Growing Wisteria Chapter 3:

Too Young Too Short Too Weak

It had been a month since the Kyūbi's attack, since Minato-sensei and Kushina-sama's funerals. Minato-sensei hadn't been Kakashi's Jōnin leader for very long, neither had Team 7 been an actual team for more than a year or so, but during that time, Kakashi had really learned to admire Minato-sensei. He was someone that Kakashi considered, in an odd sense, part of his family. An elder he could look up to (despite the fact that Minato-sensei was just 11 years older than himself). And now even Minato-sensei and Kushina-sama are both gone.

Part of Kakashi couldn't believe or more accurately, didn't want to believe that Minato-sensei was really gone. After all, Minato-sensei was the Yellow Flash of Konoha and one of the youngest Hokage in Konoha's (relatively short) history. I Kakashi was asked to describe Minato-sensei, he would say that he was like the sun, bright, shining, warm and strong. The idea that someone as strong as Minato-sensei just suddenly dying seemed...impossible, laughable even. But whenever such thoughts entered Kakashi's mind, he would be reminded of his father. Sakumo Hatake was strong too. The legendary White Fang of Konoha, a war hero who some people had claimed to be even more famous than the legendary Sanin. In Kakashi's eyes, his father had been his hero, an unparalleled and unbeatable genius shinobi. In the end all those things didn't matter because he died too.

Although, Kakashi knew that there was a distinct difference between his father's death and that of Minato-sensei. Minato-sensei and Kushina-sama both died protecting the village, sacrificing themselves to stop the Kyūbi's rampage. They would forever be remembered as heroes. But his father...Sakumo Hatake died by his own hand, quietly and in disgrace. There was no honour nor great sacrifice as a shinobi, no victory or prestige and there was nothing gained for the good of the village.

Looking around the graveyard, Kakashi could see his father's grave, off to the side and in a corner away from the other grave stones. He vaguely knew why his father committed suicide. His father had been given an important mission and failed to fulfil it, had chosen to save the lives of his friends than complete the mission. He broke the rules and paid dearly for it. Back then, it was like everyone suddenly turned his back on his father. There would be whispers and quiet hostility whenever they left the house together. Kakashi never asked his father for the details nor for the reason why everything suddenly changed. He simply understood that because his father had broken the rules and made a grave mistake, he was paying the consequences for his actions.

If there had been any other reasons (not that he believed that there were) Kakashi didn't remember them. His memories of certain things when he was younger was something of a blur and he couldn't remember many things around the time of his father's suicide. He could, however, vividly remember finding his father's corpse in their home, curled on his side. Kakashi had initially thought that his father had fallen asleep on the floor. But his father had long been dead and his body had cooled by the time Kakashi found him, the sickeningly sweet smell of death had already began replacing the familiar and comforting scent his father had.

That was the first death Kakashi had ever seen and the one he doubted that he would ever truly understand.

There were times when Kakashi felt that he was, perhaps, born under a particularly unlucky star (he wasn't superstitious but even he had to admit that being around Obito and hearing all his superstitions and excuses had rubbed off on him a little). Perhaps being surrounded by death was all just part and parcel of being a shinobi. But Kakashi felt that it was different, sometimes he felt that death always followed him, shadowing his footsteps. While his father was the first person he remembered losing, he knew that his mother died before he could even begin to remember her face. His paternal grandparents also died not long after his mother's death. Then his father. Then Obito and Rin and now, even Minato-sensei was gone too. One by one, Kakashi steadily lost all the people closest to him, the people he cared about the most.

Logically, Kakashi knew that his father's death hadn't been his fault. He had been a child at the time and despite being a genius, he had been too young to gully comprehend what was happening. He didn't understand why it happened, or why his father suddenly decided to take his own life. But Obito, Rin and Minato-sensei, weren't their deaths all his fault?

If he had just listened to Obito, if he had just been braver and helped Obito from the start, treated him like an actual teammate and friend...maybe Obit wouldn't have died. If he has just been faster, stronger, smarter, actually lived up to his father's legacy of brilliance and trusted them both more, maybe Rin wouldn't have been captured. Maybe Rin wouldn't have been forced to become a Jinchūriki and a weapon for Kirigakure to use against Konoha. She wouldn't have had to die to protect the village from herself. He wouldn't have killed her with his chidori. Maybe they would all still be together as part of Team 7, and would have celebrated Minato-sensei becoming the Yondaime. Maybe they would have all celebrated Kushina-sama's pregnancy. Maybe they would have watched over her, kept her company as a team. Maybe he wouldn't be Anbu and could still be just Kakashi and a member of Team 7. Maybe they would have banded together and disregarded the Sandaime's order and helped Minato-sensei. Maybe they would have worked together and saved both Minato-sensei and Kushina-sama. Maybe their son wouldn't be an orphan.

