Chapter 14

Pushing Past

Lucifer fidgeted with the pen that he'd grabbed from the coffee table. This was perhaps the first time that he'd sat down on Linda's couch and not spoken a word yet, but his therapist was still able to gleam that he would find the words he wanted to say by the end of the session. Dr. Martin (because she was in therapist mode… still, she was Linda) sat patiently waiting in her own chair – legs crossed, clipboard open and ready, pen resting in her relaxed hand.

Even so, Lucifer could tell that his silence was unnerving her. Brooding didn't suit him – anyone and everyone could agree on that. It didn't mean that it didn't happen sometimes. Eventually everyone pulled into themselves to think. He just happened to be doing it a lot lately.

"I'm not ready," he stated suddenly, and as soon as he started, he found he couldn't stop. "I thought I was— I'd been waiting for a chance to talk to her for weeks. And then the detective— Chloe and I became a thing, and I realized that I am not ready."

Linda tapped the end of her capped pen once, twice, three times on the paper of her clipboard. "Not ready for what, Lucifer?" she prompted.

Lucifer's grip on the pen he rolled between his fingers tightened, threatening to snap the thing in two. His eyes looked everywhere but at Linda, who was obviously worried for him. He found it endearing – he really did. It was nice to have someone (a very human someone nonetheless) just sit there and be normal and not treat him like he didn't understand how anything worked, which for some reason meant that they had to intervene before something epically bad inevitably happened.

Just— why did—

Lucifer dropped his head into his hands, pulling at his hair and disheveling it more than it already was. It was all just so jumbled – thoughts and feelings swirling tumultuously round and round and round. It was disorienting, and it hurt.

He barely registered Linda getting up, setting her clipboard and pen aside, and sitting down next to him. She didn't touch him, but the closer proximity of her presence was just enough to ground him. He made his fingers released their hair-pulling grip.

"I… I like the detective. I like her a lot, and I want what we have to work. I want it to be real, but—" Chloe was put on Earth for a reason; she was put in his path by God. How could any of it have been real? How could it be real? "... There are… reasons that I can't believe in that. Not really. Not fully."

Linda nodded slowly. If Lucifer had bothered to glance over at her, he would have seen the metaphorical gears turning in her head, thoughts and questions that couldn't be answered right now. Her silence bid him to continue in its own quiet but strong voice.

"My sister though— Kemuel is supposed to have an explanation for me… but I don't think I want to hear it. I don't want some excuse or attempt to make it all seem less than it is. And yet…"

A soft, steady hand gently took one of his own and pulled it away from his head (pulling back a shell of the wall he was hiding behind), and Linda's voice came just as soft and steady as her hand had. "What are you afraid of, Lucifer?"

His other hand shifted, falling to cover his eyes. Linda's hand tightened a little in a comforting squeeze. This wasn't his therapist anymore. No, no – this was Linda, his friend. But that didn't matter, did it? Friend or therapist, she just wouldn't understand. Not completely. This was something that transcended mortal affairs. It was divine, a matter for celestials.

He hated this. It was a feeling rooted deeply into his core. He'd always hated that difference between humans and angels. The perspective on the reasoning had changed a bit, especially since his time on Earth, but he still hated how different they were. Lucifer hated it almost as much as he hated the similarity.

But he had found pleasure and joy and belonging here. Something he'd never have been able to enjoy in Heaven and most certainly not in Hell. Such happiness was practically exclusive to Earth, to humans. It was a wonder as to why only a few of them ever truly understood how rare that feeling was.

What was he afraid of? The answer was so simple and yet so elusive. He could hardly acknowledge it himself, let alone say it aloud.

Maybe that was why he had to leave.

—o~O~o—

Chloe bit her lip as she stared at the elevator doors. She hadn't seen Lucifer since he'd visited her in the hospital, but he'd promised that she would see him around again. And when he hadn't shown up when she'd been released from the hospital ("Just a nasty bit of a fever, nothing to worry about now that you're better."), she had decided that she would to go see him instead of waiting for him to suddenly barge back into her life.

Not that she would have minded. She actually kind of liked his surprises… when said surprises weren't absurd or highly inappropriate anyway.

The elevator announced her arrival to the penthouse with a ding, and she frowned as the doors opened. The rooms were all dark. White sheets of cloth had been draped over the furniture. It felt as if the life had been sucked out of the place. It felt empty.

Except it wasn't empty.

"Ah, Ms. Decker, there you are," Zadkiel exclaimed with a relieved expression on his face. He stood up from where he'd been sitting on one of the bar's stools, moving closer to her. "We were waiting for you as we didn't want you to get the wrong impression from the state of Lucifer's things here."

"Wrong impression? You mean he isn't..?"

"Isn't gone?" he finished for her. "No, no. A family matter just came up— rather unexpectedly, mind you. He'll just be away for a little while to sort some things out."

"You should be more worried about the talk you lovebirds are going to have when he gets back."

Chloe's eyes snapped over to Zadkiel's company that had appeared out of nowhere. "Who–?"

