Chapter 21- Funk:
"Is it just me, or does it feel like we have a real shot at regionals next months?" Mercedes says to Kurt, Artie, Tina and Kurt as they walk through the halls.
"The Ohio show choir chat rooms have all been buzzing about how vocal adrenaline has lot step." Artie says.
"I agree." Kurt says, "The judges know all of their tricks and now that we have Jesse, they've lost their best performer."
"You guys have to come to the auditorium." Rachel says, cutting the group off, "It's an emergency!" she runs off and the other follow, looking very confused.
They enter the auditorium to see the other new directions standing glaring daggers at the stage. The vocal adrenaline are standing on their stage, "Jesse?" Rachel asks when she sees him, in costume, on stage, "What are you doing up there with them?"
"I've transferred back to Carmel high, Rachel." Jesse says, "I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas."
"Why are you here in our auditorium?" Finn asks.
"The blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished, and that you guys are ripe to topple us." Jesse says, "We just wanted to show a little something we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment."
"Ooh, let's go! Steve walks warily down the street with the brim pulled way down low…"
"Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys." Giselle says, "It's quaint." Vocal adrenaline exit, Jesse hangs back, he and Rachel look at each other for a few seconds, before Jesse walks.
"It's Carmel high tradition." Artie says as the new directions all walk down the hall to the choir room, "The psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a funkification. Meaning they show us what they've got, and we spiral into a deep black funk."
"Yeah." Finn says, "Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams. You know, try and get inside their head before a big game, pull little pranks to intimidate them."
"Yeah, well, the difference was those football teams sucked." Puck says, "Those guys are golden."
"Come on, keep your heads up, guys." Kurt says, "It's going take more than that to get us into a funk." As he says this, he enters the choir room, which has been trashed with towel roll.
"I feel so violated." Tina says as the new directions clean the choir room, "It's like someone broke into our home."
"Look, it was just a lame little prank." Mr Schue says, "And the fact they're trying to get to us means, maybe, we got them spooked."
"Uh-uh, Mr Schue." Mercedes says, "They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?"
"I gave 'em all keys." Sue says, entering as if on que, "Helped them do a sound check over the weekend. Hey, this way, fellas." Sue says to some students, who are carry trophies, "Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit."
"Sue, what are you doing?" Mr Schue asks.
"I can't talk to you now, William." Sue says, "Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex. You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying."
"Sue, get out of my room." Mr Schue says approaching Sue.
"Glee clubbers, for you those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Accutane, listen up." Sue says, "In a few weeks, glee club will be finished. Now how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed."
"Sue, can I see your trophy?" Mr Schue asks.
"Sure, Will." Sue says, "Hope and dream."
Mr Schue admires the trophy before throwing it at the wall, everyone flinches, "You dropped your trophy, Sue." Mr Schue says innocently.
"You know, for me, trophies are like herpes." Sue says, "You can try to get rid of them, but they just keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. Enjoy your last few days here. This room is mine." The bell rings and Sue leaves.
X-X-X-X-X
"Sloppy!" Sue yells as the cheerios routine comes to an end, "Boring! Go, before I replace you all!" the cheerios all scurry out.
Santana notices Blaine's struggling to breathe, "You okay?" She asks, "You look like you're in pain."
"I think I had too big of a lunch." Blaine says gripping his ribs.
"You sure?" Kurt asks standing next to Blaine.
"Yeah." Blaine says, "Just gonna take some aspirin when I get home." He walks off. Santana and Kurt share a glance.
"Aspirin?" Santana mumbles as Blaine walks off.
Kurt shrugs, "Headache?"
"Maybe." They walk towards the changing room and pass Blaine as he leaves.
X-X-X-X-X
"All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets." Mr Schue says entering the choir room, "Who has some?"
"Giving my heart to Jesse, just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp." Rachel says sitting at the piano.
"Thinking 'trust me' was a sensible birth control option." Quinn says.
"We all have them." Mr Schue says, "I just finalized my divorce. I regret living in a relationship that wasn't working. Letting her put me in these deep funks and not fighting back."
"Besides creeping us all out, why are you telling us this?" Blaine asks.
"Because if we lose to vocal adrenaline at regionals, none of us are going to regret it. We will have given it our best shot and we won't look bad." Mr Schue says, "But we will regret letting them get the best of us before the competition. Which is why we need to hit them back just like they hit us."
"So, you want us to TP their choir room?" Quinn asks.
"Whatever the better, cooler version of that is." Mr Schue says, "Like, uh, maybe we should steal their school statue."
"Their school statue is a giant bronze of a great white shark eating a seal pup." Kurt says, "It weighs three tons."
