Emily had just enough time between making the phone call and the knock on the door to regret calling. But by then, it was too late to take it back, so she plastered on a smile and opened the door to find her professor on the other side of the door looking awkward and shy, like she wasn't sure why she'd come.
"I'm sorry for bothering you," she burst out instantly, cheeks red, just as shy, just as awkward. "I'm sure you have lots of other things you'd prefer to be doing this evening..." She bit down on the timid smile on her lips to keep from looking too hopeful.
Alex shook her head. "Only grading papers," she said, "And you'll be the one who has to deal with those tomorrow, so I figured it was okay to play hooky." She added a playful wink to put her at ease.
"Touche." Emily said with a laugh. She stood back to let her into the apartment. "But wasn't your husband annoyed?"
Alex waved away her concern. "He's on call at the hospital, so it wasn't as if we were having a relaxing evening together anyway."
She tried to keep her relieved sigh from being too obvious because despite her words, she really wanted her to stay. "Thank you for coming. I just... I couldn't be alone." She shrugged awkwardly, apologetically.
Alex, for her part, just smiled understandingly. Then, reading her quiet timidity as easily as a book, she changed the subject, "This is the cleanest college apartment I've ever been in... Including my own, back in the day."
"You'd never know that growing up I always had a nanny cleaning up after me..." Emily joked, grateful for the levity. "Besides, you keep me so busy, I'm barely here enough to make a mess," she added, only half kidding.
"I suppose having a baby would change all that..." Alex mused quietly, without thinking. Emily gave a snort of what might've been agreement and Alex winced, wishing she hadn't said anything on the touchy subject.
"Do you want something to drink?" Emily asked, in lieu of answering. "I've got some tea, I think...no idea how long it's been there, though. My mother sent it from Morocco because she thinks I drink too much coffee. It's probably too late for a coffee, but I've got some really strong stuff my boyfriend left here if you want. That's about it, though..." she rambled.
"Tea would be wonderful," Alex assured her, settling on the couch that looked entirely too nice to be found in a college apartment. She offered Emily a warm smile in thanks when she returned with two mugs of tea. "I'm sorry for bringing up the subject of the baby," she apologized, guilt burning in her gut over the careless words, "It's obvious you aren't comfortable with it and I shouldn't have joked about it."
Emily shook her head insistently. "It's okay. You didn't mean anything by it. I guess I'm just still trying to wrap my head around it. This isn't how I wanted my life to go."
Alex nodded, understanding all too well, considering how the Amerithrax debacle had blown her life to pieces.
"The problem is," she continued, "My...boyfriend wants to keep it and I'm not sure that's the best thing for anyone. He's not... He's not a good man." She sighed sadly, wearily.
"But you love him?" Alex asked, noting the deliberately ambivalent way she'd used the word 'boyfriend', wondering exactly who this man was.
Emily nodded slowly. "I think so. At least, I did? I don't know." She gave a small humourless laugh. "God, I must sound so stupid – I'm having a kid with the guy and I don't even know if I love him..."
Alex gently patted her knee, giving her what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I don't think you're stupid. It's normal to have doubts – you're still so young and a baby is life-changing. You shouldn't have to make a permanent decision based on a maybe."
Emily couldn't help rolling her eyes because obviously she'd already failed at that.
Alex realized then that her hand was still on Emily's knee and withdrew it as quickly as if she'd been burned. Neither of them said anything. She took a sip of still too hot tea for something to do with her hand that still burned with the feel of Emily's soft skin.
"Do you want to watch Lord of the Rings?" Emily suggested to fill the silence. "No one will watch it with me because I won't shut up about the Elvish linguistics... I'm thinking of writing my thesis on it."
Alex's eyes lit up.
Emily lasted all of fifteen minutes into the movie before she fell asleep, slumping over on Alex's shoulder, exhausted.
Alex couldn't blame her, with all the stress she was obviously under at the moment. Smiling fondly, she carefully eased herself out from under Emily's sleeping form, propping her up against a pillow so she wouldn't wake up. She carefully draped a blanket over her and, just for good measure, brought the garbage can over, in case the urge to vomit swept over her in the night.
That was when she noticed the picture frames on the mantle and she couldn't help the smile that swept across her face... There were a few when she was older, but the ones that caught her eye were of Emily as a young girl. One where she was maybe seven years old sitting astride a camel, face caught in laughter. One where she was no more than four, in pyjamas and pigtails on Christmas morning, amid a storm of torn wrapping paper.
In the final picture, she had to have been no more than a few hours old – tiny and pink and perfect, fast asleep in the hospital issue bassinet. Her long lashes kissed her chubby baby cheeks, her pink bow lips puckered slightly in her sleep, and her tiny fingers curled around a fistful of her onesie.
Something about the picture made Alex's heart catch in her chest, a deep maternal ache that left her nearly breathless.
After a moment's debate, she quietly snapped a picture of the image.
That night, as she lay alone in her bed, she couldn't stop staring at the picture, that desire to have something more to come home to than an empty bed and a note from her husband apologizing for having to leave growing like a chasm inside her, becoming more and more certain that she was meant to have the baby that, in a few short months, Emily would bring into the world...