"Just another of the family, Ms. Decker," Zadkiel interrupted, claiming Chloe's attention once more. "Though, Azrael will be leaving after this. Some of us do have jobs, you know."

The African-American woman (Chloe hated to assume, but that was her best bet at the moment) gave Chloe a smile – albeit a somewhat strained one, as if she didn't really mean it, which Chloe didn't particularly mind since this was their first meeting. There was another (Asian?) woman – more like young adult – standing a little behind Azrael, who noticed Chloe staring and stared right back.

"Nice to officially meet you. I feel like I've known you since forever ago because some people never stop talking about the lady Lucifer finally got together with. I'm Azrael," she said, holding out a hand, and Chloe numbly reached out her own had to shake it. "Next to me is Leliel, and yes, we're all of the same family."

"One big adoptive family," Zadkiel cut in as soon as Azrael finished.

Chloe was still staring, and it wasn't hard to catch the way the younger woman rolled her eyes. "Wait— so you're all… Just how many of you are there?"

"Considering that it would take well over a day to explain the entirety of our family dynamics, no one answer that," the girl – Leliel – said right as Zadkiel opened his mouth (quite possibly to answer Chloe's question).

And while Chloe didn't get a real answer, she did hear the words 'over a day'. What? She got the feeling that wasn't even an exaggeration, that it was possibly more like the estimate had been severely rounded down. Just what had she gotten herself into?

"To be fair, at least half of that time would probably be dedicated to the family history," Azrael mused. "And then maybe a third of what's left would go to names and relationships. The rest is just making sure you didn't get anything confused."

Zadkiel frowned and then leveled a subtle glare at Azrael, who shrugged at him. Leliel sighed. "Look, Ms. Decker," she started, hesitating for a split second before continuing, "I don't know if didn't already know this, but our family has some, uh, issues."

"Understatement of the millennia," Azrael scoffed under her breath. Then, louder, "Right, come on, Ellie. I've got rounds to do."

Chloe silently watched the two of them walk to the elevator, some kind of private conversation passing between them without a single word being spoken. If it weren't for the age difference, not to mention completely different ethnic appearances, Chloe might have thought they were twins. Then again, all three of Lucifer's siblings had seemed a lot closer than most brothers and sisters.

Maybe it had to do with the family issues Leliel had brought up? Chloe knew that not all families stayed broken after whatever had torn them apart. Sometimes the end result was that the ones who remained got inexplicitly closer.

"Ms. Decker?"

Chloe mentally shook herself, refocusing on the green eyes that (for a moment) felt like they were reading her soul. She blinked, and then the feeling was gone. Zadkiel was giving her this weird look now, like he couldn't figure her out.

As she hadn't replied after the long pause, Zadkiel frowned but continued. "You should know by now that Lucifer can be… difficult, but you shouldn't let that get in the way of what you have with him. Just—" He cut himself off, looking away to the side as if he was debating on whether or not to finish what he'd begun to say.

He then let out a frustrated noise, turning his green gaze back to her. "Look. While some of us don't particularly care about what Lucifer gets up to in Los Angeles, both Kemuel and our father want Lucifer to be happy, and if that happens to be with you, then the rest of us will readily support you.

"Despite what Lucifer says, or even implies, about us, we— our family is very protective of its members because of… because of something that happened between our father and mother. Something that if you must know about, I insist you find your answers through Lucifer," he said quickly, holding up a hand to keep her from interrupting until the end of his speech.

It wasn't quite the shovel talk, but Chloe soon realized it was a plea of acceptance – for Lucifer and for the rest of his family.

"Chloe Decker, no matter what happens, no matter what you learn about our family and our past, about Lucifer…" Zadkiel's voice had changed somehow – a resonance that beckoned her to listen echoing behind his words, grabbing her attention to a point that she couldn't be bothered with anything else. "Promise me that you will not let that affect how you treat him."

There was something about his eyes, the way they seemed to glow in the afternoon light shining through the balcony windows. It wasn't natural. It wasn't human. It reminded her of when she first met Zadkiel in that restaurant, how almost unreal the encounter had been. It reminded her of Lucifer's eyes when he was enraged, of Kemuel's eyes when she exuded an air of trustworthiness.

(Somewhere in the back of her mind, something started to come together. It was a thought, small and straightforward yet complex and confusing. It was the thought that maybe Lucifer was telling the truth and always had been – not just his truth, but something fundamentally correct in every way. Except, perhaps, the most important one.)

Chloe didn't hesitate with her answer, though she did take the time to choose her own words, not the ones that flashed like neon signs in the middle of her thoughts.

"That's not something I can promise," she started slowly. "But I can promise that I love Lucifer for who he is, not what. And if any of this family business hurts him, we are going to have some issues."

Zadkiel had quietly, patiently listened to her response. By the end, he had an approving smile ghosting his lips, but he also had this nostalgic look on his face – one that was too sad to be about anything good.

"I'm afraid it's a bit late for that, Ms. Decker."

—o~O~o—

"Barachiel! Wait!"

"What could you possibly want right now, Uriel? Can't you see I'm a bit busy assigning the next week's list of missions for the angels stationed on Earth?"

