Chapter 6: Breathe
Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.
I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.
Author Note: Just to inform you the first arc to this story will likely conclude around chapter 20 or so. It may be less or it may be more. Feedback would be welcomed. Are you guy's interested in the story? Is there something you would like to see? I do take in consideration my readers desires as well. I do plan on giving flash backs to happier times but if you don't want that let me know. No guaranties that I will keep them out but I will consider how often I put them in. Also what would you guys like to see? I won't be an author that begs for reviews but they are kind of important for us. We have no idea if what we are writing is keeping you entertained. First flash back might be around chapter ten or so.
WARNINGS: Suicide thoughts. Blood. Eating disorder. Foul language.
Edit: 12/22/16 My beta reader has made this better.
It had been three weeks since Jim's stay in the hospital. It had been three weeks since Spock had walked out of that room. It was as if the talk about counseling had never happened. They were no longer talking to each other again. They danced around each other as if they had some contagious disease. It wasn't helping Jim very much at all. He had dropped another four pounds which put him at a hundred and forty pounds. That wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't six foot.
He honestly hated looking into a mirror right now. He wasn't exactly skinny but he had lost a lot of muscle mass. His hands and face had thinned out. He was constantly dizzy and felt that he could be pushed over with a strong enough wind. Jim lost count of the times he had to stop on a walk because he couldn't breathe. He was anemic and it was getting bad. It took forever for anything to heal on its own. The blonde had barely bumped his arm the other day and it left a bruise as if he had been struck by a baseball bat.
Jim started to wear looser clothes to hide the loss in weight. Thankfully the drop in temperature made adding layers to his outfit necessary. If he wore sweaters around the house all the time now, he could easily say he was cold. But they were not talking so he knew he wouldn't get asked. Spock wouldn't even notice the weight loss because he wouldn't even look at Jim now.
He was in the kitchen cutting vegetables for dinner. He would likely not eat it but at least Spock would have dinner when he came home. It was taking him twice as long as it normally would to just prepare dinner. He still had to cook it. The blade he had been using slipped and cut his thumb. Without much thought he placed the bleeding thumb in his mouth as he took the knife to the sink. It wasn't that deep but like the glass shard he bled a lot. Too much to keep the finger in his mouth.
As he put it over the sink he was fascinated by the way the blood flowed over his skin. With the back of the hand that held the knife he flicked on the water. It was strange. He had always hated bleeding. It reminded him too much of the past, but now? He couldn't help but watch and wonder. 'Would it be so bad if I just cut the veins in my wrist? All of it would be over. I would bleed out quickly. Probably take longer than a minute but not that long with how easy I bleed lately. It's like falling asleep. I've nearly bled out a few times. Sure it scared me but when it got down to the last bit it wasn't so bad anymore. It would hurt but-'
He felt the wrist holding the knife jerked back and painfully twisted until he dropped the blade. It clattered to the ground and he heard a shoe kick it away. It made a clacking sound as it hit the counter not too far away from him. Jim let out a pained gasp before his mind screamed at him to get away. He kicked, punched, screamed, and even scratched until whoever had him let him go. It lacked all of the finesse that a Star Fleet officer was trained for.
Jim felt ill as his mind filled with things he would rather forget. Strong arms pinning him down. The feeling of hands closing around his throat cutting off any source of air. Pain flaring through his body as- He refused to think of those memories. He wouldn't let them control him.
Jim shoved hard against the looming body and they moved away from him. He quickly put distance between him and…Spock? "Damn it Spock! Are you trying to scare the living daylights out of me?" He practically screamed at him.
The look of pain on Spock's face made Jim calm down some. He had no idea why Spock would wear that expression and that helped ground his mind into the here and now. His breathing was still painful as he forced it to slow down. He didn't need to hyperventilate. "And what about you Jim? Were you trying to scare me? Because it worked."
Placing a hand over his pounding heart Jim stared at Spock like he had gone crazy. "What? How did I scare you? You are the one that came up behind me and spooked the living hell out of me."
Spock slowly knelt and picked up the knife tossing it into the sink as if even touching it made his hands burn. "Then tell me why you were thinking of killing yourself." He met his bondmate's widening eyes.
"Spock…damn it…I hate it when you just read my mind without…just because I thought it once does not mean I am going to do it. Human's get depressed Spock. It is a part of being human. I can't help it. But it does not mean I will act on those thoughts." When Spock just stared at him he growled and threw his hands in the air forgetting that his thumb was still bleeding.
