A/N: So I've written a lot of difficult stuff in my life, but absolutely nothing compares to how hard this was. Fingers crossed ...

Chapter 10: This Is Gallifrey

They went out for dinner, finding some quaint little restaurant at the edge of the eating district that was just slightly on the right side of busy. As they ate some hecasian delicacies, the Doctor intentionally inspired a fresh wave of positivity among the group about Rose.

Time distortions? Easy.

Gravitational distortions? Piece of cake.

Unreality pockets? Annoying, but no problem.

Psychosis-inducing icaron particles? Oh, simple, with a few tweaks to the TARDIS.

The rest? Take it as it comes. Sorted.

Despite the Doctor's continued insistence to everyone that getting into Tuvala would be a walk in the park, with every passing second, the acidic reality that it would be completely suicidal was seeping into every atom of his brain.

Time distortions? Slightly doable, but he'd have to rehash the TARDIS' basic temporal surfing capabilities through some intense and complex programming and reinforce her defences to pretty astonishing levels. That would require so much power that he'd quite literally have to find some way to condense the rift and take it with him. The only solution he could currently think of was rebuilding the extrapolator from scratch fifteen times over and linking them all together.

Gravitational distortions? Again, slightly doable, but the gravitic anomaliser would need completely stripping, cleaning, boosting, rewiring, and he'd have to invent some sort of secondary power device to be able to get the gravitic anomaliser to sustain an artificial gravity field around the TARDIS for what could be days and days. No such device existed.

Unreality pockets? He had no idea what they were even supposed to be. He'd only read some mad theories by people he'd assumed had been smoking something banned on 300 planets in some obscure cult magazines. Preparing for them and what they might do was just going to be a case of upping the defences even more and probably praying to some deity that he didn't hit too many.

Psychosis-inducing icaron particles? Basically, deadly. If they were normal icarons, they'd cause everyone to become paranoid and psychotic and probably kill each other, and if they were the other kind, the TARDIS would explode. He didn't know which ones they'd find. One, or both? Probably both. There was very little he could currently think of to solve that particular problem.

The rest? Not a clue. Trying to think of what they might be was a bit like reaching into a bag of raffle tickets, with each number assigned to random dreams and nightmares he'd had while he'd been sick with a particularly violent strain of North Plutonian Influenza and accused Donna of being an Oompa Loompa trying to steal his right shoe.

But he'd promised Leah. And he'd not only promised her, he'd promised Rose, too.

'Rose. I know you're still in there, so listen. I'm going to save you. I'm going to wake up, and then find you, and save you from this. I promise I'm coming back to save you. Just hold on. I love you.'

Yep, those had been his exact words. And right now, he couldn't see himself getting even a foot into Tuvala, nevermind finding this elusive and somewhat mythical shrine.

They finished dinner and went back to the living quarters. Leah and Alex went to bed, and Jack retired to his room to call Torchwood and do his own thing for the night, leaving the Doctor - once again - alone in the main area, fighting the urge to sleep and risk being attacked by the Lanwa's disease in his vulnerable state.

Silent hours, besides conversations with himself, ticked by as the light outside faded into black. Eventually, he got up, grabbed his coat, and went to the Celene.

Millennia had already formed by the time he got there, standing waiting patiently. She'd seen him coming. 'You should be resting,' she observed, smiling in that sweet way he still - after so long - recognised so well.

'My rest isn't very restful these days,' the Doctor replied, shrugging.

'So you decided to come and talk to me. Thanks.'

'Can't talk for too long to myself,' the Doctor answered, only half-joking. 'Thanks for this,' he said, holding up his metal arm. 'I'm impressed.

Millennia nodded. 'I was monitoring your brain function when you booted it up. Everything worked just how I'd designed it so I was pretty pleased with myself. Only thing was the medical staff here can't quite understand our biology but it didn't matter, it was all standard procedure in the end. You had me worried for a while, though, Nei'Veeto.'

He grinned. 'If you're looking for patient feedback, probably rein in on the psychotic part next time. And the sweats. And the hallucinations. And numbness. You know, all that.'

