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Chapter 52: "…Can't even cry from the pain…"
The sand shifted under his feet as he willed himself to take one more step. He'd been telling himself the same lie for hours now.
One more step, then they could rest.
One more step for her.
That one wasn't a lie.
She hadn't said anything since the beach, not one word, why should she?
"Disgusting."
He was. There was nothing more to say, no apology for his sins and he found his tears soon dried up once he heard that word leave her lips.
One more step.
He had gotten off of her and turned away, knees against his chest, he had sat there till the first inkling of light made its way over the crimson ocean. She hadn't moved either, though when he had finally been able to look at her he had seen how much she wanted to.
Every movement was agony for her, Shinji had only felt a fraction of what she had felt when Unit-02 was torn apart, and then when she had been disemboweled from the spears. He could only imagine how her body felt now and judging by the phantom pains in his palms he knew she was in no shape to move on her own.
He made sure to move slowly at first, his hands digging into the sand under her back with the smallest movements. Doing his best to lift her all the while that singular blue eye watched him, judged him, tried to dissect him.
He didn't care. Not one bit.
Because right now she needed him and he had failed her so many times before.
Soon they were moving, the cruicified MPEs and image of Rei floating over the water forgotten. Their tracks stretching along the beach with the slow lapping of waves hitting the sand being the only noise to grace their ears besides the occasional wince from Asuka.
They stopped periodically, more rest for her than for him, and during those times he knew that eye was glued to him, trying to decipher what he was doing.
As dusk began to fall, he could spot some semblance of intact structures in the distance. A day's journey north had only shown then ruins of civilization so far, Tokyo-03 and the surrounding providences had been annihilated by the black moon and accompanying destruction, this must have been just beyond the devastation.
As best he could tell it must've been a town set up after the Second Impact, the 'new' buildings being the telltale sign of its occupant's relocation due to rising sea levels. They had the end in sight, but as he moved forwards he felt her resting more and more weight on him, unable to keep up with his rejuvenated enthusiasm.
It wasn't like he hadn't been holding the bulk of her before, but by now she must have been exhausted. He looked over at the mess of red hair next to him and then back to the village, they needed to reach it by nightfall or they'd have to spend the night out here.
Ever so delicately, he shifted, keeping her on her feet while moving in front of her and crouching.
"Hop on."
She did nothing, just rested all her weight on his shoulders. Shinji couldn't tell if it was her pride refusing the help, or her disdain for him.
"Asuka," he pleaded, "we need to get there, you'r…" he stopped, if he told her she couldn't make it, it might anger her, she may even not let him help her. "Just hold onto me, we need to get there before dark."
At first, there was no response, before he felt her grip his shoulders slightly, and the rest of her weight lowered gingerly onto his back. Even with the glacial speed, he could hear her wince with every movement. Then her arms came down around his neck before he stood up and forced himself to keep moving.
He wasn't what anyone would consider strong, he was slim even for his age, and while every fiber of his body wanted nothing more than to collapse from the day's journey, and now with Asuka's full weight he wouldn't allow himself to.
Perhaps it was adrenaline, perhaps it was his need to not fail her again, but he continued on, with only her labored breath in his ear.
One more step.
He focused on his steps, and every moment the images of her shredded Unit-02, of the haven that had become her tomb, all because he wouldn't do anything.
With the sun dipping just beyond the horizon he had made it into town and Shinji made his way to the nearest structure. The apartment building was small, no it was tiny, at least compared to Misato's, not more than three levels, but lucky for them nearly all the doors were hanging open.
Stumbling inside, the place was predictably smaller than Misato's, but still spacious. The kitchen was to his immediate left when he walked in, blending into the living room just after that. A small table was situated just in front of him and a doorway led to what he could only assume was the bedroom to his right.
Opening it, he felt relief flood over him at the sight of a bed, and gently lowered the girl off his back. The movements all caused the sharp intake of breath from her, he was certain she was in more pain than she let on, but he knew asking her about it would get little or no response. But even as he left her and made his way to the kitchen to look for food, Shinji was keenly aware that her single blue eye was watching him.
Shinji allowed himself to bask in the cool air that came at him as he opened the fridge. The last semblance of cold was released and with no way to chill the sparsely packed fridge. No power meant a lot of things, but that was the least of their worries.
