Warnings: Thigh ridding, making out, Paz is protective of his girl, y'all. Parenting issues and struggles with young kiddos. Mentions of pregnancy complications. A Dyslexic wrote this. Let me know if I missed something!
I inhaled slowly, breathing in the fumes of incense as the smoke wafted over my bare skin. Elder Shelda shuffled around, grabbing things while I sat on the cold floor, meditating, settling my mind via the Elder's instruction. The incense bowl, much like Nanek's, sat in front of my crossed legs, slowly burning, creating a slow, curling smoke, soothing my tight muscles. The Elder sat across from me, setting some things on the floor, shadows dancing on the back of my eyelids. Each inhale and exhale rhythmically eased a gentle, almost hypnotic lull of relaxation in my system.
"Are you ready, ad'ika?" She asked, bending my head forward with nimble fingers. Not wanting to interrupt the steady peace, I nodded into her fingers. "Once every week, we commune, voluntarily, with the gods. Sometimes they come forward; other times, they will not. For you, it may not work, but we will try, yes?"
"Yes," I confirmed, understanding that the procedure between Nanek's people and Kad's could be different. It was important to try though. The Elder hummed, pouring a thick liquid. Seconds afterward, she pressed a warm oil to my forehead, bringing her other hand to the back of my head to provide a tight pressure, securing me in place. Oil slid over my brow, soaking off my lashes to drop down my cheeks. Elder Shelda exhaled the sound modulated behind her helm. She muttered Mando'a under her breath, her nimble fingers dancing over my forehead in practiced shapes. We were to do this experience together, neither of us having another holy communicator to reach out to the gods with. She didn't want me to be afraid like I had the first few visions. She wanted to work as my guide, show me how to not fear the gods, and with the Holy Holidays coming soon, I needed to be prepared. Elder Shelda had multiple visions, a week-long marathon of communion with the gods, and it would kill me if I didn't build up the proper stamina. After confessing how exhausted I felt after each vision, it was clear I was not physically or mentally prepared enough.
A shadow flickered behind my eyelid, the odd colors shifting. I knit my eyebrows together. We should be alone. The Elder stopped muttering, reaching down to brush oil over the silvery scar on my palm, and instantaneously, a white-hot jolt of energy zapped from my palm, jittering through my spine. I hissed, opening my eyes.
A blackness arched tall, built like a thick trunk of solidness. It didn't flow, lacking movement, but it wasn't solid. It looked like Arasuum. I flinched as it inched forward, jerking my body from Elder Shelda's. She turned her head towards the blackness, cocking her helm to the side. I turned my hand over and clutched at hers as hard as I could without feeling like I was going to snap her bones. I opened my mouth, but the Elder squeezed my hand, shaking her head. She turned towards me and covered my eyes with her hand; dipping her hand in the oil, she drew more runes over my flesh. The shadow flickered behind my eyes before a third person sat beside us. The hand over my eyes slid down to tap my cheek with two fingers. I opened my eyes and inhaled deeply, the smoke settling deep in my chest.
Nanek sat, just like me, her eyes closed, palms open, resting on her knees. She still wore the silver hair covering, wearing a black dress made of heavy leathers and furs. Her mouth twitched into a slight smile as she reached blindly to grab my knee, greeting me. I sighed with relief that it was just her, and I returned to my original position, grabbing her hand and resting it between us. The Elder began to speak Mando'a, occasionally pausing to listen, but it wasn't Nanek speaking to her.
"She's communicating with my riduur," Nanek explained. I nodded before we slipped into a comfortable silence as the Elder conversed in Mando'a. "Don't you have a question to ask me, ad'ika?" She giggled, gently shifting to shove my shoulder. I did have questions but sifting out what was a needed question versus one that was fear-based had yet to be done. I remained silent, doubting myself, as she squeezed my hand. "I don't bite unless you ask, priestess," Nanek slid thigh to thigh with me and brushed my hair back. I inhaled deeply, letting the incense ease me back into comfort. "There you go, priestess." She guided my head to the crux of her shoulder, resting her hand on the side of my neck. "Take your time."
"Why does this…" I trailed off, sighing as her nails scratched down my throat. My structured thoughts went sideways, floating out to an abyss. It wasn't the incense turning the world sideways in hazy sweet softness… It was her. My question disappeared from my mind as the silence felt just right to settle into.
