I don't know the reason Liv and her mother have such an estranged relationship. Maybe it was because they were both so much a like. The same nit picking and attitude. Liv absolutely hates hanging out with her mother and if she could she would have no probem getting out of this dinner. That's why we were arguing.
"Just call her and tell her Lilly is sick" she exclaimed for the hundredth time.
"I'm not sick mommy" lilly came running into the room wearing a yellow sundress that matched the one Liv had yet to put on. She had her hair pulled into two dirty blonde pigtails with butterfly clips in them. She was the cutest thing I have ever seen.
"Exactly, see Liv she isn't sick and I am not calling your mother." I was fully dressed. I had on a button down yellow dress shirt that matched the girls' dresses and a pair of black khaki pants. We were waiting on Olivia. She had come up with everything in the book to try and get out of this dinner. The only thing left was to fake some illness but i'm sure she would pull that one out of the hat later.
She was currently standing in a pair of skimpy shorts and a sports bra with a full face of makeup throwing a temper tantrum.
"Mommy are you gonna get dressed or go like that?" Lilly asked with a skeptical look on her face. I smiled down at her and lifted her into my arms.
Liv looked at the two of us before throwing her hands up in defeat.
"Fine, whatever I'll go but the second I hear a B-I-T-C-H-Y comment come out of her mouth I am leaving." she spelt out the words so that our darling daughter wouldn't repeat them.
"Great I will go start the car. I want you down there in five minutes." I demanded knowing that if I didn't give her a time she would be up here all night just so we could purposely miss the dinner.
"F-U-C-K you fitz" she mumbled under her breathe.
"What does that mean?" Lilly asked as I turned to leave.
"Nothing bug." she rolled her eyes as I let out a chuckle.
Tonight was going to be GREAT.
I got Lilly hooked into her car seat and got into the car, awaiting Liv's arrival.
"Listen sweetie, I need you to be extra nice to mommy tonight. I know I am your favorite but tonight it has to be mommy." I added the last part just for kicks.
"That will be easy" she said.
"Go-"
"Mommy is my favorite, not you silly." She let out a little laugh.
I would have been hurt by her words if she wasn't so damn cute.
Liv yanked open the door and huffed her way into the car.
"Lets get this over with." she plugged her seatbelt in and we were off.
It was about a good thirty minutes until we arrived at the gate leading to her parents house.
I turned the Disney music down and rolled my window down.
"What's the code again?"
I looked at her and noticed the funny color she was.
"I don't feel to good. Can we go home?"
I gave myself a mental high five.
"No, we cant go home. We are going to do this and we are going to do it together. I grabbed her hand and gave it a small squeeze before I turned my attention back to the code.
"Now whats the code?"
"I don't remember?" she said with a sigh.
"I guess we have to go home then". I rolled my window up and pretended to turn around.
"Really?!" she clapped her hands together.
I hit the brakes and rolled my window back down.
"No of course not, call and ask for the code." she rolled her eyes and sucked her teeth at me.
"I hate you, you know that?"
"I love you too." I smiled at her.
She dug in her purse before she came up with a small receipt paper.
"9055" I typed in the code and the gates opened revealing her parents home. Or should I say mansion.
I glanced back at Lilly who was sleeping. She had missed her nap today and I did feel bad that she couldn't be in bed right now. We had been on a schedule, a schedule that was now messed up completely. Her seven o'clock bed time would have to be stretched tonight.
it was like Liv could read my mind.
"Babe she is asleep. We need to get this done as fast as possible" She was freaking out and in return it was stressing me out. I put the car in park and looked at her.
"Why didn't we just tell her?" I asked
"We had crazy schedules telling people wasn't really important. The only reason your mother knows was because we needed someone to watch her while we were both at work and she was the closest." She recited the lie we had came up with together perfectly.
"No the real reason, why didn't we just call her and tell her like I did my mother?"
She looked at me like I had told her world war three was happening.
"Because Fitzgerald She would have made something off it. Just like she is going to now." She rolled her eyes and put her head in her hands.
A glint of light flashed grabbing my attention. Her parents had the door opened and could be seen standing there. I let out a breathe, so it begans.
"Don't look now but we have an audience." I said plastering a fake smile on my face.
"Are you fucking kidding me" she mumbled into her hands.
"Hey watch your mouth" I scolded her with a smile on my face.
She pulled her head up slowly. the fake smile plastered on her face perfectly.
"She is asleep Fitz" she rolled her eyes but kept the smile.
