THUD!
Ilia fell a good couple stories down the hole until she made contact with the hard concrete flooring.
"Owwwwwww..." She whined as she writhed in pain.
Despite Ilia's cautions, the old rickety ladder had buckled under her weight, giving her presence a brassy announcement to any living thing that might have been nearby. This might not have been a problem, had it not been for the fact that this ladder was also her only means of escape if the situation so required.
Ilia looked around; there didn't appear to be any other exit points in the area, other than the grate beneath her where the water ran through, but who knew where that lead. With little else to do but press on, Ilia picked up a torch that hung from the walls and continued down the long passage.
(I wonder who comes down to light these things...)
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Ilia, her entrance into the sewers had indeed been noticed, albeit not by any entity that was hostile at the time. Above the hole through which she fell, two figures observed as Ilia ventured deeper into the dark tunnels.
"Heheheh... I can't believe that schmuck actually went down there!"
"Huh huh yeah, the boss is gonna like this!"
Skaff and Rombo, the duo of comical Bulblin henchmen, skittered off in glee to inform their master of whatever it was that made Ilia's subterranean detour so significant.
Ilia continued on her way in a blind search for an exit; at first, she was headed in the general direction of Castle Town, but the elaborate design of the sewers had taken her in such several different ways that it was impossible to regain her bearings.
It was dark, damp, and cold; her only comfort being the small flame she carried, despite her nurtured aversion to fire. It guided her along her way as she ventured closer and closer to what could have been an early grave.
"Someone there?!" Ilia called into the darkness.
On top of her limited sight, the constant sound of running water also made it difficult to listen for potential enemies. Ilia grew increasingly paranoid with every slight sound she picked up, whether real or imagined. She was also unarmed, something she became painfully aware of when she thought she saw a hulking figure rushing towards her from the shadows.
Worse still, she would often find herself occupied by her concerns over what would happen if she were to even find her way out of this labyrinth at all. If it wasn't nerve wracking enough to be stumbling around in the dark, Ilia was brazenly marching through a restricted area and into a highly secured government building with the intention of directly confronting a head of state, all by herself. She was literally and metaphorically playing with fire.
(Don't look so far into the future that you can't see what's right in front of you)
The Shade's advice from the desert rang in her head, reminding Ilia not to be distracted by her worries, but it was simply too perturbing a fact that she faced the very real possibility of being executed the moment she made herself known. Luckily, there would soon after be something to snap her back to the present.
"Brrr..."
A cold breeze blew straight into Ilia's face, seemingly blowing out whatever warmth she had left in her body. She had been down there for about a half hour at this point, and it was becoming quite apparent that she would be there for quite a time longer, so she decided to pull out her previous set of clothes from her backpack; they were still as filthy as they were when she last wore them, but this was hardly the time to complain.
After she threw on the extra layer of clothing, Ilia was about to close her backpack when she noticed the old maps that she'd been carrying. At first, she was inclined to ignore them and continue on her way, but since she was already on a break, she decided to spare just a few moments to go over them one last time.
(Maybe these are the maps to the sewers...) She thought to herself with a mixture of optimism and sarcasm.
As always, the crudely drawn markings and pathways appeared to have been penned with a purpose, but were utterly unreadable without proper context.
Thankfully, they were stapled together, which allowed Ilia to focus on studying the front page.
Most of it was taken up by a large, angular object with a conspicuous arrow pointing at something near the corner with a few decorative trees on the side. It reminded Ilia of the secret entrance she took to end up getting lost in the first place.
The next page was for the most part a straight line with a few odd turn-offs that simply lead one back to the main passage. Ilia remembered only needing to travel forward for a while until she was forced to choose between a series of branching paths.
The third page, as she surmised, was indeed where things became more complicated; the beeline tunnel ended with a familiar three-way split that spread like tree roots across the paper.
There was no doubt about it - Ilia was carrying a map of the Castle Town Sewers. She was clearly in the good graces of fortune to not only receive this guide by unknown means, but also to end up in the exact place where she would need it.
"I can't believe it!" She exclaimed "It's like... someone up there wanted me to get to the Castle all along!"
Ilia traced her finger along the parchment, plotting her course, and resumed her journey with newfound confidence. This was meant to be!
About ten minutes had passed when Ilia reached what she assumed was her destination; besides the secret entrance, this final area was the only place that had been marked with a profound X. Behind a barred gate, a stairwell leading upward signaled the end of her long underground crawl.
There was only the task of getting that final barrier open, preferably without alerting any guards that might have been nearby. If her escape from the Arbiters Grounds was any indication though, it was that simplistic security measures such as this were disabled by a activating a large nearby switch.
