Chapter 8: I'll Be Here For You
Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different. I am also not a psychiatrist/therapist and have no clue how sessions really go. If you think I am portraying it poorly please point out where and why you think so.
WARNINGS: Language. Mentions of depressions and talking about suicide.
As Jim and Spock left the councilors office they did not speak a word to each other. Both were reeling over what they had said. The walk to the car was filled with tension and both dreaded the ride home. Jim held his door open and looked over the top of it. "Spock, I am sorry. For what I said in there. I just got so angry. I don't know where it came from."
Spock's brown eyes looked over the hood of the car at Jim and remained silent for a while. "Apologies are not necessary Jim. You had a right to express your opinion as you saw fit just as I had the right to do the same." He got into the driver's side of the car and waited for Jim to enter on the other side. When Jim was secure in his seat Spock started to drive.
"I know Spock but it doesn't mean I had to say it the way I did. Yeah I am upset with you over taking my keys but I'll get over it. Which I don't get why you still won't give them back. I'm not a little kid Spock." Jim stared out the window as Spock drove. "Have you ever thought that, that might be what is wrong with us?" He turned to look at Spock and gave a weak smile. "We have always been captain and first officer to each other. We've always had different power dynamics then most couples. Maybe we need to learn how to be Jim and Spock instead?"
Nothing more was said for a long time as Spock thought about what was said. "I do believe you are right Jim. I have always followed your lead because you were my captain."
Jim rested his head on his fist as he watched Spock. "I lead a crew of several hundred and kept most of them alive. You trusted me then. Why can you not trust me now?"
Spock's hands tightened on the wheel of the car. For a long moment he did not answer. "Because you are not my captain anymore. Jim…as captain you never let your emotions…" The Vulcan took a deep breath before letting it out. "There were times when you would let anger cloud your judgment, however you always listened to reason. You…never had such dark emotions before. They scare me Jim. I fear that I will find that you have taken your own life. Even now I can feel them. They are buried under a lot of other emotions at the moment but they have not gone away.
Jim, the last time I felt emotions this dark was when I was with Nyota. I do not wish to fail another person that I love." Spock would not look at Jim as he spoke.
The former captain winced and looked away. "She got better though. It did end with you two breaking up but she did get better." Would that be the same for them? Would they have to lose each other for them to get better? Jim did not want to think about that. It made his stomach churn and he really did not need to throw up his last meal. Jim smiled a little. "I still can't believe you gave her a tracking device though."
Spock smiled a little as he pulled into their driveway. "As grateful as I am that you are trying to keep me from thinking of the past I do not think you should be changing the subject Jim. It is true that I have been treating you as if you were still my captain. I realized that was a mistake. If you were still my captain you would have taken better care of yourself."
Jim watched open mouth as Spock opened the door and got out. He sat for a few seconds before getting out as well. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He jogged just a little to catch up with Spock.
Spock opened the door to their house before going in the kitchen. "It means that as my captain you would have taken better care of yourself. You would not have let yourself get this low. Not with hundreds of lives depending on you. It was an error in my logic that I will rectify. If I have to treat you as a child, then so be it. At least you will be alive to hate me for it."
Jim opened and closed his mouth a few times before he huffed. "I don't know if that is the dumbest thing I have ever heard or if it is the sweetest. Whichever it is it pisses me off. You can't treat me as a child Spock. If you really want our relationship to be over then fine keep acting as if I can't take care of myself. Or not trust me with something as stupid as driving myself to work. I told you I won't kill myself because it is a stupid way to die! Right now I don't care. I'm going for a jog."
Ignoring Spock, the former captain turned on his heel and left the house. He switched between jogging and running. It made him ill and shaky after only ten minutes but he kept it up. Jim kept running until his legs would not hold him anymore. He use to run all the time as a teenager. Even as a child he loved to run. It gave him freedom from Frank and from the other children who would bully him at school for being smarter than they were. It saved him so many times that he made sure to run almost every day. He wished it would save him now.
