AN: We really made this borderline unreadable, didn't we? This is an illegible manuscript.
Anyway, happy birthday, Subaru.
Cappy Strikes Back: Gacha IF
A week had passed in the blink of an eye. The citizens of Lugunica no longer had eyebags, yawned every so often, or took naps while working, all thanks to the terror of the Sin Archbishop of Lust being gone. After her latest broadcast, she had vanished from Od Laguna, leaving behind only a note saying "I can't deal with this" on the recently destroyed studio.
Not even her two friends/workmates/slaves Meili Portroute and Elsa Granhiert could find her. Not that they even tried to begin with. Where could the famed Capella, host of Capella Radio, have gone?
The answer, obviously, was the only place no one would ever think of: the Royal Castle itself.
Capella was curled into a ball, taking a nap on a couch she made up by stealing a bunch of pillows from the King's bed. The only light in the room was a cozy light blue originating from a pedestal in the middle of the room. A bunch of squares, triangles, and other complicated mathematical bullshit was sealing a bunch of glass bottles with a dark, oozy liquid inside.
She woke up with a groan, stretching her body while yawning. Rubbing her eyes, she walked towards the seal, sticking her hand inside without a problem. No alarm rang out, no doors were suddenly shut. It was as if the seal was never there.
The door was kicked open while Capella was drinking the sealed dragon blood like it was orange juice. She blinked a few times in quick succession in response to suddenly being flash-banged by sunlight, and once her eyes adjusted, she saw the intruder.
The source of all… most… a few of her problems. Ley Batenkaitos.
"Yo, Cappy, how's life going?"
"You." Capella's eyes fixated on Ley, and her grip on the glass intensified until it broke apart, scattering tiny pieces of glass everywhere. Her tone was anything but friendly.
"So, uh, we came here to say sorry and all of that." He coughed onto his fist, getting his throat ready. For a split second Capella saw the glimmer of his eyes vanish. Was he truly going to apologize for ruining her business and kidnapping her child?
"We made a severe and continuous lapse in our judgment, and we don't expect to be forgiven. We're simply here to apologize. There are a lot of things we should have done differently but we didn't. And for that, from the bottom of our heart, we're sorry. We want to apologize to anyone who was a fan of the show. We want to apo-"
Ley recited his words with a robotic tone. There wasn't a single ounce of regret in his words, it felt like he was just reciting a quote from a book. With every word Capella gripped her fists with more and more force, until she couldn't suppress her rage anymore and jumped toward him, aiming to turn Ley Batenkaitos into Ley Noheadkaitos.
Ley stepped out of the way just in time, leaving Capella to stumble to the ground. She recovered and pounced back like a feline, turning her right hand into a dragon claw and slashing at his throat. Once her claw made contact with his skin, a metallic clang rang out and the blow was deflected.
"Why won't you die!?" she screamed out, launching a flurry of attacks that all bounced off Ley's body.
"Cope and seethe, Cappy. Our skin hardens in response to physical trauma," he answered, standing still while Capella continued her futile attempt of hurting him. "But let's talk about something else… We might have gone too far the other day, so-"
Capella launched a final blow straight at Ley's stomach and then shook her fist. If only Pandora hadn't forbid them from using their authorities on other archbishops…
"Bullshit. You expect me to believe that you are truly sorry?" she spat out. "After taking my beloved child Roy away from me!?"
Ley ignored her, strolling towards the hand-made couch and sitting down with his legs wide open, resting his arms on the back.
"So, anyways, as we were going to say, we have decided to help you." Capella didn't buy his words, staring at him with a piercing gaze. "We realized that our small gourmet restaurant was bullshit, why would we sell our food to others instead of eating it? Moreover, thanks to the teachings of Sigma Chaddenton, we have more money than we can use. So why not do a little act of charity?"
He gestured Capella to come closer and, seeing her puzzled expressions, he knew. She was starting to trust him.
"So, this is our plan, Cappy." He ignored Capella's rebuke after a vein popped in her forehead. "We will help you start a new business, one that will bring us tons of money, so we can eat more gourmet delicacies and you can restart your radio. So, what do you think?"
"Go on, keep going," she spoke, taking a sip of dragon blood.
