DISCLAIMER
The following is a fan-based
FICTION
Re:Zero and other products related to the this series are all owned by Tappei Nagatsuki.
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Warning: This is a three-in-one Omake that was created for two reasons - 1) I was unable to catch any rest yesterday due to some sleep issues, and I lack the brain power to go through a super-serious chapter as Chapter 60 will be; 2) The next chapters will lack Omakes due to the story starting to wrap to its closure. I promise that I will open up special threads/an Omake-centered story once this series is over.
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Omake 30: Flatmates AU (2)
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"So, let me put it as simply as possible: You are a magic-using elf from another world or dimension that, somehow, due to the mishaps of your late husband as he tries to help your magic-related issue, ended up in this realm and now you can't get back home. RIght?"
The girl answered with a nod, Satella's lips were sealed shut as she felt too embarrassed to speak at the current predicament she was in. Either that, or the combined jealous glares from both Crusch and Prisca were getting to the poor girl. I just couldn't see why a mere lap-pillow and head-scratching session were getting these two so irked and bothered. I mean, it's not like this is completely wrong as the poor girl needed some moral support, plus I could tell that she got more than just a striking resemblance with little Lia. Not only was she quick to 'surrender to the vile' headpatting, but she was literally nuzzling back onto my lap, like little Lia used to be before she became rather 'picky' with her cuddling sessions.
At least she became more invested into the quality aspect of it rather than outright reject it.
Ah yes, the times where Lia was just a cute and innocent child that yearned for my hugs and headpatting... things truly change when one gets older...
Still, the situation was pretty insane on Satella's end as she was trusted in a different world, somehow led there as 'I reminded him of someone that bears my own name', which was quite insane, but then she brought up this 'John' surname and... I flipped. Wildly so.
"You actually met Grandpa John? He is still alive and… actually not dead after a walk in the woods back home?"
"He... He has been taking care of me since Flugel died in a laboratory experiment."
"Well, he has always been a gentleman and… since he is a bit old now, how is he? Did he try anything cray-cray with you?"
She blinked. "Cray-Cray?"
"It's a brutish way to say 'Crazy'. He is referring to any chance he might have been too forward with you considering his elderly age," Prisca sharply interjected. "Still, I don't see why we should believe her word when-"
"Her ears are pointy and sharp," Crusch argued. "While there are medical conditions similar to that... it's rather odd for it to happen to someone that looks so similarly to Emilia. Very odd."
"And I can use magic," The white-haired elf hummed before casting a soft light ball above her palm, right in front of my eyes. Now, I was no believer of the supernatural but... that was magic. I blinked, I leaned closer and... I hummed.
"Shouldn't you have an issue using your magic?"
"That's the strangest thing. I no longer... feel her."
"Her?" Crusch pressed, her eyes narrowing as it was slowly becoming clear that there was a chance this 'magic problem' was more of a mental one. Not a prominent one but still... well, concerning.
"T-The Witch of Envy. She is... the dark aspect of my 'Authority', which took power when I had to... expand my powers. It was a moment of necessity and she formed through that circumstance," The elf further explained, looking a bit uneasy at the glances she was getting. "My husband worked on sealing her away and freeing me but... this happened. It was one of the latest experiments he prepared to be tried after he died and... Oh Gods."
"Something wrong?" I asked and she nodded, standing up from her comfy perch with wide eyes.
"I-I wasn't alone when I left. Pandora- Where could she be if I was alone when I woke up and-"
Ding Dong~
The doorbell rang again, and I went to check myself once more. I peeked from the peephole and saw-
"Cousin~!"
She didn't back away from getting pulled in a quick hug as soon as I opened the door. Snuggling close to her, she groaned, nuzzling back.
"John, please... not in front of the sassy kid."
Sassy... what?
I released the girl from the embrace and glanced down on the side to see a white-haired blue-eyed girl on the side. I crouched down and... hummed.
"Howdy."
"Sup bro?"
My lips twitched at the 'sassy' element that Lia spoke about.
"Not much, just found someone that you know. You Pandora?"
A slow nod. "You got Satella?"
"Yep. She was worried about ya, sis. You fine?"
"I'm gucci, bro."
"You... can speak her language?" Emilia asked with an exaggerated tone and I huffed.
