*tlonk*
Dell "The Engineer" Conagher opened himself another bottle of sarsaparilla. A beer would be better fit to calm his stress in these trying times, but he had a strict "no drinking" policy while working. Despite the dire situation, he didn't let it stop him from being stylish: In this day's morning, he donned the Dad Duds and rubbed some Saxton Hale Hair Cream on his scalp and cheeks, resulting in a perfect Pardner's Pompadour and Scotch Shaver growing on his face. So when he walked out of the facility's kitchen and back into the control room, he could at least feel confident in his appearance. By now, the robots repaired most of the damage that has been caused to the building, and the room just needed a few finishing touches before it was perfect, but otherwise, it was safe to use. He got inside, threw the bottlecap in the garbage bin and sat down in his chair. He checked the clock: 23:00. In an hour, it would be an entire day of nonstop working for him. He took a sip, put the bottle on the table, slid on his hard hat, and picked up his wrench.
"Long day, huh?"
Engineer looked to the door. Miss Pauling, the new temporary Chief Executive Officer of Mann Co. was standing there. The recent events seemed to age her a few years, especially when she had to don her former, former boss's serious purple suit instead of her usual casual dress. Of course, unlike the Administrator, Miss Pauling wasn't 150 years old and had a misanthropic attitude to life, so you could appreciate her a lot more. And right now, Engineer definitely sympathized with the tired look on her face.
"Damn right it was, ma'am." Engineer tipped his hardhat and unscrewed a few broken bolts from the control panel. "But ya know what they say, no rest for the wicked. My daddy taught that a real man fixes any mistakes he makes…" he lifted the panel and inspected all the torn wiring inside. "…and this is one big mistake." He clicked on his radio. "Get me the necessary components from Manual Alpha, page 10, section D to the control console."
She smiled. "Aw, don't be so hard on yourself, Dell. Between us? That deadline was way too short for this thing. Oh, sorry!" She stepped aside as a Medic-Bot wheeled past her, holding a box of materials.
"Yeah, I know. But still, that's on me. I sugarcoated it too much for Mr. Hale, and he got hooked instantly. I can only hope he won't whoop my damn ass when we bring him back." He rummaged inside the box. "There ya are! A pristine biometric scanner. Can't translate anyone's molecular and biological information for transmission without this first." He went back to tinkering with the panel.
"Heh, don't worry, I'll vouch for you." She giggled. "Look, I know you're a genius and all, but even you need sleep. I'm not Saxton Hale – I'm not going to work you to death. Believe me, I had to work 364 days a year for my… old boss." She said the last part with sadness. The Administrator may have died, and may have been an evil old lady, but Pauling could never forget the loyalty and respect she had for her employer.
"Hey, it's alright. I had to spend a good number of months with her too, keeping her health steady and her Life Extending Machine upgraded." He put his head inside the panel's cavity, searching for something. "She was… not the nicest woman I ever met, but I would be lying if I said she wasn't a reliable employer to my family."
"You know what? Forget about her. She was had only one hour of free time in a year, so I can't really complain." She switched the topic before it could make her more uncomfortable. "Like I wanted to say, the Engineer-Bots have done a great job so far. They can keep doing it while you sleep."
"Heh, alright, don't worry, I'll go to sleep in an hour. You're right, my lookalike robots sure know what they're doing. Can you believe that when Mann Co. invented those things in 1900, they said they'll only be used for fightin'? Hah! I'm glad the newest Hale came to his senses." He started attaching the new cables from the box.
"I, uh, wasn't alive back then, but yeah."
"Neither was I. But I was alive to know grandpa Radigan's opinion on it. Even he thought it was a bad idea back in the day. Had an argument about with my father, if my memory strikes me right." He finished what he had to do and put the panel back. "Say, y'all's presence here don't bother me and all, but I'm just wondering why you're here." He turned to her. "Is there somethin' specific ya need, madame?"
Pauling sighed. "Honestly, Dell? I just need good news. Being the CEO of the biggest company in the world is… well, not easy. All eyes are on me. Christ, the only reason I'm the president of Mann Co. right now isn't because some inheritance or a contract. The only thing Saxton Hale left for this kind of emergency is a note inside his desk saying 'in case I am temporarily gone, temporarily assign to my job whoever secretary of mine wins in a fistfight against each other.'"