"Add the name Candy Fletcher. She's in Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America, North America, North-Western Hemisphere—"

"I know where Vegas is… An exotic dancer, huh? And why, exactly, does she need a miracle?"

"Because we interfered with some things, so now she'll need some intervention of her own to stay on her predestined course."

"Right, of course. Anyone else I need to add now that you lot have gone and messed up the natural timeline?"

"… Ask Tzaphkiel."

"Hey! Get back here and answer the question— Uriel!"

—o~O~o—

It had taken Lucifer several hours to reach the location specified on the slip of paper Kemuel had discretely given to him on the way out of Chloe's hospital room. The place was rather remote, and he suspected that it would have been difficult (if not impossible) to find without directions. Even if he had tried to get here by flying, it would have taken at least two tries to find the exact spot. Looking at the paper one last time, he then folded it in half and shoved it back into his pocket.

Lucifer hadn't been necessarily annoyed at the thought that Kemuel had more than likely simply flown here, but seeing her waiting for him, gazing up at the stars and appearing divine even while she looked more human than he'd ever seen her, he couldn't help but feel the slightest twinge of irritation (jealously?) before consciously (almost viciously) squashing the emotion.

They stood in silence for a while, both very aware of the other's presence even if they didn't actively show it. Eventually Lucifer gave in and moved to sit with his back to hers, glancing upwards at the sky she had yet to take her eyes off of. There were a couple clouds that blotted out one or two constellations, but other than that it was a rather clear night.

"There's a book that a human wrote during the 1600s called Paradise Lost," Kemuel spoke into the silence, taking on a tone that beckoned Lucifer to simply listen. "According to Milton, a third of the angels followed you in your rebellion against Father. According to Milton, a third of us Fell with you into Hell.

"Perhaps that's true for another, different universe, but in this universe of ours, it was just you who spoke out and challenged Father. Zadkiel, Gabriel and I barely managed to keep others from straying— not that you appreciate that, I'm sure. But it was only you who was cast out from Heaven. There have been a few since then that have Fallen, but it has never been because they disobeyed Father.

"Instead, they lost faith in Him. Or rather, their faith was placed elsewhere. Two died because of it, but… well, you greeted the others at Hell's doorstep. They desired things they shouldn't have as an angel, took pleasure in hurting others, reveled in destroying the natural order. The first two, though… They fell in love, each with a human from two completely different eras no less—"

"Yes, yes," Lucifer interrupted abruptly, tired of listening to something he already knew. He wasn't completely ignorant of what had been going on for the past six or so millennia. "And then they died because their humans did, and they couldn't stand living without them. Why are you going on and on about ancient history?"

He felt Kemuel shift behind him, though neither turned to look at each other. She took in a breath and slowly replied, "What is it like to be human? To be completely free of the whims of destiny should you chose to break from it? What is it like to do whatever you please with only the consequences you make for yourself?"

Lucifer frowned. "That's not—"

"True? Wholly correct or accurate? How it works?" she cut him off, filling in his outburst with endings of her own. "And yet neither we angels nor our Father dictate what the humans do. Perhaps there was some influence at the beginning, but it's rather laissez-faire nowadays. Barachiel simply has a list of names for those in need of a miracle or two. What the humans do with those miracles is up to them."

"How pro-free will of you," Lucifer muttered.

"Isn't it?" Kemuel responded with a tone that could have only been said with a bittersweet smile. "Raphael and Amenadiel were rather disapproving until Father intervened. Supposedly, we can do as we like, just as the humans do. But that's not quite true, at least not completely."

Lucifer glanced over his shoulder, only to see the back of her head. "What do you mean?"

"No matter how hard angels can try to deviate from our designations, we will always try to please Him. It is simply in our nature," she told him.

And how true her words were. Lucifer couldn't deny them for what they meant. He'd run for millennia and still he was pulled right back into the middle of things. He'd given Dad the middle finger so many times… and still He managed to wiggle His way back into Lucifer's life.

"Luce?"

"Hmm?"

A hand was gently laid between his shoulder blades. The other slowly slid around his side to rest over his heart. He was embraced from behind in an enrapturing hold. White and lilac wings encircled them, shielding them from the world.

"If you love her, then love her, and let nothing make you think what you feel is wrong."

A/N: There's no way I'm going to be able to make those last two episodes of season three comply in any way to this fic— well, I guess I could make a few little details line up… What am I talking about? A lot of season three is going out the window because of where I went AU.

Also, if the characters are starting to get a little contradicting to what they've already been portrayed as in this story, you can either put it to character growth/struggling/development or me not being in touch with them as a whole, which is more than likely because I wrote, deleted and rewrote most of this chapter without going back to make sure everything lines up. (I'm still not all that happy with the end scene.)

Also, also, you may or may not notice Leliel's description. It's my little reconciliation with canon that since Azrael looks and acts pretty much nothing like she does in the show, it's Leliel that would have been Ella's 'ghost' friend. The idea being that Leliel was out helping Azrael one night and she was there to meet Ella instead of Azrael.

Last edited: [1/18/2020]

senpen banka: I hope you enjoy the rest of it!