Jim breathed hard as he leaned against the tree. Even though it was cold out he was covered in sweat. He slowly lowered himself to sit on the ground. His eyes took in the trees that surrounded him, shrouding him from sight. The former captain closed his eyes and lightly hit his head back on the tree behind him. "This is so stupid." He wanted to scream with how utterly helpless he felt. "Why can't there be a big red button that lets us reset everything?"
His head jerked up as he heard a twig snap. His eyes scanned the area as he got to his feet. "Hello?" There was a soft shuffling of leaves to his right. Almost too light to be picked up. "Spock? I swear if you followed me out here I am going to be really angry with you." He started to head towards the sound. No one came out here except for Jim when he would take his morning runs. Spock would join him on occasion.
Just because someone hadn't come out here before doesn't mean they won't now. Jim stopped and tried to see passed the limbs heavy with fall leaves. "Spock?" His hand naturally went to his side to find it empty. He wasn't a Starfleet captain anymore. Of course he wouldn't have a phasor on him. He was in no physical condition to fight anyone at the moment.
Jim slowly backed away from where he had last heard the noise before turning on his heel and running. The branches sliced at his skin but he did not stop until he was back to the main road. His heart hammered in his chest as he jogged down the road. He got home in record time. He hit the door hard and opened it. Jim made sure to lock the door behind him as he looked around the house.
Spock wasn't in the kitchen or his room. He wasn't in the house. Spock's running shoes and jacket was missing from their place at the front door. Jim felt livid as he stripped his clothes to shower. He had just run home because his bondmate had decided to be overprotective and give him a scare.
Jim found himself in doctor Jones' office come Monday afternoon. He could not help but stare at her as she simply watched him. They spent their first five minutes just watching each other before Jim could speak. "So I suppose I should start with how my day is going?"
"If you would like Jim. It is up to you. I can tell that you are very stressed right now." Jones' voice was soft like normal but it held concern for the former captain. His stress levels were beyond normal and she wanted to know why.
"Well I have an overprotective bondmate to blame for that. He still hasn't returned the knives and stuff to the house and he hasn't given me my keys back. I got fed up with it and had my car locks changed. Now I have a new set of keys which I keep on me. He wasn't too happy with me but we're not talking again. I swear we are either yelling at each other or not talking." He gave a weak smile.
"That would be a problem Jim. Without communication things will not get better." She was beginning to worry that maybe there was more going on than she could help with. "What started this last fight?"
Jim leaned back on the couch. "I don't really know. Me I guess. I told him he had to stop treating me like a child. Also, he thought it would be fun to stalk me through the woods a few days ago. I thought my heart would explode. I can handle myself. I know I'm not really showing it at the moment. The not eating right and the thought of killing myself. I'm use to being on my own taking care of myself and all that. I get that he is trying to help me in his own way but I hate feeling helpless and lately…that is all he is doing. I can't stand it."
For a moment they were quiet again before Dr. Jones spoke. "Many humans dislike feeling helpless. It isn't uncommon. I can feel a lot of anger coming from you. Would you like to tell me why?"
Jim sighed and shook his head. "No not really. More like I can't." He leveled his cerulean eyes at her. "Doctor…there is a lot that I can't tell you, or that I won't. Some because of Starfleet and other because I just don't want to. I didn't have the best of childhoods. Try living in the shadow of a man who died saving you and his crew. Mom wasn't very stable after that. She tried but…well her solution was to go off planet. She left us with her husband.
Me and Sam couldn't call him Dad so we called him uncle. He was an ass. I hated living with him and Sam eventually ran away. That man made me feel helpless. I could never do anything right and that is why to this day I hate feeling helpless."
She jotted down a few notes as he spoke. "You said that, that is the reason you hate feeling helpless but I don't think that is the only reason. People have tells when they are lying. Even you Jim. I am not telling you this to hurt you but, I want you to know that nothing you say will leave this room. Besides, all of that is on file from your previous therapist. I am a little disturbed by what I have read.
