Unwanted Guests
Part 2
"Even though we patched things up ourselves, it would just be a waste not to give this thing a try."
Kazuma stares at the handwritten receipt from the store where he can see both his and Megumin's name on top with the listed purchases they made:
Quick Healing Potions x5 - 5000 eris
Healing salves x5 - 10000 eris
The Vessel of Lilith - Your next paycheck ;)
I really want to tear this apart! But even if it does work then I'll just return it the next day saying nothing happened. It's not like they could tell... probably.
Kazuma pulls out his dagger and began cutting the seals keeping the half slotted box together. His heart was beginning to quicken its pace just before he cuts the last one, expecting for the 'love curse' to suddenly unleash.
"... nothing. Perhaps the container itself is doing most of the work." Kazuma places the dagger down then grabs both sides of the upper half.
Just as he's about to lift the box up Kazuma pauses, Wait. I haven't even told Megumin about this thing yet. AHH! THERE'S NO WAY I CAN TELL HER ABOUT THIS! She'll think that I'm trying to take advantage of her! I'll-I'll just say I thought it looked cool and that it would set the mood tonight... probably shouldn't say that last part. It's not like it would matter anyway once this thing take effect.
Kazuma takes in a deep breath shaking any doubts in his mind then proceeds to lift the box again.
What's this incredible feeling of guilt just now?
I-I know I said she might think I'm trying to take advantage of her but that's not what this really is, right? It's not like I'm forcing anything, even though she won't know what it will do to us. I mean we both have feelings for each other, right? This object only just intensifies the emotions so i-i-it's not like I'm drugging us with a love potion, right!?
But Wiz said it influences emotions, which means it makes us feel compelled to these emotions. Oh god, that practically IS a love potion! WHY THE HELL DID I BUY THIS THING!?
With shaking hands, Kazuma slaps both sides of his face. Keep it together! I'm already this far, and if it just turns out to be too much then I'll just toss the thing out the room.
With new found resolve, the adventurer spits in both his hand before rubbing them together. Taking both sides again and putting up a mental guard, he begins lifting the box up all the way until it finally dislodges from the bottom half.
And then proceeds to immediately slams it back down.
What the FUCK is that thing!? Is that a demon's take on love!?
Kazuma trembles as he pulls off the box again to take another look. There was no amount of effort he could make to hide the sheer disgust upon looking at the object.
What lays inside is what might've appeared to be a candle holder. But the wax, if that's what it is, is molded into a gaunt face with pressed sockets where the eyes should be and a horrible open stretched mouth with little teeth dotting along the sides. It has long, thin arms in a cross grabbing its own face like it was petrified in mid scream.
Needless to say, there is nothing remotely romantic about this zombie-like candle thing.
"I really don't want to touch it, the more I look at it the more I keep thinking that isn't wax at all. There's not even a wick..."
Using the packing paper as a glove, Kazuma lifts the object from the box and places it on top of the receipt he previously laid down to keep it safe. He steps back while wiping the hand he touched it with on himself and gave it another good luck.
Nope, still terrifying. And I don't even feel anything at all! Was this a just a prank or something? Or does it have to work with at least two people in the room?
Ugh, but still! How could something so horribly ugly can stir up romance? Let alone if me and Megu... make a child together.
Kazuma gulps then drops to his knees in a prayer. Look, I'll take back everything I said about you if you can actually get us to pull this off tonight! So please work!
Knock Knock
"Kazuma~"
"Just a sec!" he calls out before hopping onto his bed, trying out a pose to best fit the mood. "Come in."
"What were you doing in here before I-"
Megumin stops midway as she enters the room.
"What the hell is that?"
"It's a... gift! From Wiz."
"No, that pose you're making. It's really creepy, please stop."
Guess the curse isn't an instant spell.
"And what the hell is this!?" Megumin walks closer to inspect the object but stops a few feet away as if she's expecting it to suddenly jump at her. "Are you trying to scare me away?"
"Of course not! Wiz said it's suppose to, uh-help with sleep!" he carelessly said.
