A/N: So.

Folks are saying I'm afraid to kill off characters.

X_X

Well. Some people should be careful what they wish for.

I hope folks like this, it was a right and proper pain in the arse to write. I don't LIKE to hurt the characters I write, but sometimes shit happens. The deaths and drama come hot and heavy after this, so I do hope you've prepared yourself. I'm not talking minor deaths like Shinji or some random passerby on the street. This is but the first of many.

Well, I'm off to work another double, so I look forward to chatting with you all later.

As ever, I own no references, quotes, or relations to any respective media.

I just like to play around with words. 'Tis a simple talent.

One last thing.

A Most Unlikely Berserker is coming.

Really, I thought that was obvious given that I update Caster a few days ago.

Why the delay, you ask? Why, its elementary dear Watson! Its my baby, and I've rewritten the bloody thing five times.

Now the final rewrite is finally where I want to be, and it's been gaining more and more steam each day. I hope you're looking forward to it.

Thought I forgot about that old chap, did you? Nope. There's a reason I've held it back this long. Freaking things so long I've had to split it up into pieces and arcs; don't even get me started on the deaths and all the shenanigans ahead. Trust me when I say you are not prepared for what I have in store in that story. By the time its finished, you're either going to laugh or cry. Maybe even both once we get to-whoops! Thar be spoilers. Almost ruined a surprise.

Ah, but you came here for Duo, didn't you?

How rude of me to keep you waiting.

Lets jump right in, shall we?!

Quote below is a hint:

"The things I do for my Master."

"Just get your lazy butt moving, Archer!"

"Fine, fine, you needn't be so pushy about it."

~?

A Most Unlikely Demise

Archer was not having a pleasant evening.

It had begun after a particularly bitter argument with Rin this morning and piqued tonight when she ordered him to charge headlong up the mountain like a madman. Now, Emiya was no fool. Bitter, angry, longing for the sweet release of oblivion, but he wasn't stupid. He knew exactly who was lurking up there, smug as a cat with a canary in her mouth. Of course, and he'd tried to argue against it without divulging details about the varied timelines. Indeed, he'd done his best to persuade Tohsaka that this was a bad idea. A terrible, horrible idea. He didn't much relish the idea of facing Medea on her home turf.

When he refused, Rin used her second Command Spell to make him obey.

Now as he ran headlong into the jaws of death, EMIYA found himself seriously questioning his life choices.

Something was wrong with this timeline; everyone was too high strung, too emotional. Events were twisted around, playing out in odd directions in ways they shouldn't have.

For starters, he hadn't encountered Lancer that first night. Instead he found himself facing off against some kind of crazed lucha-libre-loving Rider who enjoyed supplexing him into the ground entirely too much for his own liking. Despite that crazed battle, his younger self never appeared, which meant he wasn't chased down to that shed, which meant Saber hadn't been summoned yet. He knew what her energy signature felt like. And as a direct result of all this catastrophe, he hadn't been able to find-or kill!-his younger self. No, something had gone wrong somewhere, but he couldn't figure out where or what. And it. Infuriated. Him.

EMIYA needed to vent.

Someone to take his frustrations out on.

Problem was, he was fairly certain Medea would kill him.

Damn witch was near invincible so long as she stayed in that temple of hers.

Yet the Command Spell bound his limbs; shackling him to this path. Climb the mountain and defeat the Servant there. He had no doubt that Tohsaka-whom he honestly didn't like in this timeline-was following somewhere further back on the steps just to make sure he didn't wriggle out of this. That was another thing that concerned him. Rin was...colder in this timeline. Not quite as vibrant. Less sass and more anger. Was that damned priest to blame for this? Had he done something to her? Or worse, had she actually become just like-

"Hey, there!" a voice called.

For the first time in his un-life, Emiya was grateful for being interrupted. He dearly didn't want to finish that thought about Kirei actually raising Rin.

Oh.

Wait.

Too late.

"OI! I'm talking to you!"

Really, he was feeling downright irritable by the time he finally met resistance.

...that definitely wasn't Sasaki. Which was good he supposed; as the man was murderously difficult in a fight.

When he found someone waiting for him on the mountain, he almost expected the pseudo-assassin. Instead he found a young man clad in a crimson hoodie and blue jeans sitting on the steps only yards ahead, miserably awaiting his arrival. He would've run right past them too, if they had not stood up at the last moment and delivered a bonecrushing kick to his ribs. What a kick! How could someone like that actually manage to...oh. Wait. Servant. Right. He'd almost forgotten.

"Don't suppose I could ask you to leave?" the boy yawned as Emiya tumbled back down the steps below him. "Its late and I really don't feel up to this at the moment."

