"Stay over at my place for New Years."

The noise of a thousand voices fills up the Smash City SkyTrain Station, but I blink, caught off-guard by Ness's sudden request. His hands tighten on my own, as if afraid that I'll ignore his request and leave. Unable to meet his eyes, I avert my attention to the broken-down tram tunnel on my right. Permanently stuck in construction, the broken-down tunnel looks the same as always, crooked wooden beams nailed clumsily over its entrance, rubble and pebbles cluttered around the Keep Out sign resting at its base.

Over the years of living in Smash City, I have never once seen anyone use this rail. No SkyTrain has ever passed through this tunnel. The broken-down tunnel has never been fixed.

No one knows where it leads.

"My mom wants you over at the condo," Ness adds breathlessly, glancing up at my face. "Use the time to make a new game plan. Porky's probably going to leave us alone for a while since you paid off the one grand-"

"-only because Venus gave us free tickets for the New Years concert."

"My mom already made plans to watch the fireworks here, so we couldn't have made Venus's concert. Besides, Venus was a real bae for letting us sell her front-seat tickets. I mean, who knew they'd sell for $500 a piece?"

Glancing around at the crowd, I quietly lower my voice. "Ness, I'll have to see my dad at some point this break."

"I know, but have you figured out what to tell him?" Ness stubbornly presses, and slowly, reluctantly, I close my mouth. "I thought so. There's no point for you go now. You never told him when exactly you were returning home, did you? And Porky... He's got a lot of dirt on his name. If we act smart, there's a really good chance we can get him arrested for shady shit. See, even Master Hand's on our side, though he's pissed that I punched Porky in the face. That's got to count for something, right?" Ness squeezes my hand so tightly that it cuts off my circulation. "My mom's expecting you. Don't you dare do something stupid."

I swallow down his words, because it seems wrong to leave my dad slaving away at home alone at the expense of me having fun a dimension away. Moreover, I know that he's going to be busy preparing traditional funeral rites for my mom.

A lump forms in my throat. My mom's death on New Years Eve... that's the day after tomorrow. I want to pay my respects at the Buddhist temple, light the scented candles and bring fresh flowers to her smiling portrait, but this is something else I don't want to bring up, because I can't get Ness involved with more of my tragedy in his life. Not after he's spent Christmas consoling me over the loss of my brother.

"Ness, you can't expect to get rid of all my problems-" I try instead.

"I don't," Ness says bluntly. "I know that you can take of yourself, but it's easier for you to think if there's a lot less on your plate. Refund your tickets. Take a break."

I waver. After everything we've been through, I guess I do owe him this happiness, as tiny as it is.

So when Tracy loudly complains about how big brother is such a slow snail, hurry up, doofus, mom's outside with the car, I let Ness drag me out of the SkyTrain Station.

Behind us, the forgotten tunnel whispers with a cold draft of wind.

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~Chapter Twenty-Four~

Dishonor on Your Whole Family

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The rented condo is a classic 2-Bedroom, 2-Bathroom. Polished wooden floor space separates the two sides with a nice view of the city in the living room, which opens up to a mosaic marble kitchen.

"Make yourself at home," Ness's mom cries, struggling with her many grocery bags, and I hurry over to help her. "We tried to choose an okay place with a discount - oh, thank you, Lucas, can you set the orange juice on the counter? - and I'm glad that we managed to nab this condo. It's got a beautiful view."

"Mom, why the hell did you buy so much fried rice-"

"Language, Nessie," His mom snaps, and Ness groans, staggering under the weight of Chinese take-out. "The Asian cuisine in this area is second to none... and you want to eat more burgers? Ai, no wonder you are fat."

"Mom," Ness whines.

"Don't you mom me. Now help Lucas set the table. Ai, ai, ai, making your boyfriend do all the work! Dishonor on your family name. Now hurry if you want to eat dinner, everyone's hungry-" Turning around, Ness's mom hollers for Tracy to get off the couch and stop lazing around on her phone, and a grumpy Ness trudges over to my side.

"I didn't know your mom liked Chinese food," I note.

