CHAPTER 8
I pulled into the parking garage that was adjacent to The Langham Hotel about fifteen minutes before noon. I shut off the car and drew a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself. My heart was pounding loud in my ears. My head told me to relax. After all, I had been married to this man at one time. My heart told me something else entirely. I had been dead set against seeing him when Audra first told me he was alive. Now, I had done a complete about face and I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Matt by coming here. Matt and I had faced a lot of adversity over the years and here I was, adding to it. My feminist sensibilities told me to buck up and face this head on and that Matt's approval wasn't needed. The loving wife in me told me that this was going to hurt my husband, no matter how it was handled. Either way, I felt that this was a necessary evil for everyone involved.
I dropped my car keys into my purse and walked through the parking garage and down the staircase that led to the entrance of the hotel. The lobby was bright and starkly decorated in tones of chrome, grey and purple, with simple streamlined furniture and fixtures. It looked more like a fancy hospital than a luxury hotel. My heels made a loud clicking sound as I walked to the front desk, which made everyone in the immediate area turn to look at me, as if I wasn't already self-conscious enough.
"I'm here to see Jackson Walker," I said to the desk clerk standing behind the large marble desk.
"Yes, ma'am," she said as she clicked on her keyboard and fixed her eyes on the large computer screen in front of her. "He's in Suite 8179 on the eighth floor. You'll need this to operate the elevator," she said, sliding a key card across the top of the desk. " Who may I say is calling on Mr. Walker?" he asked.
"Madeleine Casey. Mr. Walker is expecting me," I said. I took the key card and walked carefully to the bank of elevators just behind me. The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside and inserted the special key card. When the doors closed, I pushed the number 8 for the eighth floor, Immediately, the elevator car zoomed upwards, knocking me slightly off balance. By the time the elevator had reached its destination, I had managed to compose myself. The doors opened to reveal a long hallway carpeted with a purple and grey rug. Overhead were several large crystal chandeliers hanging from an oddly ornate ceiling. It gave me the impression that the hotel's renovations had stopped just short of the ceiling tiles. As I walked down the hall, I was careful to look at the numbers on each door until I came to Suite 8179. My heart was beating as rapid as a baby bird's as I pushed the buzzer on the wall next to the door. I could hear movement inside the suite and I held my breath, waiting for Jace to open the door.
"Madeleine. I'm so glad you could make it. Please, come in," said Jace. He looked completely different than he did the night I first saw him at The Roadhouse. He was dressed in a pair of dark blue denim jeans and a stark white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His long, wavy hair hung loosely down his back and over his shoulders. The most obvious difference being that he was standing on two feet, without the use of crutches. I stepped inside and turned to watch him as he closed the door. He walked with an obvious limp as he turned around and headed towards me. He must have sensed my confusion because he bent down and pulled up his left pant leg to reveal a prosthetic leg.
"No, it didn't grow back, if that's what you're thinkin'. I wasn't wearin' it the other night. It's made of titanium, strongest steel around," he said, letting his jeans back down.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" I said, feeling a blush come to my cheeks. "It's okay, Cookie. No offense taken. Can I get you a drink? Water or maybe you want somethin' stronger?" he asked. His blue eyes shone brightly in comparison to his dark complexion and they looked like they could burn a hole right through me.
"Water's fine," I said. He put one hand on the small of my back and held up his other arm in front him, motioning for me to walk with him into the living area. "Make yourself comfortable," he said, while he poured two glasses of ice water at the bar. I sat on one side of the long, sleek couch that adorned the living room. Jace walked from the small wet bar and around the couch until he was standing in front of me, holding out one of the glasses of water to me. I took the glass from his hand, then he sat down next to me.
"Goddamn, Cook. It's so good to see you. There was a time that I thought I'd never see your pretty face again," he said, his eyes scanning my face. I smiled but said nothing as I took a sip of water. "It was the image of your face that got me through all those years that I was lost over there. It means a lot to me that you came here today," he said, suddenly looking down at the floor.
"To tell you the truth, when Audra told me that you were alive, I didn't want to see you. I didn't think it was a good idea, dredging up the past. Then when I saw you at The Roadhouse the other night, I changed my mind," I said, my voice sounding slightly shaky.