"Okay, how about this one." Mr Schue says, "We get…"
Finn leans over to Puck, "Tonight, vocal adrenalines cars, burst the tires."
Puck nods, "We're on."
X-X-X-X-X
"Finn Hudson. Noah Puckerman." Figgins says, "A word."
"Did you two burst the tires on vocal adrenalines car tires?" Figgins asks as Puck and Finn sit in Figgins office, Mr Schue, Sue and Shelby there too.
"Yeah, I did it." Puck says, "And I'm proud. All I did was step up and be a man. They got what was coming to them."
"A few of my students TP'd your choir room." Shelby says, "You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all 26 of my performers. Those were gifts for our win at Sectionals. That's 200 times 26 times four equals… I don't have a calculator."
"I'm sorry, you bought all your kids Range Rovers?" Mr Schue asks.
"We have a very active booster club." Shelby says.
"Look, nobody got hurt." Mr Schue says, "It was a harmless prank."
"That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and a city burned, William. that young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln."
"Enough." Figgins says, "These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled."
"Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled." Shelby says, "I'm not going to press charges… as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget."
"That will bankrupt the glee club." Mr Schue says, "We don't have that kind of money."
"We'll get jobs." Finn says, "Give us a month. We'll pay you back, Miss Corcoran, I promise."
"Fine." Shelby says.
"Miss Corcoran, you are as wise and magnanimous as you are beautiful." Figgins says and Shelby frowns.
"Thank you." Mr Schue says as Shelby says.
"Well, you just can't win, can you, William?" Sue says, "You never have, and you never will." She leaves.
"Come on, you, guys." Mr Schue says, leaving, Puck and Finn following behind, "What the hell were you guys thinking?!" Mr Schue asks sitting down at his desk.
"They're assholes!" Puck says, "They deserved it!"
"They may be annoying, but you shouldn't have slashed their tires." Mr Schue says.
"But you said we should get back at them." Puck argues, and Mr Schue fumbles before sighing.
"Just get jobs and pay Miss Corcoran back, okay?" Mr Schue says, Finn and Puck nod, before leaving.
X-X-X-X-X
Mr Schue enters the choir room with a weirdly happy smile on his face, "Why are you so happy?" Finn asks.
"Well, I know what this week's assignment is." Mr Schue says writing something on the board, "Funk. Use it in a sentence." The kids are quiet, "Come on. Rachel?"
"This cheese smells funky." Rachel says unenthusiastically.
"That's because it's from-unda cheese." Puck says, doing a lude hand gesture.
"Shut it, Puckerman!" Rachel retorts.
"Okay. Okay." Mr Schue says, "I was thinking more along the lines of… vocal adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk."
"I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week." Kurt says staring blankly at the floor.
"What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats?" Mr Schue asks, "New directions is about to make their funk the P-Funk. We are going to get funked up." The kids look confused, "The only way to do that is to beat them at regionals. Vocal adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine, a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And vocal adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So, you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn McKinley high into… funky town!"
Some of the kids laugh, "You guys can relax, I got this one covered." Mercedes says.
"Cool." Mr Schue says.
"Hold on a second." Quinn says, "I-I want a chance to get funky, too." The new directions laugh.
"Good one, Quinn." Mercedes says, "It even sounds funny when you say it."
"You said funk was about soul and anger." Quinn says, "I have plenty of both. Look at me. Look at my life. I'm furious!"
"Let's be honest. When white people try to be funky, you end up with KC and the sunshine band." Mercedes says.
The kids laugh, "I love boogie shoes." Artie says.
"Mercedes' racism aside, I will have something prepared tomorrow."
"All right, Quinn goes first." Mr Schue says. The bell rings and the kids get up and leave, "Rachel, can I see you in my office?" Rachel walks into the office and sits down, "You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard."
"I want him to eaten by a lion." Rachel says.
Mr Schue sighs, "Jesse, cared about you."
"No, he didn't." Rachel says, "Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd love my will to live, and then new directions would have no chance at winning regionals. It's textbook, you destroy the heart of the team's heart, and you destroy the team."
"Look, I know it's hard, but I need you on you're a-game." Mr Schue says, "You'll feel 1000x better once you've beat in at regionals."
Rachel stands up, "I guess your right." She says, "But it still hurts." She leaves.
X-X-X-X-X
"Right, left and flip, okay?" Terri says to Puck and Finn as she demonstrates how to fold a sheet.
"Can I go shirtless under this apron?" Puck asks.
