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The excruciating tide of emotions that had attacked her just moments before slowly lessened, and nausea that incredulity had left behind was now a sinking feeling deep down inside her gut. She lifted her head and opened her eyes, suddenly becoming aware of the ferocious ache at her temples.
The sky above was still blue and calm; nothing had changed except for the serenity that had enfolded her minutes ago. She sighed feeling lost, caught up in waves of doubts. Sesshomaru had just turned her whole world upside down with a very contentious revelation.
She shook her head in weariness, clinging to the last shred of reason in her logical mind. She glanced at him frustrated and encountered his thoughtful expression and then looked away again. She was hurt and angry and yet she wanted so much to accept as truth what he had said.
However, accommodating such truths would not go down easily when the pain was so sharp and unyielding. It was just not possible. The rancour of Sesshomaru's declaration cleaved too deeply into her being for it to be readily accepted as blind reality.
It wasn't that she didn't believe him, and she couldn't think up any good reason for him to lie to her either. But the swell of uncertainty raging inside her heart and mind over the matter at hand was just too much to grasp at the moment. Furthermore, the magnitude of the statement and the reproachful consequences if what she suspected was in fact accurate would no doubt become an earth shattering tear inside her soul.
She trembled even as she speculated on the issues, because if she accepted this piece of information as valid, it would mean that her entire life with Inuyasha had been one big fat lie.
Kagome gasped aloud at the very idea. Startled, Sesshomaru turned slightly and looked at her, his brows knitted with concern at the confusion and sadness that he viewed embedded deep into her face. He looked away again, worried by the morose expression on her visage but he would not harbour any sentiments of guilt over telling her the truth. It was time she learned of it and moved on.
Anyhow he sought to comfort her by holding onto her fingers gently while he waited on her to come to terms with the past. They stayed silent for so long that he could hear the beating of her heart while the world seemed to hold still around them.
His eyes were upon her again as the endless silence continued. He watched her respectfully for the maturity in which she displayed in spite of the fact that she was hurting and in doubt. Before now she would have lashed out at him, saying useless things to him in anger, hence causing conflict and opening up unwanted rifts between them.
Staring off in the distance ahead Kagome was dimly aware of the purrs of her kitten growing louder as she came closer. A thin smile stretched her lips as the fire cat came into view. She had not seen her pet in almost a week and she was as pleased as she could be under the circumstances by her sudden appearance.
She stretched out her arms beckoning to Michi to come hither; the kitten purred more excitably as she raced the remaining way to her. She enveloped her pet close to her bosom and allowed the fondness that she had for the animal to comfort her though sadness seared through her soul making her cry softly into the kitten's fur.
Long moments passed before she let Michi go who ran into the bushes immediately chasing after a large rodent. She felt miserable and vulnerable again now that her arms were empty. She needed the solace of a loving embrace and soothing words to comfort her in her time of weakness and uncertainty.
Sesshomaru was barely a foot away and she needed him like never before but she wouldn't dare burden him with her troubles. Perhaps she would have been more willing to draw closer to him if he had offered her an ounce of support in the pass. He had always remained aloof even when she was at her lowest and had cried ceaselessly for Inuyasha at his passing.
She glanced at him again and this time his head was lowered. She sighed softly; not knowing what was going on inside his mind made it all the more difficult for her to reach out to him for comfort. Maybe she was being foolish and a tad judgmental because they had spent two blissful days in bed making love, enjoying each other and talking.
Those times had to count for something. Didn't it? The thought was as perplexing as an obscure nightmare. They'd shared not only the physical in those instances but a deeper understanding of each other, and if she were to be bold they had shared love as well. So why was she still in doubt?
The more she thought on the tumultuous relationship that they had shared the more reserved she grew. Or it could be that she was looking for a reason to isolate herself from him because she did not want to accept the truth of what he had said. Up until now she had not asked him the two most important questions that had been burning up her heart.
She was scared for herself, uncertain of the future and slightly tormented over the way her life had unfolded; she so desperately needed his care and understanding that she ached all over just thinking on the possibilities. Would he reject her, brushing her worries aside as inconsequential or would he pull her close? She didn't know the answers to those questions and she feared even more to find out.
Sesshomaru's attitude towards her may have softened somewhat but he was still an unpredictable demon whose emotions were not fully known to her, and that set of circumstances made it difficult for her to approach him with her concerns. She shook her head slightly as the low feeling within dropped to dangerous degrees.
Intellectually she knew that sex and love were often times two separate desires competing inside an individual depending on the person's state of mind or maturity. The standard viewpoint was that this principle was easier to define in women compared to men who could disconnect the two emotions without feeling any shame or guilt over their choices. So what did she truly mean to him at this point in time even though he had stated before that he cared a great deal for her? To her they were just words said in the heat of passion and could not be taken seriously.
Still, they had shared much of themselves with each other over these last few days, but she surmised that it was not a sufficient amount of time to expect him to be the source of the emotional support that she needed right now. They had barely tested the depths of their feelings for one another, and in her mind it was too much to ask of him so soon.