Arresting his momentum, the crimson Archer clamored back to his feet. He knew at once that he wouldn't climbing these steps without a fight; in all honesty, a part of him relished the opportunity. He needed to carve his wrath into someone and he needed to do it now. Barring that, they could at least kill him and eject him from this twisted timeline. Really. It was the least he could do.

"I would," he offered a rueful grin, "But I've got this pesky Command Spell on me."

The blond granted him a sympathetic smile. "Well, that's awfully unfortunate for you, then."

"How so?"

A silent tremor ran through his shoulders.

"I've been away from my sister too long, you see." he idly paused, picking at a fingernail. "It makes me...jittery."

"I'll make you a counteroffer, then. Emiya retorted, settling into a low stance. "Move, and I won't carve you up like a turkey."

"Fair enough." he sighed. "Let me ask you another question, then."

Scarred palms rose slowly from that battered hoodie.

"Do you wanna have a bad time?"

Emiya stiffened at those words.

It wasn't just the phrase itself that bothered the apathetic Archer, it wasn't even those burning slits-for-eyes, nor that leering grin "Naruto" wore; because in that moment the boy's shadow loomed far larger than it should; a ghastly, inhuman thing more kitsune than human, writhing and twisting with each passing moment. There one moment, gone the next. Still, the young man made no move to descend the steps. Nor did he attempt to meet him. Rather he stood firm and fast, not giving an inch. He held the high ground and they both knew it. Emiya blinked and the boy's shadow snapped back, but now his body looked...wrong somehow.

"Because," Blue eyes bulged with barely restrained glee, as he dropped down on all fours. "If you take one more step forward, buddy...

Part of his face was peeling away now, reluctantly granting a glimpse of the crimson creature within.

"You are really, really, REALLY not gonna like what happens next."

Grimacing, the crimson Archer readied his chant.

Then, dreading what came next, he moved.

And his world erupted into red light.

(...Further Up the Mountain..)

"Hey! That tickles, mama!"

"It wouldn't if you stopped fidgeting."

Naruko grumbled morosely. "S'not my fault...

Medea clicked her tongue as her fingers wound through the golden curtain that was her familiar's hair, painstakingly weaving it into a loose braid. Inwardly, she fought down a small, secret smile as she continued her work and threaded the protective charm into the girl's golden tresses. Oh, my sweet, precious little dear! You're going to look fabulous when I'm done with you! She wasn't laughing. No. Not at all. Not in the least. She certainly didn't want to glomp this tiny bundle of joy sitting in her lap as she braided her hair, but it was a near thing indeed.

She had a weakness for all things cute and a week a spent with the Most Unlikely Duo had made it all the more poignant.

Now, Naruko-and her brother-wasn't small by any means, yet she couldn't help but think of her so.

Framed in the waning light of the setting she continued her work.

Once more the witch bit back the urge to hum happily.

They were such good children!

They came whenever she called, always washed for dinner, and at least one of them was ever within arms reach at all times. They were downright pleasant to her Souichirou. They took their task of guarding her seriously in all things. They even called her mother sometimes. Without the bamboo gag, Naruko had proven downright chatty when she wanted to be. Granted, speaking increased the chances of her going berserk, but Medea was a master magician that would make the mages of this era green with envy. Nullifying it, however briefly, was child's play for one such as her.

Was this what domestic life felt like?

Surely it must be so.

It blew her previous wish right out of the water.

Medea had come into this war expecting to find a self-serving Master waiting for her. And she had. So she'd killed him. Rather than fade away, she'd found a second chance with Souichirou Kuzuki. She had thought that all her good luck would evaporate right then and there. Instead she'd managed to summon these two; now they were more dear to her than life itself. She would gladly die for this. For that smile-no. She would fight for it. She would live for it as long and hard as she could. And if anyone tried to take it from her...!

"Mama?"

A soft tug on Medea's sleeve drew her away from her daydream as she glanced down.

"Hmm? What is it, dear?"

Those coal blue eyes were bright as diamonds. "Someone just breached the perimeter."

Ah.

Another attack again.

It seemed this one, whomever they were, had actually decided to commit this time around. Good. They finally mustered up some semblance of determination and she would gladly rip it from them. Speaking of determined parties, they seemed to be missing someone.

"Where's your brother?" she asked as a distant explosion rocked the mountain.

Naruko wrinkled her nose in mild annoyance. "Down the mountain. He left a clone behind to keep me sane."

"Wait, doesn't that mean he'll run into the-

"YEARGH?!"

As though waiting for that very statement, the sibling in question sailed up the steps and crashed into the ground at their feet. If Medea hadn't better she would've thought the poor boy long dead; he certainly resembled human pincushion. Seven days had taught her otherwise. Unless his spiritual core was destroyed, he could recover from just about anything. Now?

She merely arched an eyebrow "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." he croaked weakly.

"Good." she sniffed, giving him a nudge with her foot. "That's what you get for charging in ahead without backup. Now apologize to your sister, young man."

