was all pointless…
"I've always just…gotten really angry -" She cut herself off again.
Gordon felt a deep pit yawn in his stomach. Did I push her too much? Is this any of my business?
This isn't my business - what have I done?
"I don't really want to talk anymore, Gordon."
"That's okay."
"I'm sorry…I'm not usually angry. It's not that often. I think I'm just…I'm just tired. Claustrophobic. I'm not usually like this. I swear."
"Sure."
Silence. Alyx looked…nervous.
"You wanna play cards?" she asked, with a cheerfulness that was as superficial as Mossman's.
"Sure," Gordon repeated, his voice nearly dead.
They played cards for another hour or so. Then Gordon played a little more with the gravity gun, asking Alyx questions about how precisely it worked.
It was evening by the time he returned to his room. He was careful to avoid the lab; he did not want to talk with anyone right now, much less Eli or Judith.
He lay on his cot, staring blankly at the ceiling. The pit in his stomach had not gone away. He felt almost chilled.
The data always gets corrupted…
…"I can't hack for crap"…
Something about that left him empty.
It all felt like it was falling apart, and he shared blame for it.
He sat up on his bed, pulled his notebook out, and began furiously scribbling out what he had learned from Alyx.
We're not back to square one. I can fix this…I can -
Near the bottom of the page, he concluded:
"GIVEN ENOUGH ENERGY: QUANTAL SUSPENSION SUSTAINABLE…"
There was a knock at his door.
He closed the notebook quickly, unpleasantly reminded of the real world and its problems.
He slowly approached the noise.
"Yes?" he asked.
"It's Eli," said Eli.
Gordon opened the door.
Eli smiled sadly. "Hey there, Gordon. How is she?" he asked immediately.
Gordon blinked. "What?"
"How's Alyx? How's she holding up?"
Gordon frowned. For some reason, his brain was not processing Eli's question. Something about it seemed insufferably stupid to him.
"She's fine?" his mouth replied automatically.
"I apologize; I woke you up, didn't I?"
"No, not at all. I'm just working."
"Ah, alright. Then, do you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?"
"Sure."
Eli paused. "Heh, you mean, 'sure,' as in, I can talk to you?"
"Whatever floats your boat," Freeman said. The joke didn't take, so he smiled reassuringly, and Eli smiled back as he closed the door behind him.
"Alyx has had…" Eli began, but then paused. "She's had a hard life."
Gordon nodded, and waited for more. There was such sadness in Eli's face. But otherwise, he could not tell what Eli was getting at, or what his purpose was.
After a minute or two of silence, it occurred to him that perhaps Eli had been expecting some kind of report.
"Did you…" Gordon ventured, "want…something?"
"Well," Eli chuckled, "I guess I assumed Alyx wasn't doing 'fine,' and you would want someone to talk about it with."
Gordon nodded again. "She isn't doing fine. She's angry at you for…doing whatever you and Mossman do…does it actually count as sex anymore, if nothing really works?"
Eli burst out laughing. Gordon was irritated by this, because the question had been meant seriously. People always got weird and unpredictable when sex came up. So he decided to push past it. "Never mind, that's irrelevant. The point is -"
"No, no," Eli said, still chuckling. "Let's pause there, Gordon. I'm sorry I'm laughing. It's like they say: if you don't laugh, you'll cry. It's just the way you put it…it just was funny to me…"
"Alyx doesn't think it's funny."
"I know she doesn't."
Eli sighed, his smile disappearing. He continued. "She doesn't understand sex. Nobody her age does. Plenty of people my age never did, even before the citadel -"
"I really don't care," Gordon interrupted, rather sharply. "I don't care at all about your sex life right now. I only care about Alyx. And she is having a hard time. Are you going to fix it, or do I have to?"
Eli's look grew somewhat dark. After a moment of thought, he said, "She doesn't want to talk to me about it."
"And you do?"
"People are not equations, Gordon," Eli said, stern. "You don't just 'fix' them."
