The Secrets That Define Us

by Svikari

What if the person you needed the most was the one person you could never turn to? Kirk faces that question everyday after a night that ruined his world. He would give anything to have the one person that means everything to him back. Even if that is letting him walk away for good. Not everything is as it seems as our secrets are what defines us.

7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Save Me From Myself

Disclaimer: Again, I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I have a beta finally! Also the other chapters have been checked and will be edited when I get a moment. I do plan on changing the first chapter. I also plan on lengthening the chapters I have already posted. Big shout out to Tanseynz for being my first reviewer and Azaraile for being my Beta.

WARNINGS: Talking about suicide. Eating disorder. General unpleasantness of being in a relationship that has been derailed and trying to mend it.

Jim groaned as he came to. His head pounded like he got in a bar fight with a Klingon and lost. He cracked an eye open before deciding that he really did not want to do that. He felt light-headed and a little ill. The blonde blinked until he could keep his eyes open for more than a few seconds. He slowly shifted in bed before he realized he was in his own bed. Tucked in, safe and warm. His eyes scanned the room before he heard the soft sound of Spock walking.

It took a few seconds before the Vulcan stepped into the doorway. Both could not find the words they wanted to say to each other. "Um…Thanks for carrying me to bed. I guess I hit my head? It sort of feels like I did."

Spock nodded. "You did after you fainted." He arched an eyebrow when the human groaned and flopped back on the bed. "What Jim?"

The blonde looked up from his spot on the bed, moving his arm from over his eyes. "Do you have to say I fainted like I am some girl in those old movies? You know the ones where the prince saves her from some monster?"

A small smile formed on Spock lips. He could picture that quite clearly. He had saved Jim's life countless times over their Star Fleet careers. Though to be fair Jim had saved his just as many. Maybe they were both the girl who needed rescuing from the monster? He chuckled a little which got Jim's attention. "Alright, what would you like me to call it?"

Jim propped himself up a little. "I don't know, lost consciousness? It means the same, just a little less pathetic." They sat in silence but it wasn't as bad as it had been. "Hey Spock…can I ask a favor of you?" When Spock gave a nod he smiled. He waved his hand to bring Spock closer to him. When Spock was within reaching distance he grabbed his arm and pulled. He knew Spock let him pull him to the bed but he really didn't care as he curled up against the cool body next to him.

"Jim…" Spock's voice held concern. He could hear how fast Jim's heart was racing. He could feel the tremble in his body. He could sense the fear that Jim felt. He started to move away. Spock did not want to cause the human anymore stress.

Jim's arms wrapped around him tighter. "Just shut up for a while and hold me. Don't…think. Just stay here for a while. Please? I'm not asking you to share my bed or anything. I just…miss this."

Spock missed this too. He really did but the fear and panic was growing in Jim. He didn't need skin to skin contact for him to read it. "Jim. Your heart rate is rising quickly. You shouldn't force yourself to do this." When all that got him was Jim's hands tightening in the cloth at the back of his shirt he sighed and got into a more comfortable position. He pulled his former captain on top of his chest. Almost instantly Jim's heart rate started to slow back to a normal speed. "Very well. I will stay like this for a while. However, in return you must do me a favor Jim. Start eating with me. I mean really eating. You are losing too much weight Jim."

Jim was silent as he focused on the sound of Spock's voice and the way his chest rose and fell with each breath. It kept the demons away. "I didn't think you had noticed. Fine. Just…Don't expect me to eat a lot. I can't really hold anything down."

Jim felt Spock nod. "I finished making dinner while you slept. I also made us an appointment. Dr. Jones will see us at the end of the week. She will assess us individually as well as together."

The blonde pushed himself up on his elbows so he could stare at Spock. "You…would do that?" He knew that it was a blow to Spock's pride to ask for help. Hell it was a blow to his own but he was desperate.

Spock rose his hand and lightly brushed his fingers over Jim's hair pushing it back behind his ear. He was in need of a hair cut again. "Of course Jim. You are the most important thing in my life. I would do anything if it meant it would keep you safe."

They laid together for nearly an hour before Jim's nerves got to be too much for him to handle anymore. He felt better though. They would seek help at the end of the week and he was able to be touched for more than a second. He felt drained by the end of the forty-eight minutes but it was worth it. He followed Spock into the kitchen where the food was being kept warm. It was a vegetarian pasta loaded with vegetables.