"How!? By scaring the nightmares away!?" Megumin exclaims, "And you're not seriously implying leaving this thing here while we're cuddling?"
Kazuma grits his teeth. As much as he really wants to get rid of the damn object too, this supposed love curse could be what he really needs to help him go all the way with Megumin especially with how confidant Vanir is of it happening. Kazuma would often throw his offer usually as a tease or a joke to Megumin to get her flustered but when seriously considering it his body starts to shake nervously and his fears of what would happen if he can't get it up because of it in front of her. No amount of shame would ever top that.
Either way, if the object turns out to be a bust it's not like it would happen if it wasn't here in the first place.
Kazuma smirks and decides to cast his bait. "Throwing away a gift is considered rude from where I'm from and I promised Wiz to give it a try, so if you really don't like it then I'm not forcing you to stay."
"What are you-?" Megumin falters before composing herself again, "Are you trying to get me to say 'I don't want to be alone tonight' or something embarrassing like that?"
No, but that would be very cute.
"I understand if you're too scared of the statue to spend some alone time with the one you love. If it really comes to that then I guess I'll spend my alone time with-ooph!" Kazuma was swiftly met with small pillow smacking him in the face.
"Don't you dare question my resolve!" Megumin's eyes flares while pointing at Kazuma who was expecting more of a bashful reply. "I, Megumin of the Crimson Demon Clan, Master of the ultimate magic, and Slayer of the Demon Generals will not be torn apart from her beloved by some ugly object from that cow tittied lich! Now move over!"
"What's with that manly reply!? Don't you know anything about foreplay!?"
"I said MOVE!"
~/~
After the rather, heated moment that played out. The two are laying on the bed wrapped together by Kazuma's blanket. With his body behind hers, Kazuma wraps his arms around the young mage as she holds onto his arms gently around her neck. Sharing such a tender moment with each other would cause an intimate tension between the two as they bond over the embrace.
Except all forms of anticipation and excitement were sucked out of the room by the grotesque object they could not pry their eyes from.
"I think I saw it moved." Megumin muttered.
"Please don't make jokes like that."
Half an hour had come to pass when the two join the bed together with Kazuma hoping the curse would eventually take in effect. But as time went on, it was becoming more and more clear that this object is only succeeding the complete opposite of what it was suppose to do.
"Have you been having trouble sleeping lately?" Megumin inquired about his earlier false claim.
"Of course not, everyone knows a woman by his side is the best treatment for sleep."
Megumin tried to hide her smile from him at the comment, though Kazuma was more focus on saying it to shut down further questions. He still made a mental high five with himself for coming up with a smooth line.
"Can I at least cover it with something?" she continued.
"Good idea, try using your shirt."
Well that pretty much nullified the last comment.
"As if! Why don't you use your shirt!?"
"Oh? Does Megumin want her Kazuma to strip-hurk!" A sharp elbow into his ribs said otherwise.
"Megumin wants her Kazuma to get rid of that damn thing."
"R-right..." Kazuma painfully exhales before rising up. He grabs the upper half of the box while making a mental note to get back at Vanir for selling him a dud object.
Huh? Kazuma pauses as he looks at the inside of the box to discover it completely covered in similar seals from the ones on the outside.
That's a bit overkill, it didn't do anything-
Creak.
Kazuma turns his head to his bedroom door that just opened ajar.
He turns back to look at Megumin who is already turned over with his blanket over her head, seemingly unaware of the door sound. Kazuma snaps his head back when the door suddenly closes causing them both to jump.
"W-what are you doing!?" Megumin bolted upright staring at Kazuma.
"Nothing! Someone was just peeking in on us! It must've been that pervert noble trying to catch us in an act!" Tossing the box aside, Kazuma storm towards the door.
"Darkness? Wait, Kazuma-!"
Bursting out into the hallway, Kazuma turns to his left just in time to hear her turning around the corridor at the far end.
"You can't run from me, damn it! You live here!" Kazuma begins his chase to punish the peeping tom.
