AUTHOR'S NOTE: Apologies for a short chapter this time...I have things plotted out in my head, but putting them down in written form...I'm just not feeling it right now, and it's been difficult to sit down and write. Maybe it's the time of year? At any rate, Ponygirlrunner25, congrats for leaving the 900th review! GuestG, you should definitely give Supernatural a try, it's a great show! Last but not least, a big THANK YOU to those of you who take the time to leave me reviews and comments. It means a lot to me, and it keeps me going. XXXOOO
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"Owww, Daddy! Stooooopp!" I whined, putting my hands up to my head. "I want Uncle Sam to do it!"
"Hold still, I'm almost done," Daddy said as he brushed my hair.
"You're making it hurt!" I snapped.
"No, it hurts because you've been laying around not taking care of yourself and your hair's all knotted," Daddy retorted.
"OW!" I shrieked, and scooted forward on the sofa, away from him. I turned around and glared at him, shoving myself into the corner.
He sighed with annoyance. "Charlie, come here and let me finish."
"No!"
Uncle Sam walked into the room holding his laptop. "I've got Missouri onscreen, are you ready to talk to her?" he asked, coming over to us.
"Yeah, except that Charlie's got messy hair," Daddy grumbled.
Uncle Sam set the laptop down on the coffee table. There was a small camera attached to the top of the computer. He sat down next to me and adjusted it. There was a big window open onscreen with Missouri in it and a smaller window to the side showing Uncle Sam.
"Here she is," he said, pulling me over next to him.
"Charlie, how you doin', baby?" Missouri asked with a smile.
I felt tears come to my eyes. I missed her calm assurance and wished I was there with her.
"I'm..."
"Don't tell me okay, child, 'cause I know you're not. Your Grand-daddy and Uncle told me otherwise. You havin' problems with nightmares?"
"Yeah," I admitted, "All the things that have happened to me, and the stuff that I've seen, it all gets mixed up in my head and I dream weird things. I can't go back to sleep, I don't want to sleep."
"I understand. It can be hard to process all a' that, and hard to let it go."
"Yeah, I can't—I can't stop thinking about stuff sometimes and the feelings are still there and it's upsetting."
"Well, do you want to try and do an exercise that should help you?"
"Okay," I agreed.
"All right, sit back and get comfortable. I want you to close your eyes and imagine as I talk, all right? Take a deep breath for me now. And another...good. I want you to imagine a box, it doesn't matter what it looks like, it's just got to be strong and well-made, that you can close up and lock."
I imagined a rectangular box made of of light colored wood, with a hinged lid.
"You got that in your mind?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Now, I want you to take all the things you've seen, the memories that have upset you, and I want you to place them in the box. The things you saw when you were at my house, Miss Lettie, and Big Luke, all a' the upsetting ones too."
"How—how do I do that? I mean put the memories in the box?"
"You can imagine that each thing you saw is like a photograph, or a book. Or something else that takes your fancy. What do you see?"
I imagined making what I had seen about Miss Lettie into a photograph. I held it in my hand and then put it in the box. Then I did the same thing with Big Luke. Then with the girl from PT whose boyfriend had hit her.
"I'm making each memory into a photo and putting it in the box..." I said slowly.
"Good, I figured that would work for you. Keep going."
I imagined what I saw when I was in the panic room as a photo, but it made me feel nervous. I jerked my eyes open.
"What's that, child?" she leaned forward slightly.
"The thing I saw...when I was in the panic room, the man with the black eyes..." I swallowed, "It's still too scary."
She sighed. "That was a strong seeing, because it happened recently, and so intense. Do what you can with it, try again. Take a deep breath."
I took another breath and closed my eyes again. I forced myself to imagine each thing I had seen, and make it into a photograph. Then I put each one in the box.
"Okay, it's done," I told Missouri.
"All right, now close the box. Make sure the lid fits securely. Now you want to lock that box somehow, it can be a padlock, or chains, whatever you want. But you're the only one who can unlock and open that box."
I imagined that there was a big, thick padlock on the outside of the box, and I clicked it shut. "Okay," I said.
"Now, when you start to think about those things, if you do, remind yourself that they been put away for now, and that you aren't going to think on them. You want to take them out and deal with them later, you can. But you aren't going to spend time thinking or worrying, remind yourself that they been put away. Think you can try to do that?"
"Okay, yeah."