Engineer lifted his glasses. He didn't notice it before due to the dim light, but now he saw clear bruises on Pauling's face. "Bless your heart, ya had to fight that lanky Bidwell and that corn-fed Reddy?"
"Mhm." She adjusted her glasses, which were held together by adhesive tape. "But hey, brain over brawn, as you know. They might have been bigger, but I knew some handy-dandy martial arts. Still hurts, though." She rubbed a red spot on her cheek. "No hard feelings afterwards, we knew who we are working for."
"Yep… damn, sorry to hear that. On the bright side, y'all are a lot more charismatic than they are. You'll make a solid temp leader." He put his goggles back. "I'm surprised you found free time to catch up. I know Mr. Hale has been neck-deep in corporate work – that's why it was so easy to get him on board with mah plans."
"Oh, I didn't 'find' any free time, this is more like just inspecting the place to see your progress." She reached for her suit and pulled out a clipboard. "So, uh, partner, how's you-all doin' up this frontier…?" She asked in a fake southern accent. Engineer stared at her. "I'm sorry. That was supposed to be a joke… a bad joke. Just give me the status report."
He cleared his throat. "Well, most of the exterior damage of everythin' in the facility is repaired. Now all I have left is the machine itself." He looked at the control panel. "I need, uhhh, about 3 Engineer-Bots to finish up on the control console here." He said to his radio, then looked back to Pauling. "With this number's off mah checklist, I got three more parts left. Bots fixed most of the network connecting the machine to the console. Next up's the Relay Dish, which scans and grabs the proper frequency we need. Its cables should also be wired by now. I'll work on that in the morning, 'cause it's pretty important if we want to intercept the other universe's RF again." He looked out the window. "After that's done, I'll get mah hands on the teleporter itself. All-in-all, whole thing's should be fit for initial operational capacity in about a week, and full operational capacity in a month."
"Alright. Put your pedal to the metal, Dell. I'm under a lot of pressure here from a lot of serious people, which means you're in that boat with me." Pauling reminded him.
"Don't have to tell me to stir my stumps, I already know it." Engineer chugged down his bottle. "Alrighty then, let's look at the half-full side of the glass. My team's gonna return soon from their, eh, visit to Merasmus. God willing, they convinced him to help."
A SHORT TIME AGO, AT THE TEUFORT NINE'S VISIT TO MERASMUS
"FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!" Scout screamed, his backside's burning and his legs running away from the mad wizard in his giant form. Running head-first into danger was not the best idea this time, and he learned it the hard way.
"YOU IMBECILES HAVE DARED TO DISTRUB MY SLUMBER… AND YOU SHALL PAY FOR IT, WITH YOUR LIVES!" Merasmus shouted, pointing his staff and casting another fire spell in Scout's direction. It exploded just behind his feet and sent him flying in the air until he hit the stained-glass window of Merasmus' assisted living castle.
"Medic…" Scout groaned as his body slid down to the floor. His freshly-grown Greased Lightning and Stapler's Specs (courtesy of the Saxton Hair Cream) were burned away, leaving him nearly hairless, while his Poolside Polo was charred beyond recognition.
"JEREMY THE SCOUT, I CURSE YOU TO A FATE OF ETERNAL SUFF-EGH!" Merasmus grunted as a flare hit his cheek, causing a small round crater.
"Huddah-huddah-huddah!" Pyro charged him, holstering their flare gun and equipping the Degreaser. They shot a string of flames towards Mersamus, catching his cape on fire. "Mrasmph mommph pmah!"
"Thou ignorant vile creature of the flame, I will cast you down to the Black Sea!" The wizard threatened, grabbing his staff with both hands and kicking Pyro away with it like they were a golf ball. The pyromaniac smashed against the wall, murmuring in discomfort as they tried to get up. There was visible blood dripping out of their Winter Wonderland Wrap and some limb bone protruding from their Water Waders, but they were clearly still alive as indicated by their Googol Glass Eyes not displaying 'X' signs.
"You feel it, don't you?" Merasmus moved his hands to cast a spell on Pyro. "The terrible frost, it is enveloping you in its infinite, mysterious darkne- OOF!" A crocket struck his stomach and pushed him back, making him hold his belly like he just got an ulcer.
