Chapter 16- Home:
"Ladies, what we have here is a grade A dilemma." Sue says to Kurt and Mercedes, "Mercedes, your vocal cords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. As first I thought it was a subtle homage to your truly, but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment."
"Miss Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those cheerios skirts." Mercedes says, "They don't fit me right."
"Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body." Kurt says.
"Embarrassed?" Mercedes asks, "No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot." Mercedes and Kurt laugh, doing their signature handshake.
"How do you two not have a show on bravo?" Sue asks, "Here's the skinny, splits magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me 'cheerleading coach of the last two thousand years'. In seven days, reporter Tracey Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds, and be in a gender-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team."
"Ten pounds?" Kurt asks, "Are you serious?"
"You could stand to lose a few, too, kiddo." Sue says to Kurt, "You got hips like a pear." Kurt and Mercedes sit in a shocked silence, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio secretary of state, notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo ID. You know why? People should know who I am. Now get out of my office.
X-X-X-X-X
"One more thing before we all leave." Mr Schue says from the front of the choir room, "We can't use the auditorium for the next week."
"But that's garbage." Finn says, the others nod in agreement, "How we supposed to practice for regionals without the auditorium?"
"The cheerios need it to practice in." Mr Schue says, "There's nothing I can do."
Rachel stands up, "I recommend a sit-in."
"I recommend we torch the place." Puck chimes in.
"No. Look, we've all faced adversity before, and we've come out stronger on the other end." Mr Schue says, "I'm going to check out a few off-site locations for us to use, for the week. I promise I'll find us a new home."
The bell rings and the new directions file out the choir room, "Oh, Finn." Kurt says catching the jock on the way out, "I wanted your opinion on this. It's a swatch board." Kurt lies it on the piano, "I'm redecorating my bedroom. Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in bel air. I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part."
"I live in a closet." Finn says, "There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls."
"Oh."
"But I guess that one's nice." Finn says pointing a fabric.
"Toile?" Kurt asks, "I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type." Finn walks out the choir room.
X-X-X-X-X
Kurt and Mercedes are in the cafeteria line, "Mercedes…" Kurt says when Mercedes picks up her lunch.
"This is healthy!" Mercedes says, "Chicken breast and a salad, dressing on the side."
"You have a week to lose ten pounds." Kurt says, "That's like having to lose one of my butt cheeks. Look at what I'm eating, peeled celery. And for breakfast, I had Splenda." Mercedes rolls her eyes, "Look, Mercedes, now that we're cheerleaders, we're finally part of the in crowd. We have a place at the table. We don't have to beg underneath for scraps of attention." Kurt sighs, "Don't screw it up." He walks off.
Mercedes looks over to see Santana and Blaine in the line, "Hey, guys." Mercedes says, "Can I ask you something? How do you manage to stay so skinny?"
"The Sue Sylvester master cleanse." Blaine says holding up a bottle.
"What's that?"
"Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemon for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels, and a dash of ipecac, a vomiting agent." Santana says.
"That can't be healthy." Mercedes says.
"Who cares?" Blaine says, "You can either feel and look great, or get kicked off the team when that reporter gets here." Mercedes walks off leaving her lunch. Blaine shrugs and him and Santana walk off. Quinn stands at the doorway, frowning, knowing actually what's going on.
X-X-X-X-X
"I lost two pounds, coach." Becky says standing on the scales.
"Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully." Sue says, "Instead of being different and an outcast, you're just like every other teenage girl in America, sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you'll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents' linen closet. Congrats. I'm proud of you, kid."
"Thanks, coach." Becky says exiting the office.
"You betcha." Sue says, "Next!" she yells, and Mercedes stands up, "Hey, you're still in your track uniform."
"Yep, and I'm ready for my midweek weigh-in." Mercedes says, "I've been eating very well, and walking everywhere."
"Okay, well, climb aboard." Sue says and Mercedes steps on the scale, "Let's see how many libbies you lost. Well, look at that, Mercedes. You've gained two pounds."
"What?!" Mercedes asks, "That's impossible!"
"Look, I'm gonna break it down for you." Sue says, "You have four days to lose the weight, get yourself in a uniform, or you're out."
"What am I gonna do?" Mercedes asks.
"Well, you might try dropping the attitude." Sue says, "I'm sure there's a pound or two in that. You know, with the cheerios, we have only one lesson, and it's a very simple lesson, you do whatever it takes." Mercedes walks off, "Next!"
X-X-X-X-X
"Kurt, hey!" Finn yells from the end of the hallway, Kurt turns around, "What-what the hell's going on with our parents? How did this happen? When did they even meet each other?"
"Parent-teacher conference night, about a mouth ago." Kurt says, "It was love at first sight."