I leaned towars her and kissed her temple.
"We have got this baby, stop stressing"
She smiled at me, a real genuine Olivia Grant smile.
"I love you. No matter what happens in there remember that, okay?"
"You're being dramatic. But I love you too." I gave her one more kiss before I opened my car door.
"I will get our bundle of joy. You grab the diaper bag."
Thankfully, Lilly used the bathroom when she needed to but sometimes in extreme circumstances she would wet herself. So we keep her in diapers for the most part.
"Yes sir" she mumbled under her breathe as she got out of the car.
What the hell is her problem today?
I unbuckled Lilly from her car seat and she started to stir.
Her blue eyes slowly started to show past her eye lids. she looked around with a confused look on her face.
"Hey baby we are here." she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and blinked a few time before she finally comprehended what we were saying.
Once she did her eyes opend wider and she started to smie.
"Really!" she smiled bright at me as she got out of her seat and pulled her dress hands went to her hair, smoothing out the bumps that didn't even exist.
"How do I look daddy?"
Why was everyone so nervous? Had they both lost their minds today?
"You look very cute sweetheart." I said confidently, apparently it wasn't the right thing to say.
her nose crinkled in disgust "Cute? that's all?"
Olivia came up behind me holding the diaper bag. "What's wrong?".
I turned to look at her, this was her fault she was putting her stress onto Lilly.
"Your daughter isn't okay with lookng cute." I said barley keeping my laughter at a minnum.
"Daddy it isn't funny!" lilly protested.
Liv gave me the go to hell look so I stopped immediately.
Olivia pushed me out of the way and stood infront of lilly who was still in the car.
"Pumkin you look perfect. Just like Mommy."
Lilly still looked upset.
"Daddy do you think I look perfect?" two sets of eyes were trained on me.
"Yes, of course without a doubt." that seemed to have done it because she jumped out of the car and stretched her hands up for me to carry her. I happily obliged.
I settled her on my right hip and grabbed Olivia's hand with my free one.
We started the short walk to her parents door.
Olivia didn't speak and neither did Lilly.
The two chatty kathys were silent that's how you knew this was serious.
When we were still out of earshot I whispered to them.
"Will you two lighten up? it's just dinner."Lilly spoke first "I don't want them to hate me daddy"
That broke my heart.
"Bug no One is going to the you, I promise and if you don't like it then we can go home." Olivia smiled brightly at our daughter.
"Okay, I love you Mommy."
"I love you baby"
They had no problem talking to one another.
"I really feel the love guys" I said with a smile.
"We love you too baby" liv reassured me.
"Yeah BIGGG time." Lilly gave my cheek a kiss.
"I love you guys too" I squeezed Liv's hand.
I gave her one last glance before we were close enough to the door to make conversation.
"Well look who showed up." Maya checked her watch. "Thirty minutes late. I guess better late than never." That was her first dig. Olivia coiled up and looked like she was ready to run back to the car and lock herself in there.
"That would be my fault I had a work call, sorry" I smiled brightly at her mother.
"Hello Fitzgerald" Eli stretched his hand out to mine and I briefly disconnected my hand from Olivia's to shake it firmly before going back to my earlier position.
"Hey Eli, its good to see you again."
Lilly had yet to turn and look at them, she had her head buried into my neck and her eyes closed. To anyone that didn't know her it would appear as if she was sleeping.
"Hi Mom and Dad" liv finally spoke up.
"Hey sweetie" Eli said before hugging her. Once again our hands were disconnected But only for a second.
"Why don't you come in?" Maya stepped aside and we entered the foyer.
We stood the awkwardly for a minute, no one speaking just all staring at the baby pretending to sleep in my arms.
"Mom, Dad this is Lilly our daughter." Liv said breaking the silence.
The gasp that came from Maya's mouth was noted.
Lilly perked up at the sound of her name. She turned and smiled brightly at them.
"Hi!" she waved at them before settling her head on my shoulder. She still had a clear view of her grandparents from her current position.
"It is so nice to meet you" Maya smiled back at her before cutting her eyes at Liv "Finally".
"Also my fault. I have been so busy with work and My mom was just clos-"
"You don't have to take the blame I'm sure my daughter had the most to do with that decision." She cut me off.
As If on cue Lilly's stomach growled "Mommy, I'm hungry".
Eli smiled "Great then lets eat."
Dinner was going smoothly.
Lilly kept the conversation most of the time, which none of the adults minded.
