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An: I know this chapter is pure angst, but Sesshomaru and Kagome are such an unlikely pair that I feel something incredible would have to happen to push them to be together. So I won't rush the development of their relationship.
It's been a month since the incident between she and Sesshomaru had occurred. She felt isolated and empty like an outsider in a strange barren land. The day that he had left her crying and humiliated in the bushes was a day that wouldn't leave her thoughts easily. Although it would be best if she forgets about it and move on. But move on to what, to where? She did not want go back to Edo, for all that awaited her there was more misery and death, and she has had her fill of it, having to endure while everyone that she holds dear in her heart dies.
She stared for long through the window from the bed and then squinted against the sunlight pouring inside when the glare became too much. It was mid-day after all, and the sun's glow was at its peak; however, she had not left her bed all day. What would be the point anyway? Nothing made sense anymore. Simple things like going outside and being appreciative of nature and her life held little appeal now that the spark was gone.
She felt no joy, and the undeniable urge that she had felt wanting to be close to Sesshomaru had all but vanished. All she experienced now when she thought of him was pain and confusion. She had seen it in his eyes on that day, so much hatred and spite, and all of it was directed at her, she cringed with just the memory of it. Sometimes in spite of her best efforts to look on the bright side of life it felt as if everything was falling down, and the earth had opened up its gaping jaws, anxiously waiting for her to plummet into its endless abyss. Kagome wanted to cry out for help, but sadly no one would care if she did.
If only she and Inuyasha had been successful in having children she would be contented now. She wouldn't feel this bitter loneliness or the sense of loss and failure. Where was her happy ending? Did it begin to fade the instant Inuyasha had started to age and had ended when he'd died? She sighed deeply; she just did not know what to do or how to feel about her life anymore.
Her throat was dry from all the crying she did, she swallowed harshly to irrigate the tightness in it and then shook her head against the dark creeping thoughts threatening to drown her in despair. No! No! This was not like her; she was a fighter, a survivor who had beaten the odds time and again. She had to find a way to break the spell of doom hanging over her head, or the last two hundred years of her life would be for naught. If she could just get a handle on her feelings for Sesshomaru she would be alright, but this damn burning inside her chest for him had already seared her soul, stamping its indelible mark on it forever. She groaned recognizing the truth, he was a danger to her if she could not apply the brakes on her feelings for him in time, however, that was easier said than done...
He made her feel things that she never knew existed outside of a fantasy. He made her want to shout with joy, run naked in the rain, scream with frustration. He set her blood on fire with just one touch, one tender kiss to her lips. He was genteel, he was rough, he was brutish and he was caring; but most of all he made her confused, all of which were frighteningly pleasing to her senses. The demon was one intriguing and complicated being. Perhaps that's why the attraction was so strong? It was the sense of danger and recklessness, mystery, and the curiosity of wanting to discern. But at some point prudence and common sense had to prevail.
Her heart had already been broken by Inuysaha's death, and if she allowed it Sesshomaru would finish the job. This time however it would not only break but shatter into a million fragments, and the splinters would be impossible to piece together again. Her brows knitted in exasperation as the pangs of resentment struck her in the head, furrowing deep. She gasped feeling tormented.
Dread, swift as a flash of lightning illuminated her mind and exposed all of her weaknesses and concerns, and it wasn't pretty. She quickly removed herself from the bed and went to the open window to escape the overwhelming sensation of an anxiety attack. Her throat tightened again, she was breathless, and in shock she took a big gulp of air which breached her throat painfully. She squeezed her eyes closed and waited on the welcoming reprieve from her anxieties, and when it came she breathed deeply.
She felt woozy now and it could be because of stress, or maybe it was because she wasn't eating often enough, or the faintness was a combination of the two. Either way she couldn't continue like this, she had to fight it.
sksksk
Sesshomaru shifted on his bed, he felt uncomfortable; whatever ailed the woman constantly affected him. He knew as much to know that by ingesting her blood he would be setting himself up for this type of problem. But in spite of that knowledge he had found it hard to control the urge to imbibe himself. Her blood energies were too damn intoxicating to refuse.
The day that he'd subdued her, he had gorged himself on it against his better judgment. The virulent liquid had in it traces amounts of her spiritual energies and a hidden kinetic connection to her emotions, which was irrelevant. What was relevant was how it had been affecting him and why for so long. In his consciousness he could feel her with him at all times. He had felt the misery and confusion that had eaten at her since then. And though he had wanted to go to her when he could not bear the copious feelings of despair that she had passed to him, he did not go and would not go to her.
Things were better off this way he kept telling himself, because the strain on his heart and soul were lessening. So why then did he feel so empty and alone if rejecting her was what he sought to accomplish? Something stirred inside his hardened soul when he had heard her panicky breaths a few moments ago. Not pity, but something just as compelling for a being that fought against his very emotions and unrepentant resolve.
Strangely a lump formed in his throat. He felt love for the woman, an undeniable ache that he must withstand at all costs. He swallowed back the bitter lump and clenched his jaw. He would resist her poison, fight it every step of the way for he would not tolerate being led around by the collar like a love-sick pup because of his wretched emotions.
