Chapter 7 - Feeling Small

Toby's POV

It's been a few days since the fight with JT. He's tried to talk to me but I've been ignoring him. Talk to me for what? To lie to me and try and make me eat? Yeah, no.

Speaking of which, I woke up and I felt worse than ever today. I was feeling really weak and dizzy, and I had a huge headache. But that's okay. It just means I'm losing weight.

I weighed myself, and it was 104 pounds. It's still not good enough. If I lose just a little bit more, than maybe it'll be enough.

Everyone's already gone today, which is perfect. I run to school to burn a few more calories and immediately regret that decision when I start to feel even dizzier.

I walk into the school and lean against the hallway for support. And guess who decided to talk to me?

JT Yorke.

"Hey Tobes. You okay?" I consider ignoring him, but then I turn around. I really miss him, and I know he's my boyfriend, but I need to lose more weight.

"I'm fine JT." I answer and then walk off. Today was not my day.

I walk into first period and lay my head down, today I don't care about what the teacher is saying. I just want this day to be over already.

"Toby?" Someone whispers to me, and it's not JT because this voice sounds female. It's Kendra, my least favorite person.

"What?" I ask, not even hiding the annoyance in my voice. She sighs and looks at me again.

"You don't look so good. I think you should see the nurse. You look sick. Look, I know we might be broken up and you're with JT or whatever, but I'm worried about you." She says and she sounds concerned. God dang, there's nothing to worry about.

"I'm fine Kendra! Not that it's your business." I snap, causing Emma to turn around and shush me. I flip her off and her and Kendra both look at me in shock.

I roll my eyes and lay my head down again. I don't have time for this.

I have two wishes, JT and to be perfect and popular. But which do I want more? Honestly, it's JT. Because I truly think I love him. On the other hand, I'm so close to my goal and if I gave up now then that would suck. Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success, and I'll do it. 104lbs is for quitters.

"Toby? Class is over." Kendra says. Already? This day is going by quick. I don't even glance at her as I get up and walk out, but I'm pushed into the lockers by Emma.

"What the heck? I didn't even push you that hard? What's wrong with you?" Stupid weakness. Whatever.

"Back off Emma, I don't have time for you." I try and leave but she grabs my arm.

"You're boney. It's not normal." I roll my eyes. I'm not boney, I'm fat.

"And you're annoying. Bye." I try and release my arm from her grip but again I'm too weak.

"Look, you should really go to the doctor. I know you have anorexia and-"

"Oh shut the hell up and leave me alone! I don't even care!" I push her off and walk to my next class.

That class went by quickly, as did the next. And soon enough, it was time for lunch. I knew I had to avoid JT and the others since they're constantly on my back, so I went to the back of the school. Luckily, no one else came back there. I started to head back to class a little early so I wouldn't get caught, but I ran into JT.

"Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you! I was worried!" JT said and I rolled my eyes. This again.

"Emma told me you gave her the bird, Ashley said you always eat dinner in your room but we both know you don't, and everyone else says you're just not you! Please eat! Please, Toby!" I can hear the worry in his voice, but I don't care. Why is everyone trying to stop me?!

"Just shut up about it! There's nothing wrong with me!" People start coming in for lunch and I turn away to go towards my next class, but I grip the wall instead.

"Toby?" JT says more things after that, but I'm too dizzy to pay attention. Everything is spinning and I see black spots on my eyes. And suddenly everything is dark.

JT's POV

I'm practically yelling Toby's name as he faints AGAIN. Me and a couple of other people gather around and someone goes to get the nurse, and I keep shaking him.

"Toby! Please wake up! You have too!" The nurse comes and checks him while I feel someone place their hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see Emma, Manny, and Liberty.

"Mr. Raditch is calling his parents and an ambulance. I'm sorry JT." Emma says. Manny glares at her and Liberty shakes her head.

"Stop apologizing like he's going to die. He's not, he's going to be okay." Manny says as she sadly smiles at me.

"Yeah. It's going to be a fight, but he'll realize this is not healthy." Liberty suggests. Just as she finishes talking the paramedics come in and take Toby away. I can only hope he'll be okay.

I can only hope.

Toby's POV

I open my eyes to see myself in a room and a bed that's not mine. I reach my hand up and tubes, tubes in my nose. Oh my god. I'm in the hospital.

I look next to me and see JT sitting next to my bed, and he's holding my other hand. He's asleep, and I can see the tear stains on his cheeks. What happened?

My memory is foggy, but eventually I realize I must've fainted again but this time they couldn't get me up.

I realize now what I've really been doing. This was not normal.

"JT." I say and he opens his eyes and looks at me. I sad smile comes onto his face when he sees that I'm awake.

"How long was I out for?" I ask, and he thinks for a minute.

"Only a day I think. It feels like longer, though. The doctors told us you were underweight and suffering from anorexia nervousa, and they put you on tubes. Toby, I know you're sick of hearing me say this but you're going to die if you keep doing this. I love you and I'm really worried about you." I process what he's saying and then realized he said that he loves me. He must've realized this too as his eyes get wide.

"I-I mean I really like you and-" I gently squeeze his hand and he sighs.

"Okay, fine. Toby, I think I'm in love with you. Seeing you like this kills me. You can't die on me, dude. I need you. You have to stop. Please." A few more tears fall from his eyes and it breaks my heart. I hate to see him hurting.

"I love you, JT. I'm sorry." I gently smile at him and he sighs before pressing his lips to my forehead.

"I want to live. I'm terrified of gaining weight, but I'm staying here with you. I'm going to beat this stupid eating disorder. I'm going to start going to therapy more often and I'm going to start eating more. And I'm not going to throw it up. I'm going to fix this." He smiles at me and yawns. He's probably really tired.

"Let's go back to sleep. I love you JT."

"I love you too. I'm gonna help you through this." He closes his eyes and I close mine, but I don't go back to sleep yet.

Anorexia, it's going to kill me if I don't start eating and stop purging. And I don't want to die. I should've listened to JT, everyone's perfect just being themselves. I'm going to hate gaining weight, but I have to do this.

I have to do this for him.

This one's of you, taking your pill

You sometimes forget, and that's okay I guess

This one's of me at my sister's wedding day

All my faces, they all were wasted

You're barely breathing, I know

What if it started to show?

And I know it won't ever change

But it hurts the same

This one's of me, throwing up for you

And I'm paler still, and that's the way you wanted it

This one's of you; certain of cancer

And all my faces, they all were wasted on feeling small

You're barely breathing, I know

And now it's starting to show

And I know it won't ever change

But it hurts the same

A fever broke somewhere behind July

And remember how I weighed 135

And we collide

All my faces, they all were wasted on feeling small

You're barely breathing, I know

And now it's starting to show

And I know it won't ever change

But it hurts the same

This one's of me, losing the way

Feeling afraid