"Kazuma!" Megumin shouted after him but to no avail.
Following the sound of the footsteps, Kazuma chases after the Crusader while trying to plan a revenge that wouldn't end up pleasing the masochist in anyway.
He enters another hallway where it splits again, the footsteps stopped but he could see a hand touching the corner at the end before slipping away.
"Is she enjoying this?"
"Kazuma!"
He turns back around to the young mage running after him.
After taking a moment to regain her breath she scowls, "How could you leave me alone with that thing?"
"But she… she started it!"
Megumin grabs onto his arm, "I don't care! That'll teach you next time to not lock the door."
You were the one to enter last. Kazuma frowns as he and Megumin both started to head back.
"Kazuma!"
He froze.
"Where did you go? I can barely see out here."
That voice. Its Megumin's. But its distant, a few halls away.
But that couldn't be. Because she's right… next to him…
"Ah there you are!" His head jerks up to look but her voice is still distant. He could feel the grip on his arm tightening.
"You got a lot of nerve leaving me like that-? Is something wrong?"
Kazuma slowly turns to the Megumin behind him, now holding a curved knife her face hidden in the shadows.
"AHHHH!" Kazuma screams as the imposter swings its knife at him.
He ducks just in time then follows up with a kick into its stomach, knocking the imposter back onto the floor.
Kazuma books it shouting out to Megumin, "That's not me! Get out of there!"
"Wha-AAAAH!" Kazuma turns the corner to see another imposter looking like him taking a swipe at the girl running away.
"Over here idiot!" Kazuma cried.
The impostor Kazuma turns around. Its face mostly obscured from the shadows except two bloodshot eyes. Raising a dagger it starts running after him instead.
"H-hey don't take it personal, if anything I should be more offended than-woah!" Kazuma jumps back as Fake Megumin charges at him.
He runs as he hears the two wildly swishing their daggers around after him.
Megumin should be able to find the others soon, but I gotta lose them before I hit a dead end!
Kazuma skids to halt just as he loses view of them and immediately enters the first door he could find, closing it the best he could without making a sound.
He pressed his back against it waiting to see if the impostors will try barging in. But their footsteps just went pass and faintly disappeared as they get farther away.
Trembling down to his knees, he walked towards the bed before collapsing on top.
Where the hell did they come from? Aqua's barrier around the house should've prevented any undead and spirits from coming in.
Kazuma knew the fake copies as Doppelgangers from Wiz. They are spirits that take on the form of adventurers to surprise them. While they don't mimic their abilities, they can replicate their voices perfectly to trick separated party members. Getting killed by someone wearing your own face is more macabre than
Kazuma slips underneath the blanket feeling like an eight year old afraid his leg will be grabbed from underneath.
I'll just hide in here until the sunrise… huh? This smell…
Kazuma presses his face against the bed.
This is… Megumin's bed.
Megumin!
Kazuma bolts up clutching his head after realizing that there might be more Doppelgangers in the mansion.
If she got to Aqua then she'll be safe! But, what if there is another lurking around? And knowing that useless goddess she would easily fall for their tricks even if she was staring at herself! And Megumin can't defend herself without using Explo-SHIT, she'll blow up the mansion!
Kazuma places both his hands down on the bed readying to charge out. But pauses once he felt something with his right.
"!? This is…"
Megumin barges into her room and slams the door shut behind her. Panting heavily, she presses her ear against the frame listening for footsteps. After a few seconds of nothing, she drops to the floor sniffling.
"Ka-Kazuma…"
"Ah, Megu!?"
Her eyes widened with joy as she looks up, "Kazuma-huh?"
Megumin stares at the man she loves who is currently sitting upon her bed with her black panties stretched across his head.
Please be the imposter. Kazuma pleaded.
"Yup," Megumin monotones while staring daggers at him, "that's my Kazuma. Despicable Kazuma."
~/~
"To think that you would seriously take advantage of this moment to raid my personal quarters."
The two adventurers are now hiding underneath the bed watching the space beneath the door closely for anyone passing through.