Liv ate her food quietly unless Lilly directed a question at her.
Once we were all finished we moved onto dessert.
"Olivia could you help with the cake?" Maya asked.
"Sure" Olivia got up and followed her into the kitchen.
I glanced at the door. I knew there was more to that then just getting the ake.
"She will be fine" Eli spoke up.
I looked back at him and smiled shyly.
"I just worry about her." I pushed the food around on the plate infront of me.
"Is something wrong with mommy?" Lilly asked glancing back and forth between Eli and me.
"No bug she is fine." she looked at Eli for an answer.
"He is right, she will be back soon." He let out a laugh and I felt the weight on my shoulders slowly being lifted off.
"So you're my mommys Daddy?" Lilly asked as she took a sip of the apple juice infront of her.
"Yes, I am"
She turned her head to the side and peered at him.
"You don't look like my mommy" she said after moments of silence.
We both laughed at the blue eyed blonde hair girl sitting across from us.
"I'm afraid she got her mama looks." Lilly continued to stare at him.
"Lily it's rude to stare." I reprimanded her softly.
"Sorry Daddy." She went back to her juice.
"So who is the mom?" I had waited for this question all evening.
"Her name was Mellie" I was quick to respond.
"Was?" he questioned.
"My mom died" Lilly spoke up unphased by the words and there impact on other people.
Eli gave her a sad smile and turned back to me.
"I'm sorry to here that. how did she pass away?"
I prayed Olivia's conversation was going better than mine.
"Olivia that girl is not your child."
I heard her the first hundred times she had said it.
"Mom she is and if you continue to say other wise we are leaving." I stood from the bar stool and made my way to the door.
"Olivia sit your ass back down and do not raise your voice at me." I felt like I was six again. I made my way back to the stool and sat down.
"She isn't your daughter. You cant loose one and substitute it for another."
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I could feel the tears prickling my eyes.
"When are you going to have a baby for yourself?" I could feel her looking at me but I couldn't bring my self to meet her gaze.
This is why I hated coming home. This is why I hated my mother.
"This is why I didn't tell you." I murmured.
"Speak up Olivia." she demanded the tone in her voice made me jump.
"This is why I didn't tell you." I said louder.
"I knew you would ruin this. Mom I am happy. I love Lilly and she is just as much my daughter as she is Fitz's. You don't get to tell me how to live my life. I am not a kid anymore. This is my life. this is my family and you know what you are no longer apart of that. Lilly is better off without you." I stood from the stool for the second time that night and went to the door. I could feel the hot tears pouring down my face.
"I am better off without you." I gave her one last glance before I stormed out of the door.
When I walked into the dining room and all eyes were on me.
I met fitz's gaze.
"Liv?" he shot up from his seat.
and seconds later he was by my side.
"We are leaving." I picked lilly up and put her on my hip.
"Mommy whats wrong?"
"Olivia?"
"Livvie whats happening?" Everyone was asking me questions but all I wanted to do was leave.
I grabbed the diaper bag and threw it over my shoulder.
"Olivia Pope you are not leaving." My mothers voice could be heard above all the others.
Lilly jumped in my arms and started to cry.
"Grant, Mother my name has been Grant for the past year." I went to the door grabbing my purse and throwing it over the same shoulder.
Everything was in the way. I had the diaper bag spilling out and my purse being pulled by Lillys leg, who was screaming and crying in my ear.
That's when I felt his hand on my lower back. The world stopped. The yelling from my mother, the pleading from my father and the sobs form my daughter all faded into the back ground.
I felt his breath next to my ear.
"We can leave but I need you to calm down, you are scaring Lilly."
"Sorry" I took a deep breathe.
"Don't apologize, just hand me the bags and we can go."
I took the bags off my shoulder and handed them to him.
He never removed the hand from my back. He directed me to the car and put the bags in first. Before he took the sobbing Lilly from my hands and put her in the car.
My mother was still yelling from the door but I paid no attention to that. I didn't pay attention to anything except Fitzgerald's hans in mine.
I waited until we were out of the gates to apologize.
"Fitz i'm so sor-"
"Don't" his voice was firm.
Lilly was still crying but the ear splitting screams were replaced with silent sobs.
"Lily. baby it's okay." I tried to calm her down but it wasn't working.
"Fitz, she is scaring me." Lilly was beganing to hypervenalte.
He glanced back at her before returning his gaze to the road.
"Lilly, are you okay?" He asked but she made no effort to respond.
This was my fault.
