Chapter 6 - Weightless
Toby's POV
I looked in the mirror in disgust. Everyone said I didn't realize how skinny I was, and I mean I wasn't boney or anything, but all I saw was fat. I don't even deserve food, not even water.
They tell me I need to stop, but I say I just need to lose a little more weight before I'm finally good enough.
I get called down for dinner, but I yell back saying I have a lot of homework. My voice was strained from throwing up in the bathroom yesterday, so it came out as scratchy. My dad came up the stairs going on about how skipping dinner wasn't acceptable and set a plate down on the desk and walked away. Great.
There's nothing wrong with me. I just have true willpower. And if they can't understand that, then screw them.
But deep down I know I have a problem. Everyone I know is worried, even Ashley and especially JT. And I don't want to push him away, because I know I can never replace him.
I'd rather be perfect than alive.
JT's POV
I've been trying to go to sleep since 10pm and it's now 12am. I can't sleep. I'm too worried.
Worried about Toby. I'm trying so hard to help him, and I know I have helped a lot, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about his health. Throwing up blood, that's scary. I want him to be okay. I want him to love himself and be happy because seeing him happy makes me happy.
The thought of him being in a hospital with those tubes things scares me. He's so close to being underweight, if he's not already. He was never even fat or overweight in the first place, I don't know what started this. Well, I remember how much he wanted attention. He wanted to get fit and be on the wrestling team and be popular. But it wasn't worth it. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
I sigh and turn over, and I hope I can get some sleep tonight.
TIME-SKIP : MORNING
I wake up to my moms voice yelling up at me to come down for breakfast. I managed to go to sleep around one, but I kept waking up during the night. I throw on some clothes and run downstairs, I'll fix my hair and do other stuff to get ready after.
I smile when I remember that I'm supposed to meet Toby a little early today, and we're hanging out after school. I'll make sure he eats today and doesn't throw it up.
I'll do whatever it takes to help him.
I walk out of my room and into the kitchen, seeing my mom and grandma already at the table. I start eating quickly, I don't want to be late.
"Slow down James, you'll choke." My grandma warns and I slow down a little but not a lot.
"What's the big hurry?" My mom smiles at me.
"I'm meeting Toby earlier today." I simply answer and take a sip out of my cup.
"Oh, your boyfriend?" I choke on my drink and start coughing, causing my mom to snicker. I have no idea how she knows, I didn't even tell her. I mean, I know Toby told his parents and they're completely okay with him dating me, they know how much I care about him.
"W-what? He's totally not my boyfriend." I'm terrible at lying.
"JT, I'm your mother. I know when you're lying. Besides, I saw you guys kiss when he was over here a couple of days ago. It's okay honey, it's not a big deal." My mom doesn't live with us, she just visits a lot. She's too busy to have me living with her, so my grandma mostly raised me, but she was here a couple of days ago. I guess I'm not as sneaky as I thought.
"I'm gonna be late if I don't hurry up." I run back to my room, ignoring the laughter coming from the kitchen, and finish getting ready for school. I run to the corner store and see Toby already there. He smiles at me and I smile back. He's so cute.
"Hey babe." I say as I gently peck his lips and smile at him again.
"Hey." He responds and grabs one of my hands.
"Did you eat today?" I ask and his smile quickly fades.
"Yes." A lie, I already know. I can tell when he's lying because of the look in his eyes.
"I know you're lying." I say. He lets go of my hand and sighs.
"We're going to be late for school. Let's go." I frown but follow him anyways.
Toby's POV
I wish people would stay off my back about my eating habits. It's just annoying me even more. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I'm fat. I'm not hungry.
Right now I'm sitting in class, drumming my pencil against the table. I'm still annoyed at JT from earlier, even though it was just a simple question.
The bell rings for lunch and I roll my eyes. Another day where all my friends stare at me, Ashley sneaks glances at me from across the room, and JT watches me like a hawk.
You know what? I don't have to sit with them today. I get up and walk outside, sitting down at a table by myself. I know my friends are inside but I don't care.
I start thinking about JT. I really, really like him but he needs to back off. I'm fine.
Speak of the devil. He's standing next to me now. I swear he never stops watching me.
"Eat this." He says as he sets an apple down in front of me. No way.
"I don't have time for this." I try to get up but he pushes me back down. He's stronger than me since I'm weak and dizzy which sucks, but I'm still not good enough.
"Toby, you need to eat, okay? You're-" and then he goes on to talk about how I'm already perfect, and how I need to eat or I'm going to die. But I'm not hearing this again. It's all stupid.
"Can you just shut up already? Stop lying about me being perfect and stop trying to force me to eat! I don't care!" I get up and this time he fails at pushing me back down, instead he grabs my arm.
"I'm just trying to help you!"
"Yeah well you're making everything worse!" I can see the hurt in his eyes but right now I don't care. I walk through the empty hallways and to the bathroom. There's nothing to purge so I'll just sit in there alone.
And of course JT follows me.
"Oh what now? Are you going to throw up again? Because you're going to-"
"Will you shut the hell up? I don't need you! I'm fine! You're just making everything worse by trying!" I scream at him through the stall. Will he just let me be?
"I'm doing this because I care about you! Please just listen to me! I-"
"No! I'm done listening to you!"
I swing open the stall door and he's standing there glaring at me.
"Just leave me alone JT!" I push past him and run back outside. I'm done talking to him.
Who am I kidding? He's the only thing that makes me happy. But right now...right now being perfect, really perfect is more important than what he has to say.
JT's POV
I sink down to the bathroom floor with my back against the wall. I feel horrible.
I'm just trying to help him because I truly believe I'm staring to fall in love with him. But he doesn't care about me.
I realize I'm crying and I quickly wipe my tears. I know he does care and that it's just the disorder, but that doesn't mean it don't hurt. I know that wasn't a break up, he would be more specific if it were. I really he realized what he's doing.
I'll just give him some space. But not too much. I can't go without talking to him for too long.
Hi my name is ana and I'm here to save you
Very smart of you to call me
We will work togheter and we'll leave no footprints
We'll have wings eventually
I want to embrace you
I will help you to control
I will hurt like hell
I will swallow your sweet soul
It will be nailed to your jawbone
It is painted on the mirror
Stripped to the bone
To the soul to the I don't know
Stripped to the core
To the matter to the flesh and oh!
Stripped to the four in the morning lies and lullabies
Stripped without clothes, without dirt
Without baggage, without consciousness
And you are weightless
You are weightless
So just be a good girl and please follow my rules
Don't forget I'm taking over
Transparent is what you'll be in no time if you're
Taking life in stone cold sober
I want to embrace
I will make you steal and lie
I will hurt like hell
I will kill you in no time
Stripped to the bone
To the soul to the I don't know
Stripped to the core
To the matter to the flesh and oh!
Stripped to the four in the morning lies and lullabies
Stripped without clothes, without dirt
Without baggage, without consciousness
And you are weightless
You are weightless
Everyone's your enemy
You find your worst fears in me
Stripped to the bone
To the soul to the I don't know
Stripped to the core
To the matter to the flesh and oh!
Stripped to the four in the morning lies and lullabies
Stripped without clothes, without dirt
Without baggage, without consciousness
And you are weightless
You are weightless
You are weightless
You are weightless
You are weightless