"My mom's been into Southeast Asian culture ever since she took a trip with my Aunt to Taiwan," Ness mutters darkly, opening up the styrofoam to-go boxes. A mouthwatering scent of hot-sour-sweet spices warms up the air. "Singapore, Vietnam, China... you name it, she's been there. I swear, she's turned tiger-mom ever since she left South Korea."

"Does she know that I'm half-Japanese?"

"Thank god, NO," Ness says, horrified. "Heaven forbid she finds out."

I try to keep my best stern straight-faced expression. "Dishonor on you."

"Dishonor on your whole family."

"Dishonor on your cow," I finish the quote, and Ness bursts out laughing. Unfortunately, this also attracts attention from Ness's mom, who after berating Ness for being boisterous, starts pelting me with questions about Japanese lifestyle and history.

"I'm sorry, I don't know," I fluster after yet another question about the Samurai honor code. "My parents are Buddhist though, and I think a good fraction of the Japanese still are."

"That's wonderful," Ness's mom gushes eagerly. "The mountains there were amazing to hike. Many of the cities were surrounded by a backdrop of natural flora. Do you know the name of your mother's hometown?"

"I-I'm not sure." A name suddenly clicks into place. "Tazmily Village. I think."

"It sounds beautiful. Makes me miss Japan already. I wonder where your village-"

"Mom," Ness hisses under his breath, and snapping out of it, his mom flushes in realization.

"Oh no, how insensitive of me-"

"It's all right, I wish I remembered more about my mom's heritage so I could tell you," I say softly, because it's true, I really wish I did, and I knew that Ness's mom had only meant good-will. Still flustering from embarrassment, Ness's mom clumsily pats me in the back and turns around.

"Shall we get to dinner?" Ness's mom says hastily, her cheeks dotted pink, and gratefully taking her suggestion, we jump into the four empty seats around the dining table.

Speaking to Ness's mom has only brought up more questions about my upbringing. When did my dad leave Tazmily Village for Onett? I must have been too young to have remembered the trip. It had only just happened after Claus running away from home, after all.

Then I think of the Mother 3 cartridge stuffed underneath my pillow miles away in my dorm, and the thought of that cartridge weighs heavier on my mind. It's the only relic I have of my home, it's the only relic that can explain the strange gaps in my memory, but do I really want to remember? What if the memories are bad? Worse, what if the memories are precious? What if I can't let go of the past, and end up neglecting the present?

There's no point in restarting my adventure from chapter one. I've already been spoiled by the end of the game. Maybe it's best not to re-open old wounds, lest they fester into fresh scars. There's nothing wrong about wanting to forget about my past... was there?

I lost my mother.

And I couldn't save my brother in the end.

But sitting in a table for four, with Ness's mom bickering and fussing over her two children, my chest tightens because it's almost like I'm a part of a normal family again. I'm still an impostor by blood, but I've never felt more at home. So I let myself pretend. Dad would take the chair close to the door because of his workaholic tendencies. My mom would settle down next to him, easing him to relax and leave shearing the sheep for another day, because Flint, you've been out all day, slow down and spend some time with your sons, and Claus would sit on my left by my dad's other side because Claus would want a head-start to the Dragos in case I'd try to out-race him, though he'd never admit it.

...I miss my family.

"Mom, you dumped over half the entire carton," Ness says indignantly, and I watch, amused, as his mom continues piling more food onto his plate. "I can't believe it, you just said I was fat like two seconds ago-"

"Eat up, eat up. You need the energy," Ness's mom says impatiently, now drowning Ness's plate in Kung Pao chicken and Ma Po tofu. Amidst Ness's wails of complaint (Mom, I mean it, I can't eat all of this!) she glances at my still-empty plate and scowls. "Lucas, you are as skinny as a rake," she says, reaching over to grab my plate. "Ness told me that you like sweet food. You're not vegan, are you? Would you like some Peking Roasted Duck?"

"Oh, sure," I say startled, and she dumps another glistening ladle of sweet-and-sour pork on a bed of fried rice.