If only he had just ignored Shinku Yūhi's command to stay in the barrier with everyone else, he could have been there to help Minato-sensei and Kushina-sama. Maybe his help would have been enough to prevent the Kyūbi from attacking Konoha. Maybe it would have been enough for them to be a family with their son.

In the end, it didn't matter what he wished he had done. It didn't matter how much he regretted not trusting his friends, for being a coward and unwilling to risk breaking for the sake of his friends (unlike his father, why couldn't he just be more like his father?). Continuing to think like that was ultimately useless. It didn't change the fact that they were all dead. It didn't change the fact that Obito died in his place and to save Rin (it should have been him, not Obito) and the only thing he had left of his friend was his Sharingan. It didn't change the fact that he killed Rin, the fact that he failed to keep his promise to protect her. It didn't change the fact that he had felt her hot blood on his hand that he plunged into her chest, heard and felt her last gasps of breath. It didn't change the fact that Minato-sensei was dead. It didn't change the fact that it was all his fault.

Kakashi was well aware of the risks involved with using the chidori, he had invented it afterall. He knew all the drawbacks and weaknesses, the forced tunnel vision and increased speed meant that once he launched his attack, it was difficult to stop. Even if he wanted to stop or change target, it took him a significant amount of time to slow down to actually do that. Kakashi had known all of this, but he was arrogant enough to believe that he could use to protect him and Rin. That it was enough to defeat all of Kirigakure's shinobi. And Rin paid the price of his arrogance.

The chilly autumn breeze brought a shiver down Kakashi's spine. Under the red sunset flow, Kakashi felt something ominous, an odd feeling of wrongness in the air. His conversation with Danzo-sama suddenly came mind and Kakashi couldn't help the thought from bubbling inside him: was all of that really truly? Was everything really just his fault? Was Danzo-sama telling the truth? Had there really been other ways to end the war? Could everything have been avoided if the Sandaime had made a different decision? Had the Sandaime really dragged out the war, caused the death of so many for personal gain?

It was true that Sandaime-sama had been the one to give the order that every shinobi in his generation stay within the barrier, but had he been forced to stay behind on purpose? Had he been prevented from fighting with his fellow Jōnin and Anbu on purpose? Did the Sandaime really just plan everything just to have Minato-sensei killed? If the Sandaime had treated him like any other member of Anbu or as an actual Jōnin, he could have made a difference. Did the Sandaime act purposefully just prevent Minato-sensei from getting the help and reinforcements he needed?

Had all of this been part of the Sandaime's elaborate plan to cling to the power of being Hokage?

No matter what mistakes he had made or the regrets he had as a result (and Kakashi would easily admit that he had made many mistakes and had enough regrets that they felt like they were choking him), if what Danzo-sama said was true, that the Saindaime was truly responsible for the way the war had developed and carried on, for the lack of reinforcements by Minato-sensei's side...Kakashi wasn't sure what he would do. No matter what, he was a loyal shinobi of Konoha and he believed that the Sandaime only made decisions for the sake of the village, for the good of the village. But was it truly for the sake of the village or for his own greed? Who would know better than Danzo-sama? Maybe it wasn't just his fault.

But even with these thoughts, they did nothing to alleviate the grief and guilt that clung to him, threatening to drown him until nothing else remained. It did nothing to change the fact that he was a Jōnin and a member of Anbu, a genius and supposedly an elite shinobi and a child. Too young to truly be considered an adult, Jōnin or Anbu. Too short and too weak to be depended upon when those around him needed him most. Too stupid to realise that he should have ignored the rules to save Rin, Obito and Minato-sensei.

Kakashi should his head, hoping that he could shake all those thought that swirled around in this head. Really, he had just wanted to pay his respects to his friends and family (as it was a part of his daily routine) and then go home and sleep. Or try to sleep. The exhaustion caused by his constant nightmares was taking a toll on him and while Kakashi wasn't one to go the hospital or speak to a medic-nin about it, he was beginning to seriously consider trying some sleeping tablets.

