Flashback to The First Pregnancy...
"We are having a baby Fitz." He had his hand wrapped around the pregnancy test. The stick that changed our lives.
I was pacing because I was pregnant and this is all we have ever hoped for EXCEPT he hadn't said anything yet, I had peed on the stick twenty minutes again and he wasn't talking.
He was happy right? How could he not be happy?
"Oh my god." he whispered more to himself than to me. I was still pacing back and forth.
I still couldn't tell if he was happy.
"I am pregnant Fitz." I put my hand on my head and smoothed my hair back. We were in the bathroom I really didn't have that much room to pace.
"Oh God I am having a baby, we... oh god we are having a baby, I'm pregnant and usually that would be okay because we are married and I love you and we have a house and nice jobs and nice cars and we love each other." I repeated the love part for my own personal gain. "Usually this is a good thing except I can't be a mom. I mean not really, I've always wanted to do it, but I can't really be a mom I mean look at my example I don't know how to have a baby. Oh god I'm pregnant. Fitzgerald say something because I'm freaking out." I was rambling, another thing I did when I was nervous, and I couldn't breathe like really couldn't breathe.
Fitzgerald was next to me in a matter of seconds.
"Olivia we are having a baby." He was happy the huge smile that graced his extremely handsome face let me know that and suddenly my worries disappeared.
"Yeah we are having a baby." I smiled back at him and he hugged me.
Everything was perfect I was pregnant, and I was so in love with the man in front of me.
"We are having a freaking baby." He repeated and just like that we were ready to start our family.
7 months later...
Something was wrong. I winced in pain, something bad was happening.
I crawled out of bed, that's when I felt it. Something dripping down my leg seconds later a sharp jabbing pain started in my stomach. I figured my water had broken except that would be bad, very bad. It was too early she still needed to stay in their a little longer.
The pain shot through my abdomen again.
I screamed out which got Fitz's attention.
"Hey baby what's wrong?" he wiped the sleep out of his eyes but stayed in the bed. Until he saw me hunched over with one hand on my stomach and the other on my back.
He was out of bed in a matter of seconds and by my side.
"Somethings wrong" I started to cry. The pain was spreading, and I felt like I might throw up.
"Okay here sit down." he lowered me to the bed, and I sat down still gasping in pain.
He flipped on the light and that's when we both saw it. A puddle of blood stained our before perfectly white carpet.
I met his eyes and I saw that he was scared which didn't help the panic that was rising in my body.
Before I knew it, everything went black.
"I am sorry for your loss Mr. Grant. Sometimes these things happen, and we may never know why. She may be in pain for a week or so, I can prescribe so pain meds. Let me know if there is anything else, I can do for you." I shook the doctor's hand and went back to Olivia's side.
She had yet to wake up. A part of me prayed that she never did, and I know that it's fucked up to think like that because she is my wife and life without her would be unimaginable.
It's just if she did wake up, I would have to tell her that thing she has been celebrating for the past seven months is never going to happen. Because I must tell my wife that our baby died and it's going to kill her worse than it is killing me.
I don't know what to say to her, explain this twisted day where our lives have completely been shattered.
"Fitz?" her voice was rasp and quite but somehow still started me.
"Hi" I grabbed her hand and gently rubbed it.
She looked at me and she knew. I never had to say a word.
She let go of my hand and cried.
I didn't know what to do, or how to fix this.
So, I let her cry and I didn't lie to her and tell her everything was going to be okay because nothing about this was okay.
We never completely returned to normal. It took a few months for us to finally talk to one another let alone be intimate. But I guess God has a funny way of doing things.
It was Liv's first week back to work since we lost the baby. She came home hot and bothered and before I could comprehend what was happening, she was riding me on the couch.
A month after that Olivia found out she was pregnant, again.
We were happy but we tried to not get to excited.
She was only eight weeks pregnant when she lost the second baby.
That officially broke her.
We had only been married for less than a year and we were already falling apart.
We got through it because through was the only option. We got through everything together.
"He blames me."
"He doesn't blame you Olivia." Abby was assigned to be my babysitter for the day. We were sitting on the porch drinking some lemonade. She wants me to believe that Fitz didn't text her to come over and make sure I didn't do anything to crazy.
"He won't look at me." That wasn't a lie he won't.
"That man loves you so much it physically hurts him."
We were watching the birds eat from the bird feeders it was warm outside but not to warm. The breeze was moving the leaves and the sun was a pretty pink shade. It was the perfect fall afternoon.
"He should just leave and go marry some other young girl who can give him what he really wants." Abby just stared at me and I knew that I had open a jar I shouldn't have.
"Olivia when is this going to be over for you? I get it people grieve but whatever is happening to you isn't grief. The Olivia I know wouldn't just give up on something she has wanted since grade school. The Olivia I know would get up and try again and stop pretending like she is some wounded dog. I get it you lost something that you thought you could have forever, but shit happens it's life Fitz moved on, so you need to as well." She grabbed her purse, but I didn't think she was done yet.