I think I can finally relate to Ness's complaints. His mother is an adversary on a whole another tier.

Still, I'm grateful that she's done so much to make this trip enjoyable, so I do my best to chow through the mountain of delicious food on my plate. I try to chew slowly, listening to the conversation overhead and taking in one mouthful at a time, but the minutes pass by and I've barely made a dent. It's an impossible feat. There's just too much food on this plate for the average human to consume.

Ness, on the other hand, is an eating machine. Despite all his previous complaints, he's cleared his plate and is already reaching for seconds. He bites into the end of a crunchy spring roll, and I snort when I notice a grain of rice stuck on the tip of his nose.

Hearing my snort, Ness scrunches his face into a defensive frown. "What are you laughing at?"

"You have rice on your face," I smirk, reaching over to pick it off. When Ness looks up in surprise, I smear it across his forehead with my thumb. "Haha, ew gross."

Ness smacks my hand away, then furiously rubs the rice off with a napkin. "Oh, like you're the Duke of Table Manners," he retorts, and I follow his pointed look to the messy trail of rice grains scattered around my own plate.

I open my mouth to respond, but stop when I catch a wide-eyed Ness's mom and sister watching us like we're performing a rom-com.

"You two are so sweet that I'm losing my teeth. Seriously, go kiss and make out already," Tracy snarks, poking at her Peking duck, and Ness chokes on his food.

"I-It's not what it looks like," Ness manages to stammer, waving his hands so violently that he almost spears my cheek with his chopsticks. "Lucas is just making fun of me-"

"I'm glad that our son met someone so caring," Ness's mom says earnestly and when she turns to me, her eyes shining with adoration, I give her a sheepish smile in return.

Releasing a long-suffering groan, Ness bangs his head against the dining table. Straightening my back and trying to look the caring part, I smirk wider in delight at Ness's expense.

"UGH. Lucas, caring? Mom, why can't you see he's such a smartass-"

"Language, Nessie. Don't swear in front of your boyfriend-"

"Lucas swears too!"

"Lucas is a polite boy. He never swears."

"Damn it, Lucas! Wipe that stupid smirk off your face, or I'll wipe it off for you-"

"Ness, language!"

"Oh my god, now they're FLIRTING. I think I'm going to barf-"

"MOM, LUCAS IS STILL SMIRKING AT ME. TELL HIM TO STOP."

"Smirking? Who, me? Why I'd never."

"Ai, young love."

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~oO0Oo~

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A loud crow of glee tears through my brand new wireless headphones. Even without glancing up from my laptop, I can tell that Ness is hopping around like an energetic jellybean. It's the second time this evening that he's stood in front of the bathroom mirror to admire his running shoes.

Streaked light gray across a black net, the pair of Gel-20 Hermes Wings aren't really anything spectacular, but from how Ness is acting like a dog thrown its favorite chewtoy, I'm glad that he likes them. Especially since I ruined his Christmas. I'd even tried my hand at stitching, weaving in a flaming baseball design behind each Asics heel in an agonizing pace and pricking my fingers with the needle too many times to count, but if Ness's excited exclamation is anything to go by, I think I'm satisfied with the outcome.

The smol bean bounces over. "Whatchu reading?" smol bean says, nudging his face under my arms to peer at my laptop screen. "Fifty Shades of Gray?"

"I think I have better things to do with my life than trying to understand rape-fantasy kinks of middle-aged women," I say wryly, untangling his hair from my headphones, because somehow, Ness has managed to snag some strands against it - proven by his pointed wail of pain.

To lighten our baggage, we left the rest of our presents unwrapped at the Mansion, but I couldn't have been happier with Ness's gift. The blue headphones easily beat the old wreck I lost to the Sharks a while back. The mufflers even act like a decent noise-canceler, keeping my ears nice and warm.

So when Ness rests his head into my lap, I make my appreciation known, absentmindedly running my fingers through his hair, and Ness closes his eyes with a satisfied sigh. There's something cathartic about his constant attention-seeking. He's like a dog. A loud, friendly, fluffy dog.

Like a Pomeranian.

