FIVE

DISOWNED

JACOB

I can't believe she left me.

She's gone.

She didn't even let us talk, she didn't even want to hear the promises Rachel warned me not to make.

She didn't even say "I love you" back.

I'm at a loss for words to properly convey the level of shock I'm in.

Leah decided to leave. No one knows where she's gone. Not Rachel or Seth or Sue. She said nothing. She just upped and left without a warning.

Over and over in my head I think, "She gave up on us." She left me so that I wouldn't leave her. I know that's what she's done, and I understand why, but it kills me that she saw this as our only option.

Her phone's been off since she told me to let her go. I've left at least a dozen messages begging her to talk to me, to just give us more time, but I have no idea if she's even gotten them.

I'm in the garage at home fixing a car for one of the neighbors when I feel a member of my pack approaching. It's Seth. I wipe my hands on a piece of cloth and wait for him to reach the door. He looks worn, haggard. I can imagine that both he and Sue are just as cut up as I am. I haven't slept a wink.

"Jake," Seth nods as he comes in. He goes to the mini fridge and serves himself a bottle of water.

"How's Sue?"

Seth throws me a withering glance and I raise my eyebrows in response. "She'd be a whole lot better if she knew what happened to her daughter."

"I don't know where she is. Her phone is off."

Seth comes to stand in front of me, looking me in the eye. He's a little shorter than I am by a few inches. "Jacob, do you know why Leah left? I heard you talking to her on the phone, it sounded like you were really upset, like more than a friend would be."

I see that he's not really asking if I'm with his sister. He's pretty much figured it out and he's blaming me for her disappearance.

But I am to blame, aren't I?

I sigh and give him an affirmative gesture with my head. "We've been seeing each other for a little while...since I came back from Spain."

Seth snorts and mutters under his breath. "And somehow you thought the best thing was to keep it a secret from us? Who else knows?"

"Embry, but only because he heard my thoughts."

"Unbelievable," Seth places his hands on his hips and shakes his head repeatedly. "I've been so busy with school and other distractions that I haven't really been around much. I had no idea she was seeing anyone, I just thought she was finally feeling better."

"She was, Seth, because she had me to talk to. And I had her."

"Do you love her?" Seth's eyes are wide and mistrustful, and I don't know how to feel about the fact that I've likely lost his respect.

"I do."

"Does Nessie know about this?"

I shake my head. "I was planning to tell her when I go for her birthday party."

Seth says nothing. I know that he and Ness are friends, and Bella and Edward. I know he is protective of them, has always been since the early days when Bella was pregnant. I respect him for that. I watch him closely as he walks around the small space and finally turns back to me. "Why would you do this to her? Why would you…she's been through enough with Sam and Emily, don't you think?" His voice has risen by the last question. He's disappointed in me, like Rachel, like Bella, like his sister.

I roll my neck and pop the tension from my spine, then my shoulders to shake off the threat the wolf registers wafting over from its subordinate. "Seth, I don't want to hurt Leah, I want to be with her. I want us to have a future together. If I had my way, she'd be right here with me, not run off to God knows where." Just thinking about her being alone and vulnerable makes me sick to my stomach. But even I know that Leah's only emotionally vulnerable, not physically. She can take care of herself whether or not any of us like it.

"But you have Nessie, Jake. I don't understand."

"Nessie and I are not in love. It's not like that for me. I thought you of all people would know that Seth."

He seems surprised. "I know that you're just friends, yes. Of course. But I thought…So you're not planning to be with her…eventually?"

"What do you mean? Like be with Leah now and move on to Nessie later?" I'm honestly a little hurt by the assumption, the same one his sister made when she got scared.

"Yeah, because the imprint, the other guys…I always thought that one day when you considered her old enough, that you'd claim her as your mate…" he continues to flounder, the topic too uncomfortable for him to broach. It is for me too, for obvious reasons.

"I know. I get it Seth. But I'm not like Quil. He's made up in his mind that that's what he wants. Waiting for things to change is the plan that works best for him. But it doesn't work for me Seth. I'm already in the position that Quil will be in, in another ten years. And I still can't see my feelings changing just because Nessie's older now. I just want your sister." And I wish everyone would believe me when I say that.