"What made you do that?" he asked. I felt a small rush of anger, recalling how Matthew had acted that night.
"If I'm being honest, it was my husband's reaction over the whole thing," I said, looking down and running my finger around the edge of my glass of water.
"I'm sure he was none too pleased," said Jace. I thought I detected the slightest hint of a smirk on his face. "I sure as hell would know how I'd feel if I were in his place."
"He actually forbid me to see you, as if that would stop me once my mind was made up," I said.
"You always were a feisty little filly," he said, his face softening at a memory that was completely unknown to me.
"I told him that I owed it to you and to myself to find out what happened all those years ago, that we both deserved to know so that we could have some closure," I said, looking directly at him. There was a remote familiarity about his face now, especially since the prominent scar on his left eyebrow was more noticeable in the light of day.
"Yeah, closure...right," he said, shaking his head in an exaggerated manner. I wasn't sure if he was agreeing with me or not. "We definitely got a lot of talkin' to do, Cookie," he said. A soft smile crossed his face as he spoke. The features of his face that seemed so dark and menacing that first night I saw him now seemed more rugged and congenial in the bright light of the afternoon. There was so much I wanted to ask him and at the same time, I was terrified of what he might tell me. Most of the memories from that time of my life were hazy, confined to a few photographs in a shoe box at my parent's house or they were gone completely.
"Yeah, we do. I only hope you won't be too disappointed if I can't help you fill in all the blanks," I said. I felt a tremendous rush of guilt thinking about all the things we may have gone through that had been erased from my memory. He deserved to know every detail of what transpired from the time he left for Iraq, right up until he returned to Texas. I wasn't confident that I could be of much help to him.
"I don't think you could ever disappoint me," he said, his baritone voice softening. He reached over and gripped my hand in his, squeezing it gently.
"How did you find me? I mean, at least that night at The Roadhouse. How did you know I'd be there?" I asked.
"If I'm the one being honest now, it's because I'd been followin' you for a few days," he said, in a matter of fact tone. "Audra gave me your office phone number and home address...but don't be mad at her. I pressed her pretty hard. I wanted to see you real bad," he said.
"I'm not mad, but it was a hell of a shock seeing you there," I said.
"But the moment you recognized me, your face softened. You looked at me the way you used to, like old times," he replied.
"How's the rest of your family?" I said, clearing my throat and quickly changing the subject. He was speaking from a place where his memories of us were kept and the quiet desperation in his voice made me feel uncomfortable. I had no real connection to this man except for a recent familiarity to his face and a few blurry images from our life together.
"Momma still lives at North Star, but Daddy died about six years ago," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said, even though I didn't really remember his parents.
"Momma is near eighty now. Her mind ain't what it used to be since Daddy's death. It hit her pretty hard. Kent is still Kent, bouncin' from woman to woman and livin' off the inheritance that Daddy left him. What about your Mom and Dad? How are they?" said Jace.
"Mom died about ten years ago. Cancer," I said, looking down at my glass of water. "I'm sorry, Cook," he said. "And your Dad?"
"He suffered a second heart attack around five years ago, but he's doing well now. Still living alone in the house I grew up in. He's been retired from the city for almost ten years now. Still tough as nails, but he's a big softie on the inside, especially when it comes to Finn," I said.
"Finn?" he asked.
"Matt's and my son. He'll be two next month," I said, doing my best not to look at him. I heard him clear his throat, like he was trying to clear it from his emotions, so I changed the subject again. "Does your Mom have someone to care for her? She must have if she's still at home."
"Audra and Junior are still livin' with Momma at the ranch. They help care for her with the aid of a twenty-four hour nurse I hired. They're raisin' our girl as theirs, but you already knew that," he said, pulling out his phone from the pocket of his jeans. He scrolled through a few pictures until he stopped and turned the phone towards me. On the screen was a picture of a young girl with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes. I could tell right away that it was Harper, our daughter. I had never seen her until now and was struck by how much she looked like both Jace and me. I began to weep.
"She looks just like you, Cook," he said.
