CHAPTER 4

"Why the hell didn't you tell me he was still alive?!" Matt bellowed, throwing his car keys across the hall onto the entry hall table and making a loud clanging noise as they hit the glossy wood top. There was a fire in his eyes like I had never seen before. We had driven home in complete silence with Matt driving like a maniac the entire way.

"Because of this, Matt. Exactly this. Audra told me months ago and I made it clear that I didn't want to see him. When she stopped calling, I figured she had gotten the message," I said.

"Well, apparently he didn't get the goddamn message! Where the hell has he been all these years?"

"I don't know, Matt. I didn't ask for any details. I was in shock, for Christ's sake!"

"How the fuck do you think I feel, Maddy?! The sonofabitch still thinks you're his wife!" said Matt.

"Matt, calm down. We both know whose wife I am. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"Don't tell me to calm down, Maddy! My wife's first husband shows up out of the blue after being dead for fourteen, fifteen years and I'm supposed to be calm?! No fucking way that's happening," said Matt. He was pacing back and forth across the living room like a caged lion who was ready to kill the minute he was let loose.

"I don't know what to say except that I'm as shocked and confused as you are, Matt. I don't know why he would come here," I said.

"I do...to take you back to Texas with him."

"Don't be ridiculous. That's not going to happen and you know it."

"Do I really, Maddy? You were his wife once. He's probably still in love with you. You have a child together, for Christ's sake! How do I know he hasn't come here to claim that all back?!"

"You're not even making sense, Matt!" I shouted.

"The hell I'm not! I'll bet he thinks he's gonna pick up right where he and you left off!"

"How in God's name do you know what he's thinking?! You don't even know him! Jesus, Matt. It's obvious that I need to talk to him, find out why the hell he's here so..." before I could finish the sentence, Matt interrupted me.

"Like hell you will! I forbid you to see him, Maddy! End of story!" He stood there with his hands on his hips, his eyes wild with anger. I took a deep breath in and blew it out steadily and slowly while choosing my words carefully.

"Did you actually just say that you forbid me, Matthew Casey? Uhh, that's not how we handle things in this relationship," I said, feeling my anger start to rise.

"Well, that's how I'm handling this. Why the fuck would you want to see him anyway?!"

"To find out what he wants, for one. To find out what happened in Iraq, for another. Jesus, Matthew...can't you understand that much?"

"No, Maddy...I can't. That part of your life is over and done with. It means nothing to us now."

"You're right, it doesn't mean anything to us, but did you ever stop to think that it just might mean something to him? He lost just as much as I did back then, Matt...probably even more. Maybe all he wants is closure. He's owed that much, if nothing else. I owe it to myself too."

He stood there with his hands still on his hips with an angry, defiant air about him. His chest was heaving and his face was bright red. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair.

"In the four years we've been married, we've had our share of ups and downs, but this...this is a hurdle that I'm not sure we can handle. I'm just being honest."

"Well, if it's honesty you want, then by all means, let the gloves come off! This is a hurdle that you can't handle, Matthew. No one else. The truth is that you can't deal with the fact that I had a life after you disappeared instead of just sitting around mooning for you." I spat the words out like they were snake venom and pointed in his direction for the full effect.

"That's not fair, Maddy and you know it. I had no control over what happened to me after my father was murdered and my mother went to jail. I was a kid, for Christ's sake!"

"I realize that, but what about when you turned twenty-one, Matt? What happened then? Did you come look for me? Did you even bother to contact my parents? No, you didn't. You came back to Chicago and started a new life with someone else. I had no idea where you were or what you were thinking or what had happened to you. You broke my heart, Matthew. I spent three years living my life in the shadow of your memory, paralyzed with grief and unable to move forward. Jace changed all of that. I remember very little about his and my life together, but I do remember feeling like I had finally come out of the dark. I was happy for the first time in a long time and I grabbed onto that feeling with both hands, swearing I would never let it go. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe Jace can't move on for the same reasons?" I said, tears streaming down my face. Matt slowly walked towards me, his head turned down to the floor until he was in front of me. He lifted his face up, looking directly at me.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Maddy. I was a stupid kid. I thought you'd want nothing to do with the son of a murderer, so I didn't dare contact you. Your mother was never my biggest fan to begin with, so I thought it was for the best. It wasn't because I had stopped loving you. I have loved you every day since the day we first met on West Beach," he said, tears rolling down his own face now. His tone was conciliatory, but at least he seemed to understand what I had gone through all those years ago. Even though we had been married for four years, we never really talked about what happened back then. Maybe it was better left unsaid, at least up until now. The circumstances that were in front of us almost demanded it.

"If Jace contacts me and wants to talk, I'm going to see him. You can be angry at me all you want, but this is something I have to do," I said, standing my ground. Whether Matt approved of this or he didn't, his feelings had no bearing on my decision.

"I don't want to lose you," he said, shaking his head.

"Do you really think that I value our marriage so little that I would actually let that happen?"

"I don't know what to think right now," he said, sounding defeated.

"I know this is a lot to take in. It is for me too. I didn't want to tell you because I was only trying to spare you the heartache you're feeling now. Please believe that," I said, wiping away the tears on my cheeks with the back of my hand. He pulled me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

"I do," he said softly.

"I love you, Matt. Nothing will ever change that," I said. He hugged me a little tighter and kissed the top of my head, but said nothing. I laid my head against his chest and could hear his heart beating rapidly underneath my ear. Finding out that Jace was alive had been a huge blow and I could sense his fear, even though he was doing his best to deny it. The truth was that I was scared too.

Matt took my hand in his and led me upstairs into our bedroom. We got ready for bed, neither one of us speaking a single word to each other. Matt got into bed as I finished brushing my teeth and washing my face. I clicked the bathroom light off, then climbed into bed next to him. He had his back turned to me, so instead of trying to snuggle up to him, I rolled over and shut off the bedside lamp. We both laid there in the dark silence, not touching or talking for several minutes, until Matt finally spoke.

"Maddy?" he said, softly.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Look at me." I turned over to see him facing me and leaning on his left arm.

"What, Matt?" He said nothing as he took me in his arms and pulled me in close to him. His mouth found mine in the darkness of the room, kissing me deeply. I held onto his shoulders and returned his kiss with equal passion. He maneuvered himself until he was laying between my legs, his mouth never leaving mine, except to put on a condom. He made love to me with an urgency I hadn't felt since we first found each other after so many years apart. When we were finished, he rolled over onto his back and pulled me up to his side. I snuggled in close, laying my head under his arm and draping my left hand across his torso. I could hear the soft rhythm of his breathing as we both drifted off to sleep.

"I love you too," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. I squeezed him tight, burying my face into the side of his chest and softly wept before falling into a restless sleep.