Dear Sir,
I am sincerely sorry for the disappointment this letter may bring to you. You must wonder why I am writing at all. Well, my sister confidentially shared the happenings between you and her and shared the content of the letter. Please do not be alarmed. She had to confide in someone. I promise you that nothing of it will be shared by me. I felt that I wanted to say some things on the matter. I do not wish to hint salt on a wound, but rather give you some kind of closure.
I am very sorry for what your feelings must be after Hunsford. I tried to tell my sister that I had thought you admired her, but it was met with passionate denial. She kept telling me you were only looking at her to find fault – as if any gentleman would keep looking at a woman he thinks of nothing. I tried to make her see you in a better light, as an honourable gentleman, with not much success. I am not sure if you know where her animosity toward you was generated. Maybe if you know, you can understand her better. The first time we all met, at the assembly, you did not want to dance with her when your friend suggested her as a partner. You made some derogatory remark about her being only 'tolerable' – she heard you. You can well imagine, when she grew up listening to my mother saying that she was 'nothing' to my beauty (sadly to say), she would not welcome a handsome gentleman to regard her as unworthy even for a dance. Here, I also tried to tell her that she should not put weight on your comment as who knows what made you so taciturn that evening. Unfortunately, she then viewed you with this incident in mind. She was not flirting with you but was truly trying to put you in your place. The story of your ex-friend then just gave flames to her indignation towards you. Yet again, I tried to make her see reason, that a gentleman like you who would be kind enough to teach his friend – coming from trade - the goings of managing an estate would not reject a childhood friend just because he was inferior – that was her theory. I was sure you must have had your reason, though it was difficult to see him in a bad light, he was indeed very charming…maybe too charming. Unfortunately, my sister wanted to think the worst of you, I guess to make your slight not hurt so much. You can imagine then that after abusing you in your face, it took her quite some time to give any credit to your words in the letter. In her final attempt to keep thinking ill of you she told me about your interference.
This is the real reason I am writing to you. You were actually correct in your estimation of my feelings. My sister, once a thought appears to her, would not let it go. I am sure you realised by now: she is quite stubborn. I never said I was in love with him. She simply assumed. The only thing I ever said about him was that he was just as a gentleman should be, or something like that. My mother and she quickly heard wedding bells after your friend asked me to dance twice at the assembly. I should have said no to the second dance, but he made his offer in front of my mother… I had nothing against your friend then (I do now), and I am sure I would have been a good wife to him. After all his attention, I resigned myself that I would say yes if he offered. You know the situation of my family, but on second thought maybe not. Our estate is entailed upon our cousin who visited us and you also met him at the ball. I would have been his choice of wife if not for my mother insisting that I was practically engaged. Thanks for the small miracles. I grew up with my mother lamenting that after our father's death, we would end up with nothing. So, yes, I would have married your friend if he had asked. I probably could have learnt to love him eventually; I am a very easy person. My heart though, at the time, was indeed not touched. I know what I want in a man. Although your friend is a kind and … energetic person, I prefer a man who knows what he wants, one that deliberates things rather than going through life on a whim. I want a man of reason, of knowledge – your friend does not read. I want a man who knows his duty (not like my own father) – your friend let himself be persuaded and left me behind without a second thought to say goodbye. You are the one I noticed then and learnt, by my observations, that you were all that I could admire in a man. I also guess that under that mask you wear, there is a passionate man wanting friendship and love – you sought your friend, and my sister who are lively after all. You watched my sister; I watched you. I must say it was disappointing that the one person I would have liked to be noticed by did not give me a second glance. I wanted to think that was because your friend already showed preference toward me. But, I did not grudge you for wanting my sister – she would have suited you if only she recognised that you are a good man. I hope you forgive me for this small confession; I just wanted you to know that although my sister did not realise your worth, someone did.
Do not be surprised that I know that you do not show yourself to the world. I recognise your mask as I wear one as well. I do not appreciate that people look at me and admire me for my looks only. They think I am good because I look nice. They know nothing of me. Nobody makes the effort to actually know me, the person, even my sister. I would love to be carefree and joyful like she, but she needs her stage and my family needs me to marry well, again because I am beautiful – this is my role. Besides, someone has to the ledgers and visit the tenants. I am half sick of the place I live, with the few same faces around. Sometimes, I entertain thoughts of leaving my family and, I do not know, maybe starting a small trade somewhere. I have some money saved and invested with my uncle. I have a good head for numbers and I can bake, or I know a lot of herbs and medicinal plants…I like to play with this idea, maybe in a few years. But I digress.
This time, I told my sister that you were right and not her. As usual, she denied it, but finally, she accepted that I know my mind better. I explained to her that nobody forced him to stay in London, he should have known his own mind. She herself tried to argue her case to her friend who decided to marry our cousin, but it was her friend that made the decision. Same thing. You are not responsible for his caprice. I explained that my melancholy of late was not because of the gentleman, but rather the hopelessness of our situation. I allowed myself to feel some indignation as well for our father, who did not do anything to make things better. How can a woman get married well when she has no decent dowry! …Strange how easily I can write to you…I am sorry if I overstepped. I will try to knock on your door and deliver this letter before we leave for home.
Take care of your heart, kind Sir. Remember us only in a way that gives you pleasure. I am ever so sorry that my sister did not appreciate you. I would have welcomed you as a brother even if I had entertained other wishes.
God bless,