"You may need to do that exercise more than once, but you've got a strong mind, and I think you got it this time around. Now, there's something else I want you to do too. I want you to take a bath, a long soak in a hot bath, with some herbs in it, and right before you get out I want you to think about what you saw when you was in that panic room. And you're gonna let it out of you into the water, however you want to imagine, and when you let the water out you're gonna tell yourself that it's all gone down the drain with the water, and it's not in you anymore. Sam, I'll give you a list of herbs to use, all right?"
"All right, there's a supply here, and we've got some in the trunk too," Uncle Sam said.
"I gotta go pee," I said, standing up. I walked down the hall and went to the bathroom quickly, avoiding the mirror. Grandpa John had found another mirror and replaced the one I had broken, but I didn't look in it anymore.
I walked back out to the living room and stopped right before the end of the hallway when I heard Missouri speak.
"-child is way too thin, you said she ain't eating either?"
"Not eating or sleeping well," Daddy said.
"She's had it rough...she's learning about what's really out there, unfortunately."
"She said she doesn't want to feel it any more, she doesn't want this!" Daddy's voice was angry.
"Well, this is an adjustment period," Missouri explained.
"What do you mean?" Daddy asked.
"She's not just depressed?" Uncle Sam chimed in.
"All folk who have gifts go through this, a time when they're learning to accept it and deal with it...you don't want it, you want to be 'normal'. Most people don't go through this until they're older, but Charlie's gifts surfaced when she was young. Once she works through it, she'll be okay. You can help her by supporting her and letting her know that you love her no matter what, and you'll be there for her."
"Castiel said he could remove her abilites. What if I let him? She would be...happier."
"Dean Winchester, I cannot believe that you are even considerin' that! Taking away her abilities would- would change who she is fundamentally, it could change everything about her!" Now Missouri was the one who sounded angry.
"But- then she'd be happy, she wouldn't be hurting any more."
"How do you know she'd be happy? You don't know that at all. Why, she may have a big role to play in the future because of her abilites. She may save lives or prevent bad things from happening, you just don't know. She has those gifts for a reason and a purpose, and if you get rid of them you'll be changing her destiny! That is about you, Dean Winchester, and what you want!" Missouri snapped.
"Do you know what it's like, seeing her crying and in pain and just-overwhelmed by everything she's feeling? It's awful!" Daddy's voice was full of emotion.
"I know it is, baby, I been there myself. But listen, that's gonna be part of your life as her parent. You're gonna have to stand there and watch as she cries over failing a test or losing a friend or breaking up with a boyfriend. Pain is part of life and you can't protect her from everything."
"I know that but I don't want to give her extra pain, and this ability is more of a burden than a gift, it's too much."
"That's another thing that you're just gonna have to deal with. Your life is dealing with the supernatural, and she's in the life with you, because she's your child. The fact that she's psychic has put her more into it than a kid who has no special abilities, and that's just part of accepting it. She's gonna be in the hunting life with you, more attuned to the supernatural, more attracted to it and it to her, because of you. You want her to be more normal? Then you gotta get out of it yourself."
"I can't-I can't do that, hunting is all I know," Daddy said hesitantly.
"Then you gotta accept that she's in it with you and take steps to protect her more and help her deal with things better."
"How can we do that?" Uncle Sam asked, "I mean how do we know how much of this is her dealing with things and how much of it is—is depression? Because that's what it looks like to me. When do we intervene?"
"Is she getting worse, or better? Or is it just the same?"
"I think she's worse," Daddy said.
"No, she's kindof leveled out. She just lays around now, sleeps, doesn't want to do anything," Uncle Sam said.
"People need a lot of rest after a traumatic experience. And people with abilities who've been through an experience like Charlie went through may need a longer time to rest. She's coming to terms with what's out there as well as dealing with the physical strain it put on her. As long as she's not getting worse, give it a little more time. Call me next week and let me know how she is."
I walked back out to the living room and went over to the sofa.
"Charlie, is there anything else I can help you with?" Missouri smiled at me.
I shrugged. "Thanks for your help."
"You're welcome, sweetie. Sam, let me give you that list of herbs."
Uncle Sam leaned forward and picked up the laptop. "Let me go into the pantry and see what we've got in there," he left the room.
Daddy looked down at me. "You feel any better?" he asked.
"I dunno," I said.