"I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO STRANGLE A ROOMATE LIKE I WANTED TO STRANGLE YOU, YOU COMMUNIST WITCH BITCH!" Soldier shouted at him, firing the remaining three rockets in the clip.
"OW, OW, OW!" Merasmus let out pained grunts as the missiles hit his arms which he was holding up to defend his face. "SOLDIER, THOU ARROGANT FOOL, YOU WILL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS OF UNDUE TERROR, OF WHICH I WILL PERSONALLY ATTEND TO!" He grabbed his staff and raised it, and out of the tip came a green lightning bolt, shooting straight at Soldier and hitting him. "EXCEPT IF THEY FALL ON WEEKDAYS!"
"AAAA-I-AAA-WILL-AAA-NOT-AAA-SURRENDERTOCOMMUNISTDEMANDS-AAAH!" Soldier screamed loudly while he was electrocuted, his Public Speaker and Cross-Comm Crash Helmet getting destroyed in the process and his Classified Coif catching on fire. If this story was a comic book, you'd also be able to see an X-Ray of his skeleton flashing.
"You SHALL burn in the painful heating lavas of HELL ITSELF, SO LONG AS I LIVE, WHICH I WILL DO! FOREVER! MWAH-HARGH!" A big bullet hit him straight between the eyes. "Stop… interrupting… my… SENTENCES!" His voice bellowed across the hall. Sniper hid behind a pillar for cover, loading another shot in his Machina. He hoped he managed to save Soldier from certain death, though his limp body falling to the ground wasn't encouraging.
"Need some bloody help here!" The Kiwi called out for whoever was listening. He crouched and blind-fired a precise shot around the corner, the bullet ripping a hole through Merasmus' chin this time. "Go to hell, wanker!" He actioned another bolt and took aim, aiming for Merasmus' eyes.
"AYYYR! THE JAW SURGERY WILL COST ME A SMALL FORTUNE! ONE THAT YOU WILL PAY…" The magician pointed his staff. "…WITH YOUR LIFE!" Sniper chose to hide behind the pillar again, but that's exactly what Merasmus wanted him to do. An explosive rod shot out of the tip of the Wizard's stick, hitting the foundation of the pillar, and causing it to collapse on the unlucky sharpshooter, leaving the Bare Necessities as the only proof of his existence. "THIS PILLAR SHALL SERVE AS THE TOMBSTONE OF YOUR GRAVE… A-HA! NOT THIS TIME!" Just before a hail of bullets struck him, Merasmus pulled out the Bombanomicon, using it as a shield to protect him from Heavy's minigun fire.
"Heavy will crush tiny magic man!" The Russian yelled in anger, his bullets doing nothing against the thick layer of the bomb-book. "Put away literature, baby! Fight me like real man!"
"Oh, I will, you Slavic slob!" Merasmus evilly laughed and started reading off the book. "I shan't… wait, I mean shall… STOP SHOOTING ME WHILE I'M READING FORBIDDEN TEXT!" He forgot to consider the fact Heavy will keep shooting him while his book-shield is down, and the hundreds of bullets that now hit his flesh started to hurt. "I shall curse you with your own, PERSONAL, DOOOOM! Grrrrrr…" He tried to ignore the minigun turning his body into Swiss Cheese. "STATE-MANDATED WEIGHT-LOSS!" He pointed his finger at Heavy. "VOCATE VESPERTILIO TURBA!" He spoke, and a mob of bats flew out of the pages and swarmed Heavy, carrying his body away and breaking it through a wooden door while he spit out Russian swear words at them. On the bright side for him, all his cosmetics stayed on his body. On the dark side for his companion, the German doctor which was standing behind the spot Heavy was shooting from, he had to face Merasmus himself.
"Uh, oh-oh, zhis is actually very bad…" He mumbled as the enraged witch-man approached him. "Can ve… call for a temporary truce, mein zauberer freund?" He made a weak smile, backing up to the wall. Even if his Kritzkrieg was full, it would offer no defensive capabilities against the wizard's attacks. "Bleib mal locker, herr Merasmus… Zhere is no need to do any rush aktion!" His aristocratic look didn't help him appear more innocent, what with his Class Crown, All-Father and Medical Monarch, he'd look pretty detestable if he was your enemy. If you were a dirty Bolshevik, that is.
