Chapter 9: Dreams Tell Us What We Want To Know
Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different. Like all our favorite boys would be paired off with someone else. I also do not own The Boy In The Stripped Pajamas or any Disney films.
Author's Note: I am sorry it isn't as long as I wanted and this chapter has not been check by anyone but me.
WARNINGS: Language. Dub con. Pon Farr. Death of child.
Nothing changed for Spock. He wasn't getting better but he wasn't getting worst. Jim wondered if maybe Bones was right. Maybe he should just give up? He didn't want to. He didn't want to do anything. It took threats from Bones and Sarek for Jim to start eating again. Bones was practically living in their house and Sarek came by often. They refused to let him waist away at Spock's bedside. Bones even insisted on him going back to counseling even if he couldn't return to work.
Every session made him feel worst then before he went in. He was digging up a lot of demons. First with feeling like he could never live up to the father he never knew to losing the only two male role models he ever had, Pike and his uncle. It hurt to talk about them but later, after he could think about everything, he did feel better.
"Bones I am not drinking with you." Jim smiled as Sarek arched an eyebrow at him. "I don't drink anymore. I haven't touched the stuff for…nearly five months now."
"Horse shit. You never turn down good alcohol." Bones stared at Jim wondering yet again if he made the right choice in moving so far away from him. He was like his brother and if he had been here then maybe Jim wouldn't have been in this state.
"May I inquire as to why you do not wish to drink Jim?" Sarek asked as he took the glass offered by Bones. He of course could not get drunk from human alcohol but he found that it was best to humor the southern doctor.
Jim sipped on the smoothie Sarek had made for him. He found that it was easier to drink smoothies than it was to try to eat. Besides that, he loved the taste of them. "Because…the last time I got drunk I slept with another man. And no I don't want to talk about it. But yes that is why me and Spock are fighting. We're trying to work it out. Now get your butts over here and let's start the twenty first century movie marathon."
Jim found himself squeezed between the two males as he hugged Spock's pillow in his lap. The movies were mostly from Disney about princesses and magic. He didn't have to think for a few hours as they watched a princess who could build castles out of snow and another turn their mother into a bear. Jim found himself leaning on Bones' shoulder as his eyes grew heavy.
The sleepy human lifted his head as Sarek flicked through a new set of movies to watch. "Hey what we watching now?" He rubbed his eyes and tried to sit up a little more.
"I was thinking of a documentary of human history. It should bore you enough to fall asleep." He spoke as the opening began to play. A flag made of red, white, and black showed on the screen before melting into children running and playing in a plaza. It switched to a house being packed up and a lady getting out of a very old car.
"Hey, isn't that model made in the…nineteen thirties to the nineteen forties?" Jim asked as he sat up just a little more.
"Of course you would perk up by the sight of an old car. I'm not sure. It was before the third world war." Bones looked at Sarek. "What era is this taking place in?"
Sarek grabbed a blanket and laid it over Jim as he once more laid his head on Bones' shoulder. "I believe Jim is right. It is the earth's early years. That symbol was used by what was once a German ruler. If my memory is correct about early Earth history I believe this movie takes place in World War One. When Hitler was in power."
The movie quickly turned from the boys playing as airplanes to people being forced into the back of truck. "Huh…you sure know your stuff." Jim said as he watched the movie. "We really don't cover that sort of history in school anymore. Too old I suppose. Wasn't World War One about…"
Bones felt Jim shift on the couch to sit up fully. "Genocide I think."
Jim swallowed and felt his stomach drop. He had a feeling he would not like this movie. Two painful hours later and he knew for a fact that he really did not like the movie. He blinked rapidly a few times before standing. He gave a smile to both men. "I'm tired…I think I'm going to go to bed."
He glanced back to the screen that had the ending credits rolling. He could have lived without ever watching the movie. "Jim are you alright?" Sarek asked as he too stood seeing his son-in-law wobble on his feet.
"Yeah. Totally. I'm fine. Just really tired." He pulled his sweater tighter around his thin frame. "I'm just tired. I'm going to go to bed. Why don't you two go ahead and eat dinner or watch more movies?"
He gave them one last smile before going to his room. Bones shared a look with Sarek. "I don't think we should have let him watch that."