Jim had learned how to make it when they both discovered it at a star base close to their last few month's aboard Enterprise. He had surprised Spock on their first date by making it. They had laughed when Jim told him how many time he had to make the dish before it even resembled anything edible. Jim wasn't a bad cook he was just impatient. After he started to slow down and take his time he began to really enjoy cooking.

The two men sat at the table and filled their bowls. Jim really wasn't hungry. He knew he couldn't keep not eating. In the past he hadn't felt like eating but he made himself eat. He would just have to do the same now. He didn't put a lot in his bowl, it wasn't even half full but to him it seemed like it was overflowing. Jim pushed around the noodles and forked a few of the veggies but he really couldn't bring himself to eat it.

Spock stood from the table and took Jim's bowl from him, putting the contents back into the large bowl in the middle of the table. "Spock?"

Spock walked to the cupboard and removed the loaf of bread. "It is clear you cannot eat it. You will just have to start small. Therefore, would you like toast and apple cause? I would recommend orange juice as well. It has many benefits to the human body."

Jim felt his eyes burn even as a smile tugged at his lips. "Sure. Thank you Spock." He ducked his head as Spock toasted two slices of bread and covered it lightly with butter before bringing it to him along with the promised apple sauce and glass of orange juice.

The toast went down well but by the time he finished the two slices of bread he was full. Still he made himself finish the small bowl of apple sauce and glass of orange juice. Jim smiled at Spock before taking the dishes to the sink so he could wash them. He turned to Spock after he put his dishes away.

"Could you clean up? I…really think I should lay down." He was really trying not to throw everything back up. His face had a green tint to it as he slowly breathed in through his nose and out his mouth.

"Of course Jim." Came the quick reply.

Jim nodded and hastily went to his room. He slipped into the master bathroom wetting a towel before laying down in bed. He laid the wet cloth over his throat and the need to throw up eased. He knew it would pass after a while.

The remainder of the week passed by all too quickly and not quickly enough in Jim's opinion. He was eating more but he knew he was worrying Spock when he threw up after eating pretzels. Spock never ate them but Jim use to love them. When Spock wasn't home he had discreetly thrown out the bag of pretzels. He knew he would never be able to eat them again. They weren't talking again. Not after Jim had blown up at Spock for getting rid of all the potentially life threatening things in the house.

Jim had come home Wednesday after work to make dinner. He had been getting better at eating more than once a day so long as it was small meals. He could handle things like a small bowel of fruit or oatmeal but anything heavier and he was either retching or wanting to. He had searched the drawers for the knives to cut the vegetables but he couldn't find them. They had to be in the dishwasher then. When they were not to be found in the dishwasher Jim had searched the other cabinets where he found the cleaners he used to wash things to be missing as well.

He felt like his stomach was in knots as he shut the cabinet door before going into his bathroom. All of his medication was missing from behind the mirror as well as the ones he kept in the bathroom drawer for when he ran out of the mild painkillers, which he took for the headaches he got. Shutting the mirror harder than necessary Jim stormed into the second bathroom to find that the same had happened there as well.

By the time Spock had returned from his classes Jim was livid and preparations for dinner had been left untouched on the counter. He stood leaning against the counter glaring at Spock who had just walked through the door. As Spock slowed Jim grinned and pushed away from the counter he had been leaning on.

"Like dinner Spock? So do I but I seem to be having a bit of a problem being able to actually make dinner. The knives have magically grown legs and walked away. But the funny thing is…so has the cleaner I had under the sink. And let's not forget the medication I keep in the bathroom when I catch things like colds, flus, or the head aches I am prone to have. Hell even the vitamins you were insistent on that I take have gone missing." He waved to each area where the items had been housed in turn. "The only thing that hasn't walked off is the razor I use to shave with and that I am assuming it is because it is an electric razor that cannot harm the skin."

Spock slowly set his briefcase down and stared at Jim. "I see you are upset Jim by my actions but they were for your own good."

Jim shook his head. "Oh I am not upset Spock. No upset would be if I spilt my coffee on my way to work. Upset would be if I stubbed my toe on something. Upset would be having a rough day at work. Upset would be having your lover not speak to you for five months over a bloody mistake! Upset was watching the Enterprise go down. No I am not upset Spock, I am pissed. No, no I am beyond pissed right now. You went behind my back and took out every bloody knife in the damn house without telling me!"