They hadn't seen anyone else on their day's journey. Not a single sign of life had greeted them. Surely more would come back, they wouldn't be the only ones.
He pushed that thought aside for now and grabbed two bottles of water, before heading back to his companion. Kneeling down next to the bed he opened both, drinking from his and offering her the other.
"You need to drink."
Bringing the water forward she didn't move, all she did was stare at him, that one blue eye emotionless at it bore into his soul.
"Asuka." He pleaded to no response, she just kept staring at him.
He wanted to know what was going on behind that eye, what was she thinking? Was she thinking of a way to keep them safe while everyone came back? Was she still trying to process Instrumentality?
He watched as she blinked, and the iris followed him as he screwed the caps back on the waters.
What did she think of him?
Was she thinking of a way to kill him? Was she just replaying his stupid choices over and over in her mind?
Did she even want to be next to him?
The sudden string of thoughts mixed with the long-overdue finally allowed the day's journey to catch up to him. His muscles ached as he pushed himself up and drowsiness came over him.
He kicked off his shoes, having disregarded the engrained act of leaving them by the door, he laid down on her left. A sense of déjà vu came over him like he was reliving the moment she crawled into bed next to him all those months ago. Only this time he wouldn't run away, half of him didn't want to, the other half was too tired to care.
For a few moments she kept her back to him, and he felt his eyelids begin to grow heavy. Just as they began to close, they sprung back open as she rolled over, blue meeting blue. Again she was staring at him, there was no discernable emotion on her face, she wore no disgust or hope, no happiness or dejection.
It was just her.
And he wanted his eyelids to drop, but her gaze forced him to keep his own open and as much as he didn't want to admit it, there was a fear as well.
The fear that she wouldn't be there when he woke up.
With all his courage he brought himself closer to her, the bandaged right arm was under her figure, perhaps the pressure helped, but her left hand was between them now, the only barrier.
Every so slowly, Shinji rested his right hand over hers, there were no intertwined fingers, no squeezing of palms, simply one hand over top the other, dried LCL flakes brushing off with the contact. She didn't object, at least not from what Shinji could tell.
"I won't leave you again," he whispered, "I promise."
ʡʘʘʘʢ
For one instant, shorter than one could blink, shorter than anyone has generated a thought… Shinji Ikari believed that everything had been a nightmare.
Until his vision was awash with red.
And the memory of yesterday came rushing back.
Asuka's eye was closed, having fallen asleep at some point, her hair was in disarray, patchy from the dried LCL, but her hand was still in the same spot, she hadn't shaken his off.
He didn't move, all he did was stare, stare at this girl whose mind and soul had been torn apart and put back together.
All because of him.
The image of Unit-02 ripped in the open GeoFront flashed in his mind, causing him to shake, but he forced himself to calm down, for her sake. They laid there together, there was no clock he could see, so he just let time pass, only examining her beautiful face, torturing himself with a reminder of his actions.
That was before that blue iris opened and was looking at him again.
At first there was a flurry of confusion, perhaps she had the same thought as him, that it had all been a dream for one fleeting moment.
They stared into each other, both trying to understand what the other wanted to say.
"You didn't leave."
Those were the only words said. The only words since he had been on top of her at the beach. He nodded slowly, there was nothing else to say, at least there was nothing she was going to say to him.
Pushing himself up, gently helped her get up as well, before assisting her to the kitchen table. Scrounging for food, he produced a few snacks and set them down between them, but neither one started eating, their appetites understandably suppressed.
Sitting there his eyes couldn't meet hers, so he just fiddled with a snacks packaging, "We should talk…"
Her brow furrowed, obviously, she didn't want to.
"Look I know…"
"What do you know? She hissed at him across the table.
He stopped fiddling with the package and finally looked up to see her glare. Leaning onto the table, his hands coming up to his face, in some way he must have looked like the late commander.
"I know that was you, what you said… you meant every bit of it." He started, "And I know I needed your help."
"And?"
"And I don't deserve it… but I want to try... I know.."
"You know nothing." She spat at him, as she suddenly tried to push herself up.