"Indeed. However, I did not think he would have such a strong reaction to it. Maybe the movie reminded him of Spock's condition. He has never been in a situation like that in Starfleet, correct?" Sarek tilted his head to the bedroom and frowned as he heard the bathroom fan turn on.
Bones shook his head. "No. Never. What's up? Is he okay in there?" Bones turned to look down the hall trying to hear anything out of the ordinary.
"I believe Jim is throwing up. Should we check on him?" Sarek stood and took a few steps to the hall.
Bones stood as well and walked down the hall. He stood outside of Jim's door and listened to him empty the contents of his stomach before turning on the water. Moments later Jim was in his bedroom getting into bed. Bones walked to Sarek and shook his head. "No, let the kid sleep. He needs it. We can ask him in the morning." He let out a sigh. "Should have stuck with the princesses."
Jim walked in a barren land filled with rock and dust. The air was hot and the sun was merciless. He felt like he was going to die. He couldn't die. He had others looking up to him for survival. He had to live. If only just to see them safe in a new life. His eyes burned as he made his way over large rocks. The skin on his hands broke and bled. He had to get to that cave. He could rest for just a while and make his way back to the others.
He pulled himself up onto the ledge gasping for air. His thin arms shook as he pushed himself up from where he collapsed. A hand reached out for him and he nearly fell back over the cliff face in fright. That hand clamped down on his arm and pulled him forward. He lay panting beside the other boy and smiled. "Thanks. I owe you."
Brown eyes stared into his own blue. "That would be illogical. Why are you out here? Can you inform me of where we are?"
Jim sat back and stared at the strange boy with a bowl cut hair. He looked clean which Jim hadn't been in days. He also looked well fed. He had on strange clothes that Jim had never seen before. "You hit your head or something? How can you not know where we are? Where you come from anyways? You didn't come from the colony did you?"
The dark haired boy shook his head. "No. I am not sure how I got here. What do you know of this place? Are we on a desert world?"
Jim shook his head. "No. It wasn't like this a few months ago. I don't know what happened…you should stay away from any of the adults. Especially those in uniform. They will try to take you in or worst. I wouldn't go near any of the older children either. I have some kids waiting on me to get back. We don't have much but extra set of hands are always welcomed."
The boys sat in silence for a while. "You never answered where you come from." Jim stated as he looked the boy over once again. The green hue of his skin was strange. It was then Jim noticed the points to the other boy's ears. "You have pointed ears!" He quickly reached for them and traced them with his fingers. "They are so cute. What are you anyways?"
The other boy pushed Jim's hands away. "Please do not do that. They are very sensitive. I am a Vulcan." Clouds above them started to roll in as the sky lit with lightening. Thunder made the ground shake. "What is your name?"
Jim stared at his hands watching as they became soaked in green blood. "Vulcan…like him…"
Two small hands wrapped around Jim's as the other boy stared at the blood appearing around them. Red and green mixing together in thick waves. "Like who? What is going on?"
Jim looked up into very human brown eyes. Brown eyes he should know. "Spock…" The world began to crumble around them and Jim fell. Only the other boy's hand on his wrist kept him from falling to his death.
"How do you know my name? Who are you?" The Vulcan asked as he pulled trying to lift the small and clearly underfed human back up. His eyes widen as Jim whispered a single world, Ashayam. "Jim…" The blood soaked hand slipped through his. "Jim!"
Jim fell into a pool of green and red. It sucked at his clothes and skin. It drug him under refusing to let him go. Thousands of rotting corpse pointed at him chanting words he could not hear.
Jim sat up in bed screaming. He kicked and shoved until all the blankets were off his body. He gasped for air. He could still taste the blood in his mouth. He could feel it on his skin. Two people called his name. His eyes quickly searched for them. They were safe. He saw Bones and Sarek standing in the door way of his bedroom.
"Nightmare…" He mumbled as he pushed his sweaty hair back from his face. He couldn't help the cringe he gave. The sweat had soaked his hair making it one wet mess.
"Nightmare Jim? You woke up the whole damn neighborhood screaming like that. What the hell could it have been that made you scream like someone was killing you?" Bones rubbed over the spot where his heart should be. He was sure it had jumped out of his chest and ran away as he woke up from dead sleep to his friend screaming.