"That's the first picture I've ever seen of her. Audra tried to show me once, but I refused, thinking it wasn't such a good idea for me to see her. Christ, Jace...I wish you hadn't…" I said, choking on my tears.
"Awww, Christ, I'm sorry, baby. I just assumed...shit, I should have thought. She doesn't know I'm her father, of course. I'm just funny Uncle Jackson with the gimp leg," he said, tucking his phone into his back pocket.
"You saved her life. Surely, she must know that," I said, taking a tissue from the box that was on the table in front of me and dabbing my eyes.
"She doesn't because Audra and Junior don't want her to know she's not their biological daughter. She loves me, but it ain't the same," he said, his own voice cracking now.
"Audra and Junior have taken good care of her. They've given her a good life, Jace," I said.
"I know, it's just that I feel like I've been robbed of somethin' that I had no control over," he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
"That's exactly how I felt when I found out she was still alive," I said, the flood of tears cascading down my cheeks growing stronger by the minute.
"They came to you, didn't they...for bone marrow?" he asked. I nodded that they had.
"They did. I flew down to Texas to do the procedure. Audra and Junior paid for everything...the trip, the hotel, my meals and all my medical expenses, but I wasn't able to help her," I said.
"What happened?" he asked.
"My pre-op labs revealed that I was pregnant, so I wasn't able to donate. Matt and I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no luck. We were separated at the time. I was happy that I was going to have a baby, but devastated that I couldn't help her" I said.
"You were separated?" he asked. I nodded my head.
"Yeah, he couldn't handle the news about my having been married to you and having a child. It made our struggle to have a baby and the difficulties between us seem that much worse. My trip to Texas turned out to be a blessing in disguise," I said.
"At least you got to keep your legacy," he said, suddenly standing up from the couch. "Mine was given away to someone else." He put his forefinger and his thumb up to his eyes, trying to stop his emotions from spilling over.
"Jace, please understand... I wasn't given the choice or even the opportunity to keep our little girl. I was an emotional wreck when I lost you. They did what they thought was best for me and Harper," I said, the tears coming hard and fast as I struggled to speak.
"Oh baby, I know that! I'm not blamin' you! Our parents made that decision for us and that's something I'll never forgive them for," he said, his eyes wet with tears. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me to him. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to his body. Instinctively, I put my arms around his waist and held onto him as we wept together. I felt a sudden affinity to this man as we held on to each other, something remotely comforting that unnerved me a little.
"Don't do this to yourself, Jace. Don't carry all this anger around. You have a whole life ahead of you now. There's still plenty of time for you to be a father," I said, trying to offer him some of the comfort that he had just shown me.
"That's a nice dream, Cookie, but the docs in Germany told me that all the shit I was exposed to left me...well, let's just say I'm shootin' nothin' but blanks now. So even if I was lucky to find the right woman, I can't make any more babies," he said. My heart broke in two as the words left his mouth. He had lost so much more than I would ever know.
"You can still be happy, Jace...even without children. If you find someone…" Jace cut me off before I could finish.
"I already found someone. She's the love of my life, but she belongs to somebody else now," he said, lifting my face up to his. He rubbed his thumb across my lips before leaning down towards mine. I quickly pulled out of his embrace and walked to the other side of the coffee table.
"Jesus, I'm sorry, Cookie. I didn't mean...Christ, It's just that I haven't seen or touched you in so long. Every day that I was in captivity in that fucking desert, it was the memories of you that kept me going...the taste of your lips, the smell of your skin, the way you looked at me, the way you loved me," he said, his voice trailing off.
"Tell me what happened over there. I still can't believe that you managed to survive all those years without anyone knowing," I said, quickly changing the subject again.
"It happened about ten days before I was due to come home. My buddy Nick Wallace and I were helping the Marines to clear houses and other buildings in Fallujah. I remember it was ungodly hot that day, over a hundred degrees, and we were dressed in full gear. We were both sweatin' buckets when we came across a rooftop pool in one of the abandoned buildings in the city. We threw caution to the wind, stripped down to our skivvies and jumped in. It was all fun and games until we heard a ruckus going on somewhere down below. Our squad had run into a group of insurgents, about ten of 'em that broke away from the Iraqi military and were taking matters into their own hands. We had encountered these kind of revolutionaries before all throughout the area and we knew that they were all batshit crazy. So Nick and I scrambled out of the pool to help. Before we were fully dressed and could grab our weapons, several of them had reached the roof. Long story short, their ambush had been so exact that they killed the men in our squad and took me and Nick as collateral, sort of like bargaining tools with the US military. They handcuffed and blindfolded us before throwing us in to the back of their truck and drove us to their outpost in the desert.