I snort, and catching my thought, Ness puffs up his cheeks. "You're barking up the wrong tree. I'm not a Pomeranian," he says indignantly.

"Course not, you'd be doggone insane," I reassure him without blinking an eye, and Ness drifts back into pleased content when I continue playing with his hair.

That's the other thing. Ness has been able to hear more of my stray thoughts lately, the same way I could sense more of his mood shifts. It's a small step forward at best, just a tip of the iceberg, but the change is reassuring, because I feel comfortable around Ness the same way he can count on me being there for him, and I realize how much I already do trust him. I'm still afraid, afraid of messing up, afraid of neglecting him for other priorities, afraid of screwing up our relationship for good, but I refuse to let my fears dictate me. I refuse to let my fears of trusting people get in the way, I refuse to be afraid of something that has yet to happen, I refuse to let Ness walk out of my life the same way I let my brother go all those years ago.

I refuse to make the same mistake twice.

So when Ness reaches up to ruffle my hair, a mischievous gleam in his eyes, I deliberately blow a puff of air into his face.

"Stop that, you jerk," Ness whines, scrunching up his nose in distaste, and I smirk. Though Ness wipes the smirk off my face when he loops his arms around my neck, because even with our uncomfortably cramped position, I can sense the undercurrent of his emotions, and that brings up another problem neither of us have touched upon.

The doorbell rings.

Ness kisses me on the forehead. "That's for being a little shit at the dinner table," he says lightly, kicking himself onto his feet to answer the door.

Though Ness hasn't tried anything new, it's in his eyes. It's written all over his face. It's practically in his words, every time he hugs me, every time he says I love you and a thousand other sappy things that I can't possibly dream of saying, because mere repetition of those words would decrease their value. He's trying to be considerate in the face of my current worries, but I know that we'll eventually have to address it soon.

Ness isn't completely satisfied.

Listening to Ness bicker with his sister yet again, I reopen my laptop and stare blankly at its screen. I wonder what it'd feel like, to not think about anything for once. To lose all of my worries for a night. To get a little frisky and lose myself in the moment.

But I'm not a one night stand. I'm just not that kind of person.

I've never had a particularly high libido, and the thought of someone else touching my junk scares the shit out of me. If I need to take care of myself, then I'll take care of it myself. I would probably be the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady - only except with dogs - because sex can go screw itself.

Yet, as Ness slowly sneaks his way into my comfort zone, I've begun to notice his not-so subtle changes from best friend to craving something closer. He presses his head against my shoulder. He crawls under my arms and curls up into my lap. He hugs me hello and kisses me goodbye, he plays footsie and rests the tip of his toes against mine underneath the table while we're eating, he sneaks into my bed covers and nuzzles the back of my neck whenever he worries about me getting cold.

Ness is EXTREMELY touchy-feely.

And unfortunately, I'm not.

So I try to return the favor by letting him hug me, letting him kiss me, and while Ness doesn't go beyond that, I'm starting to wonder if Ness wants something more. It's not like him to hold back his feelings, and - laughing quietly under my breath at the memory of our disastrous start - Ness no doubt wants something out of this relationship.

But what exactly? I'm not sure. The uncertainty is making me all nervous, because by now, Ness has got to have realized that he's gotten the shorter end of the stick. I can't make the first move. I have no right to ask him to stay. All I see in the future of our relationship is hardship after hardship, and Ness has got nothing to lose if he wants to break things off. I'm still waiting for the day Ness will say that he's had enough, that he can't put up with any more of my depressing bs in his life, that he's ready to break up and move on, and I wouldn't fault him for wanting to leave me.

And yet, he hasn't.

It's a real fucking mystery.

Maybe it'd make more sense if I were some drop-dead gorgeous blonde like Venus, but glancing at my weird bony wrists, I snort. Well at least I know that he's not staying for my looks.

Weirder still, our relationship has changed very little. We still act like shitheads to each other 99% of the time, the same way all best friends act to each other.

But the little changes are easily noticeable.