It took little time for Ilia to spot a large chain hanging from the ceiling with a grip handle on it's end. It was just across the water from where she stood. There was no obvious way around without having to backtrack a long ways, so with time most likely being of the essence at this point, Ilia had no choice but to wade her way to the other side.
"This shouldn't be so bad..." Ilia said as she tossed her torch to the other side and dipped her toe in...
*SPLASH!*
Ilia slipped on the wet stone platform and fell face first into the water, which carried an unfortunate stench that she didn't get a nose-full of until she thrashed her way to the surface.
"EWWW! THIS IS POOP WATER!"
Hurrying to the other side, Ilia climbed her way out of the raw sewage that she was now completely soaked with. On the bright side of it all, she was in a very convenient place for her to puke her stomach out like she would after a night of too much moonshine.
Coughing and shivering in absolute revulsion, Ilia took a moment to compose herself before she'd even look at the switch that just had to be placed on the wrong side. She'd accustomed herself to the usual road grime one collects in the wilderness, but this was something else.
Finally, Ilia was ready to get back to business and be done with this place once and for all. She reached up for the chain, only to find that it was just out of her reach, requiring her to jump for the handle. This part was simple enough, but her task was made all the more complicated with every loss of grip on the bar.
Again and again, every attempt she made to pull the switch down resulted in her falling back to the floor when her arms were unable to support her full weight.
(A weak wrist makes a weak arm)
Ilia quoted the Shade in her head with a mocking tone; this was not a problem she was unfamiliar with, as her weak wrists had failed her numerous times during this adventure, but she was in no time or place to start working out; her only option was to keep trying.
Jumping up and down repeatedly in a repetition that would have a comical sight for anyone else, Ilia made about thirty attempts until she finally found herself holding on to the handle; a delayed vibration in the chains suggested that she'd finally succeeded, but this was confirmed when the switch snapped downward as the gate lowered it's bars.
"Ugh, finally!" Ilia scoffed, too exhausted to even be satisfied.
Ilia moved her way up the stairs, quieting her steps when she remembered that she wanted to remain out of sight for as long as possible. She crept her way up to be met with a plain looking metal door. She tested the knob, determining that it was unlocked, and slowly cracked it open.
The coast seemed clear; she was in what appeared to be an empty basement with another staircase just across from her. Carefully, she moved to get a better look, crossing the room with no trouble until she heard the sound of steel boots coming in her direction. Two guards, by the sound of it.
Not ready to make herself known, Ilia slowly moved backwards for the metal door, hoping to stay hidden until the guards passed her by.
*CRASH*
Due to not seeing where she was going, Ilia hit the leg of a table, causing a bucket full of detergent to drop all over the floor.
"HEY! WHO'S DOWN THERE!" Called one of the guards.
With her cover blown, Ilia rushed for the door and tried in vain to get it open with her panicking hands fidgeting all around the knob.
"HEY YOU!"
Ilia threw her hands up, knowing she'd been caught.
"What are you doing in here? You think the princess lives down there?" One of them asked.
"I um... I was just looking for the..." Ilia stuttered.
"The main stairwell? It's this way, follow me." The other guard said as he gestured Ilia towards him.
Sheepishly, Ilia obliged and followed the two, preparing herself for whatever it was they were leading her to.
"I don't know why they let you in here unsupervised..." One of them said "But you still should have asked for someone to accompany you."
Ilia gulped, she didn't know exactly what was going on, but was still prepared to face the worst. The three came out into what looked like the main lobby of the castle when one of them stopped.
"Alright you take her up, Zelda's waiting." He said as he resumed his post.
Ilia's heart skipped a beat. Zelda was expecting her? She obviously planned on meeting the princess, but this knowledge somehow seemed like a bad sign. As she and the guard ascended the long staircase, Ilia also found it strange that no one seemed to notice that she was covered head to toe in human waste.
"Wait here."
Finally, as they reached the top of the tower, the guard entered a large door and left Ilia alone in silence. She waited. What for? she didn't know, but whatever it was, it couldn't be much worse then the wait.
"The princess will see you now." The guard said as he returned, holding open the door.
Ilia blinked and walked forward into Zelda's private quarters, ready for anything.
"Ah, you must be Ilia. Come on in."
A voice called from deep within the room, it was Zelda. Through a slight veil of steam, the princess of Hyrule sat in an expensive hot tub with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of chardonnay in the other. The two stared each other down as Ilia approached; the confrontation she had long anticipated was about to unfold.
"I apologize for any difficulty my men may have caused you." Zelda said "I would have informed them you would be arriving early, had I known."
"You know who I am?" Ilia asked plainly.
"Of course." Zelda replied "Link told me a great deal about you; in fact, it was he who insisted that I invite you as a special guest."
Ilia tensed up. Of course that scumbag Link would want her to be there, probably so he could rub it all in her face.