"Irrelevant -"
"No, it is relevant, Gordon," Eli insisted. "You and Alyx have connected in a way that…you just dropped back in, Gordon, out of the blue; and if I heard right, you hadn't been back for even a full day before you and Alyx were confiding in each other. I couldn't doubt there is a God after that answer to my prayers. That Gordon Freeman would, of all…" He paused. "Alyx stopped confiding in me since Mossman and I began our relationship. She…must be so lonely. I know she is. But you are closer to my daughter than anyone on this planet. You don't realize how perfect you are for this situation…so yes Gordon, I am concerned with how you choose to handle your relationship with her. You are all I've got."
Gordon was unsure what to say. His brain was having trouble computing things.
"What are you talking about?" he finally said.
Eli sighed deeply, his fingers massaging his forehead. Then he laughed, and coughed a little too. "I'm sorry, Gordon -"
"Be sorry to Alyx. Go work out your problems, or something. Make her feel better."
"Just let me finish," Eli insisted. "There is a great deal on my mind. I've made serious…decisions. I don't know how many will turn out to be mistakes. I can't explain everything now…but please, you are a godsend - Alyx needs…she needs to…" He broke up into coughing again. Gordon stood up, worried, despite his growing irritation. But Eli waved him back down. "She needs you, not me," Eli said. "Soon, she's going to have to get on without me, Gordon. Too soon. She'll be all the better for it, so long as someone is there to help -"
"Are you sick?" Gordon asked, point blank. "Alien cancer?"
"What? No. No I'm not sick, not in the conventional sense -" Eli replied.
"Good. Then go fix this yourself."
There was a moment of awkward silence.
"I suck at it. I can't fix her," Gordon continued, beginning to ramble with increasing violence, "I need her to fix me. Don't throw your problems on me, Eli. Don't do that. I suck at people. I don't know what to do with all of you people. People don't make sense. They get angry and they have sex and they smile but don't mean it and sometimes when they smile it means one thing and sometimes it's another and I can't stand it. I can't stand it. There is nothing for me to do here. I don't know what to do. I think I maybe hate all of you, except Alyx, but maybe I'll end up hating her too. But don't throw even more on me. Don't do that."
They stood silently for another few moments. Eli…was so sad, as he looked at Gordon, as though he vaguely understood what was happening behind those glasses.
Gordon stood up. Though Eli was taller, just by an inch, yet Gordon still managed to tower against him. "Now, get out," he said, oddly polite.
Eli was taken aback. "Gordon…"
Gordon repeated himself. "Get out."
Eli, confused, hurt, defeated, old - left the room, and closed the door behind him.
When he was gone, Gordon locked it. He leaned against the wall. He slid down, until he was hugging his knees to his chest, and burying his face into his thighs. He sat there for a minute or two.
He grabbed his notebook. He flipped through, reviewing his efforts of the past week. Then he began furiously scribbling notes, drawing diagrams, making his handwriting as clear as he possibly could. And he began ripping out these new pages, and setting them in a neat pile beside him.
Within two hours, he had created a small booklet of five front-and-back pages. His wrist throbbed.
His brain was numb. He wasn't really thinking anymore; everything had gotten too chaotic, too complex, too violent in his mind. He could not handle it anymore; he could not even tell precisely what he couldn't handle, because the memories were still in the overheating rooms of his brain. So he shut the fire doors on them; he quarantined the fire, he sealed it in. Damage control: let the rooms burn, burn, burn - burn themselves out.
In the meantime, he had work to do.
It was three in the morning. The night shifts were mainly active in the upstairs levels. But Eli and Mossman were to bed. The teleportation lab was empty.
Gordon was silent.
He slipped in with the booklet of notes, as well as his entire notebook in hand.
He glanced around the room, lit only by a dim emergency bulb in the ceiling.
He placed the notes on Eli's primary desk, and held it down with a pen. He kept the remaining notebook with him.