"Dr. Ludwig… you have dealt with the devil wisely. You have chosen to fight me foolishly." Merasmus held his staff with both hands. "For this insolent behavior you have thought could be possibly beneficial to you, I will inflict you with the same pain you have inflicted to all your unfortunate patients… PREPARE TO FACE THE TORTURE OF ETERNAL… GROAK!"
The Spy uncloaked behind the wizard's neck and stabbed his Black Rose deep into Merasmus' nape. The angry magician tried to grasp him, but the French assassin was agile enough to avoid his grabby hands. When that failed, Merasmus opted to shaking his back until Spy dropped down on the ground. "Merde…!" The Frenchman groaned as his body hit the stone floor, likely breaking a bone or two. To add insult to injury, Merasmus turned around and kicked him away with enough force to slam his body against one of the pillars. "T'es une raclure de bidet… do you have any idea how much this attire costs?!" He cursed at the approaching wizard. His Well-Rounded Rifleman may have been squashed, his Tomb Readers broken in half and his Business Casual covered in blood, but that didn't stop him from slowly reaching to his suit pocket to pull out his revolver.
"No! But I know how much YOU are worth: NOTHING! I shall go on and crush you, with none other than MY EONS-OLD SHOE OF DAMNATION, forged from the feet of- wait, what?" Merasmus stopped when he heard electrical sound going off, turning around to investigate. Before he could react, 14 stickybombs glowing with critical charge were shot under his legs. He stared at them in surprise, then looked up to their source. The man who would deal the killing blow to him smiled proudly, holding his Scottish Resistance which was glowing thanks to his Medic's Kritzkrieg behind him.
"KA-BOOM!" The Demoman shouted, looking even crazier than he usually is while activating the detonation. Merasmus didn't even have time to shout a long dramatic "no" before he was blown away, the explosion launching him backwards through the stone wall, destroying it. The shockwave was strong enough to make Demo's Merc's Mohawk wave in the wind and his pipe drop from his Bearded Bombardier, but he didn't let that move him away from where he stood until the smoke has cleared. After all, a little explosion isn't going to rattle a few Dynamite Abs. "Consider that revenge for me stolen eye, ye bloody bawbag!" Demo equipped his Loch-N-Load and ran towards the hole. "Help whoever ya can, Doc! I'll make sure that wizard won't be runnin' away!" Medic nodded and started healing his wounded teammates.
Merasmus was still alive, yet badly damaged, and clearly unable to fight anymore "Wait! Do not commit to any mortal-bound mistakes, mortal! Or-or I will curse your second eye to-"
"Keep talkin' out of yer arse and I'll shove this pretty lil' piece o' mine right up it!" Demo threatened, aiming his weapon at Merasmus.
"Please no!" Merasmus cowered, holding his hands in front of his face. "Victory is yours, I submit!"
"Good! Then make us a portal to wherever our boss is!"
"I… I can't!"
"Дурь несусветная!" Heavy walked through the hole in the wall, opening his Borscht Belt to pull out shells for his Family Business. "Do not lie to us, magician! We know you saw him!" Even though his face was hidden by a Warhood and War Goggles, you could tell he was furious, and the various bruises on his body didn't help it.
"I never should have come to you… I knew Hale was lying about getting a reward!" Merasmus tried to get on his knees, but his legs were nearly broken too. "You are barking at the wrong tree, you buffoons!"
"Even assuming you are not lying…" Medic joined them with the rest of the team, all of them in various health conditions. "…Zhe least you could do is use your magic to fix our Engineer's teleporter."
Merasmus sighed. "Why are you asking me all of these requests AFTER defeating me in battle? I am barely functional now!"
"Mlel, phouh phaphen't mmphatly pomplhmp…" Pyro noted. Unbeknownst to anyone, they were using the opportunity to check up on Frontier Engineering's stocks with their eye implants.
"Freak's right." Scout agreed. "Shoulda gave up when ya had the chance. Now we kicked your witchin' ass, so you gotta help us." He touched his scarred scalp and winced. "And grow my hair back, too. Babes don't date guys with combovers."
"I cannot!" Merasmus claimed. "You don't understand!"