"I wasn't! I just happened to pick the first room I could find!"
"Oh, so you would do the same in Darkness'?"
"That's not what I meant!"
"I was being chased by these Doppelgangers while my beloved was indulging himself on my belongings. I suppose I'm to believe that you were going to wear my panties to disguise yourself from them?"
"T-this isn't the time to-"
"I agree! This wouldn't be the time for you to stuff your face in my underwear!"
"Shh! Keep it down! I'm sorry, okay!"
The two paused as they try to listen in for any quick footsteps heading to their area.
"... we're clear. But why would Doppelgangers come to our home?"
Megumin shot Kazuma a quizzical glance before saying, "Really? Nothing comes to mind other than that hideous statue from a lich?"
"I-" Kazuma opens his mouth to protest but realizes how the statue wasn't performing what it should've done and how there was an absurd amount of seals inside and outside the box.
That would explain everything, but then why did they waited until Darkness-
"Oh shit! Did you find Darkness before you ran here?"
"Of course not, she isn't home."
"... what?"
"She left this morning because her family was invited to a dinner party."
"And she didn't invite us?"
"Would you?"
Fair point. Then the peeping tom wasn't her at all. They were trying to separate us and like an idiot I fell for it!
"Were you able to find Aqua at least? She should be making short work of those-"
"She got arrested."
"What!?"
"She was caught with a few Axis cult followers for trying to publicly dissuade people from attending the Church of Eris by spreading lies about the priest's love life. Which was personally taken care of by Darkness, before she departed. You didn't notice their absence during dinner?"
Kazuma thought back and realized how uncannily quiet the meal was. Though his thoughts were switching between his excitement for the night, the swindle of his 3 million eris share, and watching the lips that were on his cheek enjoying his food.
You mean to tell me, that we finally have the entire place to ourselves the entire night. And the only person who got in the way and placed both our lives in danger because I wanted to sleep with Megumin is me?
"Tch," Kazuma clutches his face to hide his grimace from her. But the Archwizard caught him in the act.
"I'm sorry…"
"Hey, it's not your fault."
It is. It's literally no one else's fault.
"You wouldn't have known that thing would cause this. You wouldn't willingly put us in danger, and you wouldn't hesitate to offer your life to stop it. Just before you saved my life by warning me and grabbing both their attention so I could get away. Thats what I love about you.
"And to be honest, I was so scared of seeing that thing wearing your face trying to hurt me. I was so afraid and worried, unsure if I were to run into you or the fake Kazuma. But seeing you in here, wearing my panties on your head-
Ack!
"I was annoyed but seeing you being yourself was really comforting too. So I'll just consider it a reward for saving me… but next time you should've ask-"
Kazuma somberly stares at the floor listening to her every word. But the last part took him a good minute to register causing his head to snap up to look at her.
"Wait, what did you just say?"
"Nothing!"
"Say it again."
"I was annoyed but relieved?"
"Not that part! After that!"
"If you knew what I said then why are you making me repeat it!?"
"Because I want to hear you say it!"
Both of them jumped as the door to the room slams open.
"Darkness blacker than black and darker-mmph!"
"Don't blow us up too!" Kazuma whispers while keeping the short fuse shut, "They haven't notice us under the bed, wait for them to walk around then we run... now!"
Kazuma dives forward and pulls Megumin out from under the bed before the two impostor spirits were able to react. The two residents ran down the halls alongside each other until Megumin tries to turn towards the stairs to the main entrance only to be pulled away by Kazuma.
"Where are we going!?" she cries.
"If the Doppelgangers were here because of that damn statue then putting it back in the box should make them disappear!"
"Are you sure!?"
"That's usually how horror movies work!"
"Horror what? That doesn't sound-gah!"
"Megumin!" Kazuma pulls her forward and kicks back the Fake Megumin who nearly had took a slice at her back.
The Fake Kazuma emerges from the corner behind it with slow, jerky movements.
"Get to my room and put that stupid thing back in the box!" Kazuma shouted to her.