At the very top of the notes' cover sheet was written:
"THIS SHOULD FINISH IT. THANKS FOR THE FOOD. - G. Free."
He had to work quickly now. The H.E.V. suit was in storage on the same level, but it was possible somebody was tending to it; he did not know the schedule. But he would find a way once he saw the situation.
And, once he had the suit: up through the top floors - he would tell the guards he was on a divine mission, or some nonsense like that. Though, I guess, in a sense, I am. I'm going to destroy the citadel. I'm just not doing it with anyone else. They have the teleporter now, anyway. They have the best I have to offer them. They don't need me anymore. And I don't want them to need me anymore.
And yet, he thought to himself, C'mon Gordon, you're going to run away again?
Yeah, I am, he replied to himself. I'm running away into even greater danger. Why? Were you going to tell me I'm being a coward?
You're leaving Alyx behind.
I'm not her boyfriend. I'm a weirdo she feels sorry for.
Are you kidding?
No. And also, I last knew Alyx as a little girl. You don't think that's weird?
She's not a little girl anymore.
Shut up. Shut up, shut up…
You know this is a jerk move.
I. Don't. Care. I am not staying here.
They want you here. This will kill Alyx, you know -
SHUT UP.
You already did this before -
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP -
Your parents never forgave you for cutting them off like this -
Gordon kicked at one of the tables with terrifying violence. It screeched six inches across the hard floor, and several monitors and other valuable equipment were knocked to the ground with awful shattering sounds.
He breathed heavily.
…
One of the monitors, still on the table, had turned on. The screen had only been asleep. Now its piercing digital light was outshining the emergency bulb.
Gordon had not been paying attention before: only now did he realize that, plugged into the monitor's computer, was Alyx's data-drive - the very one which she had stored the stolen Combine data on.
As if in a trance, he approached the computer. None of them were password protected. The screen was just right there for him to view.
…
PROCESSING…
DOWNLOAD COMPLETE.
"Standard": BEGIN /
SENDING DOWNLOAD…
WARNING: UNREGISTERED DESTINATION INPUT...
LOCKS OVERRIDED, PERMISSIONS GRANTED.
HELLO ELI.
…RESUMING DOWNLOAD.
DOWNLOAD SENT: "R.H."
DOWNLOAD RECEIVED: "R.H."
CORRUPTING INPUT DEVICE…
CORRUPTION COMPLETE.
Gordon's heart was pounding in his ears.
He heard a door open.
"Dr. Freeman?"
He turned to the speaker, wide-eyed.
It was Mossman.
"Good heavens!" she said, placing her hand to her heart in poised astonishment. "When did you come in here? I was only gone for a minute or two, I thought I saw someone in a suit and I went to check - ah, I must not be getting enough sleep…ha, ha…eh…"
She saw what Freeman was looking at.
"Oh…" she said, her eyes widening too. "Eh…what…eh, what is that…on the computer…?"
"You tell me," Freeman said quietly.
Mossman was pale as a sheet. "Doctor…you really shouldn't have…"
"What is going on?" Freeman asked quietly.
The computer's light flashed over his glasses. His eyes were hawkish behind them. Half of his face was light with orange-red light, the other in harsh florescence, as though he were wearing an opera masquerade.
Then another voice came from behind Mossman.
"Judith? Is the download finished? There's no need to be so anxious, honey; everyone knows the lab is off-limits at this hour -"
It was Eli. He had come through the door behind Mossman. Now he halted at the sight of Freeman.
"- except Gordon," Eli finished, almost sarcastically, "who has been calming down in his room."
Gordon straightened his back. "You selling secrets to the Russians, guys?" he said, his voice beginning to drip with venom.
"Will you let me explain?" Eli asked.
"No."
Freeman bolted.
"Gordon! Gordon!".
But Freeman was already out into the hallway, sprinting for his life. He followed the very path he and Alyx had followed the other day. Eli continued to call out behind him.
Have to tell Alyx…have to tell Alyx…
He rounded a corner - there was the elevator - it was already opened, ready to receive him - but someone was already inside -
The government man.
