Sirius opened the door of the infirmary having returned much later than he had expected. The sun was already rising behind the horizon and he knew his friends would be there. The room was only dimly lit but he could make out the tall boy lying on the bed and the unruly haired boy draping a blanket over him and the shortest boy patting his head slowly. As if their minds were connected, the three pairs of eyes turned towards Sirius in sync.
Remus's green eyes were glistening with tears, Sirius could see how betrayed he felt. He took a step towards his friends but stopped when Remus closed his eyes and turned towards Peter, his back facing Sirius and James. Remus hid his face behind Peter who was sitting on Remus's bed, and Peter quickly wrapped his arms around a shaking Remus.
"Moony," Sirius's voice was barely a whisper, his heart dropped to his stomach. He wanted to explain himself, but his words were caught in his throat. He carefully looked around for another occupied bed, his brain already thinking of the worst-case scenarios.
"It would be best if you leave right now," James's voice was loud and clear, it made Sirius flinch. He noticed how James wasn't even looking at him. Disgust? Was that the emotion flashed on James's face right now? Or was Sirius reading him wrong?
"Prongs –,"
"Sirius leave," James had not used his name ever since he had given him his nickname. Sirius stood frozen in the infirmary, there was lump forming at the back of his throat, he could feel an unbearable ache at the back of his head behind his ears as he tried to contain his tears.
Sirius turned around swiftly and rushed out of the infirmary, closing the door behind himself as softly as possible. He had lost his friends after all. His mother was absolutely right, he was a monster and a disappointment and no one could love him.
Sirius was sitting on the window pane when the door of the room opened with a loud bang, making him jump. He had never seen James angrier and it was scary. He immediately stood up from the window pane and walked over to his – best friend? At least Sirius still considered him one.
"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" James shouted, closing the door behind himself. Sirius flinched at how loud James was. It was Sirius's first-time hearing James as angry as he was, but at least that was good, at least that meant he still cared enough to come here and talk to Sirius.
"Prongs I was angry –" Sirius started; he was barely able to find the right words.
"Was this some kind of twisted prank in your head?" shocked was an understatement, did James really think that low of Sirius?
"Moony hates it! More than anything in this world and you know he would hate himself even more if he hurt another human being, you know that best because you have seen him struggling with this for six years now!"
Sirius hung his head in shame, James was right.
"Does – he hate me?" Sirius barely managed to get the sentence out of his mouth.
"Hate or not, I know it will be very long before anyone is ready to talk to you, so don't make it hard on anyone and especially Moony and just – don't remind him of it," James threw a last glance at Sirius before leaving the room once again. He closed the door so loudly in his wake that it almost felt like the door would come off of its hinges.
Sirius went to Dumbledore's office at the crack of dawn before his classes to give him the letter addressed for him and found Dumbledore scribbling something on the parchment.
"Sirius," Dumbledore looked at Sirius, closing the parchment in front of him. Sirius had walked in this office a lot of times before, almost always with his friends for a detention. It was a little strange to walk in here to hand Dumbledore an important letter.
"I heard there was trouble at the Diagon Alley while you were there, are you alright?" Dumbledore asked calmly, getting up from his seat and walking around the huge table to join Sirius.
"I am alright Professor, here," he pulled out the letter from the pocket of his jacket and stretched out his hand in front of Dumbledore. Dumbledore took it with a polite smile and placed it on the table behind himself.
"Thank you, Sirius," Dumbledore said, Sirius gave him a nod and turned around.
"Sirius?" Dumbledore's voice made Sirius stop dead in his tracks, he looked back at the older man standing in front of him.
"What happened with Severus?" Dumbledore's face was unreadable. Was Sirius going to get expelled? No! He cannot, he cannot go back home. Hogwarts was the only place he could be at peace.
"Professor, I didn't do it intentionally," Sirius could feel the tears burning his eyes. He wanted someone to believe him, just one person!
"I know Sirius, I just want to know your side of the story," Dumbledore walked up to Sirius, patting his back, he looked at Sirius with a gentle smile.