She laughed. 'Sorry. It was all so experimental. You were a bit of a test subject. But Panacea and I were watching you very closely.'

He nodded. 'I know.'

'So who are you with?' she wondered. 'Leah, Theo, and Jack?'

'Leah and Theo are mine. Jack's human. Met him in the Blitz on Earth. Honestly can't get rid of him anymore. Really did try,' he joked.

She looked confused. 'But he's not human. I've seen his biological profile.'

The Doctor winced. 'Err, long story. Basically, he's immortal because of the Tardis and Rose.'

'Oh, and who's she? I hear you talking about her.'

'Do you listen to all my conversations?' he wondered, smirking.

She smiled. 'Oh no, just the best bits. Not a lot, though, honestly. Who's Rose?'

'She's …' He paused. The words 'bonded partner' and 'wife', for some reason, weren't forthcoming. '… Someone I care deeply about.'

'Human?'

'Yep.'

'But she's not here. The way you talk about her, though - something happened to her?'

He nodded, biting his lip a little. 'Yeah. She has Lanwa's disease.'

'Oh. I'm so sorry.'

'I know where the cure is, it's just … really hard to get there.'

'Where is it?'

'Region of split space. Tuvala.'

'Oh,' she murmured, and thought about that. 'Are you going?'

'I don't have a choice. I have to try.'

She nodded. 'So why are you still here?'

He frowned. 'What?'

'The boy I grew up with wouldn't still be here. He'd be up and out to find that girl and save her. You can't use the therapy as an excuse, that's not you. So why are you still here?'

'Because of you,' he said honestly. 'I said I'd save you, and I will.'

'You're promising that to a lot of people, y'know,' Millennia pointed out.

'Yeah, I know,' he admitted, shrugging slightly. 'Force of habit.'

'You should go and find this cure. Leave me, I'll be fine. You can come back later. I'll still be here. She's on limited time.'

He shook his head. 'That's not fair. I said I'd help you. It was all my fault.'

'What?'

'I killed you,' he croaked. 'It was all me. The idea … getting a Tardis … going to his realm … everything.'

'Rallon and I chose to go with you. Don't talk like that.'

'I got Rallon possessed and condemned you to be a prisoner for hundreds of years,' the Doctor insisted. 'And then I had to kill you.'

'I asked you to kill me. In doing that, you saved me. Besides, when we set out we were all very young.'

'You were the youngest,' the Doctor murmured.

'I don't blame you, not one bit,' she said softly. 'There were three of us in that Tardis. We all made that choice.'

'None of us knew what we were getting into,' the Doctor said quietly. 'I led you both headfirst into it and then just ran away.'

'And that was the thrill,' she replied immediately. 'That's why we did it.'

'But I ...'

'Like I said, there were three people on that Tardis,' she reiterated. 'We could have pulled out. We didn't.'

'But … This is what I've done to you. I've turned you into a ghost. A ghost now begging to stop being a ghost.'

'I'm not a ghost - and it wasn't you, so stop thinking like that. How is everyone?' she asked, suddenly completely changing the subject.

'What?' the Doctor asked, wrongfooted.

'Everyone in the Deca. How's Koschei? See him a lot?'

The Doctor frowned, and then realised. Millennia had been so young when she'd been taken prisoner, that to her he and the Master were still best friends in her mind. 'Well … that's a bit complicated.'

'How so?'

'On account of the fact that for the last 700 or so years he's been trying to kill me.'

She raised an eyebrow. 'Are you joking?'

'Nope.'

'Wow,' she said, astounded. 'But you two were inseparable.'

'We still are, in a way,' the Doctor joked.

'What about Brax?'

The Doctor winced.

'What?' she asked, her eyes wide.

'He's … gone insane. A very powerful man got inside his head and he's mentally broken. I had to lock him up.'

She stared at him with wide eyes. 'Wow, would it kill you to give me some good news? What about Jelpax? Let me guess, sweet little Jelpax is now a mass murderer?' she said, laughing.

The Doctor gazed at her, his breath caught in his throat as Jelpax's rather horrific death clouded his thoughts.