No time to think about it. Gordon ran into the elevator, nearly slamming against the far wall.
"Going up?" The G-man asked, smiling, and pushed for the second floor.
The doors slid shut. The elevator began rising.
Gordon stood, his back to the wall, away from the G-man, who was busy compulsively straightening his tie.
"Not that it's my business," he said in his raspy, apneic voice, "but you…are really too hard on poor Eli."
The elevator light was stark on his old skin; it filled his sallow cheeks and highlighted his sharp edges, making him look even more like a skull.
"Are you going to shoot at me again?" the G-man queried.
"No."
"Well, then…I'll deliver my message. Or rather, warning; there has been a slight change…of schedule. I apologize: I had planned originally for matters to progress…more naturally, but unforeseen circumstances have required that I…improvise."
Gordon said nothing.
"I will have your suit moved to a more…accessible location. Room 230, on the approaching floor, but it will not arrive until…after…you speak with Alyx. And I will see what I might do about…aiding your course."
"Could you be vaguer, please?" Gordon snapped.
"As I said to you…before," the government man replied, "it will all make sense to you, as you move forward."
The G-man's gaze lingered for a moment on Gordon's closed notebook, still gripped tightly in his hand.
"Don't read my diary," Gordon said. "I wrote some unflattering things about you."
The G-man smiled. "Oh, I already know what you're up to in there, Dr. Freeman." His eyes dipped into the shadows of his face, and gleamed out of them liked distant stars. "It won't work."
The elevator arrived. The doors opened.
"The combination to her room is 110209," the G-man added.
Gordon blinked.
The G-man was gone.
Down the passages; the lights were already on: Alyx had been through here already, or she had never left. Perhaps she was asleep in the cave - the thought was eerie to Freeman: sleeping in such an open, silent space, underground…
He passed the black throat to Ravenholm…Raven Holm…R.H…but no time to think, might be coincidence, he needed to meet with Alyx. She could make sense of this; she could know what to do with the information.
Right?
He was at the airlock door. The combination pad was to his right. Was there a way to knock? Or tell her he was coming in? Does she change clothes in there? Does it really matter?
After a moment, his anxiety pushed him to act anyway: 110209…
The doors opened.
It was still lit inside.
"Alyx," Gordon was about to say -
But there she already was.
She was surrounded by destruction.
All of her shelves of trinkets and trophies, her desks and work tables, and a number of salvaged appliances besides, were irreparably shattered on the ground around her. What was wood was splintered, and the splinters scattered. What was metal was dented and bent and thrown meters away. A microwave, a television, and an old radio had been dashed to pieces against the stone floor. The trinkets were all crushed underfoot and smeared about by the heel. And what had served as her bed was torn to shreds: the stuffing was everywhere like wool of a dismembered lamb, the blankets ripped by the seams and thrown helter-skelter.
Just as the door opened, its sound was muffled by Alyx's primal scream -
- as she threw down a metal file cabinet from over her head.
It made a cacophony against the floor, vibrating all over as it hopped a time or two away from her, scraping the stone. She did not let it rest, but kicked it with her heel, shoving it forwards into a pile of junk against the wall, which toppled over onto it with even more noise. Unsatisfied, she threw herself on the fallen pile, throwing the objects against the ground as hard and as quickly as she could, continually screaming and hollering in shuddering rage. Dog was in the farthest corner that Gordon could see, peering out from between two large bins, apparently cautious…afraid.
Just as she was about to hurl another lamp, she saw Gordon.
The lamp fell from her hands, smashing and clanging behind her.
"How…did you…get IN," she snarled.
It was not a question, and Gordon did not answer. Her anger stabbed him through the heart. He felt almost warm in the chest, as though he were internally bleeding. He may even have grasped a bit at his chest, as he stood there in the doorway, surveying the damage with incomprehension.
After a moment or two, he could not stop himself from saying, "I guess this is what you meant by 'mad'."