Unfortunately for her the misgivings on her mind dredged up and retrieved awful memories. It was not so long ago that he had egregiously told her that he could never love her; he had said to love her would be foolish and that he was not. She clenched her eyes shut against the horrible memory, though her body remained weary and her heart heavy as if she had endured a long tiresome battle.
He was at her side, her fluctuating emotions bothered him and he could not help but to analyse them. He deliberately deciphered her aura and mood as it ebbed and flowed like the wavering tides. He knew that she was drowning in uncertainty and had every right to feel as she does.
Their relationship had been chaotic from the start, none of them had taken the initiative to let go of the prideful feelings in their heart, and because of the strain, he had not been very forthright with his feelings for her, and now she doubted his sincerity. He turned to her again and saw the slump of her shoulders and heard the wild beating of her heart. She was scared but refused to draw comfort from him, instead she stared impassively ahead.
He hissed quietly in annoyance, he had miscalculated, he had thought that by now she would have been able to determine his true intentions towards her. There was no doubt in his mind that she had seen through his façade of indifference and had measured it against his ire, and had used his growing affections for her to taunt him because she was aware that he never truly desired to hurt her any at all.
How else did she rationalize his high tolerance level for all the disrespect that she had shown him? Or is it that she did not think he had emotions to begin with because he was full demon, a monster in her eyes? He thought resentfully. Before her his feelings were not as intense, but because of her he had to deal with them and now he would never deny her anything that she truly wanted.
He had even disregarded his own stubborn pride and had taken her in his bed and arms after her cheap affair with another male. That alone should be enough to shed more light on his true feeling for her. He was extremely tempted to reach out and grab the obstinate woman, pulling her close to his side to keep her safe when suddenly she turned to him with eyes filled with tears.
Her lips trembled as he observed her preparing herself to finally speak after the long pause. He breathed deeply, quietly; he already knew what would come.
"You say that Inuyasha was sterile and that he was incapable of getting me pregnant, did he know as well?" She queried with faltering tones.
He gazed at her gravely, he was silent; he did not deny her words. She made a sound of mourning despair. She felt terror welling within her and gasped, and despite her best effort her next question broke as a sob.
"Sesshomaru please tell me the truth, why did he keep such a thing from me…Why?"
He hesitated, and for a moment the look in his eyes suggested that he would hold her, that he longed to touch her just as she desperately longed to be assured that all of this was simply a terrible nightmare. But he did not hold her, and the truth that this was no dream but the harsh reality of life was there in his gaze. She lowered her head as her eyes watered; she would not let him see the bitter tears of her sorrow. She lay quietly back down on the blanket when all the strength seemed to vanish from her body.
She heard him say her name but had no energy left in which to respond. All her senses had suddenly gone mute and her body numbed with regret, turning all her happy memories into a painful heartache.
Sesshomaru struggled with his emotions watching and listening to the woman that he cared for among all others crumble under the pressure of a failed fantasy. He had seen it in her eyes that she'd believed he had spoken the truth, and yet she was hurting because of it. It would seem that she would have preferred to continue living happily believing a lie.
He was not inconsiderate of her feelings of loss and bitterness, but she was alive and had faced terrible ordeals and had survived them all. And now she was a pathetic being carelessly losing herself to depression, inviting the dead and the past to chart the remainder of her life.
She began to shiver with fear as the cold hard facts of her life rained down on her like a terrifying blizzard. He heard her cry out his brother's name and muttering why? She shook her head from side to side with her eyes wide with panic.
No, he would not let her give up; this was not his way of doing things. Leaving her to mourn was only facilitating her need to destroy herself with one more tragedy, although they were all linked to the half breed.
He spun on her, swiftly capturing her arms above her head and bringing his mouth to hers in a bruising kiss. He bit down harshly forcing his fangs through her lips. She cried out in terror and struggled beneath him from the immense pain.
He bit down harder paying no heed to her cries and screams. The more she struggled the harsher he bit into her lips. Blood dribbled down her chin and onto her chest, and his weight on top of her almost stopping the very air from entering her lungs.
"Please stop!" she finally yelled out, letting a spark of her reiki lick against his back.
Slowly he removed himself from across her body and gazed down on her shaking form; his eyes burning and his mouth set in a line of disgust. She glared at him and cried harder; his lips parted and he spoke.
"You cry for what you could never have with Inuyasha and yet the sting of my bite is far more tangible. Mourn for what is real and not for things that has no value in life." His words were slow but pierced the veil of her clouded heart instantly.
She sat up quickly and stared at him with quickening anger. "How dare you make light of what I am going through, all this time my life had been nothing but a joke and Inuyasha…How could he do this to me?"
"He did it to give you hope," he countered immediately. "ould you have been contented while he was alive if you had known from the beginning that he was sterile, and could never give you the children that you desired?"
Her eyes widened with the question posed to her, and it was one that gave her much to think about.
Sesshomaru continued without another moment's hesitation. It was time for the past to perish.
"You asked how I knew he was sterile, it is simply this. All hanyous born of a demon and a human can never reproduce. Look around Kagome and you will see that it is nature's way. We may act and have similar characteristics but we are different in many ways. The species were never meant to mix, but sadly when it comes to love most do foolish things."