"Shush, ad'ika. Enjoy this for now," She suggested, pulling away. A selfish whine lodged itself in my throat, but I had enough wit to swallow it back up. "You need to take the incense and burn it, and accustom your family with it." She cradled my head as my eyes closed and guided me to my side, my hearing fading. Her skin didn't burn. It warmed me up, drawing me deeper into sleep. "I'll see you soon, priestess."
I groaned as I pulled the towel from my hair. Three weeks of training after teaching and a crammed meal were killing me. I missed my children, and I missed spending time with Paz and seeing Traj and Isha weekly. Bags creased under my eyes, but as I got used to the god's impact on my body and burned the incense in the home, the easier it became. I still passed out, but my recovery back into consciousness was faster. I came home late, once I regained consciousness enough to walk, crawling into bed as Paz showered, only to be kicked out by him to shower myself, knocking out the smoke stuck in my hair. We slept apart, him keeping to his side of the bed as I quickly crashed… hard. He hasn't held me since we kissed.
Had he only kissed me because of my holiness? Was I only something to be admired because of Nanek? It happened before, so frequently, very few high priestesses were married or had romantic relationships. I half expected Paz to have his fill of me and dismiss me like the others had used the previous priestesses.
I pulled out a new shirt, one of Paz's softer ones, sticking my arms through the sleeves before my head pounded sharply against my skull. Constant headaches, bordering on migraines, came and went last week. Before that, I only ate breakfast, using my lunchtime to plan and catch up on work. What use was it to sit and do nothing if I wasn't hungry? I placed my elbows on the dresser, whimpering as my eyes began to burn from the light. My shower had helped somewhat, but not much.
"Cyare?" Paz gently spoke, the door shutting behind him. My arms collapsed over my chest; the sleeves soft over my arms as I gasped, spine hardening. Water droplets slid down my spine. I looked over my shoulder at him. His shoulders locked in place with his arms crossed over his chest, tense. Seeing him without his full kit of armor felt like trying to write with your nondominant hand- it wasn't wrong, but, in a way, it was. An odd sight, but not an unwelcome one, I decided.
Warmth curled in my lower belly at the sight of him before the light glinted sharply off of his helm. I closed my eyes and grit my teeth, keeping my face from him. I wasn't planning on seeing him tonight, unprepared for the incoming host of questions with my fucking head trying to drive an icepick into my skull.
"Can you close the door?" I muttered, needing the light to go away. Slowly, the darkness engulfed us, enabling me to open my eyes.
"What's wrong, cyare?" Paz touched my shoulder before gathering my hair and scrunching it with the towel I left on the floor to dry up the sopping wetness. I scrunched my nose, digging my nails into the fabric clutched to my chest. "You are in pain. Did you get a med patch?" I shook my head as he stepped away to throw the towel in the laundry. I was glad I wore my more full coverage underwear. His bucket hissed as he removed it, setting it on the dresser.
"Nothing, Alor," I bit quietly before turning to the wall and slipping the shirt on. Paz toed behind me, hands holding my hips as the shirt fell, preserving my modesty.
"Sounds like something to me, mesh'la," He stepped flush against my back, jerking my hips back. I gasped, dwarfed by his figure, his hands seemingly able to engulf the entire curve of my hip. "Want to try that again?" His chest vibrated deep, bordering on a growl, making me shiver. My headache eased slightly from the distraction- thank the gods. His touch felt so fucking divine after so long without it.
"It's just a headache," I grumbled, closing my eyes and leaning into him. "S'fine."
"Looks bad to me, little one," He growled quieter, digging his fingers into my hips. I scoffed, turning in his arms, feeling his warm hands slide up my back, hitching my shirt up to my thighs. "You're not taking care of yourself," His voice softened as one of his hands slid out of the shirt to slide up my neck and cradle my jaw. I closed my eyes, sighing, relaxing into him.
"I'm fine, Paz. I can handle it," I insisted. I didn't need him to take care of me. I could help myself.
"Little one," He growled, stepping forward once.