In response, Alyx screamed, and kicked at the pile of junk. Gordon leaped an inch into the air, and felt something choke in his throat. His heart was pounding in his ears. Meanwhile, she had screamed again, apparently in pain; she clutched at her injured foot and strained knee, and fell onto the ground.
She curled up into a ball. Her body heaved with wet sobs.
A horrible little thought came into Freeman's mind -
Just leave her.
And he responded: Shut up.
You can't fix this.
I don't care.
You'll only make it worse.
I don't care.
You probably are what caused this anyway.
Irrelevant.
Salty waves of sadness rolled through him, like the Pacific surf. But also fear - blood-red fear, clogging his throat, making his eyes almost water.
What do I…what do…what do I do?
Carefully, slowly, he knelt down beside her. She did not react.
He thought for a few seconds. He felt caged with a tiger. But nevertheless: slowly and awkwardly, he draped himself over her body like a blanket, wrapping his arms about her waist, and resting his head against her upturned shoulder.
She is so soft.
Shut up.
Alyx's sobbing hesitated.
Silence.
"What," she asked, through a dripping nose, "what are you d-doing?"
"I'm trying to hug you," he replied honestly, "but you're at a weird angle."
Silence, except for a sob or two.
"Is it working? Do you feel better?" he asked.
"Oh, s-shut up."
"Okay."
Slowly she raised herself up. Gordon began to let go, but her hands took his, and kept them around her. Together, they readjusted their position: now they were both sitting up, their backs against the junk wall, with Alyx leaning into Gordon's willing embrace, half-burying her face into his chest, which she began staining with tears and snot.
"I d-didn't want you…to…s-see me like this…" she choked out, "I d-didn't want you t-to see me b-broken…I t-thought I could start a b-blank slate…"
Gordon thought, Please, please, please, don't mess this up, Gordon. Don't mess this up. What do I do, though? What do I not do? He held her a little tighter, as though they were hanging over a cliff together, and he was assuring her, Don't worry, I've got you.
She continued, "Everybody h-here is afraid…of m-me…D-Dad is afraid of m-me…M-Mossman t-too…I've k-killed so many p-people t-to protect…D-Dad and…n-no one wants t-to talk to me because…I g-get so angry…I w-would get into fights…B-but I thought I…I thought I could start over w-with…you…b-because y-you d-didn't know…"
She was sobbing again.
"I w-would get into fights as a t-teenager…around here…with other survivors…I d-don't know, I was just so g-good at it…I w-wanted Dad to p-pay attention…I w-was such a brat…I was a selfish manipulative brat…and I hit someone s-so hard they hit their head on the floor and…they d-didn't…they d-didn't m-make it…"
Sobbing.
"N-no one w-wanted t-to t-talk t-to m-me then…I w-went and killed in the f-field instead; I h-hate coming home…M-Mossman thinks I'm a m-monster…I'm a m-monster…Everyone hates m-me…and they s-should…now you're afraid of me too…and you should hate me…I j-just wanted you to like m-me, that's why I helped you I just wanted you to like me and pretend it all never happened…oh god…oh god, oh god…"
Sobbing.
Gordon wanted to run away.
He wanted to be back in his room, with his equations, and no people around.
It was a familiar feeling.
He looked down at her face. Her eyes were closed tight, her cheeks flush from the strain.
She needs an anchor, Gordon thought. My sick leave is up.
But I can't handle this.
Yes you can. You're Gordon Freeman.
That means nothing.
It does to everyone else. They can't all be wrong.
Gordon kept staring at her face, at her pain.
And then, from an honest kernel of his soul, he simply said, "I don't really care about all that."
Her eyes opened, and looked up at him. He couldn't tell if they were angry, or if that was just the angle.
He continued, "I mean, it's actually kind of fascinating: how much I really don't care. I mean, I probably should care, right? But I guess I care about you, more than whatever you've done."
He paused.