Seth thinks for a moment before nodding. "Okay, I guess I have no choice but to take your word for it – even though I think that maybe, your feelings in the future are still not something that can be predicted."

I snort because I don't expect anything but doubt from all ends. "I know what I want. And I know that the wolf doesn't have the right to control that."

"But it does, Jake. It imprinted. You can't reverse it."

I clench my jaw and release it a few times. I'm pissed but Seth is one of my closest friends. He's Leah's brother, and he's my pack mate. He's always made me feel stronger than I probably am, because of his faith in me and his "can do" attitude. His support in this means something to me so I've got to find the right words even if it gets on my nerves.

"The others want to submit to their imprints and that's fine. It's tradition. And I am happy if they are happy. But tradition stopped when it came to me, Seth. I just know that if I had been given the choice, it would not have been Bella's daughter."

Once upon a time, when I was an immature sixteen-year-old, I believed that the only girl I ever wanted to imprint on was Bella herself. And when that didn't happen, and when Quil imprinted on Claire, I realized that it had been for the best that I never did. Having your free will is more important, for the man and for the imprintee. No one deserves to be forced into anything. To have the rest of their life mapped out from point A to B with no room for exploration. I wanted the right to choose Bella and for her to choose me.

Seth stiffens and his nostrils flare. "Nessie is honestly one of the best people on this planet, Jake. She doesn't deserve to be spoken of like she's nothing."

I step back, affronted. "That's not what I mean Seth, and you need to watch it."

"You're so lucky and so ungrateful," he spits bitterly, as if the sight of me disgusts him. "I can't believe you sometimes Jake, honestly."

"Seth-" I growl, but he holds his palm up to me.

"The only thing I want you to tell me right now, is why my sister left."

I pull my shorts higher on my hips and lick my lips with a loud smack. I know that Seth knows that he's stepped his paw out of line, and that I am one breath away from kicking his ass. But his question deserves an answer. Even if I don't really have one. "I'm still trying to figure it out. I told her I was going to talk to Bella and Edward – I'd made the decision to start telling everyone about us. She was to wait for me to meet up after so we could talk about how it went. That's why I came looking for her yesterday while you were studying."

"So she left before you talked?"

"Yeah. She assumed the worst, I think. On the phone she told me to just go to Nessie without letting me say anything."

Seth grimaces. "So what did they say?" In other words, had she been right to assume the worst?

I take a deep breath and crack my knuckles before revealing what happened. "Nothing positive. They want me to be with Nessie. Edward has basically written me off. Said I have no honor and decency. Basically I'm a monster and not good enough for his daughter anyway."

I can't help the dejected tone that comes out. I can't stand him half the time, and his opinion shouldn't matter so much, but it's gotten under my skin that Edward thinks so little of me. I guess over the years we learned to respect one another in our roles as protectors of Bella and Nessie. But I had left them in Spain and ran back home to the Res. And then I flipped the script on him again by being with Leah, and it was all unacceptable in his eyes. No one could be better than his girls, and I guess he thought I'd always agree with him on that; that it would be the one thing we'd always have in common: putting the two of them first over everything.

"I guess I'm not surprised," is Seth's response. "You really thought it would be okay with them?"

"I told Bella that if she doesn't support me in this, that she and I are done for good."

Seth seems thrown, as his eyes widen, and brows converge on his forehead. ""So when are you going to tell Nessie about all of this?"

"I don't know. But I do need to call her, she's probably wondering why I've been so distant lately. With everything that happened I just haven't been sane enough to call." Or rather, I've been scared out of my wits. Leah's request for me to give in to the imprint haunts me.

Seth nods and looks around the shed once more time before slowly backing up through the door. "I guess I'll leave you to it then."

"Wait," I stop him, and Seth looks up at me with an almost offensive stance which I don't quite understand. He's agitated over Leah obviously, but he's also skittish somehow. "Look, Seth, I just want your support on this situation with Leah. If you can figure out where she's gone, please try, for my sake. I just want her back and safe."