"First, do you know what an NFT is?" She shook her head. "We'll explain. It stands for Non Fungible Token. It all starts with a monkey… or a hampter in your case."
"Can you feed the hampter?" she asked, holding her chin with her left thumb, deep in thought.
"No, but you can sell the hampter, then buy another. And then you sell that one, so you can buy another hampter, and-"
"But what do I do after buying and selling all those NFTs?"
Ley shut his mouth, unsure how to answer Capella's argument.
"Why would you buy them just to sell them as fast as you can? And what happens if you can't sell them? What idiot would fall for such a scam!?"
Ley clacked his tongue, looking away from Capella. He took a deep breath, then spoke. "It's okay, we have another idea for you. But it could be dangerous. It could bring a great catastrophe to Lugunica, something even worse than the Witch of Envy!"
"Getting rich and destroying the country? You have all of my interest."
"Then, welcome. Welcome, to the hell that is… gacha."
Capella Emerada Lugunica was having a good day. Her new business had started strong and money was flowing into her pocket. Her three adorable sla-, children, had returned and started working like usual: Meili acted as a cute girl giving the modified communication mirrors for free, drawing in more poor souls to have all their money siphoned by anime girls. Elsa was acting as Ley's maid, dressed in a maid outfit and bringing food and beverages to Capella's accomplice.
And finally, Roy was making sure that the Gustekian Revenue Service wouldn't interfere in Mama's plans for Lugunica's downfall. Of course, he did so by eating every single poor taxer who got even remotely close to Capella & Co. main offices.
Getting everything set up hadn't been an simple task: she had to use what little fortune she still had and borrow a loan from Ley in order to acquire a large number of communication mirrors. Modifying them hadn't been easy, but she managed to establish a network connection to their office, as well as introduce a completely new function.
They decided to name it Laguna Impact and, according to Ley, it was an "action role-playing game featuring an open-world environment and an action-based battle system using elemental magic and character-switching", whatever that all meant. Sounded like gibberish.
The journey had been long and hard, but it was all worth it in the end. The day Laguna Impact launched, it barely attracted anyone given the steep prices of the metias required to play, but once the king received the news of the product…it exploded in popularity.
Soon, everyone in Lugunica was playing it. From children, to merchants, to nobles, to the queen herself. Kids spent their allowance trying to obtain characters based on heroes such as Shaula or Reid. Rumors spread between merchants that rolling Hoshin of the Wilderness would make your business attract more customers. One of the biggest whales, BeakoIsTheCutest, spent a whopping 12% of the national budget trying to obtain a single copy of the Lolimancer.
One lackluster unit, Petelgeuse Romanee-Conti (Sloth), didn't offer anything worthwhile for any stage of the game, be it for beginners or hardcore competitive gamers. Even then, a particular someone rolled ten copies of him. A truly dedicated individual, they had managed to roll 10 copies of every version of Petelgeuse, including Sloth, Sane, Abomination, and even Spirit.
Truly, Ley wasn't lying when he said this could be worse than the Great Calamity. Lugunica was doomed to an economic collapse, and there was no one who could take their gazes away from their metias to notice. Or was there?
Sitting on a chair with her feet on top of the desk, Capella was preparing to release a new batch of units. One of the advantages of being the creator of a gacha game is that if your lovely self ever stops gaining attraction, you can always release a new version so people have to roll for a copy.
And that was exactly what she was doing, finely tuning the five-star unit Emerald Capella so everyone interested in competitive battles had to get a copy. Ley then strolled inside her office, a slice of apple pie in his left hand and a white envelope in his right.
He took a bite off the pie, then threw the envelope towards Capella - who caught it with an arm that suddenly sprouted out of her back - and sat on a couch full of crumbs. She tore apart the seal, adorned with a white big hat, and quickly read the letter.
Anastasia Hoshin wanted to organize a meeting and discuss the possibility of annexing her company, as well as expanding into Kararagi, Vollachia, and Gusteko. She put the mirror metia on the desk and threw the letter back to Ley.
He caught it mid-air, slurped his fingers clean, then gave it a quick read as well. "We are not going," he declared, tearing away the piece of paper.