His decision he would not compromise, although for his brother's sake he would try to make amends. Not so his mind reprimanded him, wanting to see the priestess had nothing to do with Inuyasha, and everything to do with his growing attachment to her. Sesshomaru lay silent as his conscience murmured the truth then rose to a chant. A strange feeling crept up his spine as he remembered her sad eyes and tears when he had to punish her.
He inhaled sharply and pushed from the bed as he'd decided in haste just now to go to her, even though he could not untangle himself from the web of contradiction that ensnared him. If nothing else he was hopeful that his visit would settle her so that her bothersome emotions would cease to affect him.
He shook his head in dismay as he made his way to her room. He knew that he had to be careful in her presence, the dispute between them seemed ancient and in some ways it was. She had challenged him in their early beginnings, stood as a shield between him and his brother and had fought him with neither fear nor understanding, and begrudgingly he had respected her for it.
However, he did not trust himself with her. Whether it was passion or pure hatred their emotions were always flickering, and one misunderstanding could weave the spark into a raging inferno. He hissed sharply. He wanted to wash his hands of her. He wanted to see her suffer for the reckless disobedience that she'd repeatedly displayed towards him. He did not want to see her, he did not want to feel the ravaging desire that she elicited from him. His footsteps faltered inches away from the door.
He found himself weakened by the muddled mess that was his mind and heart. He was conflicted by his desires; he wanted to save her from her own temper and pride. She had lost the battle but wasn't conquered by him. He knew her enough to recognize the strong will of her spirit. He did not want to fall in love and lose.
sksksk
Nervous now that she felt his aura close by, she bit into her lip and abruptly turned away from the window, looking fastidiously at the door instead. He was coming to see her. But why?
Wasn't it his intent to drive a wedge between them after humiliating her like a common whore? And the fact that he had stayed away for so long because certainly he did not expect her to be the one to come to him, not after the way he'd treated her. She valued her pride and dignity just as much as he did.
She drew her untidy robe nearer to her body, fluffed up her uncombed hair in a vain attempt to look more presentable. Why she made the effort she wasn't sure at the moment? Maybe it was because she did not want him to see how much his actions had affected her. She sighed moving closer to the door when his shadow remained still under it. And as much as she wasn't confident that she was ready to see him yet, a trembling hand reached for the door handle and turned. She backed away from it as it opened, and he stepped inside and closed it.
His eyes swept over her form swiftly as he entered and then widened in alarm by what he saw. She was remarkably thinner, and he wondered if the servants were supplying her with enough to eat. Her full pink lips were dried and cracked; her hair a shadowy mess, her blue eyes sunken into deathly pools and beneath them housed faint shadows.
She glared at him in sudden realization of his obvious disapproval of her state. She didn't care; he was the cause for all of it. She had made a simple mistake by comparing him to Inuyasha; after all they had been brothers and had many attributes in common. How was she to know that he would have taken such great offence by her innocent comment? To make matters worse he'd refused to accept her apology and had walked away from her vexed. She had been beside herself with worry and had pursued him to make him see that she had not meant to insult him.
She had only wanted to clear the air. If only she had known what the repercussions might be, then perhaps she would have let things cooled before approaching him. But then again, knowing her maybe she would have done it any way.
The memories of that day made her angry again; she looked up, heated eyes flashing with resentment seared over him. He smirked, he was right; the woman was hard to keep down. He straightened up, preparing himself mentally for the garrulous reproof.
There was a hesitant tap at the door and they both turned to it. "Lady Kagome would you like something to eat now? I am concerned, you haven't eaten all day."The gentle voice of one of Sesshomaru's servants asked.
Her lips twisted in hesitation because she could do with the food, however, she would refrain from eating while in his presence.
"Thank you for the offer," she replied, "but not now, I will eat a little later if you don't mind."
"That's fine mistress, later then,"came the soft response.
He watched the priestess deny herself sustenance because of him and was annoyed by it. It wasn't his intention to make her suffer because of their disagreements. He had promised Inuyasha to watch over her and in spite of the tumultuous situation between them he wasn't a callous being, he would prefer it if she was contented.
He only asked that she treated him respectfully, but he could see that wasn't going to happen easily. He took a breath and said hoarsely. "You should eat, your appearance is unbecoming."
Her eyes flashed again and this time her temper broke. "If my appearance bother you so much then maybe you shouldn't stand before it."
He smiled grimly. When would she ever learn? He was toeing the line of his very pride for her; he had taken her in when he didn't have to, and now when he showed some concern she brazenly threw it back into his face.
She saw his blazing eyes afterwards, burning bright like the iridescent sun. She shook her head vehemently refusing to yield to the warning. Even now when she felt his latent powers rising and he had moved that much closer to her, so that she could feel his breath on her shoulder; still, she refused to comply.