"If he is ignoring you it's because you shut him out. That's what you do. I'm leaving now so don't do anything stupid. She mumbled all the way to her car, and I watched as she drove away.
She did have a point.
I was a mess and I can't except Fitz to put me back together.
So, I would be the best wife I could be, and I was, I was the best wife I could be.
Until Lilly showed up and it all started going downhill again. It wasn't Lilly's fault I would never regret taking over the role as her mother. That was a no brainer. She was my daughter through and through. Except I was right all those months ago.
I have no clue how to be a mother.
Lilly deserves better.
Fitz deserves better.
So why were they settling on me?
I heard the door open and tiny feet running up the stairs before they were suddenly silent.
"Daddy put me down I want to see mommy." Lilly whispered I assumed Fitz picked her up and wouldn't let her in.
"No, she is sick she needs rest, you go downstairs and put the tv on I will start dinner." He whispered back to her.
"You get to see her? How is that fair?" she sassed back
"Lilian Grant you heard what I said." He said sternly and I heard her feet descend the stairs before Fitz pushed open our bedroom door.
He looked warn down and tired. I knew that it was my fault but to be fair I never told him to leave our bed.
"Fitz." I started but he quickly cut me off.
"No just wait don't talk don't think just listen to me for a minute." He approached me slowly and sat at the edge of the bed but kept his gaze on me.
"I don't know how you feel. How it felt to give birth to a still born. I don't know how it felt to miss carry the second baby. I admit that to you." His voice was hoarse, and I could tell he was about to cry but was trying hard not to let the tears out.
"Olivia I will never understand what being pregnant puts you through mentally and physically. So, if you want to do this because you think physically you can't handle it then I will call and schedule the appointment now. But if you are doing this because you think you can't, that we can't do this together as parents then I reject that. This isn't just a bump in the road for us. We went into this marriage with dreams and we both threw them away. But for what? At what cost? We have lost ourselves and I have bn trying so hard to find the girl who I fell in love with," A single tear fell from his eye and as it fell my heart broke a little more.
"You know I don't remember falling in love with you" he laughed dryly.
"I just remember one day we were walking, and I looked down and we were holding hands. Never in my life had I felt something so perfect. I remember looking at our hands and thinking about how much it would hurt to let go."
"Fitz" I whispered, I hadn't realized it, but tears were falling from my eyes and covering my face.
"No wait let me finish. I have never left your side and I don't want to now. I never realized how deep I buried myself to be with you. It isn't your fault and I am in no way blaming you, but I don't recognize myself anymore. I know I love you Olivia. I know that I want to have a family with you. But I also know we can't go on like this. I can't keep being this person. I don't know who this person is. The Fitz who married you would never have said the things I have said to you. I need to reevaluate myself because what we are right now isn't healthy. I don't want you to terminate the pregnancy. Because I have hope that you could carry this baby to term. I have hope that we will be okay. But if you don't share that hope if you think that this isn't worth fixing then I will respect that too. I love you Olivia and I always will, but this is hard. The hardest thing I have ever been able to see. The worst part is you don't think about how hard all this is on me. I have watched the person I love the most in this world fall apart. Piece by piece you have changed too. I don't know what to do. Just no I can't give up. Not now ever." He gave me a small smile, but I was losing it. He was losing it.
We had officially lost it. It wasn't just me that was a mess anymore.
He was right, he didn't know how hard this was for me, but I didn't know how hard this was form him either.
"I want to have a baby with you." I whispered.
He didn't move.
"But I am scared because if I can't do this then you will hate me. You will hate me because I can't give you kids, and I will hate you for believing in me." I spoke fast so I could get all the words out before I had any time to change
"Livvie I could never hate you. I may not like this decision, but I will always love you. You don't have to ever question that. You could really have this baby. We should go see a doctor so they can tell us everything we should know."
"I am a doctor" I reminded him
"I know, it's up to you Liv." He got off the bed and gave my forehead a kiss his lips hovered longer than they should have before he straitened his body and went to the door.
"I am going to make dinner will bring some up for you" he went to leave but has topped him.
"Can Lilly come up?" I sounded like a child asking for dessert before dinner.
"She is your daughter of course she can."
He left me in the room to think about a lot but gladly Lilly came in to keep me company she snuggled with me and told me about the cookies she made with Fitz's mother.
I wanted to make a decision for him. But I needed one for myself.
If I was pregnant which we don't know for sure if I am do, I really want an abortion?"
I felt like we needed a little flashback to understand some of what Olivia has dealt with. Everyone was quick to call her selfish but in reality she is just grieving. They will get counseling so don't worry but Olitz will always be endgame it just might take longer to get there. Lilly's thoughts will be talked about further I just wanted to get this chapter out of the way. As of Love and war I have terrible writers block I know where I want the story to be I just don't know how to get it their so it may be longer until I get a chapter out. As always hope you guys enjoyed leave a review :)
~D