Capella leaned backwards on her chair, dangerously close to falling to the ground. Being absorbed by the Hoshin company would mean she could expand even further, but also that her earnings would be gutted in half. Besides, Ley was already taking a good part just to spend them on sweets and enough food to satisfy the Great Rabbit.
But she needed the money! Especially so she could rebuild Capella Radio, and improve it even further! Adding lights, screens, live performances, and tips for Laguna Impact! She'd call it… CapellaRT! Standing for Capella Real Time!
The decision was made. She would talk with Anastasia Hoshin and find a way to bring back Capella Radio.
"Miss Lugunica, thank ya for comin' to this talk!" Anastasia spoke cheerfully, motioning for her to sit down in one of the chairs facing her desk. "First off all, let me commend ya for the great economic success ye've had recently!"
Capella didn't trust her for a second, but it was a necessary evil. Sacrifices had to be made for Capella Radio to come back better than ever, so she would play along with the businesswoman's schemes…for now. "Thank you, thank you," the Sin Archbishop said. "The idea came to me in a low moment, you know? Ever since the radio went down, I've been struggling to make ends meet."
It was a load of crap, but she had to at least try to appeal to the merchant queen's sympathy. "That's tragic," Anastasia replied with overly-dramatic sadness in her tone. "I know 't feels, ya know? But enough reminscin' on the past, let's talk business!"
Even Capella felt whiplash at the greedy gal's sudden change in attitude. "Alright! Now, is there any way to not, uhh…have my company annexed?"
"Nope!"
"I see," the Archbishop responded thoughtfully. "In that case, what about joint ownership over Laguna Impact? You could deal with all the marketing stuff and what not and I'd be the uh…developer." She was seriously hoping for anything that may let her retain control of her newly-founded gacha empire. "Oh, and I'll add in an NFT for free!"
Anastasia seemed interested. "Eneftee?"
"Yes," Capella affirmed with a smug grin. She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out an adorable drawing of a cute hamster with blond hair and a red scarf, sticking her right hand high in the sky, closely resembling a certain ex-Royal Candidate. "See, this is an NFT."
"Tha's a hampter," the other woman pointed out.
"Nope, it's an NFT! You see, you can-"
"I'm not interested, thank you. What would ya even do with tha' drawing? Sell it?"
"But, the blockchain! It will, uhhh…" She looked away from Anastasia's inquisitive gaze and her smile full of superiority.
The merchant dragged her hand across the desk, leaving a sheet of paper right in front of Capella. "What if ya sign this and we call it a deal? Time is money, after all~" She pushed a small bottle full of ink with a feather slightly submerged inside.
Capella stared down at both before sighing and accepting her fate. She gave the document a good and slow read, making sure to check even the smallest letter. 'Right to make any change we desire', 'right to stop the service at any point', '60% of the revenue will go to the Hoshin Company', 'unlimited gems for rolling for Anastasia Hoshin, the Pearlbaton siblings, Julius Juukulius, and Ricardo', 'possibility of being called at any time to cuddle with Anastasia…'
Every single one of those terms simply couldn't be accepted. Ley was already taking 30% of the revenue by doing nothing, she'd end up with nothing despite doing all the work! And she wouldn't be reduced to a mere pillow for cuddling!
"Are you sure we can't come up with a better deal?" Anastasia shook her head, taking the feather off the ink cup and holding it in her hands, enticing Capella to snatch it off her hands. "You already expanded from Kararagi into Lugunica, you don't want to also expand to Gusteko? I can help with that! I know everything about evading taxes there!"
"Hmm…" Anastasia put the plume back where it was. She rested her elbows on the desk while intertwining her fingers, surely planning something.
"Ya see, Capella, there are some…unsavory rumors about your persona. They say you're involved in torture," she held up one finger. "Murder, kidnappin', treason…tha' list goes on." With every crime, she kept raising her fingers and ended with a shrug. "Won't this kind of deal ruin my reputation?"
Capella put on a shocked expression, though it was completely false. "Kidnapping!? Why, children need sleep to grow, don't they!? I'm doing them a favor!"
"Hm," Anastasia mumbled, bringing a finger to her chin in thought. It was a good argument. "Aight, then, what about th' torture?"
