Aftermath

I told my sisters that my mother had died of a broken heart. It was the only thing I could come up with at the time. I couldn't look them in the eye and say she had violently taken her own life, even though I knew it was only a matter of time before they figured it all out.

I told them that she was sad and lonely and had made some bad choices on how to deal with it. Olivia sobbed as I told her that her mother was dead, but Kendall didn't crack a tear. She just stared past me. I think for a long time I tried to ignore how aware of my mother's situation she was, but her cold stare made it evident that this wasn't a gigantic shock to her.

I stressed to them how important it was for them to know that I was there for them, and if they ever had feelings or problems they felt were too big to deal with that they could always come to me. We had suffered a loss, but this wouldn't break the Scanlon girls. I wanted to say that if they had been able to deal with Ashley when she was alive, that handling her passing would almost be easier, but I knew speaking ill of her would just make things more confusing for them. Putting my own feelings into this wasn't the right thing for my sisters.

My father was no help. When he finally entered the room to talk to them he just babbled about how much their mother loved them and how this had nothing to do with them. I saw Kendall roll her eyes. She had been inches from incineration the day before and she knew that Ashley had long stopped caring about her family.

It wasn't my father's fault he didn't have a clear picture of the day before, that was all on me. He had pulled me aside several times to ask me what happened but I refused to discuss it. The officers had filled him in on the little I had shared, but I knew Luke had questions. Questions I wasn't prepared to answer or discuss with him. I was so tired of him ignoring the issues, pretending like magically one day we'd all be a normal and happy family, I almost felt like he deserved this situation as a punishment.

I made the girls some hot chocolate and tried to wind them down so they could get some sleep. The next few days were not going to be easy and I needed to focus all of my energy on making sure they would be alright.

My father had the unpleasant task of calling my mother's brother to let him know what had happened. Ashley's father had died several years before of a heart attack and her mother lived in Connecticut with my uncle. They had long been in denial over Ashley's instability, throwing words like "eccentric" And "fragile" around to sugarcoat her problems. He was hosting Thanksgiving for his wife's family the next day, but promised to come down on friday. Maybe family being around would be a good distraction for my sisters.

I fell asleep on the couch and awoke early the next morning. It's funny, when something big like this happens, you expect everything to change. As I had fallen asleep the night before, the thoughts of "life will never be the same" raced through my mind. But waking up and staring around the quiet living room, I was shook by how much was going to stay the same. Our home was still our home, we were just missing a person. We'd eventually go back to the same school, same routine, but without Ashley there. I think that was going to be the hardest part, continuing on about our lives knowing that something that had been there everyday was gone forever.

I remembered that it was Thanksgiving Day and shuffled over to the fridge to see if there were any groceries in the fridge to whip up into a makeshift dinner. Not surprisingly, going to the market wasn't a high priority for my mother over her final days and the fridge was practically bare. We had always gone to the Thanksgiving Dinner seatings at the Country Club, Ashley wasn't much of a cook and the stress of planning a holiday meal would have sent her over the edge on her best day. I wondered if I could call over to the club to get some plates to go, I didn't want the girls to feel like they had missed out on a holiday in the midst of all of the craziness.

I put on a pot of coffee and paced around the kitchen, trying to find something to keep myself busy. No matter what I did, Ashley's sick grin as she bled out was stuck in my mind. What she did was completely unfair and despite everything she said, I knew it wasn't my fault. She had been unhappy for a long time and finally the rotation of bitterness, booze and pills caught up with her. I tried to get my father to help to no avail. I tried to keep the girls in line, help out around the house while being the perfect little prom queen she always wanted and it still wasnt enough.

Footsteps on the stairs interrupted my thoughts. I didn't know if I wanted to face my sisters or my father less, so I braced myself for who appeared. It was Luke. He looked terrible. I instinctively felt badly for him, but then I hardened, remembering quickly that he could have done something to help her a million times and never did.

I walked to the cabinet and pulled out two mugs and poured the coffee. I brought one over to him and he grabbed my arm. "We need to talk Rory…"

I shook him away. "No we don't. It's over and it is what it is." I turned my back and walked toward the living room.

He blocked my path. "You went through something absolutely terrible yesterday and you need to talk about it."

I looked up and glared at him. "Maybe that's true. But I'm not talking about it with you. I told you Luke, if something happened then it was on you. You better thank god she turned the wheel at the last second and you're only planning one funeral." I spun away, leaving him there stunned.