"Look, I only hired you two losers because I'm desperate to increase my quarterly sales and you'll work for less than immigrants." Terri says, "As I'm sure you know, Mr Schuester and I are now officially divorced. I mean, I'm sure he talks about it all the time." Puck and Finn share a confused look, "Anyway, I'm on my own now. And I need to make manager by then end of the year so I can maintain my lifestyle."
"Terri, that guy who gave me Bell's palsy is back again today." Howard says from behind Terri.
"So?" Terri asks, "Help him. He's our best costumer." Terri walks off.
Howard approaches Finn and Puck, "You need to go help him."
"But she just told you to do it." Finn says.
"I have got seniority over you two losers, which means you have to what I say." Howard says.
"Well, then I need to kick your ass." Puck says.
"Bamboo!" a voice calls from across the shop. Howard smiles before walking off, "You two… apron boys." The man, Sandy, gestures from them to come over, they walk over.
"You're not gonna fondle us, are you, Mr Ryerson?" Puck asks.
"I've recently redone my bathroom as an homage to Miss Jayne Mansfield." Sandy says, and the boys look confused, "Pink. It's all pink. This is amaranth pink. I need rose pink."
"But this is all the pink that we have." Finn says.
"Wrong answer." Sandy says, "Did they change the name of this place of Losers N' Things? Did everyone in the whole world die so they had to give these jobs to you two morons? And where's my Muzak? How am I supposed to shop without my Kenny G?" he claps his hands as Puck walks off, "Let's go! Crank it!" Puck turns the stereo on, and a song start.
"In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey. Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie…"
Terri walks over and turn the music down, she looks over to see Puck, with his eyes shut, pretending to play the guitar, "I thought Jews were supposed to be smart." She says, "Go restack the space heaters."
"Mrs Schuester, can you show me how to fold this again?" Finn asks and Terri looks at him with love heart eyes, seeing Mr Schue, "Mrs Schuester?"
"Oh, I'm sorry." Terri says, "Yes, sure. Of course. How old are you?"
"Sixteen." Finn says.
"Oh." Terri says, and Finn smiles.
Finn and Terri are in the back as Finn is trying to learn who to fold. He almost does it, but doesn't, "I'm sorry, Mrs Schuester, my heart's not in this. This whole vocal adrenaline thing's really getting me down, and I have to come up with this funk number for glee, and I have like, less than zero ideas, and I-"
"Glee?!" Terri asks, "God, this club is like toxic mould on my life. I'm sorry. What am I doing? This is exactly how I destroyed my marriage. I have this compulsive need to crush other people's dreams."
"Yeah, that's what Mr Schue said." Finn says, Terri looks at him with a shock expression, "I mean, I think you're awesome, though. I mean, look how hard you are trying to help me fold a sham. And you'd be a total milf if it weren't for the whole faking the mother thing."
"You're very sweet." Terri says, "You could be my second chance." Finn frowns, "I'm gonna change. I don't have to stay in this post-divorce funk forever, right?"
"Yeah." Finn says, "Yeah, right, I guess."
"Well, then I am going to help you with your glee assignment." Terri says, "Okay, you said you needed a funk song, right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, so, we'll type funk into the iTunes, and we'll see what comes up." Terri says sitting in front of the computer.
"I never thought of that." Finn says sitting next to Terri.
"Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn to assistant assistant manager." Terri says, "You'll report to him from now on." Howard looks shocked, "Do you have a problem with that?" Howard sighs before shuffling out.
"Wow, thanks." Finn says.
"I believe in you, Finn." Terri says with a smile.
X-X-X-X-X
"Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side." Mr Schue says, "So, take it away."
Quinn sighs, "For some for us… just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives. And you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the man."
"Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there." Mercedes whispers.
"Hearing people call you fat." Quinn says, "Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you have to stop and hold that precious life and say no." a group of pregnant girls walk in and stands behind Quinn.
"This is offensive." Artie whispers, "Who are these girls?"
"We're the unwed mothership connection." Quinn says, "And that's what we're here to sing about."
"This is a man's world, this is a man's world, but it wouldn't be nothing, nothing, without a woman or a girl…"
When the song ends everyone, but Mercedes, get up and hug Quinn.
X-X-X-X-X
Mr Schue walks down the hall a few nights after he stood Sue up. As he turns the corner he hears a girl sobbing, "Santana, are you, all right?" Mr Schue asks when he notices it's Santana.
Santana has her hair down and a box of tissues and is sobbing. She walks away from Mr Schue and slides down the wall and crumples into a ball. Then Mr Schue notices all the cheerios look like messes. Their hair is messy, most are crying, and some have their uniforms on wrong.
"Kurt, what is going on around here?" Mr Schue asks his student.
"Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed." Kurt says, in this cheerios uniform, but he looks normal, "We haven't had practice in days. I'm fine because I have glee, but these kids have sort of lost it." They walk past two messy looking cheerios, "No nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships. And the rest are just depressed and confused." As if on que, Blaine walks past, hair messy and shirtless, "It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester, she doesn't need another trophy, but some of these kids, they really do."
"No!" May yells running after JBI, "Wait! No, love me!" JBI screams and continues to run.
Mr Schue quickly walks to the choir room.
"Mr Schue." Finn says as Mr Schue enters, "Puck and I would like to show the class the true meaning of funk. With a little help from our special guest Mercedes." the new directions clap, while Mr Schue watching with concern as Santana doesn't know how to sit down, and Blaine just sits on the floor.
"Fasten your seat belts, people." Puck says, "It's going to be a funky ride."
"Yeah. Can you feel it, baby? Come on, swing it. Come-come on, swing it…"
"All right." Mr Schue says, as the new directions clap, when the song finishes, "Great job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but that is a rap song."
"A kick-butt old school rap song." Puck says.
"Does it really matter, Mr Schue?" Artie says, "We're so clinically depressed, we're doing the wrong songs. We're in a deeper funk than ever."
X-X-X-X-X
Quinn is sitting in the library doing homework, when Mercedes enters and sits across from her, "Mercedes, I'm so sorry." Quinn says.
"You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how it feels sometimes." Mercedes says.
"For nine months." Quinn says, "You've had to deal with this your whole life. People making assumptions, calling you names. I seriously can't understand why don't feel like yelling at people all the time."
"What's the point in getting angry?" Mercedes asks.
"Because it's infuriating." Quinn says, "I hate all the looks at school. Don't even get me started on Puck's mom."
"You're not angry." Mercedes says, "You're hurt. You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage. Get to the pain beneath it. So, it's decided. Saturday you move out of Puck's house, and you move in with me." Quinn is stumped for words, "I already talked to my mom about it. My brother went off to college and we have an extra room."
"Mercedes." Quinn says with a smile.
"It's cool." Mercedes says, "Us sisters got to stick together, right?" Mercedes lifts up her fist, and Quinn bumps it, they both laugh.
X-X-X-X-X
Rachel is walking down the stairs when her phone rings, "Hello?" She asks picking up the phone.
"Meet me out in the parking lot." A voice says through the phone. Rachel smiles running out to the parking lot. She looks around to see Jesse standing in the parking lot, waving at her. She smiles and runs towards him, when she gets close an egg hits the back of her head. Soon, all of vocal adrenaline are throwing eggs at her, all but Jesse.
"I hear you're a vegan, Berry." Giselle says, "The souls of those poor egg foetuses are all on your conscience now." She laughs, then notices Jesse hasn't thrown his egg yet, "Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?"
Jesse walks up to Rachel, "Do it." She says, "Break it like you broke my heart."
"I loved you." Jesse says, before breaking the egg against her head, he quickly walks off. Vocal adrenaline laugh at Rachel.
X-X-X-X-X
"And now I just keep having nightmares of all the mothers of the little baby chicks coming after me for revenge." Rachel says to the new directions.
"Oh, this is bull!" Puck yells, "Finn, Mike, Blaine, Matt, come with me."
The boys stand up, "Right on." Finn says, "It's time for less talking and more punching."
"Hey, what's going on?" Mr Schue asks when entering the choir room.
"We're on our way to go all Braveheart on vocal adrenaline." Finn says as he and boys walk towards the door.
"Guys, violence is never the answer." Mr Schue says.
"It is when the question is 'what's best way to mess up that Jesse kid's face?!'" Puck says.
"Mr Schue, Rachel's one of us." Kurt says, "We're the only ones who get to humiliate her." The guys walk towards the door.
"Stop!" Mr Schue yells the guys stop, "Get back in and sit down!" no one moves, but Kurt walks right back into the choir room and sits down, "Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what vocal adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that."
"We can't just let vocal adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelette." Finn says.
"We're not." Mr Schue says, "Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone." Rachel reaches into her bag and immediately hits a number.
"You haven't deleted his number yet?" Blaine asks.
"Jesse St. James?" Mr Schue asks, "Will Schuester here. You and vocal adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3 sharp." He hangs up the phone.
X-X-X-X-X
"Thanks for coming." Rachel says, to vocal adrenaline who are sitting in the auditorium, "After your brazen escalation of our growing dispute, which we were willing to put to rest, we decided the only way to truly funkify you is to show you the one thing we know you can't do. So, enjoy."
"Roof off, we're gonna tear the roof off the mother sucker, tear the roof off the sucker…"