Oh! He made her so angry that she wanted to scream with frustration. Why did he come to her room and the first thing that he said to her sounded so much like an insult? She walked to the table and leaned against it, relieved to be free of his overpowering closeness.
She huffed and pulled her robe more closely to her form. He made her cagey and his eyes shining like polish crystals seems to peer deep down into her soul, making her feel more vulnerable.
She regarded him warily "Why are you really here, aren't you satisfied with your little demonstration in humiliating me, because if you are here for more I will not hold back this time?"
He hesitated in responding, something akin to fear hammered at his heart. He who was known for his careful judgment and calm wisdom was afraid to go near her. He had no control whatsoever now, and if he went closer to her he would surely grasp her beautiful neck and break it.
Instead, he stiffened and said coldly. "Priestess are you challenging me, because if you are, make sure that your strength not only lies in your tongue but also with your convictions?"
Kagome's heartbeat rumbled through her chest. "What is that suppose to mean?" She yelled.
She stared into his eyes now, looking for clues other than the menace in his soft voice. The only thing present there was the contempt he harbored towards her. Regardless, she would not let things stand as if there wasn't a problem.
"What do you want me to do,"she asked bitterly,"be your whore and do whatever you tell me without question? Well it isn't going to happen Sesshomaru; I am not one of your worthless bed partners."
Sesshomaru clenched and unclenched his fists by his sides in a vain attempt to keep his cool as a sensation swift and violent like a tempest passed over him as he'd listened to her angry outburst. He took a deep silent breath to calm himself, Kagome dug into and unearthed his wilder and more unreasonable emotions.
When he was calmer he responded."You refuse to comprehend the situation, you are here because I deem it so, you have lost and now you are alone. You are weak yet you constantly fight me which is foolish because you can never hope to best me,"he warned, his words a tight whisper."Fight me again and I will break you for good."
She stood glued to the spot, but fire soared into her eyes; they were liquid with tears and aflame with detestation.
Sesshomaru finally approached her, she didn't move. He leaned over her and offered her a tight mocking grin. "So you know, you could have been one of my whores as you rightly put it, that day at the river was the perfect place to make it so. Don't you agree?"
She moved swiftly to strike out at him, but he was ready. He caught her hand and held it so tightly until she cried out. Her hair fell forward as she lowered her head. Tears spilled down her cheeks and she cried in terrible silence, her lithe frame shaking with the force of a turbulent storm.
At a loss against the depths of her misery that was as tangible as a blade through his gut, he did what came naturally; he held her and tilted her chin upright. He saw the tears and removed them with the pad of his thumb. A ragged sob escaped her, her lips parted and without thought he kissed her. He stroked back her tangled raven hair and closed his eyes, running soothing circles along her back.
But she did not want his sympathy, he was the cause for all the wretchedness that had befallen her, and kami help her she would fight him and her feelings. With one huge unexpected movement she pushed him away, eyes flashing with disdain she cursed. "Get away from me, stay away and leave me the hell alone."
The violence that she educed in him was a burning tension; he felt it in his complete body, and his hands shook as he fought to relinquish the rage and hold onto his sanity. He did not feel remorse, for in truth she deserved the punishment that he'd meted out against her. But he felt ashamed for his loss of control; because he could not stop the conflicting sensations. One moment he hated her with all of his being, and the next he wanted to take her into his arms and love her.
When next their eyes met, hers crackled like the summer's sky. She spoke again and there was a husky timbre to her voice. "Get out, don't bother me anymore or I will leave here for good."
He gazed at the shaking woman, his emotions raw and conflicted, he should not have gone to her and now he risked being exposed. He'd made a mistake, one that he needed to fix immediately. He needed to be cold, neither displaying sympathy nor tenderness. He hadn't meant for any of this to happen, but he could not find the strength to resist her.
Regardless of his weakness she could not know how easily she had stirred him into gentleness with her bitter tears, and how utterly easy it was to make him respond in anger to her rebuff. He forced a brutal smile to his lips.
"I am not the half breed, your charm doesn't work on me, you're simply a tool for my amusement and a vessel for my heat."
She stared at him incredulously and he saw as tears formed in her eyes again, though she blinked them back. Then hatred filled their blue depths and she threw herself desperately against his weight, her nails raking his face.
He clenched his jaw and caught her fingers and stared down into her eyes with all the detachment that he could muster. "Only a fool would love you, and clearly I am not a fool."
"Bastard," she hissed, and the tears rolled down her cheeks.
He let her go and then silently left.
She sobbed softly; he leaned against the door inside his bedroom feeling worn and vacant. The very air around them seemed stolen, making it hard to breathe. It was as if a swirling vortex had vacuumed all the oxygen from within their midst and they would never be the same again.
The months ticked off and they avoided each other like the plague, never a word spoken between them after that. Soon the time came for him to leave his home; it was time to mind his lands again. He left without letting her know; she would be informed of his absence by one of the maids.
One more week to go and she would visit Edo for Inuyasha's memorial service. It would be a very significant occasion. It would be the one year anniversary of his death and a head stone erected over his grave. She couldn't wait.