Chapter 14: The Scars We Do Not Hide

Disclaimer: Again I still do not own Star Trek. Many things would have been different.

I still do not have a beta so all mistakes are mine.

WARNINGS: This chapter contains triggering material. Please read carefully. Mentions of past self harm.

Late afternoon wore on into night as Jim watched his son slowly warm up to Spock's child. Wasn't that something? Spock having a child. He never would have imagined that. It was a good thing. Spock seemed more comfortable with himself now that he was a father. As David yawned for the sixth time in the last ten minutes Jim stood. "Okay it's time for little boys to go to sleep. Well at least mine needs to."

He scooped up the tiny tot. "But Daddy not sleepy…" He grumbled even as he rubbed his eyes and curled into Jim's chest.

"I do not require sleep however I can meditate while David sleeps." Lhai stood as he spoke, following Jim like a duckling. A little over half an hour later he had David washed in PJ's and sound asleep in the bed leaving the door open. Lhai having made himself comfortable next to the smaller child to meditate for the night.

Jim made his way back into the living room looking over his shoulder at his son's room. "Okay please tell me he is like that back on New Vulcan."

Spock raised his eye brow in that way of his. "I am not sure I understand what you mean." His tone clearly said he knew and was pretending not to know.

"You know what I mean. Is he normally…clingy? Do I need to worry about setting up play dates from now on? So far David hasn't really expressed an interest in others his own age." Jim waved his hand in the general direction of his son's bedroom. "It's a little strange to see him taken with someone in a few hours when it took me two months to get him to talk to me."

As he spoke Jim went around collecting toys and blankets his son had drug out putting them away. He was stalling he knew that. He needed to keep his hands busy. Slowly he ran out of distractions before he sat down on the couch across from Spock. He turned on his PADD before going into his documents. A few more taps lead him to what he wanted.

"When I first got this a few months ago I thought it was some sort of glitch. It was just suddenly on my PADD. I tried getting rid of it but nothing I did would remove it. So I finally ran some test to make sure it didn't contain a virus. It came back clean and I tried opening it. Except it was protected by a password. Four of them to be exact. I got that unlocked within the first week. Not all that hard. But then I came across this."

Sliding the PADD across the table Jim tapped the screen lightly showing the wall of text. "It's a set of files. All of them are locked with a password. The problem is I can't figure out the language to even beginning guessing at the answer."

Several minutes passed in silence as Spock scrolled through the thirteen files. Each one he opened to find where a password prompt came up noting the different symbols in each prompt. "I do not see a common link between any of these."

A soft groan left Jim's mouth as he slouched in his chair. "Come on you have to give me something better than that! Nothing stands out to you? There has to be a reason for this right?"

Spock arched a brow and he glanced up from the PADD. "If there is one I have not come across it. It will take some time. There are some questions that need to be answered. Why were you given these files? Were they meant for you or were they given to you accidentally? What were the first four passwords?"

Jim lowered his crossed arms staring at the PADD between them. "Fair enough. I don't know if it was meant for me. The passwords were easy. A child could do it. The first one was in English. A riddle. What three things are not long hidden?" Jim rolled his eyes as Spock watched him silently. "You used to be more fun. The answer is the Sun, the Moon, the Truth. It was an old religious saying back before we had warp capabilities. It is still practiced on Earth today. It reminds me of your own culture.

The second one was an equation written in Vulcan. Took me longer to answer that one. I've gotten better at reading the language but the language was out dated. I had to do some digging to get answers. It took me three hours to solve that problem and I feel stupid for it. The answer was twenty thousand two hundred and forty-six. The third question was in Klingon. That was when I called in Uhura. To sum it up the answer was "dishonor". Try spelling that in Klingon. You remember that planet we went to in the fourth year of our mission? The one where they had six wives and each wife had two husbands?"

Spock laced his fingers together watching his former captain. "The one where you found yourself in the bed of one such group while we were on diplomatic missions?"

A slight flush made its way up Jim's throat as he refused to look away. "It got us the deal didn't and I have to admit it was pretty cool…yeah moving on. Well why we were there I learned about some of their culture and their language. Once I suspected that the fourth question related to them I contacted them and asked for a word bank. They got back to us pretty quickly and that was what me and Uhura spent four days working out. Did you know they only have nine laws? The ninth law was the answer. To sum that one up it says that if a person betrays their family, at least that is what we think that word means, then death and justice will be brought on them."

Only the sound of the fire crackling in the fireplace filled the room for a long while. "Jim-"

"Don't. Alright? I know it sounds crazy. It's likely a hoax but come on why would anyone send it to me of all people? I'm not the Golden Boy anymore. I am just an old man who sits behind a desk." Jim leaned forward in his seat. "Besides, it gave me a reason to reach out to you again. The way we were going it wasn't likely we would speak to each other until I was on my death bed of old age. If even then."

Spock sighed and gave a grim nod. "I suppose that is one way to look at it. Honestly, I did not know if you wanted to see me again. I would have stayed away as long as it took for you to recover."

An undignified snort came from Jim. "Don't. I'm not nearly drunk enough to get into that conversation right now. Don't give me that look Spock, you lost all rights to judge me and my actions the day you walked away. I tried to contact you. Either your father answered the com or you were not in." He took a steadying breath before he reached for the PADD. Like a snake that caught its prey Spock's hand reached out capturing Jim's wrist twisting it to the light.

"Jim!" His thumb traced over the faint raised scar. His warm brown eyes lifted to meet blue. "Does anyone know you did this?"

Taking his arm back Jim sat back in his chair. "Not that it is any of your business but yes. I won't say it was the lowest I got but it was the lowest I got while I was alone. After they got me stable the doctor asked if I wanted to keep the scar."

Spock wouldn't meet his eyes. Instead he looked at the table or the scar. "Why did you keep it?"

A sigh left Jim's lips as he crossed his arms again. He stared at his former husband. "Because of reactions like that. It disturbs you to see how low I got. That I would try to end the pain. To me? It's a reminder that I survived. That even though I couldn't see myself living one more moment in that sort of pain I lived. I made it passed the worse time in my life. Not the same. A little bent, a little bruised, but stronger. I don't know how many times I've looked at that scar and told myself I can do whatever needed to be done that day because I already experienced the worse thing I could do to myself. You don't have to understand it Spock. You don't even have to like it. But it is none of your damn business anymore. So, do NOT look at me like you are now. I am not broken and I don't need you to fix me."

Spock opened his lips. Either to question Jim more or to scold him. Whatever it was going to be was lost of the high pitch scream of a four-year-old. Before the first died off both men were on their feet rushing to bed room where their children lay.