"The last time I checked, you're not my father, much less my riduur. Back off." I hissed, stepping against his chest. Paz paused for a moment as still as a statue. Heat pulsed in waves through my cheeks as I looked at where his eyes would be, able to only make out the outline of his body. His fingers, now planted on both of my hips, squeezed harder, gripping the fat in his hand; the borderline pain drew a high-pitched gasp from me. My own fingers dug into his thick forearms, anchoring him to me. I didn't want him to let go of me, not after so long apart.
Embarrassment flooded my body at my reaction, but as I stepped back, wide-eyed, he followed. He cornered me into the dresser slowly, watching me for any sign of no. I pressed my lips together as the dresser dug into my back. My heart thumped in my chest in time with my head. I really needed a med patch. Paz pulled my hips up, so I straddled his massive thigh, propped closer to him. Placing my hands on his chest, my breath lodged in my throat as I looked from under my lashes, waiting to see what he would do. Slowly, he took the back of my head and curled me into his body, setting his forehead on my neck. Out of instinct, I closed my eyes and buried my face in his neck, welcoming the warmth.
"Where did your fight go, mesh'la?" He grinned against my skin, his breath against my skin creating shivers to dance along my spine. Rolling my eyes, I opened my mouth, but he tilted his chin to plant a soft kiss under my ear, removing any semblance of a sarcastic remark. His rough hair tickled my skin, making me giggle, drawing into a gasp as he sucked gently, biting at the skin. Sparks of light fluttered behind my eyelids, arousal pooling between my thighs. My bones liquified, curling into Paz's figure like water in a glass. A gasp twisted from my throat as he slowly drew my hip forward, leading me to grind on his thigh. I melted at the relief pushing back as he flexed his thigh, urging me to use him for what I wanted. His hands flexed around my underwear, curious to the skin it hid. I closed my eyes, floating in the push and pull, slick gathering between my thighs. I wanted him to take them off.
"So fucking wet, fuck," Paz grunted, pressing into my body. He was everywhere. He reached around my back to pull my back off of the desk, making me whine, feeling the friction simmer low in my belly. I swore, tilting my head down to rest the crown of my head on his chest. On my own, I pressed selfishly for more, pushing, pushing, pushing.
I could only smell Paz, feel Paz, see him. It spun my head around and around. The growing warmth plateaued, my head thumping in time to my racing heart. I whimpered out of frustration and pain. As my chest heaved, Paz eased me on the floor. I closed my eyes and hung my head, waiting for the room to stop spinning as my head thumped louder than a war drum. But my hands kept him near, winding around his torso, pulling him into a hug. An apology danced on my lips, but I had nothing to apologize for- these things happened. I rested my forehead on his peck, his hand soothing down my hair. He quickly slipped on his bucket and tapped something on the side, bringing my chin up to look at him.
"Do you want me to get a med patch?" Paz whispered, rubbing his finger over my temples in soothing stroaks. Our bedroom door opened, Mila peeking her little head in. I pulled my head up to peak around his broad shoulders.
"Mama, have you seen my bunny?" Mila groggily asked in the doorway.
"Dank farrik." Paz calmly slid his hands back down my sides with soothing reverence. He brushed my hair back before he tapped his helm against my temple. I pushed back.
"I can help her, buir," I muttered as he stepped away but he shook his head, stubborn as ever.
"Did you check the chairs, cyar'ika?" He asked, turning to our daughter. Her eyes narrowed, her little nose scrunching up. He tilted his helm at her as she ignored him. It was unusual for her to act like that. "Mila," Paz touched her back to guide her out of the room, but she stubbornly refused to move, a trait she was accumulating from both Paz and I. I kicked myself. Modeling good behaviors was important. What was I showing her? "Didn't you leave it on the table?" Paz knelt beside her, his shoulders tight. My stomach shifted, warning me of something wrong between the two of them.
"I don't want you! I asked mama!" Her little eyes welled up with tears as she crossed her arms, turning her back on him. My heart clenched uncomfortably while I pushed off the dresser. I nodded at Paz, silently offering my hand for her to take. She took it as we ventured into the common room, stopping to tug at my hand in the middle of the room. I furrowed my brow at her, kneeling down to her level.
Tears slowly puckered and slid down her twisted face as she sniffled. To sooth her, I took her hand, sliding my thumb over her knuckles. I inhaled deeply, squeezing her hand, loudly exhaling, easing the tension. She picked up on it quickly, slowly putting her emotions back in check so she could speak
"I know where bunny is." She muttered, her eyes not looking at me. I brushed back her hair from her face.