He only needed to see the shaking of her arms to know how much it was hurting her and she didn't look that stable either. It was all he needed to rush around the table, doing his best to try and help her, but all he felt was her bandaged fingers around his neck.
That anger at him had boiled up and had this been yesterday on the beach he would have let her finish him if she had the strength. Now it was just pathetic, the light pressure he felt was inconsequential and he was sure this was hurting her more than it was hurting him.
Had she done this been yesterday he would have let her do what she pleased, but right here, right now, he finally had someone other than himself to worry about. She needed him now, and he wouldn't fail her again, never again.
With ease he pulled her hand away from his neck, Shinji was sure she had stopped trying once he moved, but that eye kept glaring at him, unwilling to do anything else.
"Please Asuka… let me help you."
"Like you could help me," she snarled "you can't even help yourself."
It was the truth, he was pathetic, but that didn't mean he couldn't do anything for her.
"So why come back?" he asked her.
There was no answer for him no witty remark, no insult, just silence. Just that emotionless stare to answer him.
"Why come back?!" he asked more forcefully. "I saw you Asuka, I saw you, all of you, you must have felt something to come back!"
"I did." She said plainly.
"You saw me then. You never talked to me; all you ever did was push me away!"
She said nothing.
"I'm still… I want to try… for the first time in my life I don't want to run away…" he said simply, "I don't want to run anymore."
She finally stopped trying to force her hand around his neck, she didn't seem to have much energy for anything by then.
"I'm yours Asuka, all of me." He swallowed "I promise. I'll always be there… I'm yours."
They stood there silently, his arms supporting her, while she did nothing. Not too long ago, he figured this was exactly what she wanted, now, it seemed she wanted anything but this.
"I need to wash off." She said simply, brushing off a few flecks of LCL.
Shinji just nodded and slowly walked her to what he presumed was the bathroom. Walking inside it was small, but a full tub was a promising start. Bringing a chair, he let her sit down, even with the discomfort on her face, he knew it was only temporary.
Asuka brought her hand up to her wrist and tried to release her plug suit, the audible click resounded in the cramped room but nothing happened, the damage seemingly too much for it to continue functioning properly.
She looked up at him, glaring with that blue eye "You just going to stand there, or get out?" she growled.
"You can't do this on your own." He said simply, "so let me help you."
She frowned, looking away into the mirror and seeing the sorry state she was in for the first time. Her face fell at the sight and Shinji could see the dejection creep onto it. She just shook her head in reluctance acceptance "Fine. It's not like you haven't seen it before." She spat, referring to his actions she had seen in instrumentality.
The boy visibly cringed at the words, obviously feeling the guilt from his actions. Turning to leave, Asuka grumbled as she worked at the skintight suit, of course, he would go back on what he had just said.
To her surprise, however, he reappeared at the door, scissors in his hands and a look on his face, waiting for her permission to start.
She turned away again but nodded.
Starting at her neck, Shinji delicately began to cut away at the plug suit, making sure not to nick the girl.
Starting at her shoulder, he worked his way over to her neck, then he started back down, slicing his way down the right side of her torso. He made sure to do so delicately, there was no need to hurry, and the shaking of his hands didn't help the situation. As he went, the vacuum seal loosened and the synthetic material peeled away from her body as he worked.
Peeling off the material, Asuka made no notion that it was in a way uncomfortable, even with his repeated questions about how she was.
Cutting across her waist, he pulled off the torso and left arm's material.
He felt sick.
There on her torso, patches of scabbed skin presented themselves to him.
Shinji just stared at her lower torso, his eyes falling off her and down to the ground. Here he was with a sight his classmates could only dream of and all that he could feel now was the shame of his actions.
He could feel the tears coming, but he forced them down, right now she didn't need him weeping at the sight of her, no, she needed him to be strong.
He could do that for now.
He could do that for her.
So, he went back to peeling off her plug suit, taking off the lower half she just glared at him while he averted his eyes.
"Oh, you're embarrassed?" she spat at him.
"C'mon," he said, moving around her to draw a bath, "let's see if there's still water."
Luckily, there was, and it wasn't too cold either, the apartment complex probably had a small water supply. He wondered how long it would be till either of them bathed again, he guessed that depended on how fast people returned.