"That's impossible." Finn says.
"When will you learn that nothing is impossible when it comes to love?" Kurt asks, "Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes? A new haircut that doesn't look like it styled by the Amish. Who do you think pretty woman 'ed her up? Has she started selling the furniture yet?"
"Yeah, yeah, she just got rid of her old bedroom set." Finn says, "And she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her. How-how do you even know that?"
"People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom." Kurt says, "They know what they want. I guess you and I will be roommates with mom and dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms."
"No way." Finn says.
"Give in to the inevitable, Finn." Kurt says, "I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together. That's why I asked you about the swatches. And don't sweat that old chair. I have a lovely chaise picked out."
"Look, screw you, your swatches and your chez." Finn says, taking a step back.
"Chaise."
"Whatever, okay." Finn says, "Look, I like my house. I'm not moving, and she's not selling that… that damn chair." Finn storms off.
X-X-X-X-X
"A roller rink?" Tina asks after Mr Schue announcement.
"Weren't those outlawed in, like, 1981, for being totally lame?" Blaine asks.
"Oh, come on, guys, where's your sense of adventure?" Mr Schue asks, "The space is great, and April is giving it to us to practice in for free."
"Mr Schue, if I may?" Kurt asks, Mr Schue nods and Kurt stands up and walks to the front, "The new directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyonce and Jay-Z. And Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how, if we find that place within." He hands Mr Schue sheet music, "We will get that happy ending. Brad, B flat."
"A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there…"
X-X-X-X-X
"A toast." Kurt says, while he, Finn, Burt and Carole are sitting in a booth at Breadstix, "Tonight is a momentous occasion. It marks the first real communion the Hummel and the Hudson clans. I imagine that when the Bouvier's and Kennedy's first broke bread, there was a similar sense of joy and urgency. So let me raise my Shirley temple our new little family." Everyone clinks their drinks apart from Finn.
"We're not a family." Finn mumbles into his drink.
"Finn-"
"It's cool." Burt says, "You're right. Your mom and I just enjoy each other's company right now. Let's just enjoy dinner. I mean, I'm buying, right?" Carole and Kurt laugh, "What are you, playing basketball now?" Burt asks Finn.
"Yeah, but I actually kind of like football better." Finn says Burt nods.
"I didn't know that." Carole says.
"Sounds crazy, but I miss getting hit." Finn says Carole laughs.
"Pure boyish insanity." Kurt says with fake laughter.
"No, it isn't." Burt says, "I totally get that. I used to love the feeling of getting my clock cleaned and then popping right up. Kind of reminded me of being alive."
"Yeah." Finn agrees.
"Why hasn't anyone commented on the new jeans I got Carole?" Kurt says trying to change the subject.
"Oh, come on." Carole says.
"Notice that the waistband falls well below the belly button." Kurt says, "A welcome change." He winks at Carole, who smiles at him.
"Sure, Kurt." Burt says, "Hey, you I sell tires to one of assistant coaches from the Browns. I can probably get you tickets, if I you want to go."
"That'd be awesome." Finn says, "I've never been to an NFL game live before."
Carole smiles, "Well, no problem." Burt says with a smile.
"Wow, you know, for a place called Breadstix, these really suck." Finn says fiddling with a breadstick. Everyone laughs, but Kurt.
X-X-X-X-X
Mercedes is sitting staring at her basically empty plate, "Do you want half of my peppermint patty?" Tina asks Mercedes.
"No." Mercedes says, "I don't put junk in my body."
"Why are you doing this?" Artie asks, "We like you no matter how you look."
"And those shake diets are really unhealthy." Tina says.
"They also don't really work." Artie says, "As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost."
"You know what?" Mercedes says standing up and slamming her hands on the desk, "I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a cheerio! To look fantastic, to finally fit in at this school."
"We're just trying to look out for you." Tina says standing up and looking like an ice cream to Mercedes.
"We just want you to be healthy." Artie says looking like a cake.
"Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do." Mercedes says, "And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you!"
"Hold up." Artie says, "Did she just say she wanted to eat us?"
Mercedes stands up and walks away from the table. Rachel and Jesse walk past looking like a burger and a cupcake, "Aw, damn." Mercedes faints.
"Oh, your blood pressure is low." The nurse says, "Maybe that's my you fainted. Your mom will be here soon. I'll go and get you some ginger ale. The nurse gets up to relive Quinn, she walks over and offers Mercedes a granola bar.
"Thanks. I'm not hungry." Mercedes says.
"Yes, you are." Quinn says, "You're starving. I know. I've been there." Mercedes won't look at Quinn, "Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted?"
"Yeah." Mercedes says, "How'd you know?"