Jim flopped back on the bed. "Nothing Bones. Just a really bad dream." He closed his eyes and covered them with one arm. He would have to shower after this.
"Jim you forget I was your damn roommate for years at the academy. You have never screamed like this. What gives?" He walked to the bed and sat at the foot leaving the chair open for Sarek. The older man took the seat.
Jim sighed and looked at Bones. "I had a strange dream. Nothing to it. I was a kid and I met Spock as a kid. Then things got disturbing. I died. It isn't anything to worry about."
Bones just gave him a look asking if he was out of his mind. "Jim…is it because of the movie?"
The former captain groaned and pushed himself out of his laying position. "No Bones. It doesn't matter. I just had a bad dream. I am going to take a shower. I feel disgusting."
As soon as Jim disappeared into the bathroom Bones and Sarek returned to the kitchen. "You think he is lying?" He asked the older Vulcan. They had surprisingly hit it off with each other over the mutual need to protect Jim.
"Perhaps, his heart sped up when he said it was just a bad dream. It could be caused by the stress of the dream. He has never had dreams like that before?" Sarek stared at the bedroom door where it stood closed. His eyes returned to Bones as the doctor shook his head. "As I am sure you are aware Vulcans are telepathic. With training we can sense things. Jim was terrified. Whatever had happened in his dream made him scared beyond measure."
Jim could not fall back asleep after he had that dream. It was so real. He could remember the way the sun had beat down on him. He could remember the way Spock's hand felt on his. He dressed in warm clothes and slipped into the living room. Bones was snoring lightly on the couch. Sarek was in Spock's room. He pulled on his shoes at the door before slipping out into the early predawn light. He needed to feel normal. Running always helped him.
He wasn't too surprised when he heard the door open and Sarek stood there. "I'm not a kid that needs babysitting. I'm just going on a run. Spock use to run with me. He would always do a few extra laps after I finished but we use to do this together."
Sarek nodded and stepped out into the brisk air. "I know you are not a child Jim but I felt that you would like to have company on your run. As I am older then Spock is perhaps you would be kind enough to keep it slow for me?"
Jim did a double take before a smile spread across his face. "Are…are you trying to joke with me? Why? Shouldn't you hate me? I had sex with someone who wasn't your son. I am the reason we are in counseling in the first place."
Not waiting for an answer Jim started his jog and Sarek kept pace beside him. "Simply put Jim, I do not hate you. You know Vulcans do feel we just do not let our emotions cloud our judgement. You are a good man and I can feel the regret you have. However, I do not think I have the whole picture. Why would you cheat on Spock in the first place? When you started dating my son you failed to notice anyone but him when they flirted with you. Except for those that reminded you of Spock. Those you would subconsciously flirt with."
Jim looked at Sarek. "I did not!" He tried to think and felt his face burn as he realized he had flirted with people that reminded him of Spock. "At least I didn't mean to."
"That is why I said subconsciously. Jim would you answer me if I asked why you went to that bar that night and what happened?" Sarek slowed as Jim slowed his jog into a light walk.
Jim looked around before sighing. "I…I went to the bar because we were not talking. Two months and we had not said a word to each other. I couldn't take it anymore and got drunk. I had just wanted to forget that we were fighting. Instead I winded up waking up in some stranger's room with a killer hangover and…well you know the rest. I had sex with him. End of story. I went home. Things got worst with Spock and we sought counseling."
They had nearly stopped walking as Jim thought about that night. "What caused you two to fight in the first place?"
Jim licked his lips and looked around. "Would you believe me if I were to say it doesn't matter?" When all he got was a blank stare he sighed. "I thought not. With the destruction of Vulcan…some things have been thrown off. Certain cycles…" He raised his eyebrows and Sarek nodded in understanding. "We thought we would have more time but instead of every seven years it seems it has shortened down to every three. Nyota being his first time ever…With the bond being so new and stuff…You know Nyota was pregnant right? When he went into Pon Farr he sensed it and things were easy for them.
He mostly wanted to cuddle with her and dolt on her. With mind blowing sex but nothing that could harm the child or Nyota." He looked away as he started to walk a little faster. "It…wasn't the same for me. I don't know why. Well other than the fact that I was a guy. He would get angry that the meld wouldn't work. It hurt so much…I get emotional transference from a mind meld…but this…it was like my skin was being ripped off and my brain being shoved into a blinder. When Selek initiated a mind meld it didn't hurt like that."