"Sni – Severus was eavesdropping on Peter and Remus when they were discussing Remus's health, he had been doing that a lot lately, but I caught him red-handed. Angrily, I asked him what has he been doing eavesdropping? He told me he knew our secret and he was going to make us suffer, that Remus wouldn't be safe. I lost my temper and gave him the information he was looking for, but it was an accident, I would never expose my best friend like that!" Sirius rambled on, hoping for Dumbledore to believe him.
Dumbledore sighed and spoke calmly, "Had Mr Potter not reached the Shrieking Shack in time, it would have been a terrible night for Severus and your friends. Mr Potter saved not just Severus but Mr Lupin at a great risk of his own life." As if Sirius wasn't guilty enough already, he was being crushed down by the weight of the guilt now.
"You must remember Sirius, anger is your greatest enemy, you must always learn to control it. It takes a moment to let anger take over you and, in that moment, you have given anger the power to destroy your life," Professor Dumbledore explained Sirius.
"Professor – do you think – they will ever forgive me?" Sirius couldn't help but ask; Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he smiled.
"You know your friends better than I do, but I would suggest you to give them the time they need. Everything will be sorted out in time," Dumbledore assured Sirius with another pat on his back.
When Sirius went to look for his friends in the Great Hall during breakfast, his hair was almost as unruly as James's hair, and his dark circles clearly showed he had not slept the whole night; he hadn't even changed out of his clothes from the previous night!
"Moony I am truly sorry –" Sirius stood right behind Peter, he saw James not even looking his way and Remus pushed his plate aside to get up before leaving the place altogether, barely able to walk. James quickly followed Remus and when Peter got up, he looked at Sirius with an apologetical look in his eyes.
"Give him some time," Peter mumbled before following his other two friends quickly. Sirius could hear the whispers and cold stares thrown his way from the rest of the student body.
He turned around; keeping his head low and shoving his hands in his pocket, he made his way out of the Great Hall. He didn't want the curious eyes or the sympathetic eyes on him. He wanted nothing more than to disappear right now!
Classes were unbearable, none of this friends sat with him and he had to take whichever seat was empty. On top of it, he had almost fallen asleep in almost every class and couldn't understand anything that was going on! Somehow after his classes Sirius found himself on the wooden bridge, leaning over the railing, he looked over to the quiet mountains where the trees stood frozen like ghosts and felt the cold breeze on his face. It was unusually cold that day, the weather had suddenly turned without any warning. The trees were softly kissed by the sun light, giving them an orange hue and Sirius found himself pulling his jacket around his body tighter.
It was so silent that when he heard a pair of footsteps approaching, he instantly turned to look at person who was walking to him. On the end of the bridge stood Marlene, even though she was far away and most of her face was covered with the large scarf she was wearing around her neck, Sirius could still make out it was her.
With measured footsteps, Marlene approached Sirius, who stood still as a rock, facing her. At first, neither of them spoke and only looked at each other. Her eyes were the only eyes Sirius didn't shy away from.
Marlene could see how tired and puffy his eyes were, she wondered if it was because of the evident lack of sleep or if he had been crying. "You must be freezing," her voice was barely a whisper, but with the silence around them, her whisper also sounded like she had spoken too loudly.
"I am fine," Sirius's voice cracked, and he averted his eyes away from hers. She took another step closer to Sirius, carefully studying his face. She did not want him to feel as if she was cornering him. All she wanted to know if he was alright, or if he had earned another scar.
"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, his voice was flat and emotionless but his eyes were a different story altogether. She wanted to know why he looked so sad and dejected.
"You asked me if you can have my attention anytime you want, I said yes; so, can I have your attention anytime I want?" Marlene asked, and Sirius instantly looked up before sighing and looking away.
"I am not a good person," he told her, and Marlene knew somehow Sirius actually believed that.
"I think that is for others to decide," Marlene shook her head, still trying to find Sirius's gaze.
"I am a Black," Sirius's voice was barely a whisper and it broke Marlene's heart. Did Sirius really believe in what people talked about his family and about him because he was a Black?
"You are Sirius, you are who you want to be, a family name doesn't make you who you are," her brows furrowed together.