"So, seriously, let all the skeletons out of the closet. Are there any more? Cause I won't flinch. You already convinced me that you're awesome so -"
Alyx was sobbing again, even harder now.
"- uh -" he wasn't sure if this was good crying or bad crying, and he was afraid to ask. But something warm and hot was rising from his heart - it was an unfamiliar feeling. Something more than just gut reaction, fear, or anger - tears were starting to run down his cheeks too - He was remembering that first night, when she came and comforted him, and told him how much she admired him…
"Alyx," he said, almost without thinking, "You've saved me, not just my life but…I probably would have gone crazy in this sick new world, without you. But you've kept being there. You went through the teleporter before me - you knew just what to do. I wasn't afraid after that. You know that, right? I was brave after that."
Her hands clasped him tighter; she leaned closer into his chest - shivers ran up his spine -
"And…you talked with me when Arlene died…you knew what to say…you made me drink water…I dunno…I don't care if you think you did all that stuff for selfish reasons. You still did it to me, for me. And anyway, you're wrong if you think you're selfish. I don't buy that. You're good."
Her eyes were open, red and swollen from tears. She looked up at him - the look in her eyes…another shiver up his spine as they kept eye contact.
Oh, that's what they mean when they say: they get lost in each other's eyes…
He choked on his words a little. "You're good. You're great. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here, to help you like you helped me -"
Suddenly, she reached her hand up to grasp the back of his head - he jumped a little at the motion - but just as suddenly, she had pulled their faces together and -
OH, he thought. HELLO THERE.
Her lips were pressed firmly, almost longingly, into his, settling upon his bottom lip for a few seconds. His mind was on fire. An electric spark had shot through his brain and caught the curtains ablaze. Goosebumps raced over every inch of his skin, his heart was pounding louder and fuller than a bass drum.
She pulled slowly away at first - but then rather abruptly parted, quickly disentangling herself from his embrace. She looked almost mortified.
"I'm," she stuttered, "I am so sorry - I just…I…"
As always, Gordon was not sure what to say. He reached up compulsively to touch where she had kissed him - his lip was warm and wet and felt almost numb - "It's really…quite fine…I'm fine…" he managed, somewhat in a daze.
"I just - got very emotional - got caught up in the -"
"Completely understandable; it truly isn't a problem -"
"You just…you weren't…kissing back or anything…ah jeez…"
"No, no, no - don't feel bad, I just didn't know what to do - first time and all -"
"First time?" she commented, incredulous.
"Uh…yes."
"But…you lived before the citadel - Oh, I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to assume…I must sound like a - ah jeez…"
"It's perfectly fine. It was very pleasant. Er…I mean…"
"I just…got carried away," she continued. "I really am sorry, I didn't mean to - you just were…just, thank you. You're very good. Good at therapy. That sounds weird but…"
They stared at each other for a few moments.
"I guess you bring it out of me," he said, and smiled. "I'm just glad to see you not be miserable."
She chuckled, breathing deeply. She looked…safer. A tension was loosening a bit in her chest. Some more tears came out, but they were calmer.
But then he remembered why he had come to her in the first place.
…Do I tell her…? Now…?
"Alyx…" he began uncertainly -
- budump, budump, budump, buDump, BuDump, BUDUMP BUDUMP
Suddenly Dog was upon them, slamming his fists upon the ground in apparent agitation.
"What? Dog, what is it?" Alyx said, startled.
Dog let out a piercing, mechanical squeal, and several loud warbles.
"Dog, I don't…the ground? Something in the ground?"
Dog was sticking his petal-head towards the stone floor, as if listening. Alyx placed her head to the floor too.
"Dog, I don't…"
But slowly her eyes widened.
"What is it?" Gordon asked. But Alyx did not answer. She jumped to her feet and began feverishly sorting through the shattered junk around her. As she did, she said to Gordon, "Get the gravity gun."
"Where?"
"Back where I first pulled it out. The case is unlocked."