The files show you to be a well-adjusted youth who, for some reason, liked to get in trouble. You blamed it on not knowing your father and your older brother running away. Never once did it mention Frank, but there were many hospital visits that had questionable injuries. Add to that the restraining order and court records, it isn't hard to put things together."
Jim bit down on his bottom lip as he looked at the woman who he was starting to dislike. "You researched me? Isn't that a little unorthodox?"
"For some yes. But when I placed a request for your previous files I got a phone call from the counselor in Starfleet that you were required to see. She expressed concern for you. She felt that you were…beating the system. She could not prove anything but from the records from your childhood and hers…well I can see why she is concerned. You have every right not to disclose everything to me but I cannot help you otherwise. You wish to stay with Spock yes? You cannot do that by lying to him or yourself.
There is so much pain I feel coming from you that it threw me off balance when we first met. I have to wonder why your bondmate doesn't realize it." She sat forward a little as she looked him over. "I would like to know how you haven't given up yet. You are very strong Jim to carry such great emotions with you all this time. Let me help you."
Jim watched her and really looked at this woman. He couldn't fool her like he had done the thousands of people in the past. He couldn't charm his way out of answering or getting his way like he used to. "He doesn't know because he doesn't look for them. I'm good at hiding how I feel. Keep your mind busy with other feelings and thoughts actually acts as a good barrier for most. It's just lately that I haven't really been trying."
He took a deep breath and let it go. "Yeah I have issues. I've always had them. Frank was an asshole. He didn't do anything to me while Sam was there. As soon as Sam left I became Frank's punching bag. I figured I could deal with it like Sam did. Mom eventually couldn't deny it anymore after I was hospitalized after one of his worst beatings. She got a divorce and took me to live with my aunt and uncle. We were getting along just fine until she left again. When I got back to Earth I became very unruly. Mom couldn't handle me and we didn't talk form the time I was sixteen to right before I was thirty.
I felt like I couldn't trust people after that. Especially authoritive figures. Pike eventually talked me into joining Starfleet." He took a few deep breaths as he thought about Pike. He had been one of the only father figures he knew. "I thought we were supposed to talk about me and Spock?"
Jones chuckled a little. "Misdirection will not work on me Jim. I know talking about your past is painful but you can't run from it forever. Tell me in your own time. I am glad that you told me anything at all. I was concerned that you would just tell me what you thought I wanted to hear. Tell me one thing, why did you choose to tell me?"
Jim sighed and looked away. "Maybe…I am tired of keeping it all in? I am tired Dr. Jones. More tired than you can believe. I don't want to lose Spock and if it takes telling you about every skeleton in my closet then yeah, I am going to do it."
A small smile pulled at her lips. "I've never met someone who loves another as much as you love Spock. It is amazing and heartwarming. I won't give up on you Jim. Even if things do not work out between you two, and there is always a chance that it won't, just know that you can still come to see me."
The former captain gave a bitter smile and nodded his head. "Thanks. But I won't count us out yet. I'll still come see you even after me and Spock work our problem out."
She couldn't help but smile. "I am sure you will with time. Can I ask you one more thing before our time is up?" When he nodded she lightly tapped her pencil on a note she wrote. "You said Spock stalked you through the woods. Is that…Quite frankly I am a little concerned with the wordage you used. Can you clarify it for me?"
Jim gave another nod. "After our spat about him treating me like a child I went for a jog to clear my mind. I take the same trail most every morning before or after work. I guess he thought I was going to do something stupid. I don't know but he followed me. He wouldn't come out even though I called out to him."
Her frown grew as she listened to Jim talk. "Are you sure it was Spock?"
"Yeah. His running jacket and shoes were gone when I got home. He was still out and he got home while I was in the shower. He knows where I go to run and has joined me before when I would go running." Jim watched her as she stared at her note book. "Why?"