"Been there." Quinn says, "Eat the granola bar."
Mercedes takes the bar and opens it, "Why are you being so nice to me." She asks, "I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't 'you' and 'suck'."
"Cause I was you… scared." Quinn says, "Hating myself for eating a cookie. But I got over it."
"Yeah, of course you did, Miss pretty blonde with the white girl ass." Mercedes says.
"When you start eating for somebody else, so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself?" tears start to fall down Mercedes' face, "You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Miss Sylvester take that away from you."
Mercedes looks at her lap, "I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me." Mercedes starts crying, "How did I become this person?"
"You are beautiful." Quinn says, "You know that. I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay?" Mercedes nods.
X-X-X-X-X
The new directions are skating around the roller rink, messing around. Quinn, Mercedes, Santana and Blaine are skating around as a group. Quinn almost falls and everyone catches her, they all start laughing a lot, "This was a horrible idea." Mercedes says through laughter.
"Yeah." Santana says, "We're not going to be able to practice here." The group laugh when Puck falls face first.
"It was definitely worth it to see that though." Blaine laughs.
"Yep." Quinn says.
"Okay, guys!" Mr Schue calls out, "Come over here." The new directions all slowly make their way over to Mr Schue, some falling, "I think we can all agree that this isn't working out the kids nod.
"I think I broke my nose." Puck says, holding his nose. Blaine, Mercedes, Quinn and Santana all snigger.
"I think we'll just stick to the choir room." Mr Schue says, and the kids nod in agreement, "All right, let's get those skates off."
X-X-X-X-X
Kurt walks up to Finn, who's at his locker, "Finn, we need to talk." Kurt says, "We have to break up our parents immediately." Finn shuts his locker, "I screwed up. I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest."
"It hurt you, didn't it?" Finn asks, "When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff. I could tell that you were-"
"Left out?" Kurt says, "Invisible? Yeah."
"I don't like my mom's forgetting about my dad." Finn says, "It's up to me to keep his memory alive, and I don't want to move in with you. No offense."
"None taken." Kurt says, "So, we put an end to them. Agreed?"
"Agreed." Finn says, they shake hands.
Carole is standing in front of a mirror putting earrings on. Finn walks past with his dad's urn, "What are you doing?" she asks.
Finn shrugs, "I'm going to flush dad's ashes down the toilet." He quickly walks off, Carole chases him.
"Have you lost your mind?" Carole asks, taking the urn from Finn.
"What?" Finn asks, "I'm just doing the same thing you're doing to him. What's the point of keeping his remains around if you're just gonna dump them out like an old ashtray?"
"Fine." Carole says walking over to the coach placing the urn on a seat.
"What are you doing?" Finn asks.
"What you want." Carole says, "What we've been doing for the last 15 years… pretending." Finn frowns in confusion, "Come on, Finn, let's sit and watch TV as a family." She turns the tv on, sitting on a couch, "Look! There's a basketball game on. Your dad would've liked to watch that. What do you think, Christopher?" Carole asks the urn.
"Mom, you're being crazy." Finn says.
"And you're being selfish." Carole says, "I like Burt. I-I haven't felt this way about a guy since your dad died. At least not one who felt it back."
"This family works." Finn says, "I don't want it to get screwed up!"
"This family manages." Carole says, "We get by. You just don't know any differently because you think what we have is normal." Carole starts to tear up, "I do this with hi every night. I take the urn to bed with me, and I talk to him about my day. 16 years, I've been asking him for advice and… and waiting to hear his laugh, and for him to tell me that he loves me. And he never does. And he never will."
"I won't do it." Finn says, "I'm not moving. I'm not ready. And he wouldn't want you to do this if I wasn't ready."
"You didn't know him, Finn!" Carole says, Finn looks scared, "Sweetheart, I love you so much. We don't need any more memories or ghosts. We need a family. A home." Finn stands in a shocked silence. Carole kisses Finn's cheek before walking off.
X-X-X-X-X
The McKinley students are all sitting in the auditorium waiting for the cheerios to start. Sue walks in and sits next to the agent, "With a name like Tracey, I assumed you be a lady."
"Quite a turnout for a pep rally." Tracey says.
"On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, leaving the gymnasium the only place with breathable air." Sue says, and Tracey looks at her with a confused face, "Oh, come on. That was clever. You might want to start writing down my little bon mots. I'm gonna be dropping some beauties on you."
"You know, this is just a freelance job." Tracey says, "I was short-listed for the Pulitzer last year for my Newsweek piece on high school athletes going pro."
"So, my cover story isn't a fluff piece?" Sue asks.
"Nope." Tracey says, "Hard-hitting investigation." Sue eyes widen in horror.