"Sis here is pretty gud, This gril knows her thing and I believe you got some ice cream too?"
"Wouldn't say no to that, brother."
"Gucci, sis, gucci."
So, I escorted a confused Emilia and a bubbly Pandora inside the flat, already feeling like this was going to be a crazy and yet fun experience despite the whole magic shenanigans.
That and the fact of having a little cute girl to treat nicely through the means of degenerate headpatting and handholding. Never seen Lia being this jelly~!
AN: One down, two more!
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Omake 31: My Knight is a Loving Stalker (1)
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Today was another day of pure boredom and normality thanks to the insane amount of paperwork I have to deal with.
Nothing unusual, but definitely incredibly tiring by the end of the day. I mean, that's what I planned to do before I ended up dealing with the worst kind of situation possible. I told Fourier many times now that I didn't want to have her as my bodyguard as she was too... intense about the job. And definitely into me after 'picking up speed' with her own mannerism.
She behaved too 'familiar' with me, trying to get cozy whenever she felt she could slack off from her job to try her luck in some flirting and overly childish moves. I thought that she would have slowed down the whole thing now that she had Felt to dote like a sister or something, but I was surprised when that wasn't an option. In fact, the extra stress seemed to bring out more brazen efforts out of that 'terrible knight'. It didn't help that she was considered the best the Kingdom had. Kind of tough to make a case she was unsuited to guard me when she was considered my 'best bet'.
Rosalia van Astrea, the 'Second Coming of Theresia van Astrea', was a troublesome woman.
"Prime Minister, I believe you should take a break."
I held back a groan as I was mostly done with 2/3 of the whole paperwork for today. I glanced to the side and saw a smug-looking red-haired knight leaning close and... holding a glass.
"I brought you some fresh water."
I stared silently at the faux innocent smile, then at the glass and... sighed.
"Rosalia?"
"Yes, Prime Minister?" She replied naively.
"That glass has your lipstick on it."
"Oh?" She faked a surprised look. "That's... Well, maybe it's one I might have used unconsciously. Don't worry, you can drink from where there isn't lipstick."
...
"Rosalia, the entire edge is coated in your lipstick."
"Whoopsie, I guess I made a minor mistake. You could... trickle it from above. Don't worry, I'm sure you will not let any of that water wet your shirt and... make a mess~."
I really wasn't in the mood that day. I literally had little time to prepare for an important diplomatic meeting and... her antics were getting to my nerves.
So, instead of playing her game, I had her play mine for once.
"How long do I have to kiss you for you to keep away for a solid week?"
Blue eyes widened at the comment and she gave me a curious look.
"Did you say... kissing?"
"Yes. At this point, it's clear you're not going to stop with this behavior until I give you something to keep yourself busy for a while. How long do I have to kiss you to get you out of my sight for a week?"
I wasn't sure if this was my smartest or dumbest idea but... It kind of worked. Rosalia was quickly set on my lap, lips puckered up and slamming into mine for two solid minutes and... she was out of my sight for the duration of the day. The real issue is that she would be away from my direct sight for roughly a full day. The next day, she was out for more. Always a minute, plus lap-straddling, plus pressing herself onto me and... I managed to live through that existential crisis as a tired man. But I did it. The meeting went on smoothly and I was finally freed from dealing with the entity that was Rosalia for the time being.
She quickly noticed the lack of 'affection', but, much to my surprise, the knight seemed to be able to adapt to this well. A bit too well if I have to be honest. The moment I ended up with another important affair to focus on, and I tried to rely on our old deal, Rosalia decided to make that sudden lack of kisses a reason to alter the deal to her own advantage.
"The tariff has changed due to a sudden lack of demand, Prime Minister," The redhead smugly commented. "This is the new price."
I gave it a quick look, then I put down the paper and sighed.
"Nope."
"Oh? And why not?"
"I have moral dignity. And you should have one too."
"In love and war everything is permitted, Prime Minister."
"There was no declaration to confirm the existence of either. Your argument is thus invalid," I flatly rebuked and she begged me to give it a second look and a chance but- there was no way I was giving her cuddling privileges for an indefinite amount of time each day.
Of course, this wouldn't be the last time I have to face the Saint Sword and her clear ambitions tied to make me her hubby.