"Pull over." I unhooked my seat bet.
"Olivia what are you doing?" before he could finish his question I was crawling into the back seat.
I squatted in front of Lilly and grabbed her hands.
"Lilly, mommy needs you to calm down okay?" She shook her head.
Atleast she was acknowledging me.
"I am sorry you got scared. But mommy and daddy are okay, most importantly you are okay." Her tears started to come slower and she was breathing mre regurally.
"Pumkin, everything is going to be okay. We never have to go back."
I took in her appearance. Her yellow dress was crunched up around her thighs, her hair was falling out of the pony tails and her face was red. her eyes were bloodhost and swlen and her face was still tear stained.
"okay mommy" she hiccupped out.
I smoothed the hair that was sticking to her face out of the way and gave her nose a kiss.
Fitz had the car parked on the side of some road I didn't recognie.
He pulled the door open and came to the rescue.
"Hey bug, You okay?" he grabbed one of her hands and gave it a squeeze.
"I don't" She paused for a second to take a deep breathe "Like yelling."
Who does?
"We know sweetie, there is no more yelling." Fitz smiled down at her.
"We promise" I added.
She stopped crying and took a deep breathe.
"I'm okay now" she smiled at the both of us.
It was amazing how kids bounced back.
I rode in the seat next to her all the way home.
I knew this was bad and it was my fault, even if Fitz would tell me it wasn't.
We pulled into our drive way and Fitz parked the car.
I told him I would get Lilly, who had fallen asleep, out of the car.
He didn't object instead he grabbed my purse and the diaper bag and we made our way into the house.
I put Lilly straight to be I knew she was exhausted physically and emotionally.
I took her out of her dress and threw one of her night gowns on before tucking her into bed.
I watched her from the door for a minute. The guilt weighed deep. Once again I was the reason she was upset.
I get Fitz wrap his hands around my waist.
"She is okay." He stayed as if he knew exactly what I was thinking.
He kissed my temple but didn't mak an effort to move.
I was silent because I knew she wasn't.
So he continued "She has to loving parents, a warm bed and a stomach full of food. What more could a girl want?" He was trying to be playful but my day had already been so stressful and I really wasn't in the mood.
I removed his hands form my waist and walked to our room.
He followed close behind me.
"Olivia."
I ignored him and went to my dresser looking for pajamas.
There was none and I knew that because I had yet to do fucking laundry. Just another thing to add to the list of my fuck ups.
"Olivia?" This time it was a question.
I still said nothing
I settled on one of his shirts and a pair of panties.
He watched me go to his closet and grab a shirt but said nothing. At least not until he saw me headed to the bathroom.
"So now you are ignoring me?" He asked stepping infront of the bathroom door blocking my way.
"Will you stop acting like you are two?"
I rolled my eyes and tried to move him out of the way.
He didn't budge.
"She speaks" he said in his sarcastic tone which only pissed me off even more.
"I want to go to bed will you move." My anger was evident in my voice. I wasn't mad at him, not really.
"What did your mom say?" He asked changing the topic.
"I don't want to talk about it" I raised my voice and threw my hands into the air.
"You don't get to shut me out. What she said had you in tears. So tell me."
"What part of I don't want to talk about it don't you understand? I spit out the words with more anger than I intended.
I watched him physically flinch at my harsh words.
He moved away form the door and I stormed into the bathroom slamming the door behind me.
I could hear him getting ready for bed.
I overeacted.
I know I overeacted.
So I would have to be the bigger person`.
Which was hard for me because well.
I'm me.
I got ready for bed. Took my clothes off and threw them in the hamper before I slipped on Fitz's shirt and then I brushded my teeth and washed my face.
I threw my hair up in a bun and looked in the mirror.
I had dark bags around my eyes.
Probably from the lack of sleep.
And my eyes were puffy.
From the crying I presumed.
But Fitz still loves me.
I let that sink in for a minute.
The fact that it wasn't Fitz against me it was me and Fitz against the problem.
We were a team.
I smiled at myself before opening the door and leaving the bathroom.
I glanced around the room.
My water was on the night stand, my slippers were placed perfectly on my side of the bed and the closet door was shut.
I let my mom get in between us.
She won.
Fitz was lying underneath the blankets, his back turned to me.
I went to my side of the bed and got in.
He didn't make an effort to turn and hold me.
"Fitz"
I knew he wasn't sleeping.
"Fitz?"
I snuggled into his back and ran my cold feet up his calves.