Dr. Jones shook her head. "It's not really my place to say but it's just…when you talked about him stalking you…you were afraid. Has he ever hurt you Jim?"
Jim felt his jaw fall open. He closed it quickly. "Um…before or after we started dating?" The arch in her brow made him squirm in his seat. He rubbed his face with his hands. "No. No we are not going there. I am not an abused husband. No. Just no." Jim sighed and shook his head. "Look, I don't know how to say this but…alright so there is something we just haven't been able to tell you yet, but it was not Spock's fault. Just...give us time to talk about it later, and preferably together. As for Spock hurting me, sort of.
I sort of purposely pissed him off after his planet was destroyed so he would blow up at me. He did and he threw me around the bridge a bit. But he has not in his right mind ever hit me since."
They sat in silence for a while as Jim tried to collect his thoughts. "Jim, would it be alright if I ask Spock about the day in the woods. I believe you when you say he has never hit you after that one incident. I am a little concerned that it happened in the first place but we can discuss it at another time."
Jim nodded and got to his feet. "Yeah. Go ahead and ask him about it." His mind was going around in circles as he walked to the door, their hour being up. "I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better?"
She chuckled and shook her head. "Not always true Jim. It is meant to shed light on subjects you would rather not think about to hopefully work through them. Don't worry, everyone feels the same as you do at one point or another in the sessions. You will get better. You are strong."
Spock sat patiently in the waiting room of Dr. Jones' office. He stood up as he saw Jim step out. He had felt several emotions flare through the bond. He wanted to go to him and ask if everything was alright but they have not spoken to each other since Friday. They stood staring at each other unable to say a word to the other.
Jim stepped forward and lightly patted Spock on the shoulder. Disgust, anger, sadness, hope. They were the most prominent emotions to pass through the simple touch as Jim's hand brushed his upper arm. They went away as Jim pulled his hand back. "This sort of feels like being in school and having to talk to the principal after getting into a fight."
The Vulcan tilted his head in concern. "Indeed it does. Though on Vulcan we did not have a principal." It was a very simple exchange but it seemed to lift some of the weight from the Vulcan's shoulders. He watched Jim leave before turning to their counselor.
"You are early Spock. By thirty minutes give or take." Dr. Jones gave him a smile and lead him back into his office. She couldn't help but smile as Spock claimed the same seat that his bondmate had vacated moments before.
"I felt that it would be best if I showed up early for my first individual appointment with you." Spock stated as he took in the room.
"It wouldn't have anything to do with you wanting to check in on Jim now would it?" She watched as a hint of green stained the Vulcan's cheeks.
"Perhaps. I am worried about him. He seemed even more angry with me than before. I am realizing humans do not like it when you try to keep them safe." He watched her close her eyes as she smiled. "Is something amusing doctor?"
"No. I mean, I shouldn't find it amusing." She opened her eyes and looked at him. "Spock, have you thought about why Jim would be mad at you for taking his keys? Or removing the knives from the house?"
Spock was silent for a while before answering. "I am realizing that my actions were not fully thought out, However, I did ask a doctor what I should do. He told me to remove everything that could hurt Jim. I did what I did because I thought it was for the best."
Jones licked her lips before looking at him. "Spock…humans will always be full of conflicting emotions and thoughts. Yes, Jim was depressed and in danger of hurting himself at the time. I believe he would have gone through with it if you had not stopped him. However, I do not think he would have attempted to kill himself after that. One, he realized just how much it hurt you to see him like that. Two he really does wish to live. Sometimes humans cannot express themselves and they do things to show they need help."
Spock looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Can you clarify doctor?"
She nodded before lacing her finger together. "Sometimes when humans want someone to help them they try to hurt themselves. In that moment they want someone to notice how much they are hurting inside so they hurt the outside. It is a strange habit but many humans exhibit such behavior."
The Vulcan nodded. "I suppose that may be true. What do I do about it doctor?"