When I shook off Ness's hand in the SkyTrain Station earlier, wary of any reporters who might fan more fuel to my dad's fire, Ness had starting sulking, puffing up his cheeks in a childish pout. One year or two ago, Ness wouldn't have cared if I was holding his hand, if I WASN'T holding his hand, if I was holding someone else's hand, or simply not holding anyone's hand at all.

But for some reason, Ness's pout reminds me of a kicked puppy. It makes me feel incredibly bad. Like I've done something wrong. Or like I've popped all the air out of his FUN balloon. Which makes no sense, because this is the way I've always acted around him, and Ness should know that I'm the last person to reform and turn into a fucking Care Bear overnight. In retrospect, I should really give up and call it quits, because Ness should know that I can't make him happy.

Yet, I'm lying down on the cold hard floor, surfing the web in the hopes of answering all of my increasingly mindless questions.

how to be yourself without being awkward

how to talk to someone without being awkward

how to hug someone without being awkward

how to show affection to someone without being awkward

how to tell my macho dad I'm gay

whats dating

HELPP AM I GAY

Yeesh, my Google search history is terrifying. I bury my head into my hands and resist the urge to ask myself when I turned into such a pitiful sap. Things used to be so much easier when I wasn't such an emotional wreck. I could actually trust my head. I could actually think straight for more than two seconds. Now it feels like there's a hidden minefield of butterflies under my foot no matter where I step.

Love waits for no man. Love is scary, love is unforgiving, and beyond all, love doesn't give a damn about what I think.

But love has to wait, because I can't multitask. Whatever will happen will happen, I have a hundred other deadlines to prioritize, and this particular problem can stew as long as it has to on the back-burner, because if there's one thing love doesn't do, it's erase all of my life problems.

It's simple and straight-forward. If Ness makes the first move, then he makes the first move. Once he makes his move, I'll follow up. And if Ness doesn't feel like making a move, then I'll stay put until he tells me otherwise. Case closed. There's no point in worrying over something that may or may not potentially happen, and I'll have plenty of time to worry over Ness's first world sexytime problems after I take care of my own shit. Now get a grip, I grimly tell myself, and upon hearing the sound of approaching footsteps, shut my laptop.

Ness staggers into the bedroom with his loudly complaining sister on his back.

"Do it again! I bet you can't do it this time~!"

"I've already done it, like, a hundred times. Now knock it off," Ness grouches, trying to pry his sister off.

Pouting, Tracy tugs on his arm. "Please, big brother? Just once?" she says sweetly, tilting her head and flashing him her best puppy-dog face.

Giving me an apologetic glance, Ness gives in with a sigh and closes his eyes. Like a soda can about to burst from pressure, I feel Ness's magic slowly building up in his body before it finally pops. Hot sparks hop across across his chest before dancing across his fingers in a fluorescent lightshow. Then the sparks sink into his skin, leaving a faint firefly glow in Ness's hands.

Ness reopens his eyes. "Ready?" he says softly, and Tracy nods furiously in response.

His eyes glowing deep violet, Ness gently presses two fingers against his sister's temple.

A pause.

"You're frustrated."

"Damn it," Tracy wails, her twin pigtails flipping around at the speed of her exit. "Just you wait, big brother! I'll be way cooler than you one day!"

At her departure, Ness's eyes lose their glow. "She wanted me to read her emotions," he mutters, glancing at the agape bedroom door in disapproval. "She's getting better at hiding them from me, but I swear to god, if she asks me to do it for the tenth time tonight, I'm disowning her." When Ness reaches for my hand, he breaks into a grin at my wary expression. "Don't worry, I won't read your emotions. See? No glowy eyes."

"Who was at the door?"

"Twas only a lost stranger," Ness sings, flinging open his suitcase in random abandon. "Time to brush teef! Time to brush teef, teef, teef. I'm going in to shower afterwards. Mom and Tracy are going to use the other bathroom, so you don't have to worry about them barging in. Do you need toothpaste, Lucas?"

The sun goes down fast. Showering, flossing, bidding Ness's mom and sister goodnight. Before I know it, Ness closes the bedroom door shut behind us, only to stew over the immediate problem his mother has neglected to mention.

