SEVEN

LEAH

CONFESSIONS

Rebecca and Solomon's guest room is decorated in aqua and white with splashes of dark blue. There's a clear beachy theme throughout their home, with trophies and framed photos of Sol riding waves, or posters of past events. The vibe is clear: Surfing is Life. There's not much of Rebecca anywhere and I wonder why that is, but I figure it's in the sheets and the towels and all the womanly touches that are distinct from guys with their dirty socks and drawers all over the place.

It's very different to my old room back home, which is darker and filled with photos and posters; and I try not to feel like a stranger. After sleeping the first three days away, hiding my depression and homesickness under the ruse of fatigue, I venture out into the world in search of a job. I don't want to just live off of the money Rosalie gave me. Instead, it's the start of a nest egg for me to decide what comes next.

By the end of my first week, I land a job in a clothing and souvenir shop not too far from the house. The usual salesgirl had run off with a guy she met on the beach. I think it was pretty ballsy and a bit romantic, but her mother, Miss Kona, the shop owner, is beside herself with grief. To the point where she's constantly lamenting loudly about her beloved Naia.

It doesn't help matters that Miss Kona reminds me of my own mother – not in her behavior but her emotional state. The irony is not lost on me that I am one runaway daughter replacing another. My own mother grieves my absence too. But since I started calling, she's calmed down a bit. I even told her where I am, and that has served to put her mind at ease, knowing I am safe and with Rebecca. She's still baffled about where I got the money, but that's a secret for another day. I feel like I constantly have to remind her that I am in fact twenty-nine years old and capable of living away from home and making my own decisions – whether or not they are mistakes; but I know it's the lone wolf part that worries her.

What she's really miffed about however, is my dalliance with Jacob and that I had been so good at hiding it. She's disturbed that I would be so stupid as to be with an imprinted wolf. Not rubbing salt in my wounds or anything, Sue hopes I've "learned my lesson now," and can focus on getting a career.

As if. What career can I get without an education beyond my GED? I intend to focus on getting all-human first. Do I really have to spell it out that the wolf takes priority? I'm never going back to the pack, there's no doubt in my mind. The beast needs to go.

And yes, I have thoroughly learned my lesson. The result is that I am alone now, maybe more alone than I was before when Sam left me without an explanation. But I don't regret Jake - even if it was all in the shadows.

Mom had played that card, talking about how he was hiding me, and ashamed of what the pack would think of him cheating. Cheating. I corrected her of course, insisting that I was hiding him too – and it was not cheating if there was no relationship to betray, but then she laughed at me. That kind of pitying laugh. Said that I was sugar-coating it.

I am not usually a sugar-coater. I lack the gene, just like my mother apparently.

It's nothing I haven't said to Jacob before, though. Cheating is exactly what it felt like sometimes. But there were so many other times where all I felt was fulfilment, and peace and belonging just by being in his arms. I've never fooled myself about the right and wrong of our situation. What we did was wrong on some level, because Renesmee is in the dark about certain things. And yeah, we were sneaky. But regardless, I feel justified because I support what Jacob wants as my Alpha. I am firm in my stance that it's wrong for Jacob to be forced into something that he, the man, doesn't want.

Sue, Billy, the Council…they see the wolf as the man but it's not. It's a temporary part of the man, that frankly, has been given too much control, too much reverence for its meddling in our lives. Even if Jacob had gotten involved with someone else instead of me, I still would have supported his desire to choose. Just like I would have preferred Sam choosing to stay with me, his fiancé, rather than leaving me for my cousin whom he didn't even know that well from before.

Ultimately, love is love. An imprint shouldn't mean automatic romantic love between two adults, and that's all that Jacob and I wanted to prove. It's just the principle of the matter, and imprinting violates that with its blatant disregard of the man's personal desires. It, at its core, is destructive. It burns everyone down and rebuilds on their ashes, a perfect little world centered around one woman. How fucked up is that? And the sad thing is that I remember how I used to long for it, for the release from Sam. I'm so glad it never happened. And I hope it never does.

The elders don't know how it feels to have your entire life side-tracked because of a supernatural creature. Since I phased, I've been on one roller-coaster ride after another. Losing Sam, losing Sam to Emily, suffering from depression and violent outbursts, phasing and killing my father, finding out the truth about my anger issues, about Sam and then having to submit to him and Emily as the heads of the pack, not fitting in with the pack, being blamed by the Council for Dad's death, leaving the pack to follow Seth and Jacob, losing Jacob to the imprint, getting him back, making peace with everything that came before that, then, my favorite of the bunch…choosing to leave.

Fuck, how am I still living and breathing and carrying on?