Jim wouldn't look a Sarek as he continued down the familiar path. "Not to mention it hit suddenly and without warning. It also lasted eight days instead of the three he thought it would. We really didn't get to discuss what we would do when it came down to it. He gave me some basic guidelines but it really did not help. Three really. Don't fight him as it could lead him to hurting me. Don't leave him again because he could see it as me trying to get away…"
His words dropped off as they climbed the hill. "What was the third rule he gave you Jim?"
Jim stopped and looked out at the woods that lined the road. They were getting further away from the houses and into the place he would go to when he needed to clear his head. "Never ask for help from anyone."
He tried to continue the walk but Sarek stopped him with a gentle but firm hand on his arm. "What happened Jim?"
The human looked away taking in the woods and the soft sounds of animals getting ready for winter. "I'm not an overly religious person. I have no idea where I will go after I die. I know that Vulcan's Katra goes to the collective group after a Vulcan dies. I just hope that wherever I end up it is with Spock…About day three or so I begged for it to end. I prayed because I just couldn't take it anymore. Spock tried to kill me. Where it was just bruises before he broke bone. When he had his hands around my throat I thought I was going to die. It was like the bridge all over again but you were not there to tell him to stop.
I know…it wasn't him. Primal urges he can't stop. So I don't blame him for hurting me. I just…I needed time before I could let him touch me. We went two months without speaking to each other. Then the bar happened. We went another three without talking. We started talking at the beginning of last month. Even agreed to go to counseling. I hugged him." Jim tilted his head up as he blinked rapidly. It didn't help much with the tears that pooled in his eyes.
"We even got to cuddle in bed again. Do you realize just how hard it is to want to touch someone and know that you can't because you see them hurting you every time you get close to? Every night I would dread going to sleep because I couldn't stop the dreams. They were worst then what happened. He would actually kill me or it would never stop."
Sarek gave a soft sigh and pulled Jim lightly against him. "Actually I do know what you mean. I hurt Amanda in a similar way. Not intentionally of course but I did hurt her in much the same way Spock hurt you. We never told Spock of course. However, it did lead to us having problems. She spent two years unable to bear my touch and I gave her the space she needed. The only difference between our situations is I talked to her and sought a tutor to help me control my urges in those times. Humans are very fragile compared to being with another Vulcan. We have to restrain ourselves. I am sorry Jim. For what has happened to you and for not teaching my son better control."
Jim made a face as he pulled away. "One that is beyond creepy hearing you say you're sorry especially for something you did not do. Two I don't think any son would want to have that sort of conversation with their father. How would that even go? No don't answer that. I really don't want to know." Jim shook his head before going back to jogging. "Don't you even think about trying to enlighten me." He makes a gagging sound and scrunches his nose. "Nope picturing it is bad enough."
They shared a laugh as they finished their run. Jim felt lighter after talking about what happened. He would have to apologies to Spock for spilling the beans to his father but that mean Spock would need to wake up for that.
Jim was walking through the woods. All of the trees were husk of what they use to be. Grey and covered broken, there was not even a single leaf on any of the trees. There was no sounds of animal or bugs. Everything was dying. This whole world was dying. He would die too hopefully protecting the others but he couldn't control that. He was careful not to touch any of the white fuzzy growth that covered the fallen trees.
The fungus would attack anything that was alive and would kill him in a slow painful death if he wasn't careful. Jim wouldn't have come anywhere near the forest if he hadn't been running for his life. They were broadening their search patterns. They would find the hideout if he didn't get back in time.
He stumbled out into the clearing and froze seeing he was not alone. A boy slightly older then himself was kneeling next to a fallen tree examining the fungus that grew there. He started to reach out to touch it. Before Jim knew what he was doing he tackled the boy to the ground and away from the deadly plant.
"Are you crazy or do you just want to die?!" Jim hissed as he stared at the taller male. The first thing he noticed was the startling brown eyes and then the cute nose. Next came the pointed ears and strange bowl cut hair. "Why would you try to touch it? It will kill you!"