"For now? I would recommend you talk about yourself. I am here to help you. Are there things you would like to change in your relationship?" The room was silent for a moment. Where the silence was out of nervousness from Jim this silence came from Spock thinking.
"There are things I would like to be different that cannot be. For example, I wished Jim could fully use the bond between us. However, I do not think Jim wants it. He often has headaches because of the bond. He expresses his dislike of me being in his head." Spock leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees. "I wish he could be more open with me. At the same time, I wished he had a more organized mind. Jim's mind is the most fascinating and complex I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I do not wish to change it…"
The doctor smiled as she leaned forward as well. "I hear a but coming. You do not wish to change it but…?"
Spock let out a breath as close to a sigh as he ever got. "But I wished he would be more conscious of his thoughts. I would have never thought he would be unfaithful so I never put much stock into him…looking as they say. He would see a man walking down the street and would watch him. Or he would smile at this one barista with the brown eyes. I could hear his thoughts every time he looked at her. He found her eyes attractive. Just as he found the build of the man to be attractive."
Jones watched as the Vulcan struggled to express how he felt. "I take it you never told Jim that you were jealous of the way he would look at others? What were his thoughts when he saw the barista?"
Looking back at his memories Spock pushed past the jealousy he felt when he caught Jim staring at the young woman. "That she had lovely eyes. Brown was his favorite color to look at. He liked the shape of them too. They were football shaped but turned down slightly at the edges. With dark lashes."
"And the man? What drew Jim to him?" Jones fought against the smile that threatened to take over her lips.
"He was tall with wide shoulders and narrow hips. He was about my height with short dark hair. The shape of his jaw. There was another woman with pointy ears. Her coloring was…in his mind, off." His eyebrow raised as Jones started to laugh. "May I inquire as to what is so funny?"
The doctor waved her hand. "I really shouldn't be laughing… forgive me but, I forget the word I am looking for. Have you thought about why he looked at them? Think about the characteristic you just described. Tall, your height, short dark hair, brown eyes, one even had pointy ears. Spock I am not trying to side with Jim because even though looking at others is natural, seeking another mate while in a bond like yours is wrong. I do not know the circumstances behind his infidelity and I am not here to judge. However, from what you described Jim found those qualities attractive on those people because they reminded him of you. I could be wrong. You should confront him about this. See if he knows what he is doing is hurting you."
Spock tilted his head slightly. "Fascinating…As the years that we have known each other have passed I have started to noticed a pattern with Jim's partners. Most are not human, which is explainable as we were often away from Earth in our careers but, as you said most started to share similar characteristic to myself."
The doctor nodded as she wrote down notes. "You love him deeply. He loves you just as much. When he speaks of you I can feel how much he loves you. As I can feel how much you love him. Can I ask…do you know why Jim had cheated on you? Was he bored or dissatisfied with the relationship?"
Spock laced his fingers together. "He was not bored. Dissatisfied maybe. I had unintentionally hurt him. We did not speak about it. We were not speaking to each other at all. We could barely be in the same room as the other. You are frowning doctor."
"It's…I'm sorry but I cannot say at the moment. I would need to speak with Jim before I can speak to you. Would it be alright if I ask him about you hurting him?" Spock gave the doctor a nod after a moment hesitation. "I have one question for you if you don't mind. I talked to Jim as you know. He told me something and I just wanted to ask you about it. He already told me I could. When you got home after your group session you two got into a fight. Jim said he went to take a jog afterwards. You followed him right?"
Spock gave another nod. "Yes. When I saw that he was heading for his normal jogging area I turned back and went home. I then proceeded to go on my own jog. When I came back Jim was already in the shower."
Jones looked through her notes as a frown formed on her lips. "You never heard him call out to you?"
"No doctor. Jim didn't try to contact me in anyway. He still hasn't spoken to me. Is there something I should know?" Spock sat forward watching the young doctor.
"Maybe. It could be nothing. Jim heard something in the woods. He thought it was you. Does anyone else go running in those woods?" The doctor asked as she looked back up at Spock.
