NINE
GUT FEELING
LEAH
There's this feeling I get sometimes. Maybe it's a bad dream that still lingers when I wake up, maybe it's a wolf sense…I don't know. But all day it's been following me around like a dark cloud, like some ominous shadow.
Something just feels wrong.
But we're fine. Rebecca is working at the health clinic while school is out for summer. Solomon's at the doctor getting his check-up which we all hope will lead to him coming back able to walk (cause he really is a needy guy and waiting on him hand and foot gets annoying). And I'm good too. Aside from some tenderness in my chest area from all the swimming, I'm doing okay.
Work is busy so I don't have time to dwell on La Push and the people I've left behind. Today there's a little street fair happening on our block. There're tourists and plenty locals milling around, shopping, eating, watching the hula dancers and men breathing fire and walking on high stilts. The place is festive and full of laughter, reminding me of the summer festivals in La Push. It would have been nice to walk hand in hand with Jacob and check out the stalls this year, to buy fry bread and feed it to each other while sitting at a bonfire roasting s'mores. But maybe he'd do that with Nessie instead. Those are her memories to make with him, not mine.
Today home and Jake have been on my mind constantly, even as I serve customers and keep the shop clean for Miss Kona. I wonder how things went with Bella and Edward. And has he contacted Nessie yet? How did he feel when he found out that she wants him? It was his greatest fear that she develop a romantic interest in him. Although the wolf bond will do most of the work for him, I can't help but sympathize with the man who's terrified. The man I love, though I've never said it out loud to him or anyone.
Rosalie was right to warn me that things for Renesmee had changed. It's extremely selfish, because a good friend and Beta would have been there for him. Regardless of what happened between us, as his confidante, I should be there. I don't regret putting myself first and running away, because the self-preserving part of me is so glad that I didn't have to stick around and watch him go back to her, to them. Still, I can't help but wonder if it would really have hurt me any worse than what I did to him instead. Jury's still out on that one. But I can only hope that this time he finds happiness. Maybe one day we'll forgive each other for our broken hearts.
After work, old Mr. Keahi who sells fresh fruits from the back of his truck, and who has taken to giving me free offerings every morning when I get to work, gives me a ride to the beach across from Rebecca's neighborhood. I decide to buy a grilled fish wrap from the food truck and sit on the sand to watch the water and the young people and kiddies at play.
Two really cute guys are bobbing on their boards in the water, and one of them waves at me in the traditional Hawaiian sign. I repeat it back to him with a smile of my own. People here are very friendly and once you make eye contact, it's polite to say hello. The kids to my left come running my way to get their ball, kicking up sand around where I'm sitting. The old Leah would have bitten their heads off, but I only giggle and wave them off, dusting the sand from my jeans. If Jake was here, he'd wonder if I was feeling sick or something.
Jake. Just the thought of his name, his face, makes my body tense.
There's something wrong.
Once again, the feeling nags me. But this time my wolf stirs. It's been so long since I've phased that it almost freaks me out to feel her so close. I force myself to swallow the food in my mouth, for suddenly, I feel ill.
What is it girl? I ask the beast inside of me. I can't smell any leeches. Does she sense one nearby?
Alpha. Is the word that comes to me then and I know that somehow, even thousands of miles away, she feels that something is wrong with him.
I unzip the beige crochet hobo bag that Rebecca gifted me from her overstocked closet and dig for my phone. Even though I don't keep it on I always have it charged up for when I feel able to talk to Mom. I power it up and dial Seth's number. It rings three times until he picks up, and it's only when he answers that I take a breath.
"Leah, hey!" he answers in his usual chirpy manner. We haven't really spoken since I left, and I really should be checking in more often to make sure he's on track for graduation. But still, right now is not the time. Niceties are the last thing on my mind.
"Seth, is he okay?" I blurt out.
"Who, Jake?"
"Yeah."
He's deathly silent for a beat and then has to nerve to ask, "Why do you want to know? I thought you were done with him?"
A low growl escapes me. "Answer the question," I command, feeling my wolf's Beta strength pulsing through my veins. Usually I'd be fighting the phase by now, but instead the wolf remains in check. It's a small mercy on a public beach, really.
"No Lee. He's a fucking mess, moping around and skipping work. And if this is you trying to be his Beta now, you're a day late and a dollar short."
"Seth, look, I know it was shitty to leave because I'm Beta of the pack, but it's also the Beta in me that's concerned. All day I've just had this sense of pending doom that I can't shake. I need to know so that the wolf will go back to sleep."
"So it's been working alright? Not phasing at all?" he asks, getting side-tracked out of curiosity.
