CHAPTER 14
"How's things between you and Casey these days?" asked Em, as she munched on a Hostess cupcake and washed it down with coffee.
"How is what you're eating considered lunch?" I said, trying to change the subject.
'It's considered lunch in my alternate universe, Mads," she replied, stuffing her face with another big bite. "Now answer the question." I let out a big sigh, knowing full well she wasn't going to let me get away with anything.
"I would say tense best describes it. Or is it terse? I forget," I said, picking absentmindedly at my salad.
"That good, huh? I expected more from Casey," she said.
"So did I, Em. I can't explain my husband's behavior. He's been acting like a child who keeps dropping his ice cream cone. Any time Jace's name comes up, I expect him to throw a tantrum," I said, taking a forkful of my food.
"Can you blame him, Mads? Jesus, your first husband comes back from the dead and he's this big, handsome, strapping Texan, for God's sake. It's bound to make Casey a little crazy," she said.
"Whose side are you on, Emily? Jesus," I said, putting my fork down on the table. I suddenly lost my appetite.
"I'm on your side, Mads, but my heart goes out to Casey. This can't be easy for him."
"Well, it wasn't easy for me when Matt disappeared out of my life with no explanation either! Jace Walker wouldn't have happened if Matt hadn't left me alone in the world," I said, beginning to raise my voice and drawing looks from the people at nearby tables in the cafeteria.
"OK, Mads. That's a fair point," she replied.
"Jace Walker rescued me from a life full of misery and loneliness. We fell in love! Since when is that a crime? Matt fell in love with Halley and Dawson, but I don't use that as an excuse to act like a sulking child," I shouted. "No one but me has stopped to think about what it is that Jace needs. He needs to be heard in order to rectify all the shit that he went through! How the hell can I deny him that? Everyone is so worried about Matt and how he feels, but it's Jace I'm more worried about right now. He lost a whole life, for Christ's sake, but by all means let's put more importance on Matt's bruised ego," I said, wiping my eyes with a napkin.
"Jesus, Mads...I'm sorry I said anything," she said, leaning back against the padded booth and slumping her shoulders forward.
"I'm sorry, Em. It's just that this has been bottled up inside me for the last few weeks because I had to keep putting Jace off until Matt was completely healed and went back to work," I said.
"Severide says Casey is doing fine, if that's any consolation," she said.
"Yeah, I'm glad he's better. Maybe his focus will shift now," I said, rubbing my eyes.
"How are you doing, babes? You look exhausted," she said.
"I haven't been sleeping well. Too many damn dreams," I said.
"About what?" she asked.
"Mostly about Jace and me. It's almost as if my mind wants to remember things about our life together," I said.
"Is that even possible?" asked Em.
"Dr. Harrison told me that my memory could come back one day, that it would either be like someone opened the floodgates in my head or was letting them out one at a time," I said.
"Does Casey know?"
"Jesus, no! The only thing that's saved Matt from going completely over the edge is that I have very few memories of that time. I can't very well tell him that I'm remembering things," I said, blowing my nose on another napkin.
"When do you plan on meeting with Jace again?"
"Tonight," I said. "He's coming over for dinner. I wanted to do it on an evening when Matt was on shift. The sooner we talk, the sooner Jace will be leaving Chicago. Maybe then, Matt will go back to being Matt again."
"This has been rough on you, too, hasn't it?" she said.
"It sure as hell has. I just want this to be over so things can go back to normal," I said.
"You want me to watch Finn for you?" she asked.
"Thanks, Em, but I think it'll be fine. I plan to have Finn fed, bathed and ready for bed before Jace arrives," I said.
"OK, but just say the word and I'm there," she said.
"I appreciate that," I said as I grabbed her hand and held it tight.
"He's still in love with you, isn't he?" she asked, catching me off guard. I briefly thought back to the kiss we shared the first time we talked a few weeks ago.
"He's never indicated that to me," I said, lying and trying to be as generic as I could with my answers.
"He doesn't have to say it to feel it, Mads. I saw the way he was looking at you that night at The Roadhouse," she said.
"You saw him for all of thirty seconds and suddenly you're an expert on Jackson Walker's feelings? Doubtful. Where are you going with this anyway, Em? Even if he is, I'm married. He knows we can't go back," I said.
"Does he? I think you need to find out, Mads...for your sake and Casey's," she said.
"Pffftttt," I said, waving her and her opinions off. My life had been complicated enough without throwing one more iron into the fire. "I'll see you back upstairs," I said, sliding out of the booth.