The boy grabbed his arms. "Jim! Where are we and why are you a child? What is this place? Where did you go the last time?"
Jim pulled away from the other boy frowning. He freed the knife and placed it against the strange elf like boy's throat. "Who are you and how do you know my name?!" He was breathing hard. "You were sent by him weren't you? You had to be. Just look at you." Green blood oozed over the thin blade making Jim frown even more. He had never seen green blood before.
"Green…" The area around them wavered. Where there had been dead trees and gray dirt there were sky scrapers and cars. One destroyed and dyed in green blood. Jim backed away as he felt his stomach lurch.
The strange child reached out for him grabbing his arm. "Jim!"
Jim gasped for air as he sat up from where he had nodded off in the chair beside Spock's hospital bed. He rubbed his eyes as Bones entered the room with a bottle of water and a bag of chips. "You alright Jim? You're paler then death kid. What happen?"
Jim took the bottle of water. "Nothing…Just a dream." He leaned back against the seat of his chair. "Bones…I haven't once dreamed of Spock's accident in the eight weeks since the crash. For the last two days I've been dreaming about Spock. Now either I am a shitty husband that doesn't care that their bondmate isn't waking up or…"
Bones sat in the unoccupied chair. Sarek was away on business at the moment and wasn't able to join them on this visit. "Or you are starting to accept that he might not be waking up? Jim you were not sleeping when I got here. I had to hypo you so you would sleep. Do you realize how badly your vitals where thrown off by the time I hypoed you? You were days from killing yourself from lack of sleep alone. You were hallucinating Jim!
So maybe you didn't dream about him or you couldn't remember if you did. Jim, have you thought that maybe you are finally comfortable enough to sleep more than four hours every two days? I know I'm just a doctor and have no clue what I am say when it comes to dream interpretation. I just think that you dreaming about him is a good thing. It helps you work out your stress and…might help you learn something from the dreams."
Jim smiled as he sipped his water. "Learn something huh? I doubt it but alright. I don't know what I could possibly learn from seeing child Spock."
Bones laughed and looked at Spock. "Child Spock? Have you ever seen him as a kid? I don't think that would be very cute at all. I bet he had a sour look on his face even then."
The former captain tilted his head. "Huh…I don't think I actually ever saw a picture of Spock as a child. I probably saw a Vulcan child when we rescued them…Maybe. I really don't remember. But you can't make things up in your dreams. Everything in dreams comes from seeing it in real life. Even if you don't remember it. And you actually dream in color for the most part. Though the colors are normally muted. You just think they are vibrant when you wake up."
Both of the two men sat in silence. "Jim, what did his father say about Spock? Couldn't he just…do the mind voodoo and see why he isn't waking up?"
Sighing Jim shook his head. "No…He tried. He…can tell that Spock is still in there but he cannot reach him. Something about Spock being too deep in himself to be reached. He is trying to contact mind healers on New Vulcan but they are needed there. Apparently many of their youths are hitting Pon Farr early and aggressively. The destruction of Vulcan has thrown off many of their cycles. The average change to the cycle is between two and three years. Of course not everyone is affected like this. The elders and those close to Spock's father's age haven't been affected."
Bone nodded and looked at Jim as he rolled the water bottle between his fingers. "It makes sense. It is just nature's way to save their species." Bones stood and grabbed Jim's arm. "Alright you. Let's go. You are not spending all day moping by his bedside. You may be on medical leave from work but that does not mean you need to spend every second in this room. I know I am going to regret saying this but we are going to the gym and get in a good work out. Hopefully I don't die trying to keep up with you."
Jim laughed as he let Bones pull him up from the seat. "Oh hush you. I'm sure you can keep up with me now. I haven't exactly been taking care of myself. Granted I did gain ten pounds since you and Sarek have been shoving food in my face every chance you get."
Jim stood in the pouring rain. It chilled him to the bone and made both his feet and hands go numb. His eyes would not move from the pile of rocks that housed the youngest of his children. They were his to protect and he was failing them. Why couldn't Starfleet come already? Why did they have to let them suffer a slow death? Why didn't his mother come? She had to realize by now none of her mail had been answered.