"Pssht, torture!? As if! All those poor shmucks are livin' just fine and dandy! I got 'em all spinning the wheel on my favorite gacha game!" Then, her smile turned menacing, deranged. "After all, how else is this lovely lady supposed to make her…impact?"
"Still," the other complained. "Ya realize this coulda ruin mah reputation?"
"You see, Anastasia, I have a dream." Capella stood up, her right hand in front of her chest. "A dream to save all future children of this country. Gacha is a cruel parent, but an effective teacher. Its final lesson is carved deep in my Od: That this country and all its people are diseased. The Dragon is a myth. The Sword Saint is a joke."
"We are all pawns, controlled by something greater: Our emotions. They shape our will. They are the culture, they are everything we pass on. Expose someone to anger long enough, they will learn to hate. And I will take advantage of that. I shall make everyone addicted to gambling, force them to spend every single penny they have! And then, once the country is in tatters, Laguna Impact will be gone. Everyone will be forced to look at what Lugunica has become: A rotted country with limp-dick rulers, full of Royal Candidate trivia and archbishops bullshit. And then, they will rise. Lugunica will be reborn, stronger than ever!"
Her motivational speech finished, she extended a hand towards Anastasia. Of course, she had hidden her true motivation. A reborn Lugunica? Pff, the only good Lugunica was a buried one! All she cared about was her radio, the country's downfall was just the icing on the cake.
"What do you say, Anastasia? Am I finally getting through? Will you join me in my plan to return this country back to it's old glory?"
After a long minute of deliberation, Anastasia grabbed her hand, giving it a good, firm handshake. "We have a deal," she declared.
Capella leaned back on her chair, sipping her coffee. Newspapers laid all around her with various headlines: "Laguna Impact hits forty million players," "SiriusXM announces new studio," "Vanquisher of Evil, the Almighty, the Loved By All, the Magical Idol Girl Pandora-chan breaks records with a new album."
Only two weeks after her deal with Anastasia, her business was booming! Laguna Impact was bigger than ever before, and new units were released weekly! One of these new units, the Cappybara (a five-star), was beloved by the entire community. Nearly everyone ruined themselves financially trying to get it!
But what had truly been the icing on the cake was the release of a gray-haired loli with eyes covered in pitch-black darkness. Sales in Vollachia exploded, all of the Cappy Gems being bought from the Crystal Palace by the ex-emperor's ex-brother. Apparently, Pandora had forgotten to revive Stride. No one seemed to miss him…or even remember him, for that matter.
That, of course, prompted her to think: after 12% of Lugunica's budget and 27% of Vollachia's became hers, the answer to earning as much money as possible was obvious. She'd need to release units tailored specifically to satisfy the richest individuals! Rumors had spread about the king and queen's marriage falling apart due to the king paying more attention to the gacha than the queen, so why not capitalize on that? Swimsuit alts! Wedding outfits! Casual clothes! A risky lingerie unit deleted after some drama, making it even more exclusive and expensive, forcing the king to buy a new account and start all over!
Truly, a flawless plan! She could already imagine herself swimming in a sea of gold while the world was falling apart. The Great Gachamity would never be recorded in history, for there would be no history to be written anymore!
Though, something did bother her. Her own units were falling behind in popularity, and she was getting tired of "silencing" those who opposed her oppressive marketing strategy of releasing more and more variations of herself, each character even stronger than the last.
She needed a bold plan of action, and she needed it now. If she could find a way to increase her own popularity…
And suddenly, she had it: Gachapella.
It was so obvious, so clear! She could shapeshift others, right? So what if she made every unit in the game…look like her!? A truly devious plan, fit for a lovely lady like herself! All she would do was release a sneaky patch and voila!
With haste, she hurried to the nearest game mirror and began coding the new patch, all while giggling maniacally to herself. This was going to be, as Ley had once put it, the most "devious lick" ever. A "troll" worthy of international headlines! If it all went as planned, it was going to be marvelous!
After an hour or so of coding, the Archbishop finished her diabolical plan. All that was left was to upload the patch and wait!
Which is exactly what she did.