"They threw us in a dank little crawl space for several days with no more contact, until one day when the leader of the group came in to tell us exactly what they wanted from us and how they were going to get it," said Jace, his voice trailing off. My heart was breaking for him. Tears were streaming down both of our faces. Instinctively, I reached out and grabbed his hand.. He laced his fingers through mine and held tight.
"You don't have to say anymore if you don't want to," I said.
"No, Cook...I want to tell you everything. You deserve to know," he said. "Anyway, the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years. We endured various forms of torture almost everyday, the likes of which still cause me to have nightmares, so I'll spare you the details. I don't know how long we had been there when we finally found an opportunity to escape. The guard that had been assigned to us had fallen asleep, letting his weapon slide to the ground in front of him. We were both still handcuffed, but we managed to get the rifle and shoot him through the head without the others hearing. We searched his body and found the keys to the cuffs. Once our hands were free, we made a run for it. It was in the dead of the night and we ran out blindly into the dark, not knowing where we were or how far we'd have to go to find civilization. We were both exhausted, dehydrated and weak. It didn't take long for them to catch up to us. When they found us, Nick started firing the rifle, blowing through round after round. He took out two of their men before they retaliated, this time with a flamethrower. I watched my buddy burn to death." He drew a deep breath in and let it out slowly as he rubbed his eyes.
"Jesus," I said, taking my hands away from my mouth. I had been listening to his story, half in disbelief, half in horror.
"They took me back to their compound and took my leg as punishment. They kept calling me 'Wallace' and told me I'd never be able to run away again. I wasn't sure why they kept calling me by Nick's last name until one night I looked at my dog tags. They clearly read 'Nicholas Wallace'. When we got out of the pool on that rooftop that day, we must have put on the other's tags. That's why the Army reported me as dead."
"But didn't they do any DNA tests to confirm it was you? Look at dental records? Anything?" I asked, not fully believing what I had just heard. It was all a case of mistaken identity.
"There was nothin' left of him, Cookie. They just went by the only identifier he had on him," said Jace.
"The Army sent those tags to me, along with all your other personal effects," I said. "You remember that?" he asked, sounding surprised.
"Yes, I do. They're all in a shoe box in the closet of my old room in my father's house. If I'm being honest, I had a dream about you the night before Matt and I got married. You said you were coming back to me," I said.
"I'll be damned," said Jace. "When was that?"
"It will be four years ago in October," I said.
"Jesus, that was right around the time I was rescued. I spent the next two years at a hospital in Germany, who still thought I was Wallace. I was pretty sick at that point. Gangrene has set in and was in no condition to tell them who I was. I wasn't even sure of who I was. I was transferred to a rehab facility in Berlin and stayed there for sixteen months before being shipped stateside. It was there that they discovered that I was not Nick Wallace. That's also when I found out that you had left Texas and had remarried, " he said, keeping his face turned down towards the floor.
"If I had known that our baby had survived, I would have stayed in Texas. I would have had a piece of you and that would have been enough to make me strong. It kills me now, to think of what might have been if I hadn't been lied to and dragged back to Chicago, but it happened and I managed to make a life for myself. Matthew and I found each other again and we have a life together," I said.
"You were mine first, Cook" he said, defiantly.
"NO, Jace. I was his first and you know that," I said, feeling my anger rise slightly.
"You were just kids, for Christ's sake! It wasn't real love, not like we had," he said, raising his voice and letting me go.
"Maybe, but we have real love now, Jace. We're committed to each other," I said.
"You were committed to me once too, goddammit...but you walked away from me and the life that we built," he said.
