Chapter 3: Numb

Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Trek and I am not making any sort of money off of this.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: None

Edit: 12/22/16 This has finally gone through a beta and has been made better for it.

Jim laid in bed staring at first the ceiling and then the bedroom door. Spock had left hours ago and yet Jim could not sleep. They had spoken to each other. He was too afraid to sleep. What if he woke up and all of this had been a dream? So he stayed awake unable to sleep. Was Spock only doing this for Jim? Was he only doing it to say they had tried to salvage their relationship? Jim didn't know anymore and that scared him more than facing off Nero ever did. He could no longer know what Spock wanted. Jim no longer knew the man he loved.

He jumped as his communicator went off. Slowly he reached for it and pulled it to him. Tapping lightly on the screen his heart skipped a beat before going into over drive.

I know you are still awake Jim. Go to sleep. You will be ineffective at work if you stay up any longer. We will go over possible help in the morning.

Ashayam

Jim pulled the communicator close to his chest. He had changed the name he had listed Spock under after he had learned the word. Maybe he should change it back to Spock? No that would just be one more thing that said they were over. He couldn't give that up. Not yet. Slowly he read the message over again. This was real. It wasn't just his mind playing tricks on him. Sighing Jim found the will to sleep.

It was blissfully dreamless sleep too. He would have to thank the pretty doctor at the clinic for giving him the pills that suppressed his dreams. They didn't always work but when they did he slept soundly. He hadn't been able to do that lately. The three hours Jim got that night was the most he slept in nearly a week. He stretched out and felt everything shift until his body popped. It felt nice.

Sitting up in bed Jim looked down at the communicator he had kept ahold of all night. The message was still there. It hadn't been a dream. Sighing he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. A quick shower and shave later he was ready to go out into the living room. His heart skipped a beat as he stared at his bondmate already dressed and ready to go.

Waiting for something to happen Jim just stared at Spock. When neither could come up with words to say he felt numb. What was pretty words when nothing had changed? Swallowing hard he moved past Spock into the kitchen. He did not feel like eating. He hardly felt like eating anymore. Normally he could get away with skipping breakfast because Spock was already gone before he got up in the morning. He grabbed an apple from the bowl of fruits and started eating it.

"Will that be all you are going to eat?" Spock's voice made him jump. Turning Jim looked at Spock wondering why he had chosen that topic out of a hundred to start with. Maybe because it was easy? It was a place to start.

Jim threw the core away and nodded. "I'll get something a little later at the office. Not really hungry yet." He would have to pick something up. He hated lying to Spock. There are only so many lies you are allowed to have before they start eating at you.

Spock's eyebrow raised as the human fidgeted. "…I see. Would you like me to drive you to work? You are running late and you did not sleep very long last night. We could…get lunch together. Go over our choices. I found a few councilors that seem promising."

He was surprised to say the least. "You…You found that last night?" His voice shook a little. Spock really had listen to him. They could work this out.

"Yes. As you are aware I do not need as much sleep as humans do. We really should get going Jim." Spock moved out of Jim's way as the man cursed and moved to the door.

Jim winced as Spock moved out of his way. He had no one to blame but himself. He was the one who started the no touching rule. It had gotten worst in the last three months. Where it had started as being a foot between them it had grown to nearly three feet since that night he came home.

How they were going to survive a car ride Jim was unsure. However, he led the way to Spock's car and got in the passenger side. He felt his heart race as Spock got in on the other side. He could do this. It was a simple ride to work. It wouldn't kill him. Unless they crashed. As morbid as that was it made him chuckle. The numb feeling easing just a bit. Jim smiled as Spock gave him a questioning look.

"Nothing Spock. Just a really bad joke in my head. Aren't you late for work? You go in before me." This time he shifted so he was sitting facing the other male instead of looking out the window.

A green hue spread across Spock's throat and up his face. "I…may have rearranged my schedule last night so I could drive you in to work this morning." His hands tightening on the wheel of the car.

Jim laughed which only made the green grow darker. He shouldn't be laughing but he hadn't laughed in a long time. "Why Spock I think you might care about me." It was the wrong thing to say as he watched his bondmate close off. He cursed again. "Spock I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." When the other male didn't respond he lean forward and lightly touched his bondmate's arm. His hands shook a little. "Spock. I know you care about me. I know. You would have left already if you didn't. It was meant as a joke and I am sorry I said it."

Spock looked down at the hand that was on his arm. Carefully placed so no skin was touching his own. To prevent the emotions from coming over. He sighed and nodded. "I know Jim." He wished he could take that hand in his own. He knew it would make Jim close off so he kept his hands on the steering wheel.

Both kept silent as they continued the drive. Jim stared out the window the whole time as they drove. Both unable to say a word to each other. As they pulled up to Star Fleet headquarters Jim looked back at Spock. "So…will you be teaching at all today?" He didn't want the last thing Spock heard from him to be him questioning Spock's care for him.

Spock looked at the young man standing there leaning against the open door. "Yes. I will be missing the first two classes but I will teach the third and fourth class before lunch. You still take lunch at noon yes?"

Jim nodded. He would find a way to eat lunch even if it made him sick. "Make it one o'clock. I know your class doesn't end until twelve forty-five. I don't want you to end it early for me. I can take a late lunch."

They stared at each other waiting for the other to say something. Jim cleared his throat and smiled. He waved at Spock before going into headquarters. On his way up to his office he groaned. He would have to eat something because he told Spock he would. Turning he went to the staff lounge where he knew he could swipe a free muffin. Normally he liked muffins but it tasted like ash on his tongue.

Sill Jim finished it as he walked to his office. He set down his things and got to reading the new reports. He had thought he would be done reading reports when he was no longer a captain. Well the good news was he wasn't the one on the other side of these reports fretting over what the higher ups would say. It felt good to make someone else worry for a change.

Looking at the photos that surrounded his office he felt the pang of longing. He missed space. He regretted giving up the enterprise. Everyone had gone their own way when they came back to Earth. They still kept in touch with each other but it wasn't the same. Jim had felt his mind wondering as the clock ticked by. He sighed as he stretched his back. He had gone over the same report five times and still did not know what it said.

There came a soft knock on his door. "Enter." Jim called out as he tried to read the passage over again. He glanced up when he heard the door open before looking back down at the report. His head quickly jerked back up as he stared at Spock. "Spock? What are you doing here? We were supposed to meet at one."

That infuriating eyebrow rose. "We were. It is currently one fifteen. I wanted to see what was keeping you. Unless you have decided you do not wish to have lunch with me. I can leave if that is what you want."

Jim looked to the clock and cursed. "No! Sorry. I just didn't realize what time it was. I want to have lunch with you. Give me a second and I will be ready to go." He stood and put the PADDs away. He would read them later. Perhaps he should bring one just in case they couldn't talk to each other again? No he couldn't do that. It would be just come off as him not wanting to do this.

Spock nodded and waited for him to get ready. "Since there are a few choices around here I will let you decide where you want to go."

Inwardly Jim groaned. He didn't want to decide on food. He didn't even want to think about food. His stomach still protested him eating the muffin. "Um…how about the Indian place two block down?" It was the first vegetarian place he could think of.

"That is acceptable." Spock said before turning and leading the way to his car.

Author's note: It felt like a good place to stop. Next chapter we get into the actual lunch date and discussing help. No Spock is not an idiot. He is going to realize Jim isn't eating like he should. Remember this is going to be a very long road. There will be no promises of when I will update this fic. I am hoping to have at least a chapter up every week since I have been keeping them short. I have a full time job that loves to put you on overtime. Love the pay but not the hours and feeling tired all the time. See you next time.