"The way I see it, MADAME, you're the one who made my boss disappear, which makes it YOUR responsibility to evacuate him!" Soldier pointed a finger at him. "And since he was a true capitalist, I can only guess you did it because of your SINISTER SOCIALIST SPELLS!"
Everyone had to take a minimum of 10 seconds to process Soldier's stupidity. Spy eventually coughed. "Merasmus, let us entertain the idea you are speaking the truth. Why, assuming you recover to full health, can you not open a portal, repair the machine, or do something as simple as returning Saxton Hale?" He said.
"It is not that simple, you utter fools! Cross-universal magic is of the highest difficulty for a magician to achieve, let alone master!" Merasmus explained. "I did not visit Hale of my own accord. That bone-headed mammoth-haired chimp had summoned me against my will!"
"Don't tell anyone I said it, but how the hell does that drongo know a spell to summon ya?" Sniper asked, putting the Bare Necessities back on his head. Alongside his Five-Month Shadow and Rifleman's Regalia, it would normally look pretty good, but right now he was covered in thick layer of dust all over.
"I do not know! I was planning on figuring it out after receiving my reward." Merasmus adjusted his ram skull hat. "Few details I have of his situation, but from my short-live journey, I can award you with these mysterious clues!" He opened his palm and casted a spectral vision of everything that he saw when he was violently summoned to the other world.
"Huh." Scout commented once it finished projecting.
"If I vere to be honest, zhat seems… believable, in a vay." Medic admitted.
"Merasmus can tell no lie but the truth itself!" The wizard spoke. "It is the scariest horror of them all!"
Spy took out a cigarette. "If you make a full recovery, would you be able to give us a way to reach Hale in any way, shape or form?"
Merasmus shrugged. "Possibly! It is great and powerful magic that Merasmus cannot guarantee-"
"Listen up, ya manky bastard, either help us or ye die. Got it?" Demoman interrupted him.
"Of course I will help you, mortal…" Merasmus slyly said. "NOT!" With sleight of hand the mercs couldn't think was possible for a sluggish man like him, he suddenly pulled out a potion from his robe. "I LEAVE YOU HALF-WITS TO YOUR OWN CLUELESS FATE!" Before they could react, he threw the potion on the ground.
"NO!" The Scotsman fired all three of his shots, but he was too late, and a cloud of green smoke enveloped the wizard, swallowed him whole, and left Demo's pills to shatter harmlessly on the empty ground. Merasmus was gone, and so was any of his knowledge about how to rescue Saxton Hale. Everyone stared in disbelief.
"That was heaps of trouble for nothing." Sniper said, finally breaking the silence.
"And heaps of my freaking blood, too." Scout muttered.
"Fantastic. We have wasted our time and effort all for naught." Spy lit up his cigarette. "And to think we were almost getting somewhere before the Scottish cyclops scared him away."
"Oi! Watch yer words, snake!" Demo raised his fist at him. "I'll tear that silver-tongue out of yer mouth and-"
"Men! Stop talking this nonsense before I shove my boot up each and every one of your asses! We have fought Merasmus. We have defeated Merasmus. And we have made Merasmus run away like a little girl! That is the real victory!" Soldier yelled.
"Yeah, right, tell that to Engie when we come back." Scout scoffed. "I'm sure hardhat's gonna be real happy hearin' we got nuffin'."
"There is no need to argue, comrades." Heavy said calmly, his deep voice rolling across the hall. "This battle is finished. Let us return home and see how Engineer is doing job." It was rare for Heavy to be the voice of reason (primarily because he often simply didn't make his voice heard) but this time everyone could agree.
"Aye, I need a drink!" Demoman concluded, and with that they turned around, all heading back to the entrance teleporter they set up outside the castle.
"Honestly, guys, it this crap even worth it? Saxton Hale is probably dead already." Scout said, trying to remove a stuck bullet in his pistol's chamber.
"DEAD?! Son, you better take that back right now. Saxton Hale is one of the manliest Americans I ever knew!" Soldier retorted. "I wish I was there instead of him, kicking anti-Christian ass until they pray to the one and only God!"
"To answer your question, Scout, zhere is no question vhezher saving Geschäftsführer Hale is a vorzhy endeavor, for ve have no choice in zhe matter." Medic replied. "Zhis is vork, and ve are supposed to do it."