"No. Not that I am aware of. We live in a less populated area. Mostly because I need a place to be away from all the minds I come into contact with every day." Spock took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Do you think I should be worried?"
Jones shook her head. "Not unless it happens again. It was likely a wild animal. Rural areas like that attract animals of all sorts. Go on a few runs with him just to be safe." With that they parted ways and Spock returned home.
Jim had kept himself busy through the rest of the week. He wasn't looking forward to speaking with Spock. He was still mad at him over everything. Now he wished he had spoken to him. They were due to go to their group counselling session and he was beyond worried. He chose to drive himself this time. He needed the time to think and tell himself that he would not blow up on Spock. He would not point fingers and accuse him of being the only one to blame.
Three minutes in until their appointment and Spock was still not there. He had sent multiple messages to Spock in the last ten minutes alone. Finally, he picked up his communicator and called. It picked up on the third ring. "Spock where are you?"
"Sorry Jim. I am stuck in traffic. I was held up after class and had to start out later then I intended. I will be there in five minutes." Spock's voice was soft over the phone as it normally was when he was using the car speakers to talk to Jim.
Jim felt anger, hot and boiling hit him like a truck. "Really? We are due to be in the session in less than a minute and you are stuck in traffic? Couldn't you come up with a better excuse? You are never late for anything."
There was a pause from the other end. "Jim, why are you angry? This is not like you. I have never been late but today seems to be the exception. I had trouble getting my car to start. I will be there shortly."
The angry just grew inside of Jim and he couldn't push it away. "You wouldn't know what I am really like because you are never here Spock. You are never here when I need you. Why is that? Do you even want this to work out? You are such a selfish bastard Spock. Do you even love me?"
"Jim, I-" The sound of metal screeching over metal filled the speakers before things went silent on Spock's end.
Jim held his breath. "Spock?" All the anger flowed away and he felt weak and sick. He covered his mouth so he could hear better. "Spock? Answer me?" He could hear the faint sound of screaming on the other end. It sounded like a woman. Dr. Jones stepped out of her office and he held out a hand to her. "Spock if you can hear me please answer me."
When no answer came Jim took off running. Spock would be coming from the academy. He was five minutes by car so that had to be fifteen minutes or so by foot if he walked. Jim ran until his lungs felt like rupturing in his body. There was a crowed and flashing lights. "No…" The single word became a mantra in Jim's mind as he rushed forward.
Someone caught him around his waist. "Let go of me! I need to see…oh god Spock…" His eyes started to go blurry. "Spock!" He fought against the arms that held him before getting free only for a second pair to stop him.
"Sir, you need to calm down. Do you know this man?" Someone's voice called to Jim but he didn't care. All he could see was Spock being removed from the car. There was so much blood everywhere. "Do you know him?"
"Yes…Yes I do. That's my husband. Let me go! I need to speak with him. Let me go!" He watched as they carefully laid Spock on the gurney before lifting him.
"Alright calm down. You can ride with him to the hospital. Just calm down." The officer released Jim and let the male rush forward.
Jim gently touched Spock's hand as he passed by. It was covered in green. It stained everything. Jim felt sick as he got into the ambulance with Spock. He gave as much information as he could until they wheeled Spock away from him. He sat alone in the waiting room. His hands stained green along with his clothes. "Please don't die…Please…"
A soft hand rested on his shoulder. "Sir?" Jim looked up at the young man standing in front of him. "Would you like me to call someone for you? So you won't be waiting alone?"
"No…um I can call them." When the nurse turned away Jim stopped him. "He is going to be alright…right?"
"I don't know. They are still preforming surgery and he lost a lot of blood. He seems like a strong person, and he has you waiting on him. I'm just a nurse but I hope he pulls through." He gave Jim a smile. "Can I get you a bottle of water or something?"