Seth bites his lip in a way that reminds me of his sister and I almost think he will do as I say, until he frowns and shakes his head. "I want her back too, but honestly, if Leah wants to be gone, I'm not going to tell her she should come back, Jake. With all that my sister's been through, I know that she wouldn't have done this if it wasn't really necessary. So if you really love her, let her be…and if you really care about Nessie, tell her the truth about the imprint."

I growl at the overly authoritative tone he uses with me, but Seth doesn't back down. He just turns and walks back out towards the tree-line.

It's clear my earlier feeling was founded: he's lost respect for me. And the more I think on it, the more I can't deny that his lack of empathy is predictive of what I will get from the rest of the pack and Sam's as well. There isn't one person I can think of, that will be in my corner. Not even Embry, because he'd sooner be neutral than choose sides again. Maybe it's wrong to always expect him to choose me.

The only thing I'm certain of is that I don't care for the judgment of others. The Alpha wolf in me doesn't allow for humility much. None of them understand what I'm going through, this war that continues to rage between my two natures. And I refuse to continue making excuses for my feelings or decisions.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I decide to head back to the house for something to eat. The wolf does need its fuel after all, even though I'm so worried about Leah and the outcome of my decisions, that for once my appetite is mute. Billy's at the kitchen table, having already served himself a bowl of the stew that Rachel sent over with Paul earlier. She keeps us fed whenever she can manage it, and we both appreciate the effort. Dad and I know that it's her way of making up for the years of absence.

I ladle myself some of the beef and veggie stew too, in a serving dish rather than a bowl, and crumble a handful of crackers on top. There's a loaf of garlic bread as well, and I snag a couple pieces of that too.

"Any word?" my father asks, finally looking up from the newspaper, over the top of his reading specs.

I shake my head before taking my first bite. "Seth doesn't seem worried, he says to respect Leah's privacy and let her be." That's the nicer translation, at least.

Billy nods slowly. "I agree. Sounds like the right thing to do."

"You would say that, you don't like her," I mumble, annoyed already at where this conversation is headed.

Billy chuckles in a rather condescending manner, which only infuriates me more. "I like her fine, I just wish she'd made better choices to handle the things happening in her life. She's always been a source of tension in the pack and at home. Poor Harry-"

"Dad! You cannot blame her for what happened! She had no control over the phase!" my blood boils at the mere thought that my father would blame Leah for her father's death. Harry had been irresponsible with his health for years, the heart attack would have come eventually, at any time, according to the doctors. An artery in his heart had been clogged. Not even Sue would agree with Billy as she herself had tried for years to get Harry to eat healthier and to stop drinking Old Quil's moonshine.

It had taken Leah a long time to stop blaming herself for that lazy fool's death, and I'd be damned if anyone else spewed such nonsense in my presence.

"If she hadn't been so difficult, stirring up trouble, always trying to find out what Sam was up to, they wouldn't have argued, and she wouldn't have phased! She should never have phased."

And there dropped the other proverbial shoe. No wonder Leah was so fucked up: not only had she "killed" her father, but she was also a female. The Council elders – the men – had been scandalized that a female had entered the sacred, secret wolf club. It was fucking archaic the way they regarded her, and it was because of them that Sam had been so indifferent, forced to just shut off his feelings and let the Alpha in him dominate. As rightful Alpha I should do the same. They demand it of me. And that's why I know that telling my father will not go over well. But since I already started with Seth, there is no time like the present.

"First of all, she was going through the change and NONE of you saw Leah's behavior for what it truly was! You turned up your nose at her actions, but it was alright for Seth or me or Quil? And if Harry hadn't been such a drunken slob and exercised, he might not have died. HE like certain other PEOPLE, didn't LISTEN to their doctors when they were WARNED."

"You have no right-!"

"I have EVERY RIGHT because we're tired of taking the blame for your mistakes! All of you, Dad!" Almost every pack member had some fucked-up relationship with a father: Sam, Paul, Embry too.

"None of us would have turned our backs on Leah if we had known!"

"Harry should have known! He should have been sober!" He should have known a lot of things.

"Don't disrespect your elder, Jacob. I'm warning you." Of course he would stick up for his friend, because he refuses to believe that Harry was a drunk and that he had fathered Embry and never came forward and claimed him. Anyone with two eyes could see the resemblance, but none of us have ever said a word. And I certainly am not going to be the first.