I'd say because I cry in the shower. And, over the last few months I've learned how to pretend and hide, even from myself. I've used Jake as a shield.

In an attempt to stifle the pain and the desire to shift as a stress-reliever, I keep busy. I spend my days at the beach when I'm not working or helping around the house, or hanging out with Becca, Solomon and their friends who come over almost every day for a drink, smoke and a chat. The community vibe is close here, like back home, but they don't squabble over everything like the boys do. The vibe with Becca is more mature even if laid back, and I find myself really relieved to feel like an adult in a calm, supernatural free environment.

On the whole Haleiwa is totally different to Washington, it lacks the gloom because even the poverty and imperfections here are beautiful. It's not broken and aimless like the Reservation can sometimes feel. This place is the opposite of bleak. The sun is actually hot and serving a purpose, and no clouds linger over the water to ruin a perfect day for swimming. The sea is calm and shimmering, not choppy and foreboding. There's no graveyard of trees only rows upon rows of flowers. I've fallen in love again but this time with Paradise.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rebecca joins me on the back step that leads to their small yard. I've just done a load of laundry and for some reason it has me emotional. The clothes are on the line where they will dry in the cool breeze, and I've been sitting here lost in my thoughts, thinking about everything that has happened, and, missing Jake. I still haven't listened to his voicemails. Too scared to hear his voice, too tired of holding on to his promises when I know better. The jig is up. I just can't fool myself any longer, no matter how much I want to hear how much he wants us to be together. Not matter how much I want to believe that it could happen.

"Hey, whatchyou thinking so hard about?"

I know it's her subtle way of asking me to put her out of her misery. I know she really wants to know why I'm suddenly here.

"I just needed to get out of there, or I would have died." My confession makes my throat burn with tears that I refuse to shed. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's that I just don't have the strength it takes to be so vulnerable right now. I long to find enough peace that I can remember the good days with Jake, and not fall apart.

Rebecca wraps an arm around me and sighs, putting our heads together. She's smells like sea salt and rose water - she believes it's the secret to perfect skin. "I know the feeling, believe me. And I understand that whatever it is that made you leave, it's not just that either. It's never one thing is it? It's a whole bunch of little things that just add up one after the other…And the weight of them all on your back is so heavy that if you don't run, you'll break, and there would be no fixing."

I glance at her from the corner of my eye. What she says is right on the nose, and I can't help but wonder what her back-breaking, little things are. Parental death was definitely one that we had in common.

"I feel like if I tell you even one thing, I'll completely fall apart," I confess again, and it makes my body feel heavy, weary, and I lean on Becca a little more. She rubs a circle on my back then grips my arm again.

"When you get out, talking about it is the last thing you want to do. It took me months just to tell Solomon one thing about my past. When we met it was purely physical, we didn't really know each other before I just upped and left La Push."

A smile briefly tugs on my lips in appreciation. And it makes me want to try. "My world just fell apart. Literally. Sam, Dad…" Jacob… "I lost everyone I loved. I lost myself."

I lost myself to a beast that uses my body to kill vampires.

"Well, I've lost something I never had…I can't have children," Rebecca whispers, just as my bed sheets billow and snap in the wind. I pull back and watch her face, which is pointedly looking away from me in a poor attempt to hide her inundating eyes. I gently grip her chin with my fingers, and turn her head so that we can see each other. I know how hard it is to say, to admit your biggest failure and heartbreak. And I think she is brave.

"Neither can I," I spill, and watch as her gaze turns from astonishment to curiosity and settles on sadness.

She takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. "God, we're pathetic."

She meets my concerned eyes again and then smiles. Then she giggles, and then we both burst out laughing.

"Oh man!" Rebecca cries, wiping her eyes. "I can't believe this. So we both ran away, and we're both barren? We could start our own reality show."

"You have no idea," I smirk. And she really doesn't.

"Sometimes, Sol feels like my kid, and I've got my hands full at the school…and my other shifts at the hospital and clinic. But then I watch the little ones come for their first day of school, and I see their mothers and dads cry to let them go, and I want that so badly…"

I sigh, and think of how often I watched Rachel breastfeed with envy. Sometimes I'd imagine Lotus is mine and I'd rock her and get lost in that feeling of nurturing another life. It's the best feeling in the world. "You should adopt," I tell her, with a nudge. "There is a little Samoan girl or boy somewhere who needs a lovely home like this."

Rebecca smiles, but it's with reservation. And I understand why. And after a moment, it occurs to me then that we both probably feel the same way about Rachel and her beautiful baby girl. Maybe that's why visiting the Res is still so hard for Becc.