He stopped speaking for awhile giving her a moment to collect herself and to say whatever she wanted if she felt the need, but all he felt and saw was her seething anger. Apparently she was not convinced and believed that he had other motives than simply relating the truth. He shook his head and stood up with his back to her; nothing had changed between them in spite of his best efforts to get her to trust him.
He said nothing more and felt the silence stretching between them again. He sensed her movements and turned to see her redressing into her kimono. Her shoulders were stiff and her eyes focused elsewhere. Her actions were deliberate as she avoided his stare. He noticed how tired she looked and that she was near tears again.
As she sat there she did not know what to believe about him anymore. He had just said that the races were never meant to mix and she could not forget the deep resentment that he'd carried for his father, a noble demon that had loved a human woman and had died to protect her and his son. It was clear that he still maintained such nonsense. So the question on her mind was. What was his real intention for being with her? She was human after all.
Tears rose in her eyes; tears that were no longer hers alone. They represented the grief of all the individuals that had a forbidden love like hers, for Sesshomaru's and Inuyasha's father, for Izayoi and for her loss.
After some time had passed and there were no more tears left to cry she leapt to her feet and suddenly turned on him. "I knew it was too good to be true to stupidly believe that you could have changed for the better, when here you are being cynical with your primitive ideologies."
She glared at him in challenge, his brows arched as his anger soared once more. Then he chuckled but the laughter did not touch his eyes. "If your fantasies make you happy then you must cling to them," he said reproachfully.
She opened her mouth to refute his statement but refrained when he abruptly stepped away from her. She called out his name but he ignored her and then began to speak again as if he had not heard.
"I harbor no ill intent towards the love shared between you and my brother. He was half demon and as such was born sterile, "Kagome gasped, he turned and looked at her, she was in pain and sadly he could not take it away.
She would have to dig deep within herself to find the strength that she needed to fight the sorrows in her soul and to live on, and if she required it of him he would stay by her side and help her through it. But for now she needed to hear the truth; recognize it so that they could have something meaningful together if she still desired it. As he waited he realized that her anger had calmed though she seemed more sad and reflective.
"I don't understand any of this," she said and shook her head, "I am human and by your standards I am not worthy to be your partner much less to carry your offspring…So tell me, why you fight so hard to keep me with you?"
He forced himself to gaze at her with disinterest so that he could answer truthfully and calmly, because his emotions were spiralling within, almost out of control and one wrong move, one wrong word could shatter their unsteady truce.
After a short time he was able to calm the raging seas of his mind and responded softly. "Initially I took you in because it was my brother's dying wish, but in spite of the many attempts that I'd made to drive you away my heart had other plans."
He turned away from her after seeing the shocked look on her face. She tried to think quickly, to say something but nothing was forthcoming; she was stunned speechless.
Their little talk wasn't done yet; he had the rest of the explanation to get out in the open so that there would be no further misunderstandings between them on the subject. He pursed his lips tightly growing impatient with the situation before he faced her again. He stared at her for a moment and then asked.
"Do you know what is born from the coupling of a horse and a donkey?" Her eyes narrowed in confusion briefly, not because she was unsure of the answer, but because of the oddity of the question.
She swallowed thickly prior to her answer, feeling dreadfully uncomfortable under his golden scrutiny. "A mule," she finally replied.
He nodded in agreement, and suddenly the unease inside her head and body mounted as the truth slowly unravelled in front of her eyes.
She watched his piercing eyes and saw as they softened upon her face and knew how he really felt inside and was heartbroken by it. Wearily she closed her eyes as his voice filled her ears again.
"Inuyasha is much like a mule in that he was a bi- product of two beings similar in likeness but different at the core, and like them his kind would never be able to breed. It is unfortunate that things turned out this way, he had wanted to make you happy and after ten years of marriage and being childless he came to see me, I took no joy in informing him of his short comings."
Kagome lowered her head trembling, all these years she had thought that it was fate that had prevented her from having a family. Only to hear now that it was simply a case of biology made her even angrier.
Sesshomaru did not need to explain further, she was an educated woman from the future and knew the theories behind reproduction. For procreation to take place the creatures involved would have to be evenly-matched to produced beings like themselves capable of breeding. The chromosomes level of the parents would have to be of equal amount.
In the case of a mule the similarities between its parents were sufficient enough for them to conceive but the uneven number of chromosomes between them guaranteed that their offspring would be infertile.
The dog general and Inuyasha's human mother had anatomies smimilar in likeness to each other with subtle aesthetic differences; but their genetic makeup differed a great deal with just enough connection for them to breed.
However, his father would have had thrice the amount of chromosomes than his mother being humanoid and a dog. Thus making any offspring that they created a sterile being.
It was a lot to take in and her world spinning around viciously made the task even more daunting. She sat back down feeling the heavy weight of the burdens on her shoulders, and the splitting ache in her head made her eyes water. She rubbed her temples gently to alleviate some of the pressure while Sesshomaru stared at her thoughtfully.