As he retrieved it, Alyx gave a sigh of relief: she had found what she was looking for and it was not damaged. It was some kind of radio. "Hello? This is Alyx Vance, calling level one surveillance. I have possible signals of a breach. Rhythmic vibrations beneath Storage B - my room. Is anyone checking the seismometer? Hello? Is literally anyone there?!"
Gordon hefted the gravity gun into position and returned to Alyx's side. He looked at Dog, who stared back with his expressionless, cycloptic eye.
"Hello?" Alyx demanded. Gordon was beginning to fear she would throw the thing down in anger. "Possible sign of breach; I repeat: possible sign of breach! This is Alyx Vance -"
"Alyx Vance? Zis is Belair. Vibrations, you say?"
Alyx sighed again. "Yes. Beneath Storage B. Every six seconds with jutters in between. Can you get a reading?"
"Ah…hold on…it looks normal - vait - every six seconds…"
But Gordon was thinking. …there has been a slight change…of schedule…
"Zis reading is too low to be sure, but zhe…eh…let me run a Mikuscan -"
"Tell them to sound the alarms," Gordon interrupted.
Alyx looked at him, wide-eyed.
"Please, Alyx. Something is going to happen."
She blinked. "How…are you just being intuitive…?"
"Who is zat zhere?" said the radio. "I heard anozer voice…?"
"This is Gordon Freeman," he declared. "Sound the alarms. Begin evacuating everyone."
"Gordon Freeman?" said the radio. "I…vhat? Sir, ve get vibrations like zis all zhe time. Our equipment is very sensitive, and zhere are large vorms in the ground -"
"It's not a worm," Gordon said. Then, to Alyx, "I'm going to get changed. Come with? Or meet me elsewhere?"
Alyx just stared. "Gordon, my mind is still buzzing. I'm not completely with it, okay? I'm not following what you mean."
"I'm going to get my H.E.V. suit. And change into it."
"…uh, okay…? But it's down on level six; the Vortigaunts are performing tests -"
"No, it is in Room 230."
"What do you mean it's in -"
"Do you still need me on zhe line -?"
DOON.
A crack of thunder from underneath their feet - and the lights flickered out.
The radio fizzled, snapped, and went dead.
"Belair…?" Alyx nearly shouted. "Belair, come in?"
It was pitch black. The only light was Dog's eye, like a little bioluminescent deep fish.
There was a steady rhythm, growing more and more powerful beneath their feet.
"Dog, flashlight."
Dog's eye dilated, and the light intensified, making a strong, but somewhat narrow beam to see by. He aimed the light on Alyx, who, rather to Gordon's surprise, had drawn a handgun from her jacket's inner pocket. "Room 230. Let's go," she said.
Down the hall, past the passage to Ravenholm -
I can't tell her now. But when? How?
Out in the main corridor, emergency power had kicked in, granting them sparse lighting. A number of fellow survivors, armed with guns, were running through the hallways. They all made way for Dog, as Alyx began shouting - "Get to level one, people! Get to surveillance, get all alarms going!"
Hardly was it out of her mouth when, throughout the building echoed -
"Alert…alert…incoming breach detected. Red and Blue detachments report to level one. Green and Yellow, report to level four. Surface and subterranean breaches incoming. Alert…alert…"
DOON.
All lights flickered off again, causing everyone to gasp and shout fearfully. The intercom was silenced -
Gordon was racing after Alyx, down the corridors, past the confused souls -
The lights came on once again, the alert picking up midsentence:
"- and subterranean breaches incoming. Alert…alert…incoming breach -"
They were at Room 230.
"Why would it be here?" Alyx asked. Gordon did not answer, but thrust open the door. Inside was a chaos of more storage...there were metal cases and open crates everywhere…
DOON.
Everything went black - except a little circle of light in the corner: the H.E.V. chest flashlight.
Gordon rushed to it, and as the lights flickered back on, he hurriedly began strapping and assembling the suit around him.
In the background, Alyx had managed to get the radio working again. She was contacting someone else -
"Dad? Dad? It's Alyx, it's Alyx, do you read?!"