Spock took a step forward and held both hands where Jim could see them. "Jim you thought about killing yourself, what else was I supposed to do?"

Jim felt his temper rise. He had never before been so angry at the Vulcan who ignored him for months, who hadn't been able to see how much he was hurting all this time, only to start babying him now? He grabbed the nearest thing and threw it across the room at Spock. The fruit scattered as the bowl shattered across the wall. "TALK to me. Not do this! You don't do this to people you care about Spock. It was one thought after a very bad day where we were not talking and things were getting to me. If it was that bad I would have told someone. It wasn't. I've been there before, trust me. It was a stupid thought that a stupid untrained mind had that you thought it was okay to listen in on."

Spock took another step forward only to have the glass of water lifted from the counter and thrown at him. He easily moved aside to avoid the glass and its contents. It too became a shattered mess across the floor behind him. "Jim that though came across the bond along with the feelings behind them. You wanted to die Jim. I did what was logical."

The human groaned and slammed his fist on the counter top. "I cannot believe you Spock. You can shove your logic where the sun does not shine because I would have picked a different way to die then slitting my wrist or drinking poison! I would drive my bike off a cliff or crash my car into a tree. Hell I would even jump out of a ship from space falling into orbit without a parachute before I resorted to killing myself by slitting my wrist."

He was breathing hard as he stared at the Vulcan that thought it was smart to not only mother him but also take everything that could hurt him away like he was a child? "You know what, I don't want to deal with this right now. I am going to bed." He turned on his heel and stormed to the hall that would lead to his bedroom. He looked over his shoulder one last time. "I thought you knew me better than that Spock." He sighed. "Hell, I thought I knew you better than that."

Jim slipped into his room and leaned against the door before sliding down the cool wood until he sat on the floor. He ran his hand painfully through his hair tugging it. What the hell had he just done? What was wrong with him? You didn't throw things at your bondmate no matter how angry you were at them. When had he turned into Frank? He felt his throat tighten but he refused to cry. Not over this. He wasn't allowed to when he had been the one to throw things at Spock. What if he actually tried to hit him?

The blonde felt his hands shake at the idea. He knew he couldn't do real damage but it was the principle of the idea. You do not hurt your bondmate no matter what. He banged his head on the door several times before he got up and dragged himself to bed. He laid there listening to Spock in the other room. From the sound of it the Vulcan was cleaning up the mess he made. Damn he really was turning into that bastard.

He tried to sleep but sleep would not come no matter how he tried or how many times he rolled. Sometime before dawn he finally crashed. In the morning he huffed and pushed himself out of bed. He should just call in sick. He was too worn out to deal with the paperwork he had to finish up today.

Jim showered taking his time before drying off and dressing. He grimaced when he caught a glance at himself in the mirror. He had dark bags under his eyes and his skin was as pale as it had ever gotten. "Hey today is a new day. I can do this." He sighed and walked out of the bathroom to his bedroom where he put on his coat he had tossed onto the chair the night before. He zipped it up to his neck and put his hands in his pockets. Jim stopped walking to the door and felt around in his pockets. His eyes slowly scanned the room. "Did I leave them out here?"

He checked the counter where he had laid out the ingredients for dinner the night before. Not seeing his keys there Jim looked on the coffee table and then went to search the drawers. Maybe Spock had put them up? They were not hanging by the door or in the bowl on the counter where they took off their shoes. The door to the guest room opened and he looked up at Spock. His cheeks burned as he looked away.

Jim took a few settling breaths before looking back up at his bondmate. "Hey Spock, have you seen my keys? I misplaced them somewhere but I could have sworn I had them in my coat pocket."

The Vulcan shifted in what was clearly discomfort. "I have. We should go before you are late for work."

Jim watched as Spock started walking to the door. "Spock…where are my keys?" When Spock did not answer he felt his stomach drop. "Spock, why are you not at work already? Your classes started an hour ago." Still his Vulcan did not answer him. "Damn it Spock! No you will not do this to me. Give me my damn keys!"

Spock finally stopped and turned to the angry human. "Jim, as you clearly stated last night you do not need to be behind the wheel of vehicle. I will drive you back and forth to work."

