Chapter 5 - Pull Me Under
Toby's POV
It's been about two weeks since I've been dating JT, and since I've been going to therapy. The purging hadn't completely stopped, but had become less frequent. The amount of time I went starving became shorter. I didn't feel afraid of my own body anymore. However, I still felt disgusted whenever I ate, and on top of that my stomach hurt. Now, it's Monday, and I'm standing in front of school waiting for JT. I managed to have a normal breakfast this morning and not get rid of it, although I did feel the urge. I did feel guilt, but I refused to let the voice win today.
"Hey, Tobes!" JT said excitedly as he ran up to me, and I smile when I see him. He hugs me and kisses my cheek, and I hug back.
"How are you today?" He asks, he's always so caring and patient. He'd do anything to help me, anything to make sure I'm okay. And because of him, I'm starting to be okay.
"I'm okay. All because of you." I'm about to lean in and kiss him, but I feel someone tap on my shoulder. I look behind me and I see Kendra, and she looks sorry. I hear JT scoff, but I decide see what she wants.
"I heard what happened." She says with worry in her voice. Word got out again, and I guess everyone is worried. Including Kendra.
She throws her arms around my neck, hugging me. I'm confused, she broke up with me, and now that she hears I have an eating disorder she wants me back? But I don't want her, I'm with JT. But I don't push her off, I just stand there, not hugging her back.
"I'm so, so sorry! I had no idea what you were going through! I really miss you!" She says, and I roll my eyes and gently push her off.
"Look, Kendra, we're over. You broke up with me over something little, and I'm with someone else." I guess a lot of people feel sorry for me, but I didn't expect Kendra too. When I said I wanted attention, I didn't mean like this. I realize what I was doing isn't healthy. My health is worth more than popularity.
"What? Who?" She looks surprised I already found someone else. Well, I guess I've always wanted JT, I just didn't realize it.
"JT." I say, and her eyes widen in shock. I really don't care what she thinks. JT puts his arm around me, happy with my choice.
"Oh...uh...well..." she looks at us for a minute, before walking off. JT smirks at me, and then the bell rings. Time for class.
Lunch
I made a promise. But promises are so hard to keep.
I'm sitting here, pushing food around my plate, not eating a single bite. I can feel JT looking at me, but I don't care.
"I'm sorry. I just can't." I sighed. I felt disgusting. The doctor diagnosed me with anorexia and bulimia, and it really sucks. A lot of girls who are skinny and skip maybe one meal think they're anorexic and it's a bunch of bullshit. Anorexia is so much more than not eating and being skinny. They don't know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate every part of their self. Your stomach isn't flat enough, your thigh gap isn't big enough, your ribs and hips don't stick out enough, your arms aren't thin enough, you're just not good enough. You'll starve til you're beautiful. You don't care about your health or the consequences, you just wanna be skinny. You don't know the hunger pains, you don't know what it's like to be ashamed and guilty for eating, you don't know what it's like to hate your own reflection, you don't know what it's like to never feel good enough because being perfect is being thin, you don't know what it's like to lie all the time, you don't know what it's like to avoid going to restaurants because you don't wanna eat at all, and you don't know the whole pain and mindset you're stuck in. You don't know the voice in your head constantly telling you you're not good enough. You don't know the pain of your stomach and you're throat from throwing up but also loving the control you feel. You don't know what it's like to be so hungry but you won't let yourself eat because the voice said you weren't good enough and you didn't deserve it. You-
"Toby??" Someone called my name, causing me to snap out of my thoughts. Everyone at the table was looking at me, and they looked worried. Especially JT.
"I-I have to go." I got up and ran inside the school, and despite my bones and muscles feeling weak, I was pretty fast. I ran into the nearest bathroom and locked the stall. And turn to the only comfort I have.
I jam two fingers down my throat, and it takes a couple of tries but eventually I throw up. On instinct, I look down.
Blood.
I threw up BLOOD.
That's not good. All the control I felt from purging now turned to guilt. Before I could do anything else, JT ran into the bathroom. He kept banging on the door and I finally unlocked it. My guilt got worse as I saw that he was crying.
"JT I-" before I can finish my sentence, he wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead.
"It's okay...Toby...you need to stop or you're gonna die...just look...blood..." his voice breaks and it makes me start crying. He's right.
"The voice won't shut up! I can't eat without feeling guilty! I thought I could keep it down today, but-..." He pulls me closer and runs a soothing hand through my hair to try and calm me down. I don't know how he puts up with me, but I'm glad he does. Without him I would just be miserable.
"I promise I'm trying, it's just-"
"-its just not easy. I know, Tobes. And I'm gonna be here no matter what." We both got up and left the stall, holding hands.
I'm trying. I really am.
Cleanse the darkness inside my soul
Purify, rectify
All the guilt that I swallowed whole
Can't seem to find myself inside
Force my knees down
Against the ground
Hide the noise
Disguise the sound
Purge my mistakes
Until they erase
The scars that keep my wrists so bound
Feed the yearning
Embrace the burning
Whispering from the voice within
Shake and shudder
Just pull me under
Submerge me in this erasure
Shake and shudder
Just pull me under
Purge my mistakes
Until they erase
All my failures.