AN: Two down, another to go!
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Omake 32: His Queen and Her Prime Minister (2)
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The Queen was out to do her planned trip across the nation to try and give her own touch to any process 'bearing her name' as the ultimate trademark.
Sadly, while there was an active interest in checking what was up with her domain, Veneranda was... well, active into experimenting on a few unconventional behaviors for a monarch of her caliber. And I, her Prime Minister and soon-to-be King Consort, was there by her side to prevent disaster from truly unfolding. We happened to find our way to a major village, one which was considering expanding an old bridge after restructuring it to a proper form. It was ideally a good thing as it expanded trade but... Veneranda heard the word 'explosion' and she got interested in a small part within that entire job.
"Your highness, while this bridge is planned to be reworked, that doesn't mean you can appoint yourself as the 'demolition girl'."
"But John, you know better than anyone else in this world that I can do this job!" Veneranda whined flatly, her plans to release pent-up stress with legal mayhem slightly thwarted by my response. "Sure, it could potentially make the process of rework slower but... I'm bored."
"And you can destroy something else that doesn't burn on the kingdom's treasury," I argued tiredly. "Like, it's not even that you're prevented from enjoying that. Just do it with something that can actually explode without your money or your reputation getting dented."
...
"Anything? With those limitations?"
"And moral restraint. I don't need to remind you now, do I?"
Her mouth opened and then closed. "This is a tough challenge. I will ask before committing to something, but for now, leave me to my thoughts."
...Moron.
There were no issues with that project and soon we were back home to get everything under control as we had to take those quick trips back to the capital to handle paperwork and other urgent appointments. A few hours after our return, Veneranda had a bright idea. And it was all centered about our common foe: paperwork. Sadly, her idea was incredibly silly and terribly detrimental in the long run as it still tied with her newest interest: explosions.
"Your highness, the paperwork can't be burned or bombed- that's not going to make the problem go away, only take time, ink and paper to get it all written back in your desk."
"Nonsense! The titan of white and black shall be slain by the pure heart of mine together with an unquestionable amount of explosive material. This is only logic put into action, my dear hubby."
I groaned. "I don't see anything in this decision. No logic, no faith, and no morals. Dear wife, this is a wrong plan in its entirety."
"...Oh? And what if I still go through with it and blame ignorance on my part?"
I sighed, shaking my head. "Then, by the same logic, I will apply ignorance and believe you asked to spend the rest of the week sleeping on the couch."
Ever since I got betrothed to the blonde, I ended up sacrificing some 'single-related privileges'. Such as having my own bedroom and spaces. I was stuck in a king-sized bed with Veneranda sleeping beside me on a nightly basis. But right now? I exerted the equivalent of a pissed wife at her drunk husband plotting to make the Gunpowder Plot look like a joke.
"WHAT? But I'm the Queen, and your wife-"
"Which would entail your natural cleverness which you are purposely holding back. I will ask you to be careful of threading that line. Especially since Felix is meant to join us for some cuddle sessions."
"Y-You wouldn't. I'm- I'm your wife!"
"And I'm your responsible husband," I flatly replied. "Don't cross the line, honey, and I will not go that far."
...
"I refuse," She proclaimed, detonating the paperwork, her desk and pretty much most of her office in the process. It took a while to explain what happened, it took even longer to hire architects to rebuild the once centuries old piece of history back to shape while I took a clear amusement in chiding the girl into pure silence. It was pure stupidity, and she knew it.
'I am not happy, but I am proud'.
'I wonder how much pride will replace not having a Felix to snuggle onto, dummy.'
The bed was slightly colder for a while, and I had trouble sleeping because Veneranda sure knew how to wake me up while trying to get on the mattress by brawling the special barrier I had created for the occasion. She had her nice couch, some sheets, a couple nightgowns in case she needed to replace the one she had and a water bottle. She wasn't left to her death in those instances, but her whining late at night sure made it appear as that. By the end of that long week, I stood by her side, the girl pouting without showing a hint of amusement at my smug self at that 'glorious win', but ultimately accepting one idea. I was no trophy for her or for the nobles. If she messed up something, she was going to get punished for it.
And boy, the couch treatment sure became a way to counter most of her insane plans from that day onward...
AN
And three! Next time, a long super-serious chapter!