"Why did you ask about it then, sweetheart?" I whispered, sitting on my haunches, so she overlooked me, the stiffness in my joints becoming uncomfortable. She sniffled again.
"I didn't want Buir Paz to know about it." My eyes narrowed. What was she so afraid of? My stomach clenched at the possibilities. So many new people had come into our lives, had one of them hurt her? She looked fine, tired, but delicate nevertheless. Kids were resilient, tough, courageous things that would come out of hellfire, and I knew it because I saw it over the years, and I was that child. But there were such traumas in existence that held enough power to level out the spirit, leaving them fumbling and disoriented.
"What didn't you want Buir Paz to find out about?" I prompted, taking both hands in mine. "Take your time."
"Bad dreams," She muttered, tears flowing freely by now. I cooed, brushing off her tears with the lightest of touches. "I," hiccup. "Didn't," hiccup. "Want him to know." Hiccup. I waited out her tears until they were sniffles, watching Paz emerge with her little stuffed bunny in his hand from the hall. He tilted his helm, asking what was going on. I shook my head, waving him off. He nodded and set the bunny down before kneeling beside me. He shifted my hair and placed the patch on the back of my neck. I thanked him, grabbing his hand to squeeze before he disappeared back down the hall, trusting me with his daughter.
"I have bad dreams too, sometimes," I gently said. I let a pause gather before speaking so Mila could process on her own terms. "It helps when I talk about it, but only when you're ready." She nodded and drew herself up tall- my little Mandalorian.
"There was a scary man," She mumbled. I knit my eyebrows together as she continued, a bad feeling curdling in my stomach. "A woman with stars on her dress helped me. She was really mad at him." The tears slowly slid down her face, leaving glimmering tracks of wetness. I was careful not to show any emotion on my face, remaining passive to not add more stress on her. Fury blazed in my bones, blood rushing to my face. If that price of bantha shit god communed with my daughter, my family, there would be hell to pay.
"Did she have a silverish head covering?" I whispered, waiting on bated breath. She nodded, my insides painfully twisting hot inside my chest. I was older than her when Nanek first whispered greetings to me. At Mila's age, though, it was almost unheard of. Nine or ten was the youngest I had heard of. But at least Nanek kept her from Arasuum.
"Her name is Nanek," I inhaled sharply and plastered a pleasant closed-lipped smile on my face. "She means well. Listen to her. Okay? Did the scary man hurt you?" I brushed my hand over her cheeks, drying the remaining tears.
"No. She took me away from him." I nodded and allowed my shoulders to sink.
"Okay. If you see him again, tell me. Okay?" She nodded and picked up her bunny. "Why didn't you want to tell Buir Paz?"
"She told me not to tell anyone, but I was scared," She paused and looked at her feet. "Does that make me a hut'uun, mama?" I closed my eyes and exhaled, immediately shaking my head.
"No. Come here." I took her little cheeks between my hands and tilted her forehead to mine. "Being afraid is to be human. It is what you do despite your fear. You, my daughter, are mandokarla. You have courage running in the same veins as your blood. Do you understand me?" She nodded stiffly. "Good. Hold your chin high." I tapped under her chin, smiling. She giggled and put her little hands on my cheeks to do the same back to me. Laughing, I ducked under her arms, throwing her over my shoulder.
"No! Put me down!" She wheezed between giggles and words, flailing so much, I had to lay her on the floor, plopping down beside her. She rolled over and wrapped her arms around my neck and I kissed her hair, squeezing her tight.
"Do you want me to tuck you back in?" I whispered. Mila shook her head.
"Can we sleep here? You're soft." I snorted at her, my chest warming at her sweetness.
"No. You'll wake up sore, little mythosaur," I advised. Nodding, Mila sat up and grabbed her rabbit.
"I'll go to bed on my own. I'm a mythosaur. Rawr!" She flitted down the hall, waving her arms. I grinned, took a deep breath before standing up, making my way back into my bedroom.