The human gave a frustrated shout before running his hands down his face. "Of all the…stupidest smart people I could have…No, I am not doing this today. Fine, keep my keys. I don't care. I'll walk." With that, he stormed past the Vulcan.

"Jim, you will be late if you walk now. Let me drive you." Spock reached out to grab Jim's arm only for the blonde to yank away and walk out of the house, where he continued to walk until he reached Star Fleet headquarters late and out of breath.

From the time of Jim's keys being taken from him to that Friday Jim hadn't spoken a word to Spock. He was both angry that Spock would treat him as a child and ashamed that he gave him reason to. He had been acting childish with the way he had thrown things at Spock over the knives and then walking to work. He got it, really. He knew he was scaring Spock with his mood swings but he really couldn't help it.

They had an appointment with Dr. Jones in the morning and Jim had to wonder if it was even worth going. They were fighting so much lately. Why couldn't they just stop fighting? Why couldn't they go back to the way things used to be? Damn it but he missed those days. He stayed curled up on the couch numbly flicking though the channels. He really needed a distraction. His mind was spinning and he was starting to panic.

This would turn out alright. This wasn't the first time he had been to see a counselor. He was ordered to see one after the thing with Khan. He had died after all. That wasn't hard really. It had been easy to get the doctor to believe he was fine then. He could do that now. No, that wouldn't be right. Not after everything they have been through.

Jim sighed and took a sip of his water wishing it was something stronger and hating himself for it. He leaned back against the couch arm before scooting down so his head could rest on it. Spock had stayed away from him all day after Jim had ignored him from the day before. Maybe they were just not compatible? So many things had been changed in this timeline.

The first being his father's death. Maybe that was the catalyst for everything? Jim would have grown up with the love of a father. He would have had a family where he wasn't scared that he was going to be hit. His brother would have never left. Damn it. Spock needed to come home so he could keep his mind from going to such dark places. He wanted to say he was sorry for blowing up at him, for nearly hitting him.

Jim jumped up from the couch as the door came open and he rushed Spock, hugging him before he lost his nerve. "I'm sorry. For throwing things at you, and for blowing up at you for trying to save me from myself."

Before Spock could say anything Jim pulled away and darted to his room. His body shook as he leaned against the door. He took several deep breaths and pushed away from the door before heading to the shower. He was too wound up to sleep and too embarrassed to go back out there to talk to Spock.

That night was another fitful night of sleep for Jim. He could only stare at the clock waiting for the hours to tick by slowly. When the clock showed that it was half an hour before he needed to be up he sighed and drug himself out of bed. He fixed himself a large cup of coffee and ate some toast as he waited for Spock to come out of the guest room.

He gave the Vulcan a smile as he came out. "I made your tea." He pointed to the pot of tea he brewed for him. "It gave me something to do, I couldn't sleep."

Spock went into the kitchen careful yet again to keep his distance from Jim before pouring himself a cup of the steaming tea. He sipped it and gave an appreciative hum. "It is good Jim. Are you ready to go?"

Jim sighed and finished off what was left of his third cup of coffee. "As ready as I will ever be." He washed his cup out and laid it on the counter to dry. The drive to the clinic was just as silent as they have been. The air thick with nerves and fear. Were they doing the right thing? They had to be. Jim couldn't lose Spock now. His legs bounced restlessly as Spock drove.

They parked and sat for a moment in silence. "Jim, your heart rate is rising to dangerous levels. If you are not ready for this, we can reschedule."

Jim shook his head. "No Spock, I don't think we can." He turned and smiled at his Vulcan. It wasn't his normal smile but one filled with pain. Jim knew that if they didn't do this now they would never be able to do it later and that would be the end of them. "Don't worry about me Spock. I can do this. Just don't like doctors is all. Come on let's get the show on the road."

They both left the vehicle and walked into the quiet building. It was small and cozy, not at all like the hospitals and doctors offices Jim was use to visiting. It helped to calm him some as they signed in and took a seat in the waiting room. It too was small and cozy. There where exotic plants in every corner with a large fish tank in the center of the room. Jim was certain he knew them from somewhere but he couldn't place where.

"Hey Spock…refresh my memory would you? Those plants over there, where do they come from. I know I know them from somewhere." Jim couldn't help but feel that he had seen them before.