"Let's get dinner started before Solomon gets moody with boredom and a severe case of munchies." She hops up from the step and dusts off the back of her floral maxi dress.

One thing I've noticed about that guy: he's really attached to his bong.

"How about homemade pizzas?" I recommend. Suddenly I've got a hankering for hot tomato sauce and thin crust and basil. Yum. Food becomes the only thing on my mind, and my belly rumbles loudly between us.

"Having a craving are we?" Becca kids, poking me in the midsection. "If you hadn't just told me you're barren, I'd really start to believe you were pregnant. I swear Leah, the amount that you eat, it's just not normal. Just like that high temperature of yours."

I forcibly laugh off her suspicions as I do every time she mentions my weirdness.

That word barren rubs me the wrong way though, because I believe that one day, when the wolf is gone, I'll get my periods again. But how do I explain to her that my incapacitation, I hope, is only temporary? It only reinforces how little I can really share with her, because it is all supernatural. Even my issue with Jake, and why we can't be together is wrapped up in the wolves. Still, I know I should tell Rebecca that it was her brother that was the final push for me to run. It's just that finding the right words seems impossible when just thinking about him rips me apart.

Solomon gets excited when he hears that pizza is on the menu for tonight. Rebecca prepares the dough to rest while I get to chopping all the fresh vegetables and seasonings. Sol volunteers to slice the garlic, but only if he gets to use a razor like in the movie Goodfellas. I'm amused by how he's always itching to try something new and fun and a little bit risky. He's got tons of stories about his adventures in the ocean, mountain climbing, camping, fishing, backpacking. You name it, Solomon's done it. He even loves to garden, as does Rebecca. They've got this really neat kitchen garden with herbs, tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, summer squash, watermelons and salad greens of all kinds.

Not only have I taken up Solomon's chores helping Becca outside – since I'm naturally stronger than she is; I've found myself gravitating to their freshly prepared meals that are not laden with meat as was my usual custom. (Although while I'm at work I do buy burgers and fries and milkshakes because, well, I just gotta have em.) There's something about the earth to table experience that is both humbling and vitalizing to the body. My body feels different, alive in a new way. The wolf has been pretty quiet these last week too, as if she's finally resting, not worrying about vampires now that we don't have to patrol. It's been a relief.

"What's the craziest, wildest thing you've ever done on the Rez, Leah?" Solomon asks, after he begins to work the razor on the pungent flesh of the first clove, replacing the scent of his last toking session in the air. Rebecca has him set up on the couch with a cutting board over a tray. His bum leg is up on the coffee table next to his blue glass bong. I love how she indulges him, getting a kick out of watching him "Live Life" as he calls it (as is his personal motto, even painted on the wall by his own hand).

"Uh…cliff-diving I guess," is my answer, simply because I can't say "Dismember a leech."

"Seriously? That's crazy man. I've done it a few times in Jamaica."

"It's the best rush, that first time you break the water, and then all over again when you come back up."

Solomon laughs and nods excitedly. "Exactly! Right on!"

"I've never gone cliff-diving! It's so scary with those rocks below and that water is like ice! I can't believe you've done that, Leah!" Rebecca says disapprovingly.

"Just go when the tide isn't too rough and the weather is clear," I bestow the trade secret that every kid in La Push knows. Boys of ten and twelve cliff-dive more than the wolves in summer. Most times we go up there to monitor them rather than have our own fun. "The boys and I jump from the tallest cliff now." I realize my slip-up as soon as I say it.

Rebecca, as if on cue, looks over from her spot at the sink where she's washing dishes she is finished with. "Boys? Like who?"

Shit. I shrug. "You know, Seth and his friends."

"Do you and Jake hang out too?"

Her question is not unusual, but it's so invasive that I stiffen. "Uh, yeah."

"Sounds like our brothers have been bad influences on you Lee!"

And I quietly exhale in relief.

"You just gotta have faith babe," Sol adds. "You just gotta focus on the positive energy in the experience, never think that something can go wrong, it ruins the vibe."

"Totally," I add, smirking at her across the kitchen island. Her husband loves to say that for everything. Knowingly, she giggles and flips the kitchen cloth at me in mock warning.

Moments like this, I wish Jake was here to see what life after pack could be like.

If I could have one wish, if I could go back, it would be so that I could have this, with him.

AN: Thank you for your reviews! It is terrible what's happening. I dunno, my characters just seem to want to gang up on Alpha Jake and Leah in this one. And yes we have plenty more angst to follow but no worries it will all be fixed. Thank you for staying with me on this ride. I'm battling a bit of writer's block to continue the rest but I decided to post today because it's time you all hear from Leah. Next up, Rachel Billy and Jacob have a family meeting.