Blue eyes rolled, but he didn't deny her. "Yes mooooom."

Medea wasn't happy to hear that. No. Not at all. Dirty liar, a voice deep inside her heart whispered. You love it. Sarcasm aside, anyone who called her mother instantly earned her undying affection. And these two were so well-behaved at that; she hadn't even needed to waste a Command Spell on them. She didn't expect that she'd have to.

Propping himself up, Naruto swore softly.

"Damnit, that thing's not an Archer at all. Its a freaking meat grinder. C'mere, sis."

With a put-upon sigh, the teenager wrapped the rest of her braid herself and hopped off Medea's lap. Then she paused and gave their Caster an oddly anxious look.

"You can...repair the mountain, right?" she asked. "Fix whatever we break?"

Medea sputtered. "Yes, but its not that simple-

"Great!" Naruto gave her a mild grin. "That's good to know."

Naruko favored her with an impish smile as well. "Because everything's about to be on fire."

"Wait, what?!"

"Sorry, not sorry!"

With that, the beaming blond bounded over to her twin, gave a happy chirp, and clasped his left outstretched hand in her own.

"Shall we use that, oh brother of mine?"

"Fine be me."

Their shared grin was terror to behold.

And their right hands rose.

Nothing happened.

At first, Medea wondered if the twins were playing a practical joke, a trick of sorts as they stretched their fingers into the sky and beseeched the heavens. She was just about to tell them to cease this foolishness; to stop playing around and go on the tack when she felt the wind pick up.

Then she heard it.

The sound began as a faint whine at first, little more than a vapid breeze on the air. You had to focus to hear it, really truly listen. Then, like a gathering storm, it began to swell. A tiny pinprick of azure radiance that grew between their palms; little more than a firefly of light at first. Even then it didn't become terribly large, little more than the size of a golf ball.

And so they spoke.

"I beseech the fire." Naruko intoned first.

Abruptly sphere doubled in size.

"I beseech the wind." Naruto mirrored her words next.

Now it began to triple.

"I call for destruction."

Quadrupled, even.

"I call for salvation."

So that was it. An aria. Little more than a chant to help them focus and stabilize their thoughts; all the better to create...whatever this was. What had once been blue now began to burn red, then briefly violet as scarlet mingled with sapphire, followed by a burning amber as the colors held within writhed and mixed with one another like some sordid painting.

Naruko took pause for a moment, then continued. "Let there be death."

Once more, her twin matched her effortlessly. "Let there be life."

Their voices began to blur, the words come fast, faster fastest.

"The gate calls for flame. Lets put them all to shame. Death. Life! A world filled with strife!"

As they spoke the elements united together in seething chaos.

"Let our will be done. We are one!"

And the world was bathed in orange glow.

Now that the chant had finished Medea found she could focus properly on the emerging creation; an evergrowing sphere rimmed by rings of circular blades, thousands of microscopic needless lurking within. Only their will kept them all from clashing with one another; so Medea did see with her mind's eye.

This was no divine mystery from the age of the gods, no miracle given form by a higher power.

It was pure death. Destruction incarnate. Bound by their Determination alone, fit to burst at the slightest provocation.

Then they tossed it.

Perhaps wind and fire mixed a little TOO well in retrospect; because the Rasenshuriken didn't so much glide as it did soar high into the air. It reached the apex of its arc just as a streak of red crested the lower half of the staircase and all but lunged into view. In that moment Medea glimpsed white hair and a tan face that felt oddly familiar to her. So too were the mismatching white-and-black shortswords in each hand.

"Here he comes!" Naruto bit out.

"Duck and cover!" his sibling growled back.

To his credit, Emiya saw the oncoming attack and raised a hand.

Even from this distance, she heard him speak, even it dropped like a falling star.

"Rho Aias!"

A pale blooming lotus of seven petals blossomed in the wake of his arm.

Too little, too late.

Their rasenshuriken didn't strike Archer's barrier when it finally burst; rather, the attack devoured the total concept of the shield itself. Flame burgeoned by wind boiled over them in a wave of oppressive heat and light so devastating that Medead didn't truly see the impact as much as she felt it. Blazing fury detonated like a nuclear warhead, shattering servant and shield alike in a wave of searing plasma. Thousands upon thousands of raw and cutting chakra needles pierced and eviscerated whatever the initial blaze failed to consume.

A rush of hot air shot up the steps, snapping Medea's cowl away from her face in the ensuing shockwave.

As the smoke cleared, she saw the horror of what she'd unwittingly unleashed.

There was nothing left of the lower steps after all.

Just a great gaping crater in the earth.

At the edge of said crater.

There he lay.