"Yes, that would be because they are from Betazed. As are the fish in the tank." Spock answered and gestured to the fish.

Jim smiled a little. "Huh. No kidding. We went Betazed on one of our missions. The one about the stowaway. That was fun. I didn't really care for the way they could just read your mind though. The wedding was amazing."

Spock nodded in agreement. "I seem to remember you could not stop looking at the bride."

Jim's smile turned into a grin. "Hey, she was naked. It was hard not to look. Besides, I wasn't dating anyone at the time. I was allowed to look."

Instantly the soft banter died as Spock's thought rang loud and clear though the bond. 'Being with someone did not stop you from sharing a bed with another.' Jim shrank in his seat and crossed his arms wishing the world would swallow him now. His head was starting to throb like it did every time Spock's thoughts came through the bond.

They would not look at each other as the minutes ticked but. Finally, the sound of soft heels clicking on wood floor made both of them look up. A curvy woman with long black hair curling to her waist entered the room. Her pure black eyes looked between the two of them and she gave a smile. "Hello, I am Doctor Reaxano Jones. If you would follow me, we can get started."

Both men got to their feet and followed the shorter woman. Her office was not very large but it wasn't imposingly small either. It felt safe and welcoming. That was a first for Jim when it came to doctor's offices. He took a seat on one of the couches while Spock sat on the same couch at the other end. Unified but not touching.

"I can feel that you do not wish to be here Jim and you as well Spock. For very different reasons. May I ask why you feel that way?" Her voice was soothing and should have put Jim in a better mood but it didn't.

The human turned stormy blue eyes on Spock and tightened his grip on the couch arm. "She is a Betazed? You couldn't tell me that before we chose her?"

Spock turned to his former captain and arched a brow. "As I know you are not Xenophobic I did not see that there would be a problem. However, I did mention she was of mixed heritage of two different species."

Jim groaned and sunk into his seat. "I'm not. I just don't like it when people poke around in my head." He turned his blue eyes on to Reaxano. "No offence to you just…really don't want anyone in my head."

She gave him a smile and nodded. "I understand but as Mr. Spock said I am only half Betazed so I can only feel your emotions and I can guess at where it is coming from. I cannot read your thoughts. Most non telepathic species have similar feelings of apprehension when faced with those that do have telepathic abilities. May you answer my earlier question? Why do you not want to be here?"

Jim sighed and looked down at his hand. "I really don't like doctors of any kind. I get that you are here to help I just…don't like doctors."

Reaxano nodded and turned her black eyes to Spock. "I…" He started and closed his mouth before looking at her. "I feel that…as a Vulcan I should be able solve my problems on my own without help. I understand as well that sometimes we need help in order to recover."

Again the woman nodded and gently wrote notes on an actual notebook. "I can understand that. Vulcan's are a very private race. Where would you two like to start?" Silence swelled in the room for a full five minutes before she cleared her throat. She could tell neither really wanted to speak ill of the other. "Well that isn't very good. I cannot help you if you are not willing to talk. Why don't we start from where everything began?"

Jim looked away as Spock cleared his throat. "I do not think either of us are ready for that. It is…hard for both of us."

Reaxano gave a small ah sound. "That is okay. We can start somewhere else. What about recently? What has gone on lately that you wish to talk about?"

Jim gave a harsh laugh. "How about the fact that he took my keys away from me like I was a teenager who stayed out too late?"

The Vulcan turned to look at Jim. "As I have told you before, you were in risk of taking your life Jim. I did what I thought was best to keep you from harming yourself."

Jim glared at Spock. "No you acted on a thought I had once. I know when I need help Spock, and I was not to that point. You also took all the knives from the house and anything else that could kill me. How about how we haven't been speaking for months and only just now started speaking again. Or that we are sleeping in separate rooms. You took on more classes just so you wouldn't be near me. I work weekends just so I won't be home alone."

He didn't know why all of this was spilling out of him. He wished it would stop. Jim knew he really didn't want to talk about all of this yet, if at all.

Spock turned his dark brown eyes on Jim and spoke softly. "If you wish to bring up my faults why not bring up your drinking? Or how you could not stay monogamous with me? We should discuss your eating disorder seeing as that is more of a concern for your health at this time."

