A Conversation at a Crossroads
Chapter 3 Revelations
TOKIO
The smell of cigarette smoke lay heavily in the kitchen air, mingling with the aroma of coffee in spite of the home's efficient air filtration system. He must have just finished a smoke. Her assessment was confirmed when she saw a few errant wisps come from an ashtray perched on the counter near the coffee maker. There was a familiar comfort in the scent. It heralded to days long gone, memories of which had been popping into her mind over the past few days.
At least the boys weren't in here to breathe that. She doubted that he smoked around them. There was enough lung-damaging pollution each time a person stepped outside. Most people went from their homes to their cars (all with electrostatic air cleaners), not choosing to go outside on days with severe pollution which now seemed to be the new normal.
He rose when she approached, motioning for her to take a seat at the table. The action spoke of manners taught a generation ago by parents who strived to raise respectful children. She sat in the chair next to where he was sitting, his place clearly identified by a coffee cup. Her need to be close to him was overwhelming this morning.
Before retaking his place at the table he walked to the coffee maker, pouring some of the dark liquid into a sturdy mug.
"Thank you Hajime" she said to him softly, as he returned, handing it to her . "It smells wonderful!" She loved the dark roast grinds. "How are you feeling this morning? How did you sleep?" She forced a small smile to grace her lips. Her heart rate was increasing due to rising trepidation in anticipation of what he might say.
His words from last night echoed in her mind,
"We have things we have to discuss,"
"Things you won't like to hear,"
"Things that won't be easy for me to ask,"
Both of them would usually go directly to the point of a matter, especially her former husband. Today's important issues were a conversation leftover from last night and Tsutomu's after midnight wandering. But she wanted to have some normal morning pleasantries. It made her feel... she wanted to feel...she needed to feel like she was still a part of this precious little family in some small measure. She recognized that today may be her last opportunity to do that, ever.
There was so much to talk about. Not only what he'd outlined for her last night, but also what happened this morning with Tsutomu. He knew the boy was with her. He was the one who carried him off to his own bed. She really did not know where to start.
What would the Major want? Would he want to tell her what was on his mind or find out about his son? She guessed that he would want to know how Tsutomu wound up in the guest room with her. She would expect that of him, and of herself if she were in his position. However, she really wanted to know what he declined to discuss last night. She dreaded it and she wanted to get it over with.
If they first talked about what was lying heavily on his mind, she was sure many things were, then talking about Tsutomu afterward would help take her mind off what he told her. She was sure he was going to tell her things that were related to both of their work situations and that of he and his boys.
She did know that he wanted her help. He'd asked for it, and the situation had to be critically serious for him to ask for that. Tokio could only speculate at the moment. Was it prosecutorial help? That was a given. It was her job at the DOJ and even if it weren't, she would find someway to help him with that. Was it for the boys? She would not hesitate to come to his home and stay with them, care for them, if he needed her, especially if he had to be away from home executing his new duties as head of the MPD investigation unit.
Tokio's mind was a racetrack of thoughts, speculations, and the most likely possibilities.
It didn't take her long to find out what the Major wanted to know first. She'd guessed right and he was as direct as ever.
"Tsutomu, he remembers who are you. Who you…who we used to be"
She really wasn't surprised that Hajime knew, as she had known as soon as Tsutomu almost called her 'Mother' on his way to bed the night before. Both of them had picked up on it.
"Yes, he does" she replied simply, nodding her head involuntarily to emphasize her answer.
"How is the boy taking it?"
How is he taking it? That remained to be seen. She kept her voice low so as not to attract the attention of some cubs sleeping down the hallway. Centuries ago their children seemed to have the same ability to hear a whispered conversation as their father.
"So far he seems to be taking it well, but one can never be sure about children. You will need to watch him."
Oh how she wanted to say, 'We will need to keep an eye on him,' but she couldn't. It would be much too presumptuous of her.
She paused before continuing, "I think he was somewhat confused at first."
But wasn't she also questioning herself when first presented with the possibility of living centuries ago, and she was an adult.
"Children are resilient and can often accept things more easily than those of us who are set in our ways," especially when it is their parents doing the explaining and are there to give reassurance.
"On the other hand, children will sometimes blame themselves for causing things beyond their control," she paused, looking away from him, not wanting to verbalize her remaining thoughts. Instead the rest of what remained unspoken, things such as a divorce or a death (or their father's alcohol problem) echoed in her mind.
She contemplated what their son had said, a small sigh escaping her lips. There was more she needed to tell him. She still harbored guilt and regret for putting cooking sake on that list. She even felt worse about it when she heard Tsutomu's confession. Their poor, precious child seemed to have the weight of the world, at least of their world, on his shoulders last night.
SAITOH
Saitoh nodded as Tokio quietly shared her observations regarding Tsutomu.