Chaos soon spread across the nation once people logged into the game and saw all of their units replaced by the Sin Archbishop of Lust. Seeing Capella's head being poorly copy-pasted into the body of Old Man Rom was a horrific sight, but the biggest offender was the Great Rabbit. A horde of small Capellas was the worst thing many could have ever laid their eyes upon. Though some did appreciate getting to see Priscilla Barielle in Capella's skimpy outfit…
Something, however, was wrong. Despite having an infinite number of arms, in her rush, she had missed one unit: Mimi Pearlbaton, which had her name replaced with Capella Pearlbaton, but not the sprite. News spread far and wide, and soon people were taking solace in that single png of hope.
Capella's plan, of course, backfired. For the first time ever, people were leaving the game! She wasn't earning money, she was losing it! And demand for Mimi alternative outfits skyrocketed: Marshmallow Mimi, Cuddling Mimi, Mimi with Anastasia's hat, Sword Saint Mimi…
And that wasn't all! Soon afterward, rumors began to spread: why was Mimi the only one unaffected by this sudden change? It was surely intentional! There had to be some significance! Surely, surely, this meant that…Mimi was…the real Sin Archbishop?
Capella was amazed by people's ability to conjure stupid theories. What was next, the king being the sage? The Court Mage leading the witch cult?
"Yo," a voice said from behind her, making her all but jump in fear. "How's it going Cappy?"
It was Ley Batenkaitos, and he didn't seem happy. Currently holding one of his daggers in his hand, he gazed down at Capella, making her feel like a rabbit in front of a starving wolf.
"Going good, we hope. You see," he started spinning the dagger around, examining the edges, twirling it around his fingers. "We were eating slow-poached eggs with bacon dust and parmesan foam, you know, some truly gourmet breakfast, when we noticed something was wrong."
"Did, uhh… Did the chef forget the sauce…?"
Ley gave a small chuckle. "Silly Cappy, we would never forget how to prepare a truly gourmet dish. What we noticed was that our beloved sister was gone."
Capella gulped. How stupid of her to forget that Ley was the first Laguna Impact player. She held her chin with her right hand, acting as if she had no idea why he was so angry.
"She was helping Wrath with her therapy business. Or at least before that harlot dared to steal my place after I dismantled Capella Radio. Have you looked inside the Hall of Memories?"
"Don't joke with us, Cringepella Betarada Ligmagunica," he spat that nickname with nothing but sheer hate. "We know what you did. Our beloved sister is gone, replaced by you!" He scrambled inside one of the pockets on the back of his cape, taking out his own communication mirror and shoving it on Capella's face.
"Look! Our maxed-out Louis Arneb, gone! Our maxed-out Louis Arneb (Impostor), gone! Our maxed-out Louis Arneb (Child), also gone! All of them, replaced by your ugly face! You know what I think about this, Cappy?"
"W-What is it?"
"That your life literally is as valuable as a silver-haired half-elf's. We're just gonna stomp you, you're gonna keep coming back. You serve no purpose in life, your purpose in life is to give us your money."
He spat the words with such hatred, such rage, that - somehow - faint lightning began to form around him.
"Your life is nothing, you serve ZERO purpose. You should kill yourself, NOW! And give somebody else a piece of that oxygen. Cause what are you here for? You're not even gourmet. Kill yourself! We mean that with a hundred percent, with a thousand percent."
Capella was completely left in shock. Such rage, such style, such a way with words… she just couldn't take it. Ley had defeated her in a battle of words before she even had the chance to speak. There was no coming back from this.
"You better fix this, Cappy. Or getting your radio back will be the last of your worries." She gave a weak nod in response, like a scared puppy, and then Ley disappeared as fast as he came.
It didn't take long for a formal apology to be made and for all of the changes to be reversed. In the end, the Gachapella event didn't even last for a full day. Things went back to normal, except for a diminished rate of new units being released.
Capella was still draining everyone's pockets, just at a slower pace. The last thing she needed was Ley coming back or establishing his own business to compete with her. He'd certainly be able to do it.
With SiriusXM on the rise, she was getting more and more anxious. Money kept flowing into her dragon hoard, but it still wasn't enough. Not to build CapellaRT from scratch without help from Pandora.
But maybe, just maybe, it would be enough for Capella Radio to come back?