"I'm just sayin'… Ouch!" Scout got his finger stuck in the ejection port. "Crap, I think I just broke my finger. Oh god, it's actually starting to come off… Medic!"
BACK IN THE FACILITY
"So this is the, uh…" Miss Pauling looked at her clipboard. "Stabilized Reflector Platform?"
"A-yup." Engineer tightened several screws. "That's what concentrates and reflects the molecular beam." He knew she didn't understand half of what he was saying about the machine, but it was comforting to talk about it. Nothing better to ease your mind than good old hard science.
"Yep, it's all here in my notes." She marked a few lines. "You got all its circuitries and whatnot covered?" She took a peek on the platform.
"Yes, ma'am. Just like the rest, it needs some finishin' touches."
"Great. So, the final part of this, overall, is the…"
*pssshoom*
The familiar sound of a normal teleporter activating was heard outside the room they were in.
"Well look who's back! Let's hope Merasmus agreed to help us." Engineer said, hopeful. "Then we won't have to go through all of this."
"Always glad for your optimism, Engie." Pauling said, going outside with him to witness the returning warriors.
"Fellas!" Engineer spread his arms. "Y'all look dead on your feet. Merasmus gave ya a hard time?"
"Zhat vould be an understatement, but ja." Medic said what everyone was thinking, healing Scout's burnt skin.
"Sorry I couldn't help y'all skin his hide, but work's work. Here, have some R&R." He reached down to a crate full of various alcoholic beverages and tossed one out for every member.
"Yooo, is that Bonk Beer?!" Scout exclaimed when he caught his reward.
"Yup. New product they put out. Now with 400% more high-fructose corn syrup."
"Sweet!"
"Enjoy the heart attacks, kid." Engineer grabbed his glass of water. "Well, seeing y'all's long faces, I'll go on ahead and make an educated guess: Merasmus didn't budge."
"How do you know?" Pauling asked him.
"'Cause he's not bloody stupid." Demoman grumbled, starting to drink his bottle of scotch.
Engineer nodded. "Optimism can only get me so far, Pauling. Sometimes, ya gotta acknowledge the glass is half-empty." He drank his cup. "Nothing changed as far as I see it. Just gonna keep fixing the signal interceptor."
"Well… okay. I really had hope there for a minute." She rubbed her eyes. "Never mind, then. We have one last part to inspect now, correct? Then we can all go home to sleep and pretend our neck isn't on the line."
"The Molecular Beam Emitter, that's right. That's the actual component that translates your matter into energy for transmission. Let's go back."
"All these seems pretty technical, Engie. I'm surprised this failed with so much precision put into it." She said while they returned to the operation room.
"Well, the machine itself is relatively simple to build. We already know teleportation technology. It's considerably more arduous to build without Australium now, especially when it's something as advanced as this, but we still know the basics. The hard part is-"
"Yo, Miss Pauling!" Scout interrupted them, peeking through the door. "Can I ask you if-"
"No, Jeremy, I don't have time for a date." Pauling scowled. "I don't know if you noticed, but I'm kind of the CEO of Mann Co. right now. Which means I'm busy."
"Oh, uhm..." Scout's face fell. "Uh, so maybe-"
"And I won't have time soon either. Because I'll still be busy."
"Right. Sorry." He made a phone gesture with his hand. "Call me?"
"Go. Away."
Scout lowered his head and walked back to his equally broken teammates."Gosh, he's insufferable sometimes." Pauling said quietly.
Engineer chuckled. "You're telling me? I had to fight alongside that whippersnapper for years."
"Let's just go back to what we talked about."
"…Yeah, I think I'll give him a piece of my mind later." Soldier said, taking a sip from his US-flag colored beer. "Ahhh, this is what I call real American lager. Not that weak crap you heinies drink."
Medic raised his large glass mug, which looked like it had more foam than alcohol in it. "Enjoy your pißwasser, kumpel."
Spy tapped his glass of Boulevardier. "Gentlemen, it would be my pleasure if we could get through one symposium without insulting our fellow men for their drink of choice." He side-eyed Sniper, who was in the process of chugging cheap bottled wine. "…as distasteful as they may be."