"Yeah, that would be great." Jim watched as the nurse walked away again. He bowed his head as he gripped the communicator in his hands. "I wouldn't come back for me if I was him." He flicked his communicator open and started scrolling through his contacts. He placed the device to his ear and waited. "Hey…this is Jim. I know I haven't called you before and this is a shitty reason to call you now. Sarek…there was an accident…they don't know if Spock is going to pull through…"
"Hey Spock…seems like you are still out of it. The doctors don't know why. Bones is here. His flight was delayed. You two are bastards for plotting against me. I love you for it but really?" The former captain spoke softly as he took the dead flowers out of the vases. He rearranged the rest of the living flowers and potted plants. The room was filled with balloons all wishing him well. There was flowers of all shapes and colors, not all of them in vases. There scent helped to cover the scent of chemicals that were used to keep the room clean. Jim smiled at the mountain of stuffed toys that lined the room. Spock would hate them.
"You have new cards wishing you well. I didn't think you would have any problem with me reading them to you. Your students keep coming by. They all love you even though they complain about all of the homework you have been giving them. Your father is on a flight here. He's worried about you. He might not say it but he is. I think he is starting to like me. He called me Jim while we spoke."
Spock laid unmoving in the bed. If it wasn't for the tubes sticking out from everywhere you would think he was just sleeping. But he was unnaturally still. His skin was pale and there was a lack of the natural green hue that normally dusted his skin. His hair lay fanned out around him instead of in its perfect alinement that Spock always kept it in. The hospital gown made his skin look even paler than normal. Spock wasn't meant to be this still.
The room became silent except for the sound of the machines keeping Spock alive. Jim slowly sank down onto the edge of the bed next to Spock. "You have to pull through this Spock. Damn it, I am so sorry for what I said to you. I'm so sorry Spock." Jim leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. "I love you Spock. I know what I said had to hurt, but I love you. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't keep going like this Spock. I don't feel stable. I I haven't been stable since…damn since Selek died."
He took a deep breath that shook as it came out. "I think…I've been faking being okay since then. I know in York Town I felt so…I think just about like this. I was going to quit being a captain. I felt numb Spock. Now that I think about it, I started to feel that way the day Selek died. I was able to push it away while we explored the nebula but I think it slowly started to creep back up. It got worse the closer we got to ending our five-year mission. I knew our family would break apart. It was after you kissed me that I was able to push this feeling away again.
Chekov and his decking out every doorway on the enterprise with mistletoe. Stupid kid…Remind me to thank him for that. The look on your face as you stepped out of the door while I was coming in. It was priceless how you blushed so dark green that I was worried you were going to faint." He smiled softly as he recalled the last Christmas on Enterprise. "You had avoided kissing everyone until then. I can't say I am sorry that it ended up that way. I was surprised by how gentle you were when you kissed me that first time. I think everyone cheered. For future reference, you don't have to kiss someone on the lips when you get trapped under a mistletoe with them. Kissing on the cheek is just fine."
Jim laced his fingers with Spock, gently giving him a Vulcan kiss. "I love you. Please wake up." Minuets passed as he rest his head on Spock's. His eyes closed. He wished again that he had better control over the bond. He wished he could enact a mind meld. He wanted so badly to talk to Spock so he could beg him for forgiveness. "Spock…I don't think I can survive if you were to die." He sighed and leaned back. "I…can't stop thinking about it. What I would do if you were no longer here. Each of those thoughts end the same. I don't like them but it's true. I don't see how I can go on without you."
Hours passed with him just sitting there watching Spock. He moved to sit in one of the two chairs beside his bed. The sound of slow rhythmic beeping filled the off white room. The steady sound of machine filling with air before pushing the air deep into lungs that refused to work on their own. He should have woken up by now. There was nothing wrong with him anymore. All the damage was healed weeks ago. They even tried slapping him hard to wake him. This couldn't be normal. How could Spock still be unconscious? His mind had function and yet his lungs would not take air on their own. His heart would not beat without the machine that forced it to.