"Now then..." Zelda said as she dropped her flippant attitude "Word gets around fast in my kingdom, and it behooves me greatly to be informed on any hearsay that's spread about, therefore I couldn't help but overhear a rumor that there were some... hard feelings between us."
Ilia felt a pulse in her head, the absolute audacity of this snooty upstart...
"Any friend of Link is a friend of mine." Zelda continued "So I assure you that if I have wronged you in anyway, I would love nothing more than to make amends."
Ilia inhaled before she responded; Zelda was clearly trying to get a rise out of her, she had to be calm.
"It's... not your fault, Zelda." She uttered as respectfully as she could "I'm only here to have a quick talk with Link and then I'll get out of your hair."
Zelda cocked her eyebrow "Hmm... Well, I don't believe he is here at the moment. In fact, he usually retires for the night at this hour. In any case, I am relieved to see that there is no quarrel between us, care for a smoke?"
"No thanks." Ilia said bluntly.
"Ah yes, you look as though you've a had a rough trip." Zelda half chuckled "I have a place reserved for you in the guests quarters, my servants will have a warm bath ready for you."
"Oh no, I'm not staying the night." Ilia said, now feeling only a little deflated by Zelda hospitality. "Can you just tell me where Link is? I really, really need to talk to him."
Zelda eyed Ilia for a moment, appearing to be confused.
"Well I... I don't know. In fact, I would have imagined that he'd arrive here with you."
This caused Ilia to finally snap.
"WILL YOU CUT THE CRAP ALREADY AND SPEAK ENGLISH?!" She barked "I didn't come here to have a tea party with you, I went through Hell and back to get here just to talk to my... friend because he couldn't bother to at least send me a letter!"
Zelda was shaken by Ilia's sudden outburst "I'm... I'm sorry?"
"And another thing!" Ilia continued "You disgust me! You are nothing but a snobby bitch who sits in your castle all day with your fancy wine, talking down to other people, and getting hitched with my... with... whoever you want! Like nobody else matters!"
"Ilia, please calm yourself." Zelda pleaded "What I was trying to say was-"
"I was going to leave you out of this, but you... you... URGH!"
Having blown out all of the heat, Ilia threw her arms back and turned away, leaving the dumbfounded Zelda to process the vehement rant that had been thrown her way.
"Ilia, I... I believe we've miscommunicated." the princess finally said "Why don't we start from the beginning; tell me what it is that you need from me."
"All I want is to just talk to Link, that's all..." Ilia sighed.
"Ilia, I assure you I do not know where he is at the moment, I'm only expecting to see him tomorrow." Said Zelda "But I see that you have urgent business with him, so I can have my guard check the logs to see if he's in the castle."
"Why wouldn't he be in the castle?" Ilia demanded "Isn't he getting shacked up with you?"
"What are you talking about?"
The two remained in silence at this. Ilia couldn't believe what she was hearing; was this some kind of elaborate joke? Someone had to be hidden nearby, laughing at her expense, there was no other explanation. This continued until a new voice rang into the scene.
"YOOHOOOO! I'VE BROUGHT THE HAPPY JUICE, MY LOVE!"
The door to Zelda's room swung open to reveal... someone coming in with a bottle of champagne. It was a short and tubby man skipping his merry way towards the hot tub in a set of fairy print swimming trunks.
"Tingle! There you are, you sexy thing, you!" Zelda cooed.
"TINGLE?!"
Ilia's jaw nearly dislocated from her skull when she saw the flamboyantly dressed weirdo she met in the Faron Woods running straight to Zelda and making out with the princess like he was getting married to her or something.
"Wh-wh-wh-w-" Ilia sputtered "But-but-but, you and... Huh? What? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!"
"Ilia, this is my fiance, Tingle." Zelda said as she momentarily broke away from the man's lips.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!"
"Ohoho! It's true!" Said Tingle "At last, Tingle has found a beautiful fairy princess to marry, now Tingle's life is complete!"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!"
"He thinks I'm a fairy, for some reason." Said Zelda.
At this point, Ilia's confused utterances became too incoherent to translate into dialogue.
"Are you okay?" Zelda asked "You've been acting so strange since you arrived."
"So you and this guy... you and Tingle? All along?" Ilia managed to ask.
"All along? What do you mean all along- oh dear..." Zelda sighed "It seems that was the source of confusion... No Ilia, I'm not being married to Link; there must have been some sort of error when I ordered the announcement."
Ilia fell to her knees, not knowing how to even feel about this revelation.
"So Link is not here?" She asked.
"Not to my knowledge." Said Zelda "He left the castle some weeks ago to return to Ordon, have you really not seen him since then?"
"No!"
"Oh dear..." Zelda whispered.