What remained of Archer-mostly his upper torso-was sprawled at the edge of that still glowing crater, face down in the mud. Bleak bile rose in the witch's throat as she surveyed their handiwork, but also some semblance of pride as she watched his body begin to crumble away into fading azure dust. Well. That had been easy-

And he struck.

Even in his final moments Archer still tried to take her head, flinging his broken swords at her in one last desperate gambit.

A yelp filled the air, but it didn't belong to her.

Instead the baffled witch found herself shoved back as her Duo thrust themselves between her and the final blow, their bodies as they took the attack meant for her. Yes, they intercepted the blades flawlessly, without so much as a protest on their part. She hadn't even needed to order her pawns...nor had she wanted to. She had unleashed them and they gave the enemy no mercy at all.

No. Not her pawns. Her children.

In this moment she couldn't bear to think of them as anything else.

By rights, she should be proud. This was an overwhelming victory for her.

And yet why did she feel so miserable about it?

"Tch." Archer scoffed ruefully as he tumbled back to the ground. "Looks like I missed-

He never got to finish that sentence as Medea rammed a pillar of violent violet light through his chest with a shriek. Then another. And another. Another still. Another. Five blasts rang out into the night, each one harsher than the last with ruthless abandon; they didn't stop until she was wholly certain he was dead. Only then did she lower a trembling arm; only then did she see the last of him crumble away in the breeze. Even then Medea blasted those to make certain he had absolutely no chance of rising again.

Only then did she remember her charges.

The three of them stood in stoic silence for a long moment.

Then the Twins turned to face Medea and her hands snapped up to cover her mouth.

Bathed in the ruddy red light of burning earth and stone, she saw the blade lodged in Naruto's collarbone, and the white spike of a sword jutting through Naruko's left thigh. Those weren't mortal wounds by any means, but they looked...painful. Unbidden, she found herself approaching the two of them. She had to get the blades out, but they were already doing that themselves; by the time she'd reached them the twins had already torn the last of the sundered steel from their bodies, uncaring of the gaping wounds they left behind. Did they truly not care about their own well-being?

She clicked her tongue softly and began to heal them.

"Well," Naruto gave a rusty chuckle at this, "That oughta do it."

Naruko limped over to her as well, eager for praise as she crept closer. "Did we do good, mama?"

Medea's heart lurched.

Children shouldn't possess this kind of power; yes, she realized, that was what they were to her. Children. Teens thought they were, she could no longer consider the two of them pawns after witnessing...that. They had taken a blow meant for her. Hurt themselves. For her. Idiots. Bitter thoughts consumed her. No one should die for her. She wasn't worth it. And yet...

They thought she was.

Gods above. These two were willing to die for her.

How long had it been since she'd found someone willing to do that. Of their own volition, no less! With that poignant thought, the last tiny stubborn shred of pride Medea had been clinging onto all this time turned itself to bitter ashes in her grasp. And so she was lost.

Sobbing softly, tears streaming down her face, the witch drew the two of them close.

"Yes, my dears." she whispered. "You were magnificent."

A/N: There.

Emiya's dead. Completely.

And Medea is utterly, wholly besotted with her kids.

Lets face it; they had a week to win her over before the fights started.

Our crazy little witch never stood a chance against their charms from the beginning.

I mean, they may be teenagers, but anyone willing to take a hit for her earns high marks in her book.

Just because I don't often kill people in the opening acts, people complain. I suppose you can't please everyone, but I still want to make people happy. That seems to be a flaw with me. I like to see smiles, to know that I made the world a better place with

Duo!Naruto/Naruko are both a treat to write.

As ever, this will be taken down in two days if people don't like it. So by all means dear readers, do let me know what you think! This story's been quite a long time in coming-on the backburner for a while indeed-and it'll have some fan favorites...

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...review, would you kindly?

And enjoy the previews!

You want more pain?!

Fine. Here. Have it~!

Is this enough?!

(Previews)

"I don't feel so god...

Berserker howled.

It was a sound of such heartbreak that Medea felt something in her shatter.

"Ay! Stop, stop stop!" Quetzalcoatl waved her hands emphatically! "I come in peace! Peace, do you hear me?! Big sister comes in peace!"

Naruto's head popped up over the barrier. "Why should we trust you?"

"Look, kid. I don't want to fight you. Just take my hand, okay? I'll take you back to your brother."

She shook her head and stepped back from him. "No! Stay away! I'm not...I can't...

"Oi! Calm down! I'm not going to-

"I SAID STAY AWAY!"

Cu didn't even have time to gasp as a clawed hand tore through his chest and found his heart. He didn't curse them. Didn't condemn them. He just...coughed. Red eyes widened in surprise as a thin line of blood ran down the corner of hi. Even here, at the end, he had believed in her. He hadn't thought she would attack her. Too late, the berserk blond realized what she'd done. Gasping, she tore her palm free and stumbled away.

"No...no...I didn't mean to...!"

R&R! =D