"Let me ask you again, can I have your attention anytime I want?" Marlene waited patiently for Sirius to respond but her heart was already in her mouth. Much to her relief, Sirius slowly nodded without looking away from his feet.
"It's beautiful today, isn't it?" Marlene walked over to the railing and put her hands on the wood as she leaned forward. Sirius's eyes followed her; his lips slightly parted. He didn't understand why she was standing here with him or why she didn't understand that he was indeed just as bad as his family; but at the moment, he was grateful for her company.
"Very," he agreed, his eyes never leaving Marlene's face. He slowly joined her, and she turned her head to give him a shy smile before looking away and it made Sirius's heart skip a beat.
As they walked to the Sundial Garden, Marlene slipped her hand in the pocket of Sirius's jacket where Sirius had his hands in a tight fist. As soon as Sirius felt Marlene's fingertips on his knuckles, his hands relaxed but his heart started pounding. He gulped in hard and tried to keep his features as normal as possible but he knew his ears were already a furious shade of red. Marlene slowly intertwined her fingers with Sirius's cold hands and kept looking straight ahead, even though she knew Sirius had his eyes on her. Sirius tightened his grip on Marlene's hand and smiled to himself.
They both settled against one of the stones of the stone circle and Sirius felt his eyelids growing heavier by the second. Without much thought, he lowered himself further and put his head on Marlene's shoulder.
"Sirius?" Marlene asked in surprise, but Sirius was too tired to react on it.
"Just a few minutes please," his speech was already slurring and he finally let his eyelids drop and his grip on Marlene's hand loosened.
When Sirius woke up, he didn't know how long he had been sleeping. A few minutes? An hour? A day? He was refreshed. His cheek was firmly pressed against Marlene's shoulder and he felt something warm around his neck. He opened his eyes to the bright light but instantly covered them with the back of his hand.
He straightened up to see Marlene closing a book in her hand, her legs stretched out in front of her. Her scarf was missing from around her neck, and then Sirius noticed it was secured around his neck. She smiled at him and turned towards him.
"How long have I been asleep?" Sirius's voice was hoarse.
"A little over two hours," Marlene told him.
"And you just sat there?"
"I was reading."
"You should've woken me up."
"You looked like you could use some rest," Marlene shrugged. Sirius could not believe that Marlene just sat next to him and let him use her shoulder as a pillow.
"How did you get the book?" he pointed towards the book resting on her lap, it looked like a muggle novel.
"Summoning spell," Marlene said as if it was the most obvious thing and Sirius just nodded.
"Your shoulder must be hurting, I am sorry," Sirius apologized earnestly.
"No," Marlene shook her head, it was a little stiff but that would go away once she moved it around.
"And your scarf?" Sirius fumbled with the scarf around his neck. Marlene inclined forward and placed her hand on his to stop any movement; Sirius immediately froze.
"You were cold and shivering, the least I could do was give you the scarf," Marlene told him as if it wasn't a big deal.
Sirius hung his head in shame and spoke, "You shouldn't be this nice to me, I don't deserve it."
"I am not being nice. Don't you think we at least qualify as friends? Wouldn't you do it for your friends? I would," Marlene pulled her hand away from Sirius and straightened up.
"Should we head back now? You haven't eaten anything," Marlene got up from where she was sitting and waited for Sirius.
He could feel a lump forming at the back of his throat. Why wasn't she asking questions? The shift in his mood was an obvious, the way his friends left him in the Great Hall and classes was an obvious too. Was she not curious? Anyone else would have bombarded him with questions by now. He slowly got up and untied the scarf around his neck. Stepping closer to Marlene, he watched as she looked at him from under her lashes. Sirius secured the scarf around her neck, his hands lingering just a moment longer.
"Marlene –" he started; he did not qualify for the kind of treatment she was giving him. She was good, kind, selfless and everything he wasn't and would never be. "I –" what was it that he wanted to tell her?
His eyes studied her face carefully and stopped on her lips. Maybe just once? If he could just know the feeling of her lips against his; he would be able to let her go. Because if he didn't even know it once, he would probably regret it for the rest of his life.