He hated her. He hated Starfleet for abandoning them. Jim wanted them to burn. It wasn't some great organization that did big and important things. It was just a lie. They took everything from him. His father. His mother. Even Sam. His aunt and uncle. If Starfleet hadn't been short on the supply drop then his aunt would still be here. His uncle who was showing him how to build a bike would still be here.
He heard the sound of a rock sliding against another. It could be one of those soldiers. He should try to get away but he just couldn't. He couldn't do it anymore. Jim just wanted it to end. Blue orbs met brown as a small boy was suddenly across from Jim. He wanted to laugh at the sight. So he did. He didn't care that it was more manic than anything else. Or how it broke into sobs even though his eyes refused to shed more tears.
"I'm finally seeing things…Well at least you are pretty for a hallucination. You look like a fairy. Are you a fairy? Did you cause all this because we came here? Sam told me about fairies…they can do anything. They can grant any wish. Can you grant my wish?"
The fairy like creature came closer and took his cold hands into their slightly larger ones. "That would depend on the wish Jim." Brown eyes stared at him as the fairy child rubbed his hands bringing warmth back into them.
Jim was a little afraid that this fairy boy knew his name but it was understandable. Fairies were smart and knew a lot of things. "Can you bring back Malia? She was only six months old. She just wouldn't stop coughing. The fever wouldn't go down. I tried."
He felt warm arms wrap around him pulling him close. It hurt to be touched. His body was nothing but skin stretched over bone now. "I cannot bring back the dead Jim. I did not cause this calamity that has stripped this world bare. Can you tell me what happened here? I come from somewhere far away and I want to help. Tell me how I can help."
The human finally began to shiver as warmth returned to his limbs. "Starfleet didn't bring as much supplies as they normally did. Then there was crop failure. The forest started to be taken over. It killed all the animals…" Jim kept staring over the fairy's shoulder to the pile of rocks. There was someone else that needed him. Someone that he held very dear. "If you can't help the dead can you help the living? There is someone I love…I would do anything for him but I can't get to him."
He felt the fairy stiffen at the words love and can't get to him. "Why can't you get to him? I might be able to help if I know what is preventing you from getting to the person you love."
Jim frowned as he tried to recall a face or a name. "I can't remember…I don't know anymore…" He had to remember his precious person. "Brown…his eyes are brown. And he wears blue." Jim turned and looked at the fairy. "He has your eyes…What is your name?"
The fairy looked away and then back at him. "I don't want you to go away again. Jim, please try to stay with me."
The frown deepened on Jim's face. "I don't understand. This is the first time we met. I have to go back. I have the kids that need me. They won't survive if I stay with you. Why don't you come with me?"
The rain began to freeze. The grave was swept away and they stood on an icy plain. Jagged and razor sharp spikes of ice stood up everywhere. "Jim, I cannot go with you. Have you ever heard of a fairy tale of sleeping beauty? The princess couldn't wake up without the prince's help. Can you help me Jim? I will help you with the person you love if you can wake me up. Please some-"
Jim jerked awake and nearly fell off the bed as someone shook him awake. Jim felt his heart try to beat its way out of his chest as he tried to get away from the enemy. He fell out of bed and kicked the sheets from his legs. He got up quickly before backing away from whoever was in his room. His back hit the wall as he stared at a man who was slightly older then him with brown eyes.
The frighten man rubbed his face and groaned. "Damn it Bones! Don't do that to me. You scared me half to death."
Bones snorted and picked up the blankets that had spilled onto the floor. "Don't Bones me. You were crying in your sleep. I would have left you be but you started thrashing about. I was afraid that you would have hurt yourself. You were calling out for Spock…"
The former captain sighed and made his way back to bed. "You are such an ass Bones." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't think I am going to be able to go back to sleep now." He looked at the clock. It was barely two in the morning. "Is Sarek still here?"
"No he left shortly after you went to bed. Why?" Bones handed Jim a glass of water that he had intended to drink for himself but upon hearing Jim cry out he had forgotten it.
Jim looked up at Bones after he finished off the water. "Because I need to talk to him. I think there is more to my dreams. It isn't just the vividness of them Bones, it's like it is real. Taste, sound, touch, all of it. Dreams are not like that. Yeah I get really vivid dreams but not like these have been. When I wake up I have to question if it they are real."