"That's why, right there! You won't talk to me. You barely acknowledge I exist. I know I screwed up but…please. I need you to fucking talk to me! I regret going out that night. But you were not talking to me Spock. I wanted to get drunk so I could forget that for one moment I didn't have an insensitive prick for a husband." He cursed as Spock's face closed off. "You know I didn't mean that Spock. You scared the hell out of me by touching me-"
"But another's touch is acceptable Jim? You slept with another man after…if you want to talk let's talk about that. The very thought of my touch made you cringe. You wouldn't let me come anywhere near you let alone see you in anything less than clothes that cover your entire body. Let's talk about the drink-"
Jim scoffed and took several steps forward as if proving a point. "One I don't want to talk about that night. Two did you ever think about how I felt?" He jabbed a finger into the unrelenting chest of his bondmate. "I understand that it wasn't you, you but it was still your body. It was still your face Spock. You held me down and wouldn't let me up. For over a week Spock. It wasn't just a couple of days like we thought. I know I said I could handle it. I was wrong but the bond was new to both of us. I understood that just as I know you couldn't help it.
That does not mean that it didn't hurt. That it would take time before I could get over that. Spock it wasn't just rough sex. I could handle that. We've gotten wild before. It scares the hell out of me that I wanted it every time you took me. I was scared Spock, and the bond made me into a puddle of nerve endings that wanted to please you and damn myself because I couldn't give you what you wanted. I lost control over myself Spock and that really scares me. But the worst of it was when you tried to kill me. You had your hands around my throat and was strangling the life out of me. Because I prayed that it would end."
Jim watched as pain and regret flashed across Spock's face. Jim looked away and clinched his hands. "I'm sorry Spock…I…shit. I didn't mean for that to come out like that."
The blonde's head shot up as a single thought passed through the link. "Don't you dare. You…Please Spock…don't. You can't leave." His voice dropped below a whisper but he knew Spock could hear him. "We can work through this…Please?" His eyes burned as tears began to fall down his face to drip off his chin.
Spock took a step forward before wrapping Jim in a light hug. His arms careful not to constrict him so he wouldn't feel trapped. He rested his head on top of Jim's. Every move purposefully drawn out so the smaller male could run if he wanted to. "I won't. As you said, it was just a thought." A thought that unlike the human wasn't just random. "We will go to counseling and if…If that does not work-"
Jim shook his head. "It has to. I can't lose you. I need you Spock." He held onto the fabric of Spock's shirt as if it was a life line. He couldn't stop the tears. They were beginning to turn into big ugly sobs. He felt a giggle slip out and clamped his hand over his mouth. Was he? Surely not. James T. Kirk did not have anxiety attacks. Or at least he would never admit to having them.
He felt Spock's arms tighten just a little bit and that was bad. Really bad. He shoved him hard and took several steps away. His vision was growing spotty and black in places. Jim couldn't get in enough air. His hand was shaking as he tried to keep his mouth covered. He tried to just breath though his nose. Logically he knew to stop the attack he had to control his breathing but he just couldn't. Jim crashed to his knees and everything went black.
Spock rushed to his bondmate as he fell to his knees and then to the floor. He would have bruises in the morning. Spock lifted Jim and froze. Jim was too light. He had to have lost weight. Close to forty pounds if he calculated it correctly from the last physical Jim had. He carried the unconscious male to Jim's bedroom. He would have a head ache when he woke up but other than that he would be fine. Unless he had another anxiety attack when he awoken.
Most believe that Vulcans cannot feel. That was because of a mistranslation caused years ago that went unfixed. Where it would say Vulcans lacked emotions in truth it meant they mastered their emotions and prevented them from clouding their judgment. He had failed horribly at mastering his emotions. If he had, then he would have noticed the dark rings under his bondmate's eyes. He would have noticed the way Jim's skin was no longer golden but pale. Much paler then it has ever been before.
Spock would have noticed the lack of healthy shine to Jim's hair. He should have noticed the drop in weight. He was a poor excuse of a bondmate if he couldn't even notice how much his mate had detreated. With gentle hands he pushed Jim's sweater and shirt up and winced. He couldn't see ribs yet but he was sure if Jim raised his hands over his head they would show. How couldn't he have noticed this? He had but he ignored it. That was the only possible explanation.
He ran his hand over Jim's side assessing just how much his body had lost. It wasn't good. Any more weight loss and he could be hospitalized. He should be hospitalized. His body was covered in bruises from where Jim had run into things. He had never bruised this easy. He pulled the shirt and sweater back down over the exposed stomach before pushing up each sleeve.
Only when he was sure there were no self-inflicted wounds on his wrist did Spock feel comfortable enough to leave Jim's side. He pulled the sleeves in place before getting up from the bed. The bleeding from Jim's thumb had stopped. It would stain the blanket but that did not matter right now. He walked into the kitchen before placing a call. Four rings later and Doctor McCoy answered cursing at him about the time.