'What?' she asked, her face falling. 'He isn't, is he?'

'No,' the Doctor croaked.

'Then what?' her eyes squinted at him, considering. 'Is he … dead?'

'... Yes.'

'How?'

'... I can't tell you.'

'I want to know.'

'It's not nice.'

'Tell me.'

He swallowed. '... He and the squad he was commanding were overrun by the native population of an outpost. They were hanged and hacked apart continuously through all their remaining regenerations. I found his body - or what was left of it.'

She stared at him, completely horrified. 'But he was … so … he was sweet. Why did he go into the Chancellery Guard?'

'He didn't. He joined the army.'

She looked so confused. 'But … Gallifrey doesn't have an army.'

He was struggling not to scream, cry or possibly do both at the same time for having to recount this yet again. 'No, not until the war.'

'So there was a war? And Jelpax joined the army?'

'We all did.'

'You did?' she asked, shocked.

'Yes. We all fought. We fought, and we fought, and we fought, and we kept on fighting until the day we … lost.'

'We lost?' she whispered, mortified.

'Everyone lost. Half the known universe was wiped out, Gallifrey with it. They're all dead, Millennia. Everyone besides my insane brother and a man who keeps trying to kill me. Everyone else we ever knew is dead.'

There was a poignant silence as she took that in.

'But … my parents,' she croaked, 'your parents. The Deca. My sister. The cousins …'

'I'm sorry.'

'Tell me you're lying.'

'I'm so sorry,' he replied solemnly.

She abruptly fell to her knees and began to cry profusely, grieving for all those she'd lost. Instinctively, he dropped to his knees too, staying perfectly on her eye level and wanting nothing more than to touch her - hug her. But he couldn't. She was just a hologram.

She sobbed for several minutes before she looked up at him through a parting in her blue hair, her eyes streaming. 'I … I thought once I f-found you I c-could go back home,' she sobbed, struggling to get the words out. 'I was … I was thinking to myself I could f-fix things with my sister and … and my cousins and I could g-go back to the Academy, and d-do everything I … everything I missed. I was s-so focused on mys-self I didn't th-think that the universe h-had … moved on without m-me. That … that maybe after 800 y-years that it wasn't … that it wasn't g-going to be the s-same. I'm so st-stupid.'

'You're not, you are definitely not,' he insisted, crawling a little closer to her. He was partially inside the aether, now. He couldn't feel any effect, so he shuffled a little bit further forward.

'And y-you,' she gasped, her tears increasing. 'I'm c-calling you Nei'Veeto, b-but you c-can't be h-him, can you? You gr-grew up, and I … and I just assumed y-you would be the s-same but you … you've been through all of this and … and I'm s-so sorry. I didn't … I didn't mean t-to hurt you.'

'You didn't,' the Doctor said. 'And of course I'm Nei'Veeto. I'll always be Nei'Veeto.'

She continued to sob. Without knowing he was doing it, he reached out with his right hand and to his complete surprise, he touched her shoulder. She was solid. 'I can touch you?'

Not answering, she linked her hands in his, weaving their fingers together as she closed her eyes, more tears spilling out as they caught in her eyelashes and crawled down her cheeks. He could feel her shaking, and he could also feel something deep inside him responding to the touch of her after so long.

'Please don't cry,' he said softly.

She looked up into his eyes, and time seemed to dilate out into some meaningless concept. For the first time in his life he had no idea how many seconds had passed as they knelt there, both of them transfixed on each other.

That feeling panged inside him again.

She moved her hands to cup his face. He tried to move as alarm bells rang in his head, but he couldn't. He stayed there, frozen, staring into her eyes.

She gave him ample time. She didn't force him to stay in any way whatsoever. But he couldn't move. Not a foot, nor a finger - not even a single hair seemed to be trembling. His brain screamed to back away, but his hearts were somehow making him stay completely still.

He found himself doing absolutely nothing to stop her as she slowly leaned forward, and kissed him.