His cold fingertips traced the pale skin of her cheek, sending a shiver down her spine. Slowly, his hands cupped her cheeks and Marlene's breath hitched. Her eyes grew wide and Sirius had to hold back his smile. Feeling his heart pound against his ribcage, Sirius lowered his head.
Marlene closed her eyes and lifted her head to give Sirius full access of her lips. She could feel Sirius's breath on her face as he inched closer to her. Could he hear her heartbeat with how loud it was and how close he was? The butterflies in her stomach erupted just as Sirius's lips brushed against hers. She felt intoxicated on Sirius's musky and pinewood scent, a thousand fireworks went off in her head.
The disgust in his mother's eyes, the disappointment on his father's face, the betrayal in his friends' eyes, the anger on his brother's features. How his mother punished him for his incompetence and every scar he earned for it, his bubbling anger for Snivellus and the way he pushed him against the wall and told his best friend's secret – it all rushed back to him!
Sirius pulled himself back, letting Marlene's face go in an instant. Shock was an understatement. Marlene was as red as a tomato. Sirius couldn't look her in the eyes as he quickly mumbled, "I am sorry, you deserve better than this." He turned around and quickly walked away without as much as a glance at Marlene, who stood there shaking and shocked.
The news spread around Hogwarts fast, with no one to tell who had seen Sirius and Marlene together – kissing. What enraged Sirius even more was that they had barely kissed and the rumours were spreading fast. He wondered if it had reached Marlene's ears. 'Of course, it has!' he thought and let out a loud sigh. Sitting in his room was the only logical thing to do. His friends were sitting outside in the common room, they barely spent anytime near each other. Sirius would often sleep on the couch in the common room to give his friends the space they needed.
When he was returning back to the common room after dinner, he almost bumped into his brother. Sirius couldn't help but smile at the familiar face.
"Regulus, how are you?" Sirius breathed, taking a step towards his brother. His heart swelled up with love for his little brother. Regulus looked happy at Hogwarts, whenever he was surrounded by friends, laughing and enjoying, it made Sirius happy too.
"Can't you come home Sirius?" Regulus mumbled after a long pause. The smile on Sirius's face dropped immediately. Did his brother not understand why Sirius had left home?
"Just apologize to mother and father," Regulus continued and Sirius felt his heart shatter in a million pieces at his brother's words.
"You know why I left Regulus," Sirius tried to reason with his brother.
"You said your friends are better than your family, but look around Sirius! They are not even talking to you. It's your family who always sticks around, not your friends. Mother wasn't wrong," Sirius was shocked at his younger brother's words. He could sense how those weren't Regulus's words but the words fed to him by their mother.
"And Marlene McKinnon? She is a half-blood!" Regulus spat out, making Sirius freeze in his place.
"Blood purity doesn't matter Regulus!" Sirius cried; he wanted his brother to understand that this obsession was wrong. It was claiming innocent lives. A world which a few people want doesn't justify thousands of deaths.
"It does! That is what makes us better than them!" Regulus's brows creased together; he threw his hands up in the air in frustration.
Sirius tried to explain to his little brother as calmly as he could, "No, do you really think we are better than anyone? We are probably a lot worse. Nothing can justify the innocent people dying."
"I've chosen my side brother, and I am asking you to choose your side wisely. Just come back, I know mother will let you," Regulus pleaded after a long silence. Sirius understood in that moment that his brother was too far into the blood purity mania that his family spoke about proudly to understand any other side.
"I have chosen my side too Regulus and I am sticking with it," Sirius replied firmly.
Regulus walked past Sirius only to stop a few inches away from Sirius, their backs at each other. Regulus looked over his shoulder as he spoke from between his teeth, "Just remember that Marlene McKinnon is one of the few that has a target behind their back and it has been long overdue. You getting involved with her only draws much more attention to her."
Sirius spun around quickly to look at Regulus, who was already looking away. Squaring his shoulders, Regulus let Sirius know that he was no longer the brother Sirius used to play with; the innocence was long gone.
"Give it a thought, who truly has your back Sirius, because right now I see you standing alone, with no friends and no family," Regulus completed as he walked away gracefully.