Helping the girl up, Shinji set her slowly into the bath, doing his best to not react to the scabs on her back and not linger on sights that other boys would kill for.
"Can I see your right arm?" he asked, wanting to unwrap it and see how bad it was.
She just let him hold it as he unwrapped the gauze, revealing the scab that ran from between her middle and index fingers.
Asuka just looked at the hand as he let it go, beginning to unwrap the bandages on her head, all the while a single thought occupied his mind.
You let this happen.
You let this happen.
You did this.
It took everything to suppress those feelings, he'd deal with them later.
Pulling off the gauze, he was met with a scab above her lift eye and a lifeless white eye underneath.
"Guess it's not coming back." She mumbled, now knowing she had no use of her left eye.
He frowned as he removed her A10 clips, then grabbed a washcloth and began to wet her hair and shoulders.
She said nothing as he worked out dried chips of LCL through her fiery hair, doing his best not to tug before working his way down.
The water was just below chest level, though the girl had her good arm over her chest, not that he was staring. Gingerly he worked on her back and gently scrubbed the LCL from her hurt arm.
"Do you want to do the rest?" he asked, knowing she probably didn't want him touching her beyond what he had already done.
She said nothing and just nodded. Standing up, Shinji handed her a clean washcloth, "When you're done or if you need anything, just call for me, alright?"
Again, a slight nod but without any eye contact.
Taking his leave, Shinji closed the door on the way out. Looking around he found himself gravitating to the bedroom and letting himself rest against the wall. Slowly he slid to the floor, sitting with his knees up to his chest.
There was no way for him to know about the silent tears being shed behind the bathroom door.
And was no way for her to know how many droplets rained onto the bedroom floor.
The tears had finally come.
I think it's important to remember that something stated from a character's POV isn't necessarily the truth. This chapter really pounds Shinji into the ground, more than I believe it needs to, but it's his own thoughts about himself, so it fits.
This is the origin to, what I consider to be, the unhealthy obsession with Asuka, unhealthy in the way that he pursues it, clearly to his own detriment and with half of it due to self-loathing. Does that mean he doesn't actually love her? No. It means Shinji only learned half his lesson and he'll have to pay the school fees again.
'Take care of yourself'
SHOUTOUTS!
Romulo Nidoking BR – It's all in his head, they're not pulled from some alternate universe, they're all him. Ghost Soryu reveal soon!
NoseGum – Thanks!
JDH1080 – Thank you!
UltraSpink of Da USA – All in his head, nothing fancy.
ThyDevoutBeliever – Would you have it any other way?
KamenRiderVice – I'm surprised none of the other Dr. Who references have been detected haha.
JIM D. ZAS – Thanks!
ghemstro – Shadowfang
Guest (1) – How long is forever anyways?
Guest (2) – Only if you let it get to you.
KingXanaduu – Surprised nothing else that's Dr. Who related has been detected haha.
YodaMorpheus7 - *Cries at mention of Re-Take. People forget the important things because, *ahem, People live on by forgetting, but some things must never be forgotten.
tomdj1701 - Well I couldn't jus call it 'The man who regrets and the man who forgets' now could I? It'd be too on the nose.
engel17white – Nope, it's all in his head, it's all just him.
Attila1987 – Great comments, everything is really good except for one thing. I find the 'Shinji kills Asuka' trope to be distasteful, just kinda always found it cringy. Now if it he just caused it…
corvi1718 – Wow! Heck of a binge read. Since almost everything was outlined or written before 4.0 came out there's going to be differences, Mari had no background prior to 4.0 so she has a bit of a different background planned for the story.
deathbringer374 – Thank you for all your kind words, and I got the Tropic Thunder reference.
EvaPilotFair - Thanks! All will be revealed!
ProfessionalBleachDrinker – Glad you're enjoying it. Gotta forgive , its been around for over 20 years and hasn't really been overhauled for at least 10.
Sorry about the long wait, school has been kicking my ass and it's just generally been a really exhausting semester. I'm not getting nearly the amount of chapters out I wanted, but it is what it is. Hopefully I'll get the next one out within a month this time.
Oh and we passed the one year anniversary of this story which is pretty neat. I totally didn't want to updated on that day and missed it haha.
Until Next Time.