Chapter 12: Break Me Before You Go
Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.
Author's Notes: So…here we are nearly a year after my last post. I am so so sorry about leaving you guys like that. I make no promises on keeping it up to date but I am going to try to be better. I hope you guys have stuck around. Anyways everyone got their chocolates blankets, and comfort items? Yes? Good you are going to need them.
I do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.
WARNINGS: Um…Feel fest? Might be triggering. Please be causes as you read this.
Jim paced the room in a nervous daze as Bones' had yet to return to the room. It had been hours since Jim had heard anything. The tricorder the southern doctor had gotten ahold of did find a strange element that it could not identify. So they were running more test. It was driving Jim crazy. He wanted them to fix Spock and he wanted it now. This was the closest he had gotten to feeling hope in a long time. He turned as he reached the end of his twelve steps and spotted Spock's father who had stayed with him the for the last four hours waiting for news of some sort.
"Jim, perhaps you should set down? You haven't eaten in over twelve hours. You are starting to show signs of fatigue." Serek spoke from his spot near the opposite wall.
"I can't. If I stop moving…I just can't. How long does it take to run some test? Come on Bones." He huffed and continued his pacing. His eyes trailed over the unconscious form of his bondmate. Jim was this close to having Spock back. He could say he was sorry. He could tell him everything. He just needed Bones to fix the half Vulcan.
"Jim, you will not be any good to Spock if you pass out now from lack of sleep and proper nutrition. I will watch over him. Go and get something to eat." Serek's voice was soft as he spoke. Jim knew what he was doing. They only used that voice when they were concerned that he was slipping too far. If he wanted to avoid hypo sprays and lectures from Bones he would have to do as Serek said.
With a long-suffering groan and a huff, Jim slipped out of the room. He quickly hunted down the nearest vending machine. Standing there staring at the choices made him sick. What was the point in trying to eat right now? It would just come back up. Still Bones was likely to hypospray him if he didn't get something in his stomach. He left the vending machine in search of the cafeteria. They at least might have something that didn't make him want to void the contents of his stomach just by looking at them.
Three floors and two wrong turns later Jim found the small dining area he was looking for. He grabbed fruit and yogurt before going to the cashier and paying for the items. Putting them in his jacket pocket Jim started walking. "Mr. Kirk?" A young voice called out making him turn. "I thought that was you. Hi. How is your husband doing?"
A long pause followed before Jim was able to say anything. "I'm sorry but do I know you?" Her face was familiar but he really couldn't place where he saw her from. The woman smiled and offered her hand. Out of habit Jim took the offered hand and shook it.
"Sorry I guess you really wouldn't recognize me. I'm the nurse in charge of taking care of Mr. Spock. You've been there a few times when I came to do my rounds. The name is Len. Let me walk you back? You look kind of pale. Wouldn't want you to pass out and become a patient yourself." She gave a smile as she took her hand back rebalancing the tray of food.
"Right sorry. It's been a very stressful time. I am normally better at remembering people." Jim said as he started walking. "I look that bad huh?" The woman nodded sending her blonde curls bouncing. "That's well…I grabbed food…" A grimace pulled at his lips. That was not smooth at all. "I really am sorry. I'm not normally so…"
"Out of it? It's fine. I know how it feels to watch someone you care about suffer and not be able to do anything to help them." Len said as she kept pace with the former captain.
"Is that why you became a nurse?" They came to a door which put a halt to their conversation as Jim held it open for her.
"Yes, in fact it is. My father. He was badly burned when I was a child. It was an act of terrorism. He spent months recovering. I lost my mother in that attack. They never caught the ones that caused the fire." Len gave a sad smile as they continued on their way. "I do what I can now to take care of him."
They walked in silence back to Spock's room. Jim waved to the nurse as she continued on to the nurses' station. He paused as he stared at Serek. "Any changes?" He sat on the chair next to the older male before pulling out the cup of yogurt and fruits. He passed over a banana. "Yeah I know Vulcans don't eat with their hands but it's all I have for you. And don't give me the bull crap about not needing to eat as often as a human. It didn't work with Spock. It won't work with you."
There was the famous eyebrow raise. "I had no intentions of arguing with you Jim. If by eating fruit with my hands you eat as well, I see no logical reason not to." They ate in silence with Jim stirring his yogurt more than eating it but he did eventually get it down albeit long after Serek had finished the fruit.
"Doctor McCoy was here while you were gone. They may have isolated what was used to keep Spock asleep. Apparently, it is a compound of two medicines reacting with his Vulcan blood. They are working on something that should flush it from his system. If not, we just have to wait for the medicine to run its course." Serek watched his son as he spoke.
Looking away from where his husband lay in bed to the ambassador Jim felt his stomach sink. "Do we know if this was an accident?"
For a moment the older Vulcan did not speak. "That I cannot tell you. They are investigating everyone who has had contact with Spock. On their own the medicines should not have caused any issues. It is the hybrid nature of his blood that caused the problem."
"So there is no way to prove it either way? Great." Jim sighed and leaned back in his chair crossing his arms. His eyes slowly fell shut and he became blissfully unaware for the next few hours. Jim jerked awake as a strong hand shook his shoulder. He struggled to get out of his chair and face whoever touched him.
"Jim thought you might want to wake up now." Bones' voice filtered through his foggy head making him settle down instead of start swinging. A soft groan left Jim's lips. "Here drink this. You've been out for six hours."
He blinked slowly and rubbed at his eyes. "Why did you let me sleep so long?" He mumbled as he looked around. Anything he might have said else froze. He nearly fell out of his chair as he struggled to stand and move forward at the same time. "Spock?!"