"Phouh phoh, lhay mmhish Mempheer fhas kheer." Pyro "said". They were holding some kind of Spanish drink with skulls, fire and other hellish symbols on it, but were in no rush to remove their mask to drink it. Or open it, for that matter.
"Aye, I wish Engineer's was with us too." Demo nodded, finishing with his third bottle. "But that clever bloke's got 'imself busy with work nowadays."
"Look! Little man returns from failed romance!" Heavy stopped preparing his vodka cocktail to point at Scout coming back slumped and defeated from the teleporter room. The team shared a hearty schadenfreude at him.
"Very funny, guys." Scout mumbled. "Real comedians, you are."
"Drown away your sorrows, mon fils." Spy advised.
"That's the plan, alright." Scout took a long sip from his Bonk Beer. "So what we talkin' about?"
"I was just saying I'm going to go kick Merasmus' ass and make him send me to the other world." Soldier told excitedly. "I'll make him angry enough to teleport me. Then you can come kick his ass again to force him to teleport you!"
Scout snorted. "Genius idea, jughead. Where'd ya pull that out of?"
"The internet! I read a story about it!"
"What? Even I know ya can't read! And I can't read!"
Sniper decided to challenge him. "Soldier, I think we can actually believe that skull-hatted maniac. We almost killed him and he still didn't help us. That magic he's talking about must be as hard as he says it is, if he's willing to die for it."
"Well, Sniper, that's because YOU wasn't his roommate! I was collecting intel on him before you pissed in your first jar!"
"Alright mate, tell us about your 'intel' then."
"Merasmus the magician is some 6000 year old crone from Sumeria or some other Asian shithole." Soldier explained. "Merasmus the green-spirit-person is an older-than-time dark larvae from putrid womb of the ancient ones."
"What?! Now you're just makin' stuff up."
"Waitwaitwait, I remember those words!" Scout recalled. "Ya told us that when Merasmus fought us the first time!"
"…and made a mockery of our fighting capabilities." Spy added. "But Soldier, surely those claims were highly exaggerated?" After finding out Soldier was correct about infiltrating Grey Mann's facility, Spy was inclined to consider just slightly the possibility of Soldier saying the truth sometimes.
"Nah, I knew that before! He just said it angrily because I was burning his body. Wait, no, I didn't listen to him when he said that." Soldier scratched his head. "Look, the point is that if I make Merasmus reveal his super powers, he'll be able to send me to that other world!"
Scout snorted again. "Again, genius plan. Go do it already." He finished his drink and looked at it. "That was… awesome. Ugh…" He held his chest. "Oh. I think I feel my heart muscle thickening. Medic!"
"The hard part is manipulating space-time to our advantage. It's an unstable, unreliable, and unpredictable factor in the calculation." Pauling and Engineer reached the device and he opened a white box that was sitting on a desk. "Now, if there was any Australium left on Earth, this appliance would run smooth as butter." He carefully pulled out his prize. "Check out this stunner! A military-grade circuit board. Costs a pretty penny, but works like a charm."
"Yes, that is… very cool sciency stuff." Pauling raised her thumb up. "You're right, by the way, Australium would make all of this trouble nonexistent."
"Yessum. Hell, Australium was ain't no magic metal either. Ya just needed to know every quantum mechanic under the sun and you understand how to use it." He patted his hardhat. "And it just so happens that exposure to the thing expands your brain capacity." He went down on his knees and starting working with the circuitry. "Two birds in one priceless stone."
"Dropped more bodies than I can count to get as much of that metal for the Administrator…" Pauling reminisced.
"Those were the good ol' days. Y'know, I actually designed a Mark Six version of the Life Extender Machine in my spare time. Real compact, that one. Could run on so little Australium you'd be practically immortal." He took out a measuring tape and measured some non-tape objects with it. "20 centimeters, that'll do it. Anyway, look at us living in the past like old ladies. This here's the present, and it ain't got no Australium." He took two cords and attached them together, a short flash of electricity brightening his face. "Now we have to do it the old-fashioned way." He tapped his temple.
"Our brains, very important." Pauling clapped politely. "O-K, are we finished with the preliminary repairs?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She marked a few V's on her board and looked at her watch. "Then that's it for today. 5 minutes to midnight. Time to get some sleep, Engie." She flipped a few pages. "I'd love to give you a reasonable time to rest, but I really can't let you have more than 4 hours."