I cooked my head to the side, seeing Paz sitting inside the door frame, in earshot of the living area. His knees were bent, making him smaller, with his head tucked in between them. After closing the door, I sat down beside him, sighing. My shoulders brushed his, noticing how they trembled. I closed my eyes, reaching to hold his hand.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, guilt inching up my throat. "Three weeks is a long time. I should have been here." Paz shook his head and pulled away to take off his bucket in the darkness. He pulled my hips swiftly over his so I straddled his lap. And as I did with Mila, I gently brushed the light tear tracks from his eye with the softest touch I could muster, hoping he would understand if I could be at home, I would, but I couldn't. Paz reached behind my thighs, shuffling me closer, bracketing my thighs around his hips.
"It's been a long few weeks without you, mesh'la," He whispered, resting his forehead on my chest. My own hands came to soothe over his short-cropped, rough hair. "I missed you."
"I missed you too," I whispered, tears pricking in my own eyes in part of my own exhaustion and guilt, and in part of the high emotional turbulance my family went through. "I'm sorry," I placed a kiss on the crown of his head, the tight curls tickling my skin. "Elder Shelda thinks I'll be coming home earlier from here on out. Until then, what can I do to help?" Paz reached his hands down to my thighs and squeezed, his fingers dancing along the plushness of my body. In the words of Mila, I was soft. Soft things were not common in such a hard life.
Everything I make balances Kad's creations. Where there is hard, there must be soft. You are no exception, priestess.
Nanek wasn't wrong. Mandos tended to hoard them in more ways than one. Children liked their uj cake. Mila had her bunny. Elder Shelda liked her incense. Paz had his furs… and apparently liked the softness of my chest too- typical.
"If you make it back in time for bedtime, will you tuck Mila in? She's been… resistant to me helping her." He drug his nose up to the collar of my shirt to touch my bare skin. I shivered, curling into him now that the cold of night settled heavy.
"It's not you, Paz. You're a great buir to our ade." I leaned my head back and yawned, trying my best to conceal it.
"Not as good as you, cyare." He leaned up, placing a sweet kiss on my cheek. My face warmed slightly at the compliment and affection. I held his jaw, my thumb brushing along his lower lip so I could kiss him briefly.
"How much did you overhear?" I whispered, pulling away slightly.
"All of it. Do you mind?" He brushed his fingers up and down my forearm. I shook my head, our noses touching.
"I was going to talk to you about it anyways. I'm afraid for Mila," I admitted, sliding my hand to his chest. He covered my hand with his, pressing slightly so I could feel his heart beat in a steady rhythm.
"Like you said, she's our little Mythosaur- tough like her mother," His hand squeezed mine. "She'll be fine. Ask Elder Shelda if we need to burn more incense or if there is a way we can guide her." Paz wrapped his arms around my hips and pulled me into his chest as he sank down. I giggled, surprised by his ability to shift me like a doll, bracing my hands on his chest, hovering over him. His approval hummed through my body as his hands slid up my bare thighs. "This is a pretty view." His thumb slid under the band of my underwear, gliding over my hip. Heat rushed through my face, and I hid it away by placing my forehead on his chest.
"You can't even see me-"
"Doesn't matter. You're still beautiful." Propping up on his forearm, he kissed me slowly, chasing me to assure his honest compliment stuck with me. His big smile came and went as we slowly, tiredly, took our time. His hands slid intentionally over my skin, finding ways to touch me that elicited sighs or jolts of ticklishness. I basked in his attention, sucking it up like desperate breaths. He broke off the kiss to breathe, but I tilted my head down, searching for ways to make him groan and shudder.
Paz sat up after a few well placed bites, shuffled me in his lap, pressing his forehead to mine. Each of his exhales danced across my face, as mine did his. In his arms, in his lap, there were no expectations or responsibilities here. Only a warming cradle of companionship. He rubbed his nose against mine for a moment, lighter than a kitten's breath, before laying down with me to sleep, wrapping his thick and scarred arms around my soft skin. He would protect the clan. He would protect my family. He would protect me.
Klon and Mila raced down the narrow hall, Isha and I sitting by her family's front door, keeping a loose eye on the pair. The day had been easy-going, and Elder Shelda had given me the evening off with a monthly clan leader meeting tonight for the alors to participate in. All Elders attended the meeting, as did Paz, Traj as his second.