"Alyx!" came Eli's voice. "Oh, Alyx…"
"Are you alright? You guys are getting the alarms too?"
"Yes, yes - where are you Alyx?"
"We're in Room 230, Storage D auxiliary…"
"Is Gordon with you?"
"He's right here. He's found the H.E.V. suit, somehow…"
"He's found the…what? Never mind - this is good! This is very good! I want you two to -"
DOON.
Gordon could not see what happened, but he heard Alyx cursing a hurricane in the darkness. Meanwhile, Dog clamored on top of some boxes, two of which were crushed by his weight. But from this higher point, he could shine his light on Gordon like a spotlight. "Good Dog," Gordon said.
bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang
Gordon's heart stopped.
The lights flickered back on. "- ckkckzzckAlyxAlyx do you read me? Alyx?"
From somewhere, deeper in the facility - bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang
Alyx shut the door to Room 230. She, Dog and Gordon were silent inside.
"I read you," she replied. "Dad, there is gunfire. They're already through. I don't know how but they're already through…"
"Sweetie…I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"
"Dad, shut up. We're going to come down and get you. Tell us where you are."
"No - sweetie, I need you to do something for me. Please."
"You…what? You need…?"
"You need to go to Ravenholm -"
DOON.
bangbangbangbangbangbangbangbang
bangbangBANGbangbangBANGbangbang
bangbangbangbangbangbangbangBANG
"Gordon!" Alyx shouted.
"I'm halfway done," he replied.
"How did you know the hazard suit would be here?"
"Some creepy old guy from the government told me."
"That isn't funny right now, Gordon; you may not have noticed, but I'm not emotionally stable at the moment -"
"Fine. Mossman told me."
BANG BANG BANG.
bangbangbangBANGbangbang
The lights flickered back on.
"Alyx! Are you there?!"
"Yes! Why Ravenholm?"
"You have to trust me! Please, Alyx - you and Gordon need to go there now! Take Dog with you -!"
"Dog!" Alyx immediately shouted. "Go to level five and find Dad! Protect him!"
"Alyx! No!"
"Shut up!" Alyx almost screamed. "Shut up and just let me help you! Dog! Go!"
Dog was already out the door -
"Alyx, I need him to protect -"
"Why Ravenholm? Dad, please, just for once in your life tell me why?!"
BANGBANGbangbangbangbangBANG
Gordon was two-thirds done -
"Sweetie," Eli said, choking up, "I'm so proud of you. You have done so much - promise me you'll do this last thing, and find Chekov in Ravenholm."
…
"I promise," Alyx said.
"Godspeed sweetie. You're a flawless hacker. Go see for yourself -"
DOON.
"Dad…" Alyx said, in the darkness - but there were a few shaking lights from the hallway that lit the side of her face, the sound of Combine radios -
BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG
Gordon saw Alyx collapse backwards.
He was done.
"Preparing to sweep the room," radioed one of the guards. "Room 230 -"
Gordon looked for a weapon. His H.E.V. flashlight swept the floor. The gravity gun? No, he wasn't practiced enough, he couldn't mess this up -
"I think we hit the girl. She's behind a wall - ready to storm -"
Crowbar.
"Hold - now on my mark - three, two -"
The Combine soldier did not get a chance to finish. For just as they were about to turn into the room, a metal crowbar swung out and crushed the front of their face.
"What the -"
CRACK, CRUNCH, BANG -
One's head cracked against the wall, another's helmet was dented in, crunching the cranium. But there was a gunshot too, and Gordon wasn't sure from where -
The lights flickered on again.
Four fallen Combine soldiers in the hallway. One of them was shot through the eye. Gordon turned around -
There was Alyx, in the doorway, gun smoking. Her right leg was bleeding severely, and there were gashes in her side. She was leaned against the doorpost for support, but her gaze was cold and steady.
"Ravenholm?" Gordon asked.
"Ravenholm," she confirmed.