"What are you-"
"I'll slow them down! Go!"
Megumin gave him a mixed expression of worry and admiration before running off without a word.
The two impostors stares at Kazuma as they slowly walk towards him, scratching the walls with their dagger which only served to irritate him more than feel scared. Just who do they think this house belongs to?
Physical attacks are less effective. I can hit them but without a weapon I won't be able to kill them. They're susceptible to magic but I only know Basic Magic. I'll just have to survive as long as I can!
Kazuma holds up his arm which causes the impostors to suddenly start charging at him.
"Create Water!" a jet of water blasts out of his hand, covering the entire hall and hitting the impostors but did no effect to impede their assault. He holds out his other hand and shouts, "Freeze!"
A coat of ice glazes over the wet surfaces of the floor. The Fake Kazuma slips and face smacks against the ice causing Kazuma to cringe at watching himself taking the hard fall.
The Fake Megumin was quick however and jumped before the ice reaches her. Using the momentum of the jump, she lands back down and slides toward Kazuma before taking a swing.
"She's even more useful than the real one!" Kazuma dodges the attack, but missed the follow-up as the dagger twirls in her hand before pulling it back and cutting across his right arm.
"Urk!" Kazuma jumps back, clutching his now bleeding arm. Fortunately the cut isn't deep but he could see the other Faker slowly getting back up.
Holding out his good arm towards the Fake Megumin and looking at the dagger she's holding, he shouts "Steal!"
A bright light flashes in his hand, he smirks for finally getting the advantage he needed for this fight... except his smile went away when he felt a familiar clothing material.
A black A-cup bra.
"Why am I like this?" Kazuma groans.
The Fake Megumin, undisturbed by it's missing undergarment, charges at him. Kazuma moves to the side but pull both ends of the bra straps over the arm that is holding the weapon. He twists them in place and forcefully throws the impostor over his shoulder and slams her against the ground. The dagger came flying out of her hand far to the hall away from them.
As Kazuma turns to the direction of where the blade went, another dagger was sent flying cutting partially into his hand and the bra by the Fake Kazuma. The Fake Megumin then spins with a kick sweeping him off his feet before landing hard on the back of his head.
He struggles to get up but got slammed back to the ground by the Fake Megumin with both his arms pinned down by her legs. She forces both her hands around his neck and began squeezing him. Kicking his legs frantically, Kazuma tries to choke out any spells he could use to help him but the pressure on his throat could only let out a gag.
This could be it then...
At least... I'm going out... with a nice view... He tilts his head slightly at the area between her legs close to him.
As his sight begins to blur, Kazuma notices a strange streak of blue flickering at the edges of his peripheral vision. The color brightens intensely and suddenly felt the pressure around his throat to loosen.
He lets out a cough and takes in the sweet air before his vision came back to reveal the impostor that is on top of him is now consumed in blue flames. It lets out a screech as it waves its arms around until the flames eats up every inch of its body until nothing is left. Kazuma leans up and looks back down the hall to see the evil version of himself was also being consumed by the same flames before collapsing on the now wet floor.
After witnessing the haunting image of himself being burned alive by weird magical flames, Kazuma lays back down taking a moment to process the mortality of his life and how he almost traded it for a haunted object that was suppose to help him get laid.
"Kazuma!" he hears the familiar cry of his name down the hall.
"Yes, I'm Kazuma." He sits up to meet Megumin who is now holding the box containing the ugly statue hoarding the evil spirits. She places down the box then tackles him with a hug.
"Hey! You should warn me before hugging me like that! It's kind of embarrassing..." Kazuma's face flushes before Megumin's face pressing against his cheek.
Heh, well I guess it is proper reward for a hero like me... eh?
"H-hey, Megumin. You're kind of... hurk! Squeezing too tight!"
"Kazuma..." His blood ices over by the sound of her voice sharpened like a knife. "What is this?"
Still keeping him in a tight lock, she holds out a piece of paper next to his face. His widened when he recognizes the receipt listing the item he bought but told Megumin was a gift.