"Children will sometimes blame themselves for causing things beyond their control…. "
She looked away from him then, towards the now fully lit window. The still bloody sun cast dark shadows across her delicate features, making the attorney appear weary rather than just sad. A small sigh escaped her, the tiny exhalation speaking volumes.
"My drinking?" It went without saying.
She nodded. "Yes." Her speaking style was direct and honest, but wrapped in a measure of compassion that his never would be.
"Tell me," Only for this woman, would an order become a request. It was clear she was hurting, just as his son was. As he was the source of their mutual discomfort, his natural inclination was to do whatever was necessary to remedy the situation.
(Idiot. This is something you will never be able to make right.) He'd spent a year fighting tooth and nail to keep his promise to remain sober. The remediation for the harm he'd caused would take nothing short of a lifetime.
TOKIO
She turned to look at him again. "He...," she hesitated a moment to gain her composure, the memory of the talk with their son still a fresh wound to her heart. "He's afraid, Hajime, very afraid." She stopped. He needed to know this. It would be as hard for him to hear as it would be for her to tell.
He did not look away from her as she began to speak again, "He is afraid that if you start drinking again, you won't be able to protect us." The pain in the Major's amber eyes was palpable, but she knew he would not look away. She knew that he would take responsibility for what happened. The saddest thing to Tokio was that she also feared he took responsibility for things he had no control over, such as Yaso's violent murder, which was the catalyst for all that had happened to this precious little family.
"Last night at the grocery store," her eyes almost began to water, "he saw you looking at the cooking sake. Oh, Hajime," Tokio covered the hand her husband was resting on the table with her own. "If only I hadn't put that cooking sake on the shopping list yesterday, I am so sorry, so sorry for putting that temptation in your path."
"Tsutomu noticed it and thought you might buy it. I apologized to him for putting you in that situation. I told him that I needed to apologize to you, too, and I do. Please forgive me. "
The Major turned his palm so he could give her hand a little squeeze to calm her. It was his way of telling her that he did forgive her for her thoughtless act. She sent him a small, warm smile.
"I told him that you were working very hard to stay away from all kinds of alcohol, that he should be very proud of you for leaving it on the shelf." She gave his hand a small squeeze in return as she told him,"...and I am very proud of you as well." The attorney then leaned forward and gave her former husband a light kiss on his cheek.
"Tsutomu told me that Katsu said that you were an alcoholic, and although he didn't fully understand what that means," her hand did not remove itself from his, but her voice became low and pained, "he said he did know what happens when you drink."
After a pause her eyes turned a steely shade of gray. "That damn sister of yours sure hasn't helped, as usual." Tokio was not one for using foul language, however having to deal with Katsu was one of her less pleasant memories from Meiji 1, and that was an understatement.
"She was taking care of the boys yet she ...she failed to explain to them, to at least Tsutomu, what was happening to you." The attorney continued to hold onto the Major's hand, her voice laced with disgust for her former sister-in-law. She needed the physical connection with him to finish what needed to be said.
"I did my best to explain it to him. How do you help someone so young understand?" She doubted that you could, completely. Tokio looked down at their entwined hands . "I told him that you were sick and this kind of sickness made people want to drink alcohol and part of the sickness was that it is very hard to stop drinking."
By now she had the Major's hand in both of hers, hanging on to it like her life depended on it, as she continued to relate in detail last night's conversation with their son.
"I said that being an alcoholic means that a person wants to drink alcohol even though he knows it is bad for him and may make him do things that he will be sorry for later. I told him that being an alcoholic does not make you a bad person. I think that is the most important thing for him to know and understand." Gads, this was so difficult for her. For some reason it was harder for her to tell her former husband all these things than it was to tell Tsutomu.
"I told Tsutomu it is very, very important for him to understand that he did not cause you to start drinking." Tokio's words were spilling out now, "...that your problem with alcohol is not his fault, ... that he cannot do anything to stop you from drinking it, ...that you needed to stop on your own and it is a very, very hard thing to do."
As soon as she realized she was now holding Hajime's hand with what must be quite a painful grip, she released the pressure immediately. "Sorry." While concentrating on her words, her hands had acted involuntarily.
She glanced at the window for just a moment before closing her eyes, her head drifting down slightly. "He is worried that I am in danger and that you promised to protect me, but won't be able to if you drink again. Not only that," at least she no longer had a death grip on his hand, but she was still hanging on to it, "he is afraid that you won't be able to protect him or Tsuyoshi, or yourself if you go back to the bottle."
She drew in a sharp breath before exhaling. "These are his exact words, 'My auntie hates my father and my uncle, his name is Okita, has gone away and might be dead." She left out the part about the Major liking her,
"Then he asked for my help." Like you did last night. There was no need to tell him. She was quite sure he remembered. That was supposed to be part of this morning's talk. However, there was something more that needed to be discussed.