Kendrix stood stock still on the roof of a rusted out car, somewhere deep in the Cosmodrome. He did his best to keep his breathing calm and regular, resisting the urge to shift his position as the strong breeze pulled at his robes.
He held his Duke firmly with both hands, eyes staring unblinkingly down its sights at the form of the Fallen Captain slinking through the scrap some fifty meters in front of him.
Steady now. He's in range, but only just. Your aim has to be perfect.
I know. Kendrix mentally replied, trying not to let his irritation distract him. He heard a whispered beep of encouragement off to his right, from where Nova's robotic form crouched within the ruins of an ancient fuel depot. Kendrix gave the slightest of nods in reply, then took a deep breath, completely focused on the Captain.
So focused that he didn't see the Warsat silently screaming out of the sky right towards him.
The falling satellite was moving so fast that it hit Kendrix before the sound of its descent even reached his ears, and well before he was ready to react. The five-ton dodecahedron took him from the waist up, ripping his torso and head off of his legs in the blink of an eye. While Kendrix's legs fell unceremoniously to the ground, the snow around them speckled with red, his upper body was reduced to a streak of blood, bone, and other assorted viscera stretching from the car to where the Warsat had landed some two hundred meters further down the road, peppered along the way with the bronze of armor fragments and the crimson of shredded robes.
Proxima flashed into existence, eye wide and bright with shock and terror, while Nova leapt from his hiding place, arc rifles at the ready. For a moment, both artificial beings were too confused to speak. And then…
"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!"
Y-O-U- -B-A-S-T-A-R-D-S-!-!-!
AN: Was naming my main character, who dies in virtually every chapter, a variation of Kenny just a coincidence? Or was this entire nearly 80,000 word fanfiction just the longest-ever set up to a South Park reference?
Happy April Fools, you filthy animals.