Taking a calming breath, or what he hoped would be a calming breath, Kakashi left the cemetery, promising that he would be back tomorrow and hopefully he bring some flowers, or he would once the flower shops were actually open again. However, as he made his way out, he noticed a bright splash of colour in his periphery. There were actually people by his father's grave, kneeling down and paying their respects. The sight was completely foreign to him as most people tended to act as though his father's grave didn't exist, or if they did acknowledge it, at the very least didn't badmouth his memory or try defacing it. Even he, much to his own shame, didn't make a habit of visiting his father's grave often and yet it always remained clean, with fresh flowers and incense. Kakashi had thought that perhaps it was the work of his father's old teammates, however seeing the uncomfortably familiar and bright flower patterned clothing of those visiting, he knew that they were the ones maintaining his father's grave.

Flowing clothes that were bright and lightly coloured, delicately embroidered with flowers and a scent that carried the faint but sweet scent of wisteria when the wind blew. Kakashi didn't need to see their faces, nor their Clan's crest to know that they were members of Clan Dotani. From his somewhat faint memories of his father teaching him about the different Clan's in Konoha, Caln Dotani were civilian wealthy merchants. They were a clan in alliance with them as the remaining members of Clan Hatake, but most importantly, they were family.

Kakashi was torn. On the one hand he wanted to simply leave and pretend he hadn't seen or noticed the elderly couple. Go home, feign ignorance over the identity of who were still paying their respects to his father. On the other hand, he couldn't just ignore the very people who were still showing his father respect despite the disgrace to his father's and now his name (Kakashi was sure the nickname Friend Killer Kakashi was far worse than his father's disgrace, part of him felt shame rise up inside him at the disappointment his father undoubtedly felt knowing that his own son killed his friend). To ignore them despite knowing the truth would be incredibly rude. On the third hand belonging to one of his shadow clones, as rude as it would be to ignore them, they hadn't noticed him yet and as long as he left the graveyard long before they had a chance to make eye contact, he could always pretend that he just hadn't noticed them.

After giving all of his options some careful thought, Kakashi decided that the third option, pretend not to know anything that he hadn't seen them, was the safest (and the one that would weigh on his conscience the least). It also helped that it meant he could avoid speaking with anyone while his mind and emotions were as easy to understand as a tangled knot of strings.

With a plan in mind, Kakashi, making use of his many years of training as a shinobi, moved quickly and silently to the entrance of the graveyard. Just a little more and he would be completely safe and free from obligated pleasantries, small talk and possibly uncomfortable questions he didn't want to begin trying to answer. However, much like the rest of his life, luck just wasn't on his side.

"Ah, Kakashi-kun, are you also here to pay your respects?"

Kakashi immediately stilled when he heard the warm and gentle voice call out to him. For a moment Kakashi felt the almost overwhelming urge to flee, to run away and avoid this situation. Actually, he desperately wants to leave, go as far away as possible to avoid speaking with them. If he did, he could avoid all chances of speaking about things that would make him feel uncomfortable and the urge to ask questions he wasn't sure he really wants to know the answers to.

Why did they continue to publicly defend and support his father and himself after the Hatake name was disgraced?

Why did they go against the rules and fight to have his father's grave placed among the other departed heroes of Konoha?

Why do they continue to offer their support and ally with the Hatake Clan when he's really all that's left?

But if he really thought about it (and if he was honest, when was he not thinking about it) wasn't his cowardice the reason Obito died? His father's death and disgrace for not following the rules, his father's values, the frankly incomprehensible continued kindness from Clan Dotani, those were things that made him uncomfortable, things he wanted to avoid speaking of. If he continued to be a coward and followed the rules, he would be safe. There wouldn't be any reason for someone to claim that the Hatake were a disgrace or brought shame to the village. But it's also because he's a coward a that hid and strictly followed the rules, he didn't listen to Obito when it mattered the most, to save Rin and abandoned them for the sake of the mission. If only he had listened to Obito, things would be different. It was his cowardice that led him to make such a fatal mistake and that in particular sat at the top of his long and ever growing list of regrets.

Kakashi seriously doubted that ignoring or avoiding them would lead to such a drastic outcome as death. They were in Konoha (and civilians) and while Konoha had suffered from an attack, they were still safe. No disaster would befall them just because he was a coward and ran away from this conversation. But still...what ifs whirled around his mind and Kakashi didn't want to leave this situation with more regrets to add alongside all of the others.

"Ah Dotani-samas, good evening, I was just about to go home. I finished paying my respects today." Kakashi answered politely. His answer came out sounding awkward and stunted. He wasn't the most sociable person at the best of times and honestly hated idle chit chat and small talk. This situation was especially awkward, he didn't speak with people in general, much less elderly civilians.