"I-I can explain-hurk! P-please! I couldn't-!"
The doorbell to their estate rang breaking Megumin's concentration on her grip giving Kazuma the moment he needed to run. "Hey! Get back here!"
He grabs the box and flees downstairs. "I'm just going to return this now! I'll be back, promise!" he lies.
After reaching the entrance, he slams open the front door only to be greeted by the bright sun that was now emerging from the distance.
"Ah, you're still alive. Good!" Vanir smiles.
Kazuma rubs his eyes, taken back by the amount of time lost and the Ex-Demon General making an odd greeting to him. Feeling the rage clawing its way up his throat, Kazuma points at the masked man.
"YOU!"
"Yes, I am me."
"That's my line! You and Wiz told me that this object was suppose to make us intimate to each other! But all we got was a real life slasher film!"
"I have no idea what this 'film' you speak of is, but I am here to regretfully inform you that there was a... slip up, if you will." Vanir gave a smile like he just discovered he put on a pair of different socks on.
"Hah?"
"The object you have there is actually an old cursed relic that is used as an assassination attempt between feuding nobles by releasing vengeful spirits in their homes by disguising it as a gift. I'm rather surprised that the two of you would encounter such trouble, considering it would only trigger when you place a name of the targets underneath it."
Kazuma pales when he remembers the receipt containing both his and Megumin's name that he placed the relic on.
"But given it's unsightly appearance, it hasn't really gotten much use. As you may recall, I was taking inventory of all the products Wiz has in store. And I discovered that foolish woman placed both this object and the one you were told what it was in similar boxes with no distinguishable labels. How that woman wasn't chased out of town or put to a burning stake before I arrived is still a mystery to me...
"I also regret to inform you the Vessel of Lilith was actually sold a long time ago, though I imagine you had your share of such relics. Now we can perform the transaction now if you would please show me the receipt."
"... here..."
"And the unopened product?"
"HUH!?"
"A jest! Oh don't look at me like that. If you and the Comedian mage girl are still interested in siring a child remember, my contract offer still stands." With the box under his arm, Vanir turns to leave while giving him a wave goodbye. "Though judging the murderous expression of her face, perhaps tomorrow then!"
Kazuma slowly turns to face the boiling, explosive red-eyed mage standing there during the entire conversation.
"You... bought the cursed object that nearly tried to kill us... just because you're too much a wimp to ask for sex!?"
"D-don't say it like that! And I didn't know it would try to kill us-I mean, I would never buy it if I knew-wait, so I can ask?"
"KAZUMA!" The Crimson Demon lunges forward.
"AHHHH!"
~/~
Yunyun knocks on the door to the estate. "Megumin! I-I want to apologize for yesterday! I shouldn't have bothered you and I... would appreciate if you apologize back, i-if you want!"
After not receiving an answer, Yunyun remembers what Kazuma said yesterday and opens the door. She freezes in place when she was met with the foyer covered in scratches, broken furniture, and holes.
Sensing it to be a break in, Yunyun charges in readying a spell in her hands. "Megumin!? Kazuma!? Are you two okay!? What-ugh!"
The young girl stops when she reaches the living room to find the disheveled, scratched up couple lying on top of each other sleeping peacefully. Kazuma's hand that was previously grabbing Megumin's hair was now resting on it. Megumin's head is resting upon his chest drooling with her arms that were previously trying to strangle him now laying over his shoulders.
What was obviously the result of a battle between the two looks more like a lovingly show of embrace to the guest. Yunyun's eyes began to well up in frustration before storming out of the place. "AHHH-nevermiiiind!"
Megumin raises her head to watch the sobbing girl disappearing into the distance before letting out a giggle.
"Another victory."
Author's notes
Apologies to anyone who were expecting a sexy time between the two. I am going for a comedy first, romance second approach with the story. That being said, it wouldn't necessarily mean I will not include sex in later additions... probably...
But I hope you enjoy this chapter. More will be on the way but will take considerably longer due to work and school. Thanks for reading!