Serek turned away from his son to catch Jim before he fell on the floor. "Careful Jim." Whatever else was said was lost as Jim moved to the bed where Spock was blinking sluggishly.
"Spock?" He whispered seeing his bondmate awake. His heart dropped into his stomach when those eyes shut again and didn't open. "Spock?" The word came out as a croak. His hands shook as he placed one on Spock's shoulder.
"He's showing signs of fully waking up Jim. We synthesized something to counter the medicine he was given. He's going to be okay kiddo." Bones' southern drawl filled the room as he laid a hand on his best friend's shoulder. "If all goes well he'll be awake in a few hours. Come on. You need a shower and a change of clothes. Thankfully I had the foresight of bringing you some. You can borrow the showers meant for staff. I don't think you want the hobgoblin to wake up to a smelly husband."
With a few more prods from the doctor Jim followed his friend out of the room to grab a quick shower and a change of clothes.
It was like being held under water until your lungs nearly burst only to surface to take in the air you desperately needed. That was how Spock felt as he opened his eyes and they were able to stay open. His father sat in a chair next to his bed. He recalled the last time he opened his eyes Jim had been there. "Where's Jim?" His voice came out rough from a long time of disuse.
"He went with Doctor McCoy to shower. We figured it would give him something to do while we waited for you to wake up." Serek spoke calmly though his own voice shook slightly. "It is…good to see you awake Spock. The appropriate thing here would be to ask how are you feeling."
His arms shook as Spock pushed himself into a siting position. "Satisfactory Father. Tell me how long was it that Jim left?"
Frowning Serek looked down at his son. "Twenty-three minutes and seven seconds ago. Spock you should not move around yet. I can go get Jim for you."
With quick and efficient hands Spock began removing wires and tubes from his body. "That will not be necessary. I have no intentions of speaking to him."
"Spock?" His father's voice rose as he stood from his sit to stop his son from removing anymore of the monitors. "What is the meaning of this?"
"It is exactly as I said. I have no intentions of speaking with Jim. I am returning to New Vulcan. Please make arrangements for transportation." His hands tightened in the blankets over his lap.
"Spock, this is not like you. You just woke up from a coma. Give it some time. I am sure things will clear up-" Whatever he was about to say died in his throat as he saw tears slide down his sons face. "Spock…This will hurt Jim if you leave without giving him a reason."
"I think I will hurt him either way. At least in this it will cause the least amount of pain. Please. Make arrangements so I can leave." His voice shook as he stared at his lap. His father could not understand. He had not been in Jim's mind. He had not heard the things Spock had. This was the best thing for them.
"…Alright Spock. However, I do expect an explanation." He slipped out of the room leaving Spock alone.
In a matter of seconds Spock removed himself of all the wires and tubes. His legs nearly gave out when he stood but they held. He would need to leave before Jim got back. It would hurt them less if they did not have another fight. Spock made his way to the nurses' station. "I want to sign my release forms." He held up a hand as soon as the woman started arguing. "If you don't give me the forms I will simply walk out of here."
"Sir I can't do that. You…You shouldn't even be up moving around. Let me go get the doctor." She was staling he knew that. He did not have time to waste. Already he could feel Jim leaving the showers. He would be back in seven minutes and thirty seconds.
Without saying another word, he walked away from the desk and returned to his room to dress in the clothes that someone had brought for him. Three minutes. Spock pulled on his shoes and stood. Once again, he made his way out of his room. Ignoring the nurses he made his way down the hall away from where he felt Jim.
"Spock!" He stopped walking hearing his bondmates voice. He swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat and started walking again. "Spock wait!" He felt a stab of pain where his heart was. This was what the humans meant when they said they felt heart break. A human hand grabbed his arm but he refused to stop. "What the hell Spock talk to me!"
He stopped and looked down at his bondmate. "What do you want me to say Jim? You already know what I am doing." Another crack formed in his heart at the look on Jim's face.
"Why?" A choking sound escaped Jim's lips as tears formed in his eyes. "Why now? After everything. After watching you lay on that bed for weeks? Why?"
Spock let his eyes slide over Jim to McCoy. It was good to know Jim would not be alone after this. "Because Jim, this is not good for either of us. One day it will either kill you or me. I can not watch that happen. Tell me you would not have sought your death if I had not awoken. Jim, I saw how you felt. This bond is killing you. It will fade if I am not around and you will be free to live."
Rage soon replaced the despair on Jim's face. "Do not make my choices for me, Spock. Don't you dare. You don't get to do that."
A soft sigh fell from Spock's lips. "And you do not get to make my choices for me. I will not watch this kill you Jim." Spock leaned in close so no one would hear what he had to say. He needed Jim to let go. "I need to think about what is best for both of us Jim. You cannot even stand my touch anymore. What happens in seven years? Will you be over what I did to you by then? I will die Jim one way or the other. If I hurt you again I will not live with myself." He pulled away from his former captain watching the flash of horror, fear, sadness cross his husband's face. Spock looked away from the pain he saw his eyes falling on his father's form in the lobby. "Good bye Jim."
A sob fell from Jim's lips. "Damn it Spock…Fuck you. You…I…" Each curse falling from Jim's lips made the cracks along Spock's heart break. He refused to look back at the man he loved.
Author's Note 2: This is not the end. We have made it about half way through the story. Honestly, I lost flow of the story for a while and tried so many times to pick it back up. I no longer remember the original scene I had planned out but I hope this one makes up for it and seems reasonable. We still need our chocolates and blankets.