"Heh, better than all those sleepless work nights I had. Thanks."
"No, thank-"
"BEEP BOOP, IMPORTANT MESSAGE!" An Engineer-Bot barged in the room.
"Speak up." Engineer got up from his knees.
"RELAY DISH REPAIR CONDITION AT 20%. RECEIVED FAINT SIGNAL FROM SEPARATE DIMENSION."
Engineer and Pauling looked at each other. "Show it." They said at the same time.
The robot turned to the wall and its eyes transformed into a projector, proceeding to display a large image of complex mathematical formulas on the wall. "Oh… wow." Pauling's eyes danced across the many deep analytics on the blackboard-sized projection. "What is this?"
"That's the signal. These stuff are beyond complicated. We had to spend a fortune on the super-computer which runs this facility." Engineer put his hands on his hips. "This one's short enough for me to analyze here, which shows how weak the signal was."
"Ah… do you need a pen or a calculator or…"
"Nah, I got it." He frowned. "But… wait just a darn moment, that can't be right…"
"What?" Pauling asked.
"Bot, what's the percentage of the signal's accuracy?" Engineer rubbed his chin.
"100%."
"And what's the margin of error on these equations?"
"0%."
"That's baloney. Run each question on your systems ten times to confirm it."
The robot was silent for 5 seconds, then replied. "NO ERROR FOUND."
"This can't be…"
"Engie, what's wrong?"
"Damn it all to Hell!" He cursed. "Was my hypothesis wrong? Did I underestimate the mutual time dilation's effects on the density matrix? Is it possible the light cones were tilted incorrectly and the closed timelike curve-"
"Engineer!" Miss Pauling said loudly, crashing his train of thought. "What the hell is going on?"
"Give me a minute." He ran to the wall mounted intercom and pressed an orange button, causing yellow lights to start flashing. "All robots, kick into maximum overdrive! I need 200% performance! Relay for the factory, and order 500 more bots to come here! We got-"
*BANG*
A gunshot sounding off made his focus much more focused. He turned to Miss Pauling, who was now holding a snub-nosed revolver with smoke coming from the barrel. "Tell. Me. What. Happened." She said slowly and indignantly.
He took off his hardhat. "Forgive me, miss. There's just a hell of a lot more trouble coming our way."
"Then say it. I won't kill you, I promise."
"Well… the signal was weak, which means the values on the tin-can's diagrams are approximate…" He took a deep breath. "But essentially, they mean that while 24 hours passed for us here… it has been more or less a year for Saxton Hale."
"Dell, you're going to have to pull a lot of all-nighters."
Author's Note:
Well, I'm happy that this has twice as many words than the prologue. I was actually surprised I wrote so little for the first chapter. So much so that I'm considering to rewrite it. This is one of the things that I hated about my old fanfiction, and for this one I'm going to try as much as I can to avoid. If I intend to have this story in a "few chapters, many words" format, it's essential I write enough for people to have an actual bone to chew (in an ideal world I would write both many words and chapters, but uh, I'm not an ideal writer). My old story has half as many words as this one with three times the chapters, definitely not desirable. Anyway, I don't want to spend too much time with the Mercs – This is Saxton Hale's fanfiction, after all. Besides, I don't want to get too attached or waste my writing capabilities on them here. Inshallah, I will do a proper rewrite of my first fanfiction one day. One that doesn't look like a kindergartener wrote it and has longer than bite-sized chapters.
I'm still re-reading the Sea of Monsters before I'll start seriously writing the second "book" in this series (though I already have written several parts for it). Until then, I whipped up this epilogue to give more room to the Mercs other than just Engineer like in the prologue. I'm also still thinking whether to continue as a separate entry in the Fanfiction folder or just add it as more chapters to this story. The more I think about it, the more the latter makes more sense. I can't expect people to just follow over to a separate entry. And it also feels dishonest to artificially inflate the TF2xPJ folder with my entries, especially if I'm going to keep these stories scarcely chaptered and worded as they are. At the same, it seems weird to keep writing onto the second book while this one was focused on the first. It has a unique title, a prologue and an epilogue which makes it feel independent for me. Meh, I'll have to keep thinking about it until I inevitably do the latter. While that happens, enjoy this while you can. I appreciate all your reviews.