Standing in front of them, Kakashi couldn't help but feel the need to stand just a little straighter. The ones in front of his was the matriarch and head of Clan Dotani, Tsubaki and her husband Kazuki. Despite being a merchant Clan, the lineage and pedigree of Clan Dotani was well known throughout the land. Faint memories of his father teaching him about the clan politics between the Dotani and Hatake flashed in his minds eye. The Hatake weren't as wealthy or old as Clan Dotani, who were practically ancient and whose name carried with it weight and respect. The Hatake's crest was a black grid signifying a field, their simple farming roots. The Dotani's crest, a single red plum blossom encircled by a branch of Wisteria flowers. Thinking about it now, Kakashi could say that the difference between their clan crests represented the differences between them. The Hatake were, or had been, simple and for the most part were rather straightforward with their clan politics. Clan Dotani on the other hand...they were bright and colourful, intricate and far more complicated. His father had once mentioned that his paternal grandmother was from Clan Dotani and if their clan crests represented the kind of people they were, Kakashi suspected he inherited more from his paternal grandmother than he did his father.

Kakashi tried not to squirm, his lone dark eye passing over the couple to land somewhere between them, trying to avoid eye contact without being rude and also trying to avoid the shared warm and kind smiles on their faces. Perhaps it was Tsubaki's silver white hair that reminded him too much of his father's hair. Or perhaps the warmth in their smiles that reminded him of Minato-sensei. Or maybe it was just the memories of their unexpected help and kindness during his childhood that bubbled to the forefront of his mind whenever he happened to cross paths with the main family.

"You know, you needn't be so formal with us Kakashi-kun, even if we're not of the same Clan, we are still family and you're my great nephew. Hearing you call me like that...I'd prefer it if you called me Obaa-san, instead." Tsubaki said gently. Her bright green eyes immediately noticed how pale Kakashi was and the dark circle was forming under his lone eye. Despite how straight and tall Kakashi stood, she noticed the slight slump in his posture, like he was trying to curl into himself. He was so young and yet he looked so tired and old. Even if it wasn't her place to feel this way towards him, her heart hurt seeing the exhausted and haunted look he had in his eye

Tsubaki knew that Kakashi was a child who had seen war, he had seen too much, experienced the harsh and ruthless nature of the world too soon. She only had a somewhat vague understanding of the reality of life as a shinobi, but she knew that he was a child that was forced to become an adult far too early and was being stretched thin as a result. Frankly, the boy looked like he was about to collapse, whether it be out of exhaustion, stress or from his duties as a shinobi. He was like a flower bud, given too much fertiliser so that he would grow and bloom quickly but otherwise left uncared for and left under the sun and abandoned.

Ah...I don't think that would be appropriate." Kakashi managed to say after floundering internally. While it was true that they were related, he remembered his father mentioning that Tsubaki-sama was his grandmother's sister and his great aunt. But after his father and the Hatake name was disgraced, he felt that it would only bring his great aunt misfortune if he were to recognise her as such.

Tsubaki frowned a little and shared a glance with her husband, Kakashi's stilted way of speaking and the palpable awkwardness was concerning. Like a puppy who hadn't been properly socialised and anxious whenever they met someone new.

"Come now, you're our late sister-in-law's beloved grandson. Even if it's a little distant that still makes us family, that won't change no matter what anyone says." Kazuki said as he took his wife's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "The hour's late and with the shopping district under construction, it's been hard to buy food, and it'll be a while before the restaurants will open again, so why don't you have dinner at our house tonight?"

Kakashi tensed at the invitation. His immediate reaction was to refuse, come up with some socially acceptable excuse, even if it's a lie and go back to his cold and empty home. It was already bad enough that he had been unfortunately drawn into a conversation with them, and now he was being invited to have dinner? This was something he was not mentally prepared for (and something he doubted he would ever be prepared for).

"Thank you for the invitation, but I'm not hungry. I had dinner before I came here." Kakashi said, lying through his teeth (and mask). He was actually quite hungry and the offer for a warm meal was incredibly enticing, but he didn't feel comfortable accepting another act of kindness (and pity) from them. "I hope you enjoy your evening, please excuse me."

Tsubaki looked disheartened and Kakashi tried to ignore how that made him feel guilty and turned to leave only for his stomach to make a very loud rumbling sound. Kakashi immediately stilled and looked down at his stomach accusingly. How could his stomach betray him at a time like this. They bought his lie! They were going to let him go! And his stomach ruined it! He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks and ears from his growing embarrassment. He was a proud shinobi of Konoha, an elite Jōnin and he was caught with his stomach rumbling so loudly, Kakashi desperately wanted a hole to open up in the ground and swallow him whole because this truly was his life's greatest embarrassment.