"I didn't just walk away! I was told you were dead and after I lost the baby, I was despondent. I didn't want to live anymore. I tried to kill myself, for Christ's sake!. I spent months in the hospital having the memories of our life together burned out of my head. It was the only way I could have a chance at surviving and moving on. I'm sorry it happened, but I can't change it. The fact is that I don't remember what we had...I don't remember us." I said, still crying. He was standing in front of me, looking down at me with those beautiful, soulful blue eyes. He placed his hands on either side of my face, pulling it up towards his. He leaned down until his mouth was only centimeters from mine. I was powerless to move.
"Remember us, baby...please," he said before landing a soft, deep wet kiss on my mouth. The touch of his lips to mine sparked a memory that had been buried deep inside me, of the two of us kissing under a large wooden structure out in the middle of a field of wildflowers. I closed my eyes, trying to push the images away, but to no avail. He moved his hands down to my waist and the feel of his kiss on my lips and his body close to mine felt like I was coming home after being away for a long time. I held onto his shoulders as his mouth continued its assault on mine, until the image of us amongst the flowers quickly dissipated and was replaced by the image of Matt lying on the gurney in the ER. I pushed myself away from him and out of his arms.
"Don't," I said, feeling confused and ashamed of what I had let happen between us. Jace stood silent, his face flushed with passion and his chest heaving as if he was struggling for air.
"You remembered somethin', didn't you Cook? Just like the other night when you sang that song. Don't deny it. I can see it on your face," he said, sounding pleased with himself that he had rattled me to my core.
"I have to go," I stammered, feeling breathless and out of control. As I walked back towards the couch to get my purse, Jace caught my arm.
"Don't go, Cookie. Please. We still have so much more to say to each other. Please say you'll stay or at least that you'll come back another time. I'm not leavin' Chicago until you do." His voice was hushed and quietly pleading with me.
"Maybe, I don't know. I need to clear my head, to process all of this" I said, gently pulling out of his grip.
"I never meant for it to go this way, Cookie. Please believe that. I'm not the kind of guy that messes with another man's wife, you know that. It's just ...all that time we were apart, it was as if time stood still because I never stopped loving you. It's what helped me to survive out there. I still love you so fucking much…" he said, his voice cracking with emotion again.
"I really need to go now. I have to pick up Finn," I said, feeling even more confused as I moved towards the door.
"Can you tell me what you remembered before you go? Give me that much to hang on to," he said.
"It was an image of you and me, kissing in a field of blue wildflowers" I said without turning around. I couldn't look at him. His piercing blue eyes were too hypnotic. My hands were shaking and sweaty and my heart felt as if it would burst right out of my chest.
"Our weddin' day," he said softly.
"Yeah, that's what I thought it might be," I said, wiping my eyes with my hand. He followed me to the door of the suite, towering over me and looking at me with those damn blue eyes of his...eyes that I remembered clearly now.
"Can we talk again, Cookie? Please say yes."
"Yes," I said, pulling the door open. "Just give me a little time. Life is a little crazy right now. Maybe once Matt goes back to work…"
"Take as long as you need, baby. I ain't goin' nowhere," he said.
"Please don't call me 'baby'," I said.
"Sorry, Cook...force of habit. It's OK if I still call you 'Cookie', isn't it? That belongs to me and me only," he said. I nodded my head.
"Goodbye, Jace," I said, walking out the door and down the long hallway towards the elevator.
"Bye, Cook," he said, watching me as I walked away. When I got to the end of the hallway, I turned to look back at him. He was still standing in the doorway. The look on his face crushed my heart. I turned left at the end of the hall and dug through my purse looking for the key card. I inserted it in the slot in the wall and waited for the elevator to come to the eighth floor. When it did, I stepped inside and leaned against the back wall. My body felt as if I had run a marathon and my head was pounding.
When the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, I made a mad dash to the front desk to return the key card, then sprinted back to my car. I sat behind the wheel for a few minutes, trying to collect my thoughts, but my mind was racing in a thousand different directions. I wanted to help Jace put the pieces of his life together, but something deep inside me was frightened at the thought of seeing him again. I wasn't sure I could handle learning anything more about him or our life together, but the stark truth was that I had to in order to put that part of my past to rest and to give Jace the peace he deserved.
.