There's only one bed.

"We can probably fit," I say awkwardly, but Ness beats me to it, flicking off the lights and flopping down onto the floor in what is supposed to be a noble act of chivalry.

I furrow my brows at his stupidity. "Ness, what are you doing."

"Take the bed. This floor is comfy."

"You'll die. It's negative ten degrees Celsius with the wind chill."

"That's just your imagination."

"If you catch a cold, I'm not nursing you back to health," I deadpan.

A pause, and a rustle of jammies as Ness climbs into bed. "Scoot over, I'm freezing," Ness whispers, tugging the covers over his shoulders and snuggling closer before flinching. "Shit, why are your hands so cold? Do you ever take your meds?"

You've lived with me for over three years, Ness. Don't ask me questions you already know the answers to.

Still, when he warms my hands up in his, I can't help but hum in satisfaction.

"You should really eat your iron pills," Ness whispers, burying his head into my chest.

"They taste like shit," I say flatly.

I don't need Ness's empathy link to sense his grimace. He's gotten a whiff of my pills the one time I let him satisfy his curiosity. Remembering him gagging and coughing on all fours, I think it's safe to say that Ness sorely regrets it. "Fair enough, but it's not healthy for you to skip them whenever you want."

I'm not frail, Ness. I'm plenty healthy without my meds. I close my eyes, trying to remember the pattern of his breathing.

"Lucas?" Ness whispers.

"Hmm."

"Why do you think your dad would have a problem with... you know. Me liking you."

I laugh under my breath. "Because I'm the family disappointment."

"You?"

"My dad lectures me enough. I'm nothing like my brother." A bitter pause. "I'm nothing like Claus."

"So? What's wrong with being different?"

So? Even after fighting for my place on the roster, I remember the tireless conversations I've held with my father over the apparent question of my masculinity. At 60kg on a scale soaking wet, skinny jeans are my friend. Shirts tent in around my midsection. I can't fill up sleeves properly. Worse, I have to be careful not to choose clothes that fit me just right and wear a size up because I might look too effeminate. I'm lean and lanky, but mostly skin and bones. I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'll never get a Baywatch body, but it still stings to know I look too damn weak and skinny to fit in with society's beauty standards.

I already know that I look like shit. I don't need my dad's constant reminder to know that I just don't look muscular enough, that I act too much like Courage the Cowardly Dog to be of any use, that true men are fearless in the face of danger.

"A man must be stoic," I say in the gravely imitation of my father. "You're too sensitive for a man. No woman likes a crier."

"That's total B.S."

"You take after your mother. She liked singing. Reading. Drawing. But those are no hobbies for a man."

"NO."

"Look at your brother. Watch how he tackles his problems headfirst. Follow in his footsteps."

"If he has trouble thinking that you're any less of a man because you don't have the personality of an egotistical six-pack, then he's wrong. What you like and do... unless they hurt you or other people, none of this should matter," Ness says stubbornly. "And there's nothing shameful about crying. It doesn't make you any more of a coward."

Then I think about Ness, and how easily he cries. And Ness is certainly no coward.

"You're different though. You're not so easily scared," I say plaintively, and Ness tightens his grip on my hands.

"Lucas, can I tell you a secret?" Ness shifts uncomfortably against me. "I get scared a lot too."

"Not as much I as I do-"

"Only because I throw myself into action before I can second-guess myself. If I didn't push myself to take that first step, I don't think I'd trust myself to ever take it. I'd freeze up from fear. But you're smart. You actually think things through before you act. Sometimes, you worry too much... but it's okay, because I worry too little." Ness scrunches his eyes shut. "Lucas, you're right. I don't know shit about your dad. But if you ask me, it sounds like he cares about you, and doesn't know how to express it."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

"...I think so too."

"..."

"..."

Ness squeezes my hands again. "I love you just the way you are," he whispers.

A warm feeling wells up in my throat. Closing my eyes, I rest my chin on top of his head with a pleased hum.

Author's Note:

Happy reading!