I snort and throw my head back. "Here's what Dad: I LOVE HER, okay? FYI. And I say you know nothing about Leah Clearwater, if that bullshit is what you believe."

Billy stretches his neck backward to look me over with that scrutinizing gaze of his. His mouth drops and closes and he gestures to me without words. His reaction gives me satisfaction and I continue to eat, letting him ruminate on the bomb I just dropped.

"Jacob, what are you saying? You and Leah?"

I nod, relishing the strain in his voice. I give him credit for being a little calmer than I thought he would be. But then Billy slams his fist onto the table, making everything jump, and I realize that I've spoken to soon. "You can't be serious!" he literally hisses, his eyes narrow and sharp and threatening.

"Dad, come on," I try to reason, because in the end, I don't want to argue with him and I just want his blessing.

But he furiously waves his hands in my face to shut me up. "I don't want to hear it. You shame me! You are imprinted! You are duty-bound to that girl!"

His words immediately tick me off again. Now it's my turn to slam a fist down. Mine has a much greater impact, in fact it sends my father's empty bowl crashing to the floor. "I will never shirk Nessie if she needs me, I will never turn my back on her, but I will not marry her Dad, I can't look at her that way!"

"You are choosing not to look at her that way! You and I both know that you are fighting your nature to stay away from that girl! Now I know why! That she-wolf has been filling your head with nonsense! She never liked the Cullens-"

"Neither did you! Can you honestly say that you want me gone, Dad? Do you really want that kind of life for me, living in the shadows? Did you like it when I wasn't here to help out?"

"She's not a full vampire, you won't have to hide."

"Oh yeah? And what happens when people realize she's not normal? That's she too smart, too perfect – that she's not aging? Or me? Then what? I'll be running for the rest of my life. Pretending."

Billy shakes his head at me and sucks his teeth. "No imprint has ever been broken Jake, there's no precedent for such a thing. She's your mate for life, you can try all you want but you are only going to end up one place, and that's with her. There is no place for Leah Clearwater in your life. You need to accept the full bond with Renesmee so that you can finally be happy."

"There's no precedent?" I cry, incredulous. "Where's the precedent for a wolf having a half-vampire imprint? Humm? Where in your precious books, does it talk about a wolf dating the enemy?"

"Is that how you see Nessie? She is not your enemy Jacob. The Cullens have been very gracious and kind to you, to the pack."

I can't believe the words coming out of the old man's mouth. I feel like my ears are bleeding. "The Cullens ruined everyone's lives by coming back here!" I yell.

"Says who? Do you think Paul, Jared or Sam agree with that statement? They are happy with their mates."

"Oh right. Yeah of course, take their side!"

"The imprint knows what's best. It knows who your true love is."

He is so adamant about the one thing that I could never believe to be true for me. "I am not some character in a fairytale. And this is not some love story, why can't you understand that?"

"You were always an Alpha Jacob, from a boy you were headstrong… But… haven't you learned your lesson by now, what happens when you don't listen to me?" His tone is low and positively glacial, making it abundantly clear that he expects me to submit to him because he's my father and the chief.

Ha. So he went there, did he? Just when I thought this conversation could not get any worse! Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take a few breaths with my eyes closed in an effort not to lash out at my father. But I have to address him, I have to have my final say before I end this conversation for both our sakes. I look him in the eye and level my shoulders, just like a Quileute son should look upon his father.

"Every day I regret not listening to you, when you told me to stay away from Bella after she got pregnant. But I can't listen to you now either Dad. I should have then, because THIS is what happened because I didn't. THIS. And I'm fucking MISERABLE! So you were right then, but not now. I'm sorry, but you don't get to tell me to make lemonade with Nessie. I make my own rules for my life."

And I am True Alpha and technically, I am Chief.

"So be it then, Jacob," Billy answers coolly, his leathery skin taut around his thin, wide mouth.

And just as I am about to stand with my empty dish, taking his final words as the official, blessed pause to this ongoing war; my father looks over at me from his chair and shakes his head. It's the look on his haggard face, the raw tumult of disappointment and certainty flaming in his eyes, that lets me know what's happening before he even utters a word.

"But you are no longer my son."