The cheerios walk out into the gymnasium and the students clap and cheer, "Feast your ears on this smokin' intro." Nothing happens, "In a few seconds. It's so important to build the tension."
Mercedes walks out in her track uniform, "What is she doing?" Kurt whispers to Santana and Blaine, and Blaine shrugs.
"Hey, guys." Mercedes says into the mic, "I'm Mercedes Jones. So, most of you know cheerios is about perfection and winning, looking hot and being popular."
"Still building the tension." Sue whispers to Tracey.
"Well, I think that is should be about something different." Mercedes says, "How many of you at this school feel fat?" Quinn confidently raises her hand, some others raise their hands, "How many of you feel like maybe you're not worth very much?" Some more people raise their hands, "Or you're ugly, or you have too many pimples and not enough friends?" A lot more people have their hands in the air, "Well, I felt all those things about myself at one time or another. Hell, I felt most of those things about myself today. And that just ain't right. And we've got something to say about it. And if you like what we have to say, come down here and sing it with us."
"Every day is so wonderful, and suddenly, it' hard to breathe…"
When the chorus hits the cheerios turn around and join in, apart from Kurt. Quinn and some more McKinley students stand up and join in too. Eventually Quinn, Santana and Blaine are crowded around Mercedes singing along with her. As the song continues the new directions in the audience join Mercedes, Quinn, Santana and Blaine. And eventually Kurt does too.
The songs ends and everyone claps and cheers. Mr Schue looks at the new direction, especially Mercedes, with pride. Whereas Sue looks disgusted, "We can finish the interview in your office tomorrow." Tracey says he gets up and walks off, Sue looks around nervously.
Kurt pushes the crowd to get to Mercedes, "Thank you." Kurt says, "I was wrong." The friends hug.
X-X-X-X-X
The next day, Sue enters her office to see Tracey, "Mr Pendergrass, let me explain."
"Just have a seat." He says and Sue nervously sits down.
"Oh. Not used to taking orders in my office." Sue says nervously.
"Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you." Tracey says, "You're bossy, insulting, and in fact twice you called me Rerun, makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat." Sue nervously gulps, "I could not have been more wrong."
"Beg pardon?" Sue asks.
"You got every shape and size cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are." Tracey says, "You're s visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo."
"Well, thank you, uh, Mr Pendergrass." Sue says, "I-I can't say I'm surprised. Um, you know, I work so hard to get my kids feeling good about themselves, because it's what's inside that counts."
"It's an honour, coach." Tracey says standing up and offering a hand, Sue shakes it, "When this hits the stands, it could mean big things for you." Sue smiles before Tracey exits the office.
X-X-X-X-X
Finn enters his kitchen to see Burt, "What are you doing here?" Finn asks, "Did you already move in?"
"No, your mom invited me." Burt says, "She thought you and I could have a man-to-man."
"Good, you know, cause I got a lot to say about this." Finn says.
"Well, I do too, so let me go first." Burt says, "You're pissed, I get it. Your dad is a hero, not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm, but he's a hero to you. No way, I can fill his shoes. It's just, you know… I love your mom. She's like this angel that, you know, came down to wake me up after all these years, and I swear to you, I will never hurt her, I will always take care of her. And I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me. All right, I've said my piece. What do you want to say?"
"Just… want to know if you want to watch a game?" Finn asks.
"Sure." Burt says, Finn nods nervously, and the pair walk into the living room and Burt goes to sit on the big coach.
"Hold up." Finn says, Burt looks back to Finn, "You can sit here if you want." Finn says taking the urn off of his dad's chair. Burt sits down and Finn turns on the TV sitting next to him.
"You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis." Burt says as they start watching the basketball game.
"Tell me about it." Finn says.
"This team, every year, they recruit these guys and…" Burt and Finn start talking about the teams while Kurt watches from the glass door.
X-X-X-X-X
The new directions enter the choir room to see April and Mr Schue talking, they all have huge smiles on their faces, "Did you tell him yet?" Rachel asks excitedly.
"Tell me what?" Mr Schue asks.
"That I bought y'all the auditorium." April says, and the kids all cheer and clap.
"What?!" Mr Schue asks.
"I wrote ol' Figgins a check this morning." April says, "It's now called the April Rhodes Civic Pavilion."
"I don't know what to say." Mr Schue says.
"We've got that covered." Rachel says, "Follow us!" Rachel says and the new directions and April head to the auditorium.
Mr Schue stands the audience, April walks out onto the stage and a beautiful white dress. She walks out to a mic and starts singing.
"When I think oof home, I think of a place where there's love overflowing…"
As the song progresses the curtains open to relive the new directions, they sing back-up for April. Mr Schue tears up as the song comes to an end.
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