"Hopefully you'll sleep better tonight," he put his hand on my back.
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"I don't wanna sleep in here, and I'm not gonna!" I said loudly.
"Charlie, it's time for you to go to bed now," Daddy said.
"I'm not sleeping in here! I wanna be with yoooou!" my voice came out as a whine.
Daddy sighed. "Charlie, what does it matter where you are? You'll be asleep."
I looked at him. He looked tired, and he had dark circles under his eyes and stubble on his chin. I hadn't really been apart from him since they had gotten me out of the Panic Room. I refused to sleep on my own and didn't like to be alone. I felt guilty for all that, seeing how worn out Daddy's face looked.
"Come on, lay down," Daddy pulled the covers down on the bed.
I stomped my foot. "NO!" I shouted.
Daddy looked annoyed. "Charlotte Anne, do not raise your voice to me."
"Daddy I don't wanna go to sleep in here, I wanna be with you. Please?" I wheedled.
He sighed again and rubbed his face. "Charlie, I need..." he sighed again, heavier, looking at me.
I knew what he was going to say, 'I need a break from you'. Tears filled my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Daddy, I just...when I'm alone, I start thinking about things, and it gets...scary," I whispered.
"Well, didn't you just do that exercise with Missouri and have that special bath with the herbs? Didn't all that make you feel better?"
Uncle Sam had drawn a bath for me and put herbs in it like Missouri had told us about. I had felt better when I got out of the tub, lighter somehow.
"Yeah, but I'm still scared...what if everything comes back?"
"Then you come and get me. But you need to try to go to sleep on your own."
"Okaaaayy," I sighed and got into bed. Uncle Sam and Grandpa John came in, and all three of them hugged and kissed me. Daddy tucked the covers around me, and they left the room.
I tried to stay in bed, but I couldn't. I didn't like to be alone any more, being alone reminded me of when I had woken up in the Panic Room, and when I had been pounding on the door, and when I had been crying and wondering where I was. Being with Daddy and Uncle Sam and Grandpa John made me feel safe.
I grabbed my Hello Kitty pillow and blanket and got off the bed, padding out the the living room.
Daddy and Uncle Sam were standing at the kitchen island with bottles of beer, and there was a bottle of brown liquid open on the counter, with two small glasses next to it.
I cringed when I saw Daddy's disappointed look when he saw me.
"Daddy I couldn't help it!" I protested.
He came over to me, taking the blanket out of my arms. "Lay down, close your eyes, not a word. Go straight to sleep."
I laid down on the sofa. Sometimes when he let me fall asleep out here I'd listen to their conversation and chime in, and I know it annoyed him when I did that.
He leaned down and covered me with the blanket, kissing the top of my head. I closed my eyes and let the sound of them talking quietly and the crackling of the fire in the stove lull me to sleep.
I woke up hearing Uncle Sam say, "You should slow down with that, Dean. You're gonna have a raging headache tomorrow."
"M'fine," Daddy said off-handedly. I heard the sound of a top being taken off of a bottle. "Y'know, with the angel offering to take away Charlie's abilities...kinda starting to wonder if maybe that wouldn't be a good thing."
"But- they're part of her, like Missouri said. It might- it might change her somehow." Uncle Sam said.
Daddy huffed a laugh, but it had no humor in it. "What, it might make her happier? More like a normal kid?"
"Dean...you know she's not going to be normal. Even if she didn't have abilities, she wouldn't be normal, she's a hunter's child, and there's no normal there."
"I don't want her to have this life Sam, I don't want her to have the kind of childhood that we had, you know? She's already starting to lose her innocence, and I hate seeing how upset she gets."
"But Charlie's a strong kid, we already know that. She'd already been through an awful lot by the time we got her. She'll get through this. Missouri said it's an adjustment period that everyone goes through," Uncle Sam said reasonably.
Daddy's voice was thoughtful, "What if, y'know, I could get Castiel to remove her abilities, and then, y'know, she could go and live with a normal family somehow...have the childhood I never had. She could go to the same school for years and not move around, she could make friends and grow up with them, she could graduate and go to college. She wouldn't have to be involved in the hunting life or have it touch her in any way."
I froze. Did Daddy mean what I thought he meant? He wanted me to leave him and live with a normal family? He wanted to give me up? I felt stunned and hurt, and tears came to my eyes. I turned my head into the pillow as the tears started to flow.