"Jesus Olivia" he pulled back away from me.
I knew he wasn't sleeping.
I sat up, crossing my legs and waited for him to look at me.
He never did.
"Fitz I wanna talk."
"Olivia twenty minutes ago you wanted to go to sleep." he pulled the blankets around his neck and snuggled deeper into the bed.
He had the right to be angry. I knew that. With every thing that was going on right now I knew he was stressed. Once again he was taking care of me.
"I know and I am sorry but I need to really talk."
He didn't move for a second.
He threw the blankets off of him in a dramatic effect and planted his feet on the floor before turning on his bedside lamp.
Suddenly his half naked torso could be seen.
He stood up, I watched as he readjusted the comforter before he sat back down this time facing me.
I just stared at his blue eyes.
They spoke volume to what he was feeling.
Defeat, worry, love and my least favorite anger.
"If I cry just ignore me okay?" I knew I was going to cry and I just needed him not to baby me.
"Olivia." he stated exasperated.
"What did your mom say." he grabbed my hand and rubbed his thumb across the smooth surface of my palm.
I felt the flood gates opening at his small simple gesture.
I made myself busy with anything just so I could keep my eyes off of him.
"A lot of stuff." I rolled my eyes thinking back to what she said.
"Like what." he asked, I could feel him staring at me but I couldn't bring myself to met his gaze.
"Lilly wasn't my daughter." I whispered ashamed that I had let her words get to me. I let a single tear fall from my eye.
"Liv,baby" he went to wrap me in one of his hugs.
"No don't baby me." I pushed him away and I finally met his gaze.
He put his hands down by his side and just looked at me.
"That isn't all she said. She said I cant substitute the loss of one daughter with another." the tears were coming freely now and blurring my vision. I tried my best to keep his gaze I needed to stop running way from him.
"Olivia that isn't true." he took his hand and drug it down his face. Suddenly it looked like he had aged ten years. This wasn't just getting to me. he was still hurting too. He broke our gaze and starred at his hands.
"I know, I know that." I shook my head and wiped some of the fallen tears with the back of my hand.
"She also asked.. when we uh... when we were going to try and have another baby." his eyes snapped in my direction.
"We aren't ready Olivia. You aren't ready." Suddenly his hands were on my knees and he was inches away from my face.
"I know that too. But if this was something you wanted, I owe you and we aren't getting any younger and tha-"
"Liv we are married we don't do things just because on person wants it we are a team in everything we do."
He grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. "We will try when we are both ready."
I knew this next part would hurt him but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.
"Fitz I don't want another baby. I don't want to have a baby" I stated calmly.
Hurt and confusion were the only things in his eyes.
He let go of my hand.
"What? Where is this coming from." he stood from the bed and walked to the closest putting a lot of space between us.
"I have been thinking about it a lot lately and I just I don't want to go through it all again." I tried explaining it to him in a way that didn't make it seem like I was crushing all his dreams.
"Olivia the chance of you miscarrying again are slim to none. You know that." he started to raise his voice.
I know that you don't think I know that? I have a daughter and she is enough. If that cant be enough for you then I am sorry." I shrugged my shoulders still crying and pulled the covers over me suddenly feeling exposed.
"You are being serious right now?" he glared at me like he didn't recognize who I was.
"Why are you acting like this? you don't have to carry a baby for nine months. you don't have to worry about doing things wrong." I was genuinely confused as to why he was being rude about this.
"You cant just change our plan. This isn't making decisions together this is you running away. I don't know why any of this surprises me you have done it since day one. You are constantly leaving me Liv constantly. You walk away when you want. You come back when you want. It's only me, you don't leave your friends, you just leave me. God I am so weak you didn't want marriage you didn't want this life." he threw his hands out signaling that he was talking about the house. this life. my life.
"I should have let you go, if I loved you...if I loved you I should have let you go. You would be happier, you and I both know the only reason you do anything is because you loved me. You never did anything because you wanted to do it."
he stopped for a few minutes and I reflected on what he said.
"You don't love me?" I asked he looked at me with tears in his eyes.
"God don't you understand, its that I love you so much it hurts. You are the love of my life. I just wish I could have let you go." he shrugged in defeat.
I didn't say anything when he grabbed the spare pillows and a blanket and headed for the door.
"I'm sleeping on the couch." before I could find the words to say he was closing the door.
How things got so out of hand so fast was beyond me.
I pulled the cover over my head and cried.
Life couldn't get more fucked.