"Forgive me doctor I know it is late. I am worried about Jim. He…" This was a break of trust on the largest level but he needed someone else who was more qualified to help. "I believe he is suffering from depression and lack of nutrition. I know you are not a psychiatrist but is there something you can do?"
For three point two minutes McCoy didn't answer. "Well damn that explains a lot. He hasn't really been talking to me. Figured something was going on when he sent me that text of you. I just didn't want to push too much. He runs when you press too hard. Look I can't come down right now. One, he would kill us both. You for calling, me for coming. Two I have work. I can't just up and leave at the moment. How serious are we talking here? I need symptoms before I can do anything."
Spock could hear shuffling on the other end. "I think he might not be eating as he should. From my calculations he has nearly lost forty pounds. He bruises easy now. He cut his thumb preparing dinner on a knife and it bled a lot. It closed on its own after ten minutes. Jim has had difficulty breathing when he stands for more than three to five minutes."
The sound of keys being pressed on a computer echoed through the phone. "Sound like he is anemic. I know he went vegetarian which isn't going to help him in this case. If you can get him to eat, try to get him to eat things high in iron. Like nuts…which he has an allergy to most of them. Damn it. That limits the food he can get what he needs from. Give him oranges, apricots, and beets. Look up other beta-carotene enriched food. Don't let him have milk or any other dairy products. It actually hinders the absorption of iron. Alright, so let's move on. Has he tried to harm himself?"
Spock though about the last six months. Nothing stuck out like it did today but that didn't mean he hadn't when Spock was away. "He thought about it today. There may have been a time four months ago." He recalled how Jim had taken off on his bike that night. He had been positive the human was going to kill himself. "Possibly two months before that as well."
There was silence on the other end for a moment. "Did he tell you this? Forgive me for saying this but you sound scared. If it was just him thinking about him hurting himself, I don't think you would be calling me. What's going on Spock?"
The Vulcan rubbed his face and leaned against the counter. He could still see in the bedroom. He would know when Jim woke up. "We are…fighting. We talked about seeking counseling but we…have yet to pursue it." It hurt to admit that they were having problems but McCoy was a friend to both of them and he wouldn't tell anyone else.
A string of cursing that could make a sailor blush came over the phone. "Damn it you green-blooded hobgoblin why didn't you call me sooner? Take my advice, go to counseling. If you think you need it then you do. Get Jim into a private counselor too. Just don't let him know or he will skin us alive. I will be there in two weeks. I have cleared all my appointments and booked a fight. But I can't miss this last appointment. Jim told you about the two men having a baby that I am working with right? Well the mother for lack of a better term is due for a checkup and is at risk of losing the child. I can't exactly leave him hanging. As soon as I get him settled I'll be there.
Just keep an eye on him. Take anything sharp or potentially deadly out of his reach. Get him into counseling and get Jim on vitamins. They will help until I can get there." McCoy was silent for a moment. "Spock…take care of him okay? He is a brother to me. You guys are my family. I don't want to lose either of you. I will help where I can, but you have always been the one that he listens to. Take care."
Spock felt his throat close for a moment. The crew of the Enterprise had become family and he did not want to lose them. "You as well Leonard." With that he ended the call and quickly dialed another number. This one answered on the first ring.
"Doctor Jones office. How can I help you?" A woman's voice spoke as if it wasn't nine at night but earlier.
Spock swallowed and for the first time in months he felt he could breathe again. "I would like schedule an appointment for me and my bondmate. Dr. Jones, your profile on your website offers individual counseling, I would also like to set that up as well."
The woman on the other end gave a small chuckle. "Well as flattered as I am that you think I am the doctor I am just her assistant. I'll let her know. Doctor's don't answer the clinic phone. What name can I put you under?"
"S'chn T'gai Spock and James Kirk." He had made sure this doctor was reputable and discreet before he decided to put her on the list of names. Spock did not want the world to find out about their problems. After all, even after they came back from their five-year mission they were still bombarded with the press.
Author's note 2: I used the only name I found for Spock's first name. Writing for Spock is hard. Mostly because I speak with improper English. I have to read his parts over and over because they don't seem right. However, I figured he would have changed just a little from his time with humans as did Spock Prime. So maybe the way he speaks is believable? Let me know what you think. Also all the facts about what helps or hinders iron absorption is true. I do research before I add something. On the plus side we finally get to the counseling. Dark times ahead people. Time to bring out the chocolates, fuzzy blankets, and other comforts. It will get a LOT darker before it gets better. (I am not meaning character deaths either. I am not that cruel for my first fanfic.) Also I am going to try to double the word count for the next chapter so I may take a little longer to get out. Sorry.