Most people wouldn't speak that way to a man who was widowered 24 hours ago, but I didn't care. Ashley's instability had gone unaddressed too long and my little sisters almost went down with her. It wasn't okay and I wasn't going to pretend it was.

I walked toward the stairs and saw Kendall sitting on the bottom step. Fuck, she probably heard me snap at our father. "Hey babes, how are you?" I sat next to her and put my arm around her. "I'm okay I guess. It's just weird." She shrugged. Luke walked by and saw us sitting there, he stood there silently for a moment then turned and walked to his study. "Come on, let's go talk in my room." Kendall followed me up the stairs.

She plopped down on my bed and I placed my coffee on the nightstand and sat next to her. Her big brown eyes locked with mine. "Can I tell you something and you promise you won't get mad?" Her eyes were filled with worry. "Of course." I took her hand and softly smiled. She took a deep breath. "I'm not upset she's dead Rory, I know that sounds awful. But I feel almost relieved." My heart stopped. I was shocked to hear my 13 year old sister articulate the feelings that had been on the tip of my tongue for the last few hours. "Kendall, you don't mean-." I instinctively jumped in and tried to say the appropriate thing, but stopped myself because I knew it was bullshit and Kendall didn't deserve to be lied to.

I sighed. "Kendall, things were really hard here for a really long time. We've seen a lot, we've dealt with some awful things because of her. It's okay to be relieved that part of our lives is over, it's okay to understand that at least she isn't suffering anymore, but if two weeks from now you suddenly miss her or decide you are upset about it that's okay too."

She pursed her lips together. "She could have killed me and Liv, Rory. She stopped caring about us. Knowing I don't have to deal with waking up to her telling me I'm fat or yelling at you is the only thing that's making all of this okay." I pulled her close. "You can't focus on what almost happened, just be glad you're safe now."

"If Ace Merrill and Eyeball Chambers weren't there we would have died. Can we make them cookies to say thank you?" Ace and Eyeball. Images of Ace peeking in my mother's bedroom door flashed across my mind. I thought about pulling him out of the room and demanding a cigarette. I thought about how he had managed to cut the tension and make me laugh. I remembered how helpful he was at the gas station, how he had managed to keep my sisters from seeing what happened...I owed him way more than cookies.

"Sure, once we get through the funeral and everything we'll be sure to visit them at the station."

"I was scared when I realized who he was at first...you know what he did right?" Kendalls eyes were wide.

I nodded. "He sent a couple of boys in your grade to the hospital, right?" "Chris Chambers and Gordie Lachance were both in intensive care for four days cause he hurt them so bad. But then he was so nice to me and Olivia...I guess you can't always judge people right?" She looked up at me earnestly.

"It's true. Look at how people see us. Up until yesterday, people thought our family had such a great life. Rich dad, nice house, pretty mother...people thought we had it made. We knew differently of course, but Ashley always worked so hard to convince people we had the perfect life. There's always more under the surface, Ken, it's good you've learned that." I smiled.

I heard my bedroom door squeak open and little Olivia appeared in the doorway. I waved her in and she scurried over and jumped on my bed. "How are you munchkin?" I asked, pulling her close for a hug. "I'm sad I guess." She shrugged. "You guess?" "I cried a lot last night, this morning I woke up and didn't want to cry anymore."

"Livvie, everything is going to be okay, you know that right?" Kendall grabbed Liv's hand.

"I hope so. It's going to be sad to not have Mommy here anymore but at least she isn't sick anymore...maybe everyone won't fight so much." I felt like I was stabbed in the gut. I realized quickly that I wouldn't have to deal with the grief that I expected from my sisters, but rather their guilt over not being more upset that Ashley's reign of terror was over. Even little Olivia seemed to understand that our mother was in no shape to be a good parent, and that things might operate a little smoother without her outbursts.

I weakly smiled at the girls. "Listen, as far as I can tell this is our chance to show everyone that the Scanlon girls are tough and can get through anything. We're going to have a weird few days, a lot of people are going to be in and out of the house and you'll have to get through the funeral. It will be hard and some moments you'll be okay, others you'll be angry, others you'll be sad and feel like crying. Whatever you're feeling, come to me and I promise we'll talk it out. We have each other and we're going to need to lean on one another to get through this, ok?" The girls nodded. I heard Kendall's stomach rumble. "There isn't much in the kitchen, but let's head down there, I'll figure out something to make you for breakfast." The girls hopped off my bed and ran downstairs.

I followed a few steps behind them, but paused when my eye caught the closed door to my parents bedroom. I tried to eliminate the images of what happened behind that door from my mind, but it was easier said than done.