The door opened and Jim looked up at Bones. His eyes rimmed in red. They were puffy and nearly black from the lack of sleep. "Bones…Why won't he wake up? They did everything right? Why won't he breath on his own? Why doesn't he wake up? I can't even hear him in my thoughts anymore. I've tried so hard to reach him and I can't."
Bones sighed and sat placing his hand on the other male's shoulder. "I don't know. There is absolutely no reason for him to be still unconscious. I've ran every test I can think of. I've consulted a few Vulcan healers and I really can't find anything that is preventing him waking up. Maybe…he…Jim, he might be gone. Have you thought about that? I know you don't want to think about it but, Jim, it's been three weeks. His brain function is so low that it's practically not there. Now, that's saying something for a Vulcan."
Jim laced his fingers together. "I know Bones. I just…I can't give up on him." He scrubbed his hands down over his face. "Bones, you know I love him. I think I loved him from the first time I saw him." He felt a smile form on his lips. "Well that might be stretching it. I wanted to sleep with him for sure." He laughed as Bones made a gagging sound. It brought a smile to Jim's face. "Shut up. I know you don't want to know about my sex life. I think I started to fall in love with him after the meld with Selek."
He bowed his head slowly and brought his head down to rest on his fists. "I felt the…way he loved his Jim. It was hard for him to see me and not feel the same love. I didn't understand it at the time but I did feel it and I wanted that. I think it sort of colored my view of Spock. But I wanted the same feeling from him. I may have tried to hit on him if he wasn't with Uhura. I'm kind of glad I didn't. No I am glad. If I had and he had been willing I don't think I could have been what he needed. I was way too young. Did you know in the other timeline we were older when we started out? Selek didn't mean to show me but some of his memories transferred to me. They were of the Enterprise and after. It took me a long while to figure them out. Took me even longer to make sense of them.
Did you know the other me had never been with a man until Selek? I had been a bastard in that world. Apparently I couldn't keep my hands off the ladies. Which, I mean, even in this world I couldn't keep my hands off women or men if I wanted them. But that me was in love with Selek and he was still going after women. He even knew Selek loved him. My father in that timeline had expectations for me. Most of them revolved around what a man should be. Homosexual wasn't part of his idea. It took them most of their Starfleet career for them to get together. I don't know what I would do if my father had lived and he had the same expectations."
Jim looked up at Bones. "I talked to Selek a few times about the memories that transferred over from him. They worked things out. My other self, he made peace with the fact that he couldn't be what his father wanted in a man and they worked things out. They were together until his Jim died." His eyes were growing glassy. "Bones, I can't let him go. Not knowing that they had their life together." He looked to the prone form laying in the bed. "Bones, do you know what the last thing I told him was? That he was a selfish bastard and that he didn't love me. I was just so angry and I couldn't stop it. I don't know where the anger came from or why it suddenly left when he was in the wreck." He blinked his eyes rapidly as hot tears slid down his face. "I can't let that be the last thing he hears from me."
Bones wrapped his arm around the thin shoulders of his former captain and pulled him against his chest. "Jim…" He felt Jim's shoulders shake below the layers of sweaters and shirts. "He wouldn't want you to kill yourself like this though. Jim you haven't eaten in days. You haven't slept in a week. The only thing you've done is shower and that's because there is a shower in this room. Jim you have to start taking care of yourself. If not for you then for him. What is he going to say when he wakes up?"
"That I am highly illogical for worrying and I need to get my shit together." That brought a laugh to both of them. "I don't want to let him go Bones. God, it is killing me just to see him like this. I won't survive it if he doesn't wake up." Jim's voice broke as he spoke. His hand gripped the back of Bones' shirt.
The shaking got worse and the once strong captain let Bones pull him closer. The sobs started making him gasp for air. If Jim had still been captain of the Enterprise, he wouldn't have let himself show this much weakness. Not to anyone. Sometimes he wished he was still the captain. "It's alright kid. You'll get through this. I'll be here for you."