"Klon has come a long way since you've taken up the bajura post," Isha spoke, her helm trained on her son. I smiled at him. Klon's progress was remarkable, one of the fastest growing kids in my class. I doubted that it was because of me though.
"He's a good kid- just has more energy than he knows what to do with right now… Don't worry. I'm sure Traj will exhaust him during training in a few years." Isha chuckled, shouting in Mando'a as Klon cheated in game, waving her hand slowly.
"Traj tries his best. Paz will be the one to exhaust him, though. When Klon stayed in your quarters last month, he came back and almost fell asleep standing up," She chuckled, resting her arms on her knees. Paz, somehow with as much energy as the children, played with them, clearing the furniture with Riker to provide an open space to wrestle with the younger two. At the same time, Riker and I ate in the kitchen, discussing the newest development in his friend group.
"He's good with them," I muttered, brushing my hair off my shoulder. Isha inhaled sharply, slowly letting her legs slide in front of her, bringing her hands to her stomach. I knit my eyebrows. "Are you okay?"
"For now, no. But I will be. We found out I'm pregnant." Isha exhaled slowly again and pulled her legs back in. While the news inherently felt exciting, she seemed timid, apprehensive of it.
"How do you feel about it? Does Traj know?" I asked. She shrugged before Klon tripped and fell, laughing it off. I wasn't sure if he felt pain seeing him slam into walls and floors so often at full speed.
"It's always a bit scary, but exciting. He knows. I told him last evening." She tilted her head back. "When I was pregnant with Klon, I had some complications. Traj and I agreed to try…." She trailed off, looking at the end of the hall. "Karking hells. What are they doing here?" The Oddu clan parents rounded the corner, Klon grabbing Mila's arm to pull her to the side, out of the way.
"Oh, Nanek help me," I grumbled, glancing back at Isha, who typed a message out on her com. "Should I message Paz?"
"Already did," She tapped the side of her bucket. "He and Traj are on their way. Try not to get your ass kicked again by Enas." I rolled my eyes at her and stood to greet the parents, plastering a pleasant smile that felt more like a grimace.
"Do you make it a habit to teach blasphemy to our tribe's ade, Bajura?" Enas, the mother of Rubiel, hissed as she approached. With a quick reach and a crinkle of leather, she grabbed my shirt collar and shoved me against the wall with momentum. My back hit the wall with an oof, the air hissing out of my lungs. Fucking Mandalorians always gearing to fight.
"You'll have to be more specific, Enas," I replied in a flat tone, trying to be diplomatic. She shoved her forearm against my throat. The pressure squeezed closed my air pipe uncomfortably, not enough to choke me, but enough to remind me that she would absolutely kill me if she had to, if she wanted to.
I won't let her kill you. Stop being so dramatic, priestess.
Nanek stood a ways off, standing between the Oddus and Mila. My daughter clutched the goddesses' skirts, watching, with Klon standing beside Mila. Nanek nodded slowly at me.
"Rubiel said you told her she needed to stop hitting other children. She's defending herself, aruetii. Aren't you a holy woman who supposedly communes with the gods? Or are you just some whore who slept with an idiot in power?" My jaw fell to the fucking basement of the nine hells below as my mind boggled, grasping at several straws to form some sort of response.
Traj rounded the corner first down the hall, ushering the ade from the scene. Mila glanced at Nanek and I, moving only after Nanek touched her shoulder towards the hall and thankfully, she left without an argument.
"She wasn't defending herself. She was upset about her writing and punched the nearest thing, her tablemate. Learning emotional control isn't blasphemous." I explained. Rubiel had impulse issues, and if her parents couldn't understand that, they were enforcing the behavior, which was wrong. Enas' leather crinkled as she shifted her weight against my neck. I sucked in a deep breath as the pressure intensified. Enas didn't like what I had to say, which was fine. But it was the truth. Rubiel needed it to be said on her behalf.
"Do I need to drag you before the elders again, Enas, for assaulting the tribe's Bajura?" Traj hissed, stomping towards us. Paz knelt back towards the corner, talking to Klon. The nervous energy gathering in my belly leveled out at the sight of his armor alone.
"She's teaching our ade to be weak. She shouldn't be a bajura," Enas pressed even more on my neck. Blood pumped into my ears.