It wasn't particularly passionate. It wasn't particularly romantic. It was a gallifreyan kissing a gallifreyan - two people born and raised in an emotionless culture, now stealing a small moment of love and affection in a universe that - for their individual reasons - had made them feel so incredibly lonely and sad.

It wasn't just a kiss, he realised. It was home - to the life he'd known so long ago. Roaming around the academy with the Deca at his side. When the Master was Koschei; when Rani was the coolest person he'd known; when, for the first time in his life, he'd felt part of something. Before the trip with Rallon and Millennia. Before he'd stolen the TARDIS and ran away. Before the Time War.

Before he killed them all.

Now with Brax in a state of sheer insanity and the Master in a complete world of his own, he and Millennia were the only ones left to remember Gallifrey as it really had been. Just them. And they'd found each other on a remote planet billions of light-years from where they'd started.

However, it wasn't even as simple as that, he realised. He could try and dismiss this kiss as just two lonely mixed up people who needed some affection, but that didn't explain what he was feeling for her. It had been there for a while, but now it was screaming inside him. The feeling he'd been denying all day.

With her gentle nature he'd always adored - kind, sweet, selfless, and perfect - Millennia was the same as she'd been so long ago. He still loved her as much as he'd done the day he'd met her.

Millennia pulled back, her nose inches from his own. She continued to hold his cheeks.

He didn't know what to do. Stay? Run?

He continued to stare into Millennia's eyes, his thoughts and subconscious racing at warp speed. Thoughts of Rose flittered at the edge of his mind. Further thoughts of his part in killing everything she ever knew jumped up too.

He couldn't do this.

'... I can't do this. Not now. Not with you. I'm sorry.'

'But … But it's only us l-left,' she croaked.

'I can't.'

Millennia let go of his face so he could leave freely. Finally, his limbs seemed to respond and he got up, backing away.

'I can't. I just can't. I'm sorry, Millennia,' he garbled out, struggling to find words. 'I'm so sorry.'

He turned, and ran before she could say anything.

He felt numb all over as he jogged back to the lift, keen to get off of this floor as quickly as possible. He reached the doors and hammered the button repeatedly, impatient.

Calm down.

'Why couldn't I step back?' he asked his subconscious, frustrated.

Cos you've loved her since you were a child and now it's a whole heap more complicated cos you just found out she feels the same way.

'I haven't even spoken to Millennia for 800 years. How can I still love her?'

A childhood sweetheart is hard to get rid of.

'But you. I've got you.'

Have you?'

'What?'

You've spent so long watchin' people die like dominoes that I'm now dead to you too.

'That's not true.'

Isn't it?

'You think I wanted an exotronic?' he said, looking directly at his metal-encased arm. 'I'm doing this for you. So I can save you. I'm going to save you. I need this so I can save you.'

Split space is gonna kill you and you know it. It's impossible to save me. I'm dead. I died the day I left you and Theo to burn. If Millennia's a ghost, then I'm a ghost as well.

'That's not true,' he grated.

Then tell me why you just let her kiss you.

'A kiss is just a kiss, it doesn't mean anything - not for our species.'

Sure.

'I've got no feelings for Millennia,' he stressed, angry with her, and angry with himself.

Yeah, right. Just think about it, cos you're supposed to be a bloody genius, yeah? Everyone and everything Millennia ever knew has just gone in the blink of an eye. You just ripped it all away from her. You, on the other hand, you've lost me. Your best friend, your soulmate, and the mother of your children. You gave your hearts and soul to me. Nineteen years of your life. Yeah, it's a blip in the life of a Time Lord, but you wanted it to be forever. You and Millennia are two lonely mixed up people still with the souls of the kids you used to be, who never stopped lovin' each other for 800 years. And now you've found each other again.

He had no idea what to say to that. He couldn't admit to that being true, but it wasn't a lie either, no matter how much he tried to rage against it.

So are you gonna stay here or run away?

The lift arrived, and the doors opened. He looked briefly back at the entrance to the Celene where Millennia was lingering. Stay. He then looked back at the lift. Run.

He then decided to do what he'd been doing best since the age of eight.

He ran away.