Neither would meet the others eyes for a long time. Jim felt like he was breaking. He blinked rapidly a few times to keep from crying. What the hell was wrong with him? He has been depressed before. It had never been like this. Sure Spock's words cult like ice but he deserved worse after all. He could take a few harsh words. Jim had wanted to end things years ago but it wasn't this…weeping mess. He still had his pride damn it!

Reaxano looked between the two. She was shocked by the feelings she felt pouring off both of them. Out of all her patients she had never feel such deep sadness and pain. Guilt thick enough to choke rolled off each of them. "Jim…is it okay if I call you Jim?" When he gave a nod she scooted forward in her chair. "This is a safe environment where you can talk about what is bothering you. From the emotions I am picking up from you I can understand where Spock got the idea of removing harmful items from the house. However, I also understand that being human it should have been discussed first.

From what you said, neither of you have been speaking much to each other. Is that right?" When both gave an affirmative she took down another note. "Spock, is there anything you would like to add?" Her black eyes seemed to pierce his soul as she watched him.

Spock laced his fingers as he would normally while in meditation. "There is a lot I would like to add however only a few pertain to the matter at hand and I believe I have spoken too much as it is without thinking on how I should have said it. I came home earlier this week to Jim having cut his thumb while preparing dinner. He was standing in the kitchen with the water running over his hand while holding a knife in the other. He had it over his wrist and with the thoughts that came through our bond it was obvious to me that he was trying to kill himself."

Jim snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. "I was not trying to kill myself. The knife wasn't over my wrist Spock."

The Vulcan turned his eyes back to his bondmate and calmly spoke. "Jim, Vulcan's do not lie. You had the knife over your wrist as if you were about to press down on the blade and slit your wrist."

The human huffed and thought back to that moment. He frowned and then his eyes widen. "Shit…it was." He looked over at Spock. "I forgot when you scared me but I did have it…I am so sorry." His eyes darted away. How could he have done that?

"I may have acted out of hand by not notifying you of my intentions of removing the knives and other harmful items. I was…scared Jim. I did not want to lose you because of my actions." He met his bondmate's blue eyes and could see how much pain the male was in. He knew how close he had been to losing Jim.

The room descended again into silence before the counselor spoke. "Jim, you said that Spock had scared you. May you tell me how?"

Jim sighed and nodded. "I didn't hear him come in and he came up behind me. He grabbed my arm and made be drop the knife. I freaked out a bit. I didn't realize who it was and I attacked him."

"I would hardly call that an attack Jim and one I deserved for not announcing my presence to you." Spock added quickly lest the counselor think he was a battered husband.

Jim snorted and a tiny smile curved his lips. Reaxano noticed the tension in the room and the guilt coming from both of them. "Why would that be a problem for you Jim?"

The human shrugged and felt that he was going to be doing that a lot. "Well, we both served in Star Fleet. I was a captain of a star ship. Not all missions go according to plan and I got hurt a lot." He could feel Spock's eyes on him and he sighed yet again. "There is another reason but I am not ready to talk about it. Let's just say I am very jumpy when people come up behind me."

"Fair enough Jim. Though I believe we should talk about it sometime in the future. Can I ask why you two have not been speaking with each other and for how long?"

Jim looked to Spock for something. If it was strength or guidance or something else altogether he wasn't sure. "It's the thing we don't want to talk about. It led to some really bad things, like my cheating."

Reaxano nodded and wrote a few more notes before glancing at the clock. Their hour was not yet up but she felt that it was time they called an end to this session. "As I am seeing you individually as well as together we can continue these discussions in those sessions as well. For now, we will call it a day. I want the both of you to come up with a list of things you want to talk about and why. This was productive. For now, I want to see you both in individual counseling three times a week. We will meet on Saturday's for group sessions." She stood up and shook Jim's hand. She offered the Vulcan salute to Spock.

Both walked out, side by side until they were out of sight. Out of all her patients she has never felt so much love and pain from both parties. She would do what she could to help them but they had to be the ones that saved themselves.

Author's Note: It felt like a good place to stop. I will try to get the next chapter out this weekend but no promises. I will be doing all the edits around Christmas. Also, I am not in any way a counselor so I know very little about how a counseling session would go. I feel that it would be believable but if not let me know and I will try to fix it.