"Tilt your chin down, child," Nanek coached, guiding my chin down, opening my airways while I croaked.
"Enas, ease up on her," Isha warned, slowly standing. My eyes stung, but I would not cry.
"The Vizsla's Alor has chosen an aruetii for a wife, a defenseless bitch. Do you know what defenseless bitches breed?" Enas turned her helm towards me. The pressure tightened as I leaned in, snarling.
"I wouldn't know. Seems like something more in your wheelhouse." My voice sounded hoarse, each phonic sound a painful push of air.
"Enough!" Paz interfered. "Enas, get your hands off of her before Traj brings you before the Elders again." The pressure on my throat eased as she stepped back. I whistled in a breath through my teeth, Isha grabbing my forearms as I stumbled off the wall, Nanek holding me steady as well.
"A clan full of cowards," Nanek hissed in my ear.
"You're a disgrace to your ancestor's name, Alor Vizsla," Enas' Riduur muttered. Paz's helm slowly rolled to the side facing him. I grit my teeth and stepped forward, but Isha kept me back, shaking her head.
"Don't come to my doorstep and karking insult my clan," Traj growled, stepping forward. I held tightly to Isha's arm, wanting to interfere. "Your wife has said her piece. Now, leave, before the elders get involved." Enas turned her helm up with an indignant huff, stomping off with her husband on her heels.
The four of us watched them round the corner, our ade stepping out of the shadows and Isha letting go of me. I sighed, buzzing my lips, watching Paz closely. His shoulders locked, heaving. His bucket hyper fixated on a single spot on the floor. I moved forward, but Nanek touched my shoulder with a shake of her head.
"Hey, do not fucking listen to them," Traj hissed, tapping the cheek of Paz's bucket, the smack landed hard enough to shove the bucket a bit. "They're ignorant cowards." Paz shrugged him off as Nanek slid beside him, using two fingers to turn his head to the side. My gut churned sourly as Paz, my Alor, turned his bucket directly at me, making the blood fall from my face.
I dropped my eyes to the floor and clasped my hands in front of myself. This was my fault. I swallowed, grimacing, as my throat burned, a harsh reminder of the very real consequences of our actions. What were we even doing together? Getting involved with Paz made everything more complicated and stupid and the clan politics made it risky. We weren't even married. What would happen if we couldn't make our relationship work? Would Paz kick me out of the covert? What would happen if Paz found a more ideal woman? A woman who could fight? Who could protect herself and her clan? I couldn't do either. He would keep the ade in his care, which would be better. I wasn't that great of a mother to begin with. How could one even be a mother without birthing or adopting?
A gloved hand clasped under my chin, lifting it. Paz let his fingers trail over the front of my neck, staring at it intensely. Shaking his head, he bent down to press his forehead to mine, his hand reaching to hold the back of my neck.
"It's not your fault, little one," He hissed protectively. I shook my head, pressing my lips together.
"I'm causing problems,"
"You are not causing problems. You are not a problem. Those hut'uun are the fucking problem," He growled, pressing into me. I gasped and would have darted my eyes to our cousins if I could see around Paz. "Look at me, ad'ika." I glanced up from under my lashes at him. "You're a karking Vizsla by," He froze, fingertips digging further into my neck before realizing how tight his grip was. I blinked, realizing he was going to say by marriage. And that wasn't true. I was the aruetii, outsider. Nanek slid behind Paz, rolling her eyes at us.
"By what, Paz?" I whispered, challenging him. He tilted his helm to the side, matching my own head tilt.
"By my word, until it can be by my actions," He whispered, my heart catching on the next beat. My mouth moved a few times, trying to find a response, finally settling on a nod.
"Paz, we have to go back to the meeting," Traj spoke up. Paz nodded, still watching me.
"You heard Enas. I'm an aruetii. You can't marry an outsider. It will diminish your family name. You can't risk that," I muttered, my hands coming to rest on his stomach.
"You shouldn't doubt yourself," He bent his head to tap my forehead with his. "I'll be late tonight. I'll see you in the morning, little one. Okay?" I nodded, disappointed but understanding. The meeting was, after all, one day out of a month and more important with the Holy Holidays approaching.
"Yeah. Good luck, Alor." I pushed against him before he walked away, leaving me with Isha and our ade.