Lavi is my forty-ninth name. That's how many battles