Hello my dear readers! This is by far one of my favourite chapters! I really put all of my heart in writing it and I hope you'll appreciate my efforts
Enjoy and review!
Lots of love,
L.
CHAPTER 10
What have I done?
I wish I could run,
away from this ship going under
just trying to help out everyone else
now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
what can you do when your good isn't good enough
and all that you touch tumbles down?
'cause my best intentions
keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow.
but how many times will it take?
oh, how many times will it take for me, to get it right?
Get it right- Lea Michele
~•~•~•~
Loki woke up with a start. His forehead drenched with sweat. He blinked and focused immediatly. His eyes darted around and glimmered. Then they caught Lisa knelt down right by his left forearm . Her fingers curled around it. She was shaking him violently. His eyebrows drew together. He glanced at her.
Her gaze was cautious but unafraid.
"Sorry", she whispered. "You were groaning in your sleep, it looked like you were having a nightmare. I though I should wake you up."
Loki thanked her with a nod, then sighed. Surprisingly she was still there.
"Lisa" he began, lowering his eyes again. "I- "
The words snaggered in his throat. He could feel her eyes run across him, waiting and studying him. He pressed his fingers on his nose bridge and swallowed twice, fighting bile back.
She abruptly got up. "I've already told you", she cut in. "If you're trying to apologise, don't waste your breath. It's useless."
Loki met her eyes again. Her expression had hardened. This time, though, he held his look up .
"No, it's not". He shot back. and his right hand clutched her wrist.
Lisa stiffed. Her teeth gritted. "Let me go."
"His grip got tighter. "Listen to me and I will".
Lisa glared at him, fuming .
"Let me go, I said. You're hurting me". She snarled trough her teeth. Her voice trembling.
Loki raised an eyebrow. " Am I? Are you sure? Actually the choice is only yours." He pointed out.
Lisa's fingertips started slowly to turn white and tingling rushed trough the nerves of her hand like a rain of pins. She flinched and eventually gave in.
"Speak." She muttered scowling.
And the thight grip released her wrist.
Loki's eyes twinkled and a slight smirk of triumph crept over his lips ; not more than an istant later, however, it faded and his mouth downturned in a frown. His long dark eyelashes brushed the downside of his sockets as he blinked.
~•~•~•~
"I'm perfectly aware I will never deserve a shred of your forgiveness for what I have done. That's why I won't ask for it. What I just want you to know is that I'd take all your grief upon my shoulders, if only I were sure that this would make you feel better." He said that straight. No pauses, no uncertainties, as if those words had always been there, just waiting for the right moment to come out.
Lisa stood silent. Her face completely emotionless.
"You sound really sorry." She stated after a while, faking awe. Loki lowered his chin and narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what she was getting at. "I mean, you are so good at apologising! You have quite a gift!" She went on. Then she halted for a second. Scorn flashed over her face.
"How sad you're not as talented at not messing things up". she concluded in a surly tone .
Loki clicked his tongue and exhaled "Lisandra, I sound sorry because I actually am." He countered. "Believe me, I do understand what you have been trough."
She shook his head and let a bitter smile out. "I dont think so."
"I do, Lisa."
She clenched her hands to fists but kept her face clear, to control herself.
"Have you ever been raped?" She sharply snapped. Her lips started to quiver as she struggled not to cry. " Three... four times a day... for weeks. Do you have the faintest idea of how it feels?" She rasped, holding back the sobs.
"No but"- he attempted below his breath.
"Loki, please. Let's end this farce here. She chocked. And that sounded more like a pleading than a simple request.
For a long moment none of them uttered a word and Loki wondered how such a fragile human being could carry so much pain without falling to pieces. Then, out of the blue, he said it.
Clearly.
Deliberately.
"I delved into your memories.I saw every single thing they did to you".
Lisa gasped. Her face twiched in disbelief.
" You what?" She whispered.
Loki fell silent. His whole frame tensed
"You did what?" She asked again, utterly baffled. He remained in front of her. Frozen.
Tears had now won their way out and trailed along her cheeks .
"How could you -" she whined " W-why?"
Loki swallowed hard. His voice muffled. "I had to. It was my very last option. I tried to heal you, in any way possible. Even magic, but nothing seemed to work properly. Up until the last instant I was torn about whether to do it or not but in the end, I had to."
Lisa's red- rimmed eyes sparkled with tears as she glowered at him.
"You were slipping away from me and I just couldn't let it happen." He admitted in a sorrowful whisper. "I had no choice."
"You had." She retorted, glancing away. "You've always had, but you made it the moment you left me there and let him seize my dignity as a human being, as a woman and as a mother."
Loki's guts knotted. His heart started hammering in his chest.
she had memories of what Eir had done to her.
"What do you remember about those weeks?" He hoarsed.
"Everything."
His jaws clamped shut.
"I've always looked unconscious but I've never been. He knew it."
His eyebrows went up. His lips parted.
He took a step back.
Another.
His eyes flickered as dismay overwhelmed him and something in his very inside shattered.
"You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain"
Those old, blurred words he thought he had forgotten , suddenly jumped out vivid, clawing at his brain. But only in that moment he clearly saw what they really, deeply, meant.