I simper for a moment and nod my head before telling him that it is, surprisingly so. "No vampires or patrol helps a lot...and I get more sleep and I eat better meals now, not so much meat. I swim and jog every day too."
"So like starving her usual activities…makes a lot of sense. I'm happy that it's working out for you Leah. You deserve some time for yourself."
"Thanks Sethy."
"But calling me to ask about Jacob Black won't help. He's made his shithole, let him bury himself in it."
"Seth!" I am shocked that my brother could be so callous. He is always the one to see the good in people.
"Don't you even try to defend him Leah. He thinks he can just pick and choose whatever he wants when it suits him. The pack is a mess now, Quil and Embry and Sam and the others all hate him."
"Hate is such a strong word, Seth. That's unfair to him."
"Why are you defending him? Nessie is not a toy, neither are you. He can't play with you, break you, then throw you in a closet."
Wow. That's…this is a mouthful coming from my brother. And I feel the need to set him straight.
"Jacob was never trying to play with anyone. He's unnaturally honest, Seth. You know that. He's an open book. And everything he does, it's with his whole heart. He was wonderful to me, he helped me through the darkest time in my life. And when the physical entered, I wanted it just as much. And I never let him think that it was okay to promise me a future. I always reminded him that what we had could not match up to what he would have with her."
"You really think that though?"
Seth's question surprises me. "What do you mean?"
"Do you really think that you and him couldn't have something greater than him and Nessie?"
"Well…" Why the fuck would he ask me this? Aren't Sam and Emily enough proof? "Seth, I really wish you wouldn't go there."
"I'm sorry sis. I just…Sometimes I'm just so confused."
"About what?"
"Imprinting…"
"Ha. Join the club baby bro. Why do you think Jacob and I are acting crazy? We're trying to make sense of this mess too."
"But do you really think he loves you as much as he says he does?"
My heart literally skips a beat, flutters, at his words. "He told you he loves me?"
"Yeah. And he claims that he has already seen Nessie from a child to a woman and never once has his feelings for her drifted to romantic. He's sticking to his story about the imprint being different."
"And you don't believe him?" I ask, because somehow, this whole thing has got Seth really bothered and I'm not sure if it has to do with me or something else.
"Do you?"
I groan, hating when he flips the tables on me. "I do, I did. I believe he really means it because Nessie is Bella's child, and the whole idea of being with her freaks him out. Like she's a stand-in for the woman he couldn't have. Jake doesn't feel good about that at all. It's the thing that makes him hate imprinting: it should have been anyone but her. Her being a hybrid is also an issue. The wolf fathers her, but it doesn't see a mate. But in spite of that I also think that she is the one with all the power, and that if her feelings change, then so will the wolf's."
"So really, you think it's up to her to change things."
"Yes, it is Seth, it always has been. When she finds out that she's his mate, then Jacob will really have to prove how strong he is to resist the pull when she starts tugging on those strings."
"So if she knows and she doesn't feel that way about him, then, the imprint will be void, won't it?"
"Maybe Seth, maybe."
"Would you come back to him?"
I scoff and rub the sweat and grease from my forehead with my free hand. "I don't know what I'd do." I know that I'd want to be with him, but maybe I'd be too scared to actually try again. I'm not sure if we could ever go back.
"Shit…" Seth mumbles on the line. "This whole thing is one big mess. But I think I get why he and Billy are at each other's throats now."
"Wait, what? What happened?" Had I NOT just asked him if anything was wrong with Jacob? "You could have told me this earlier, Seth."
"I think you should stay out of it, that's why I didn't say anything."
"Seth, I swear to God. Tell me everything."
"You're not here to enforce that threat. I can hang up," my brother teases.
"Ha. Keep talking, I might just Beta order you to do something you don't want to. Like bake Alpha Black a pie."
"Okay okay, fine!"
I smile at how quickly my brother caves at the threat. My Beta game is pretty tight. It's always gotten on Jared's nerves that my rank as Beta is stronger than his. He can barely order Colin and Brad to keep quiet. I guess if he slept with his Alpha they might increase. He's already so far up Samuel's ass it wouldn't be a far stretch.
"Jacob apparently refused to accept the imprint and make a claim on Nessie, to Billy's face. He told Billy that he chooses you and let's just say that Chief wasn't having it."
There's a warmth that blooms in the pit of my stomach and spreads to my heart where is pulses like an open wound. Jacob had done what? He'd told his father about us for real? "What did Bella and Edward say?" I ask, thirsty for knowledge.
"They weren't too happy about it either. They want him to tell her everything."
"So he still hasn't told her about the imprint?" I am shocked and yet a little happy that Jacob is still trying to resist. I'm also well aware of how bad that sounds since I left him to deal with this all on his own.
"No, but everyone wants him to. The elders are pissed and Billy disowned him. I think he is hoping that will make Jacob comply."
"The Council were never going to go for it…even I know that…" I shake my head, feeling a weight of sadness descend on my shoulders. He must be so disappointed in us all.
The elders hate me, I've always been aware that men like Billy Black blame me for my father's death. I see it in his eyes every time he's around; the resentment in a cutting glance, the accusation in a squint. He has always been one of the reasons why I had to constantly keep Jacob in check where we were concerned.
"Oh God," I mumble, feeling at the lowest of the low.
"This is why it's better you don't know. You need to focus on you, not what shit Jacob has gotten himself into. But it's pretty bad, Lee. Chief kicked Jake out of the house and Sam has basically X'ed his name out in the packs and Council."
I just can't seem to comprehend what's really happening. Suddenly I need to move, I need a swim to burn off the wolf energy and clear my head. "Seth, I've got to go."
"Are you okay, though?"
"Yeah, I am, I just…you know." Fucked up with everything that you've told me.
"Yeah, take care sis."
"You too."
I practically run all the way to the house and when I burst inside, Solomon is busy organizing something on the table and I can hear Rebecca in the bedroom taking a shower.
"Hey Leah!" Sol waves, his black hair flopping into his dark eyes. He's wearing his usual costume of a t-shirt and boardshorts and slippers. His foot is better now though he's still not allowed to surf yet, but he's much happier to be back working the surf shop with his friend Palo.
"Hey Sol!" I squeak but I don't stop for the conversation he wants to rope me into. I keep the quick pace to my room and slam the door. I rifle through my swim wear and pull out a simple black bikini which I tie on. My boobs are barely fitting into the damn top, and I wrestle with the triangles of fabric until they cover my breasts properly. I swear Rebecca's detergent or machine is shrinking my clothes. All of my new tops are too small, even my bras.
I grab a beach towel from the hall closet and shout "Bye!" to Solomon as I head back out, not stopping to even speak to Rebecca. I don't even know if to broach the topic with her. Does she know what happened, or why? I am not sure if Rachel or any of the Blacks have ever even explained Renesmee's existence to her before. When Jacob left to tour the world with the Cullens, Rebecca had been told he was off on a scholarship.
When I reach the sand, I drop my towel on top of my flip flops and jog down to the water. I am aware of the eyes of men on me, I can hear their murmurs of approval follow me into the water, and when I dive below the cool surface, I am thankful to be free of them. I can stay underwater and see perfectly for a longer period than a human, and it helps me make a fast getaway from curious observations.
It's only my rumbling stomach and the fast procession of sunset that pull me back out of the water. Swimming in the ocean here makes me wish I'd been a mermaid instead of a wolf. Now that would have been cool. I was obsessed with Ariel growing up. Gotta love that red crab.
Spitting the saltiness from my mouth, I am craving something sweet, a pint of chunky chocolate to drown my sorrows in sounds perfect. As I come up the sandy incline from the shore, I am shocked to see Rebecca sitting next to my towel, waiting. By the look on her face I know that she's upset.
"What's happened?" I ask, accepting my towel from her hands.
"Rachel and I just had a video chat….she said that Dad and Jake have been fighting."
"Oh, yeah, Seth literally just told me the same thing," I say cautiously, because I still have no clue just how much she knows about why they've been fighting.
Rebecca nods and wipes a tear. "I just hate this. Jacob's always been stubborn, but running away? First you, now him? I just don't understand what's going on?"
"Jacob's run away?" I confirm, because that's the only part I have heard.
"Yeah! Rachel said no one can find him. He's out of range or something weird. I don't quite understand myself, I guess she means his phone. Rachel wasn't too forthcoming on the details."
Out of range? My brain goes into overdrive as I think about that feeling I've been getting all day. Had my wolf sensed the moment he ran off before Seth or the pack was even aware? And if she had, it could only mean one thing:
Jacob has gone wolf again.
And there's no telling where he'd end up or if he'd ever come back.
AN: Thank you again for the reviews. You guys are definitely on the right track with your thinking! But all will be sorted eventually and you will get your questions and suspicions answered! Up next we hear from Jacob again. You'll be happy to know I have been able to write more, got about two chapters down yesterday. And your reviews really helped me get it done. but I have a bunch of changes to make to others and I'm still trying to figure out how to carve Nessie's character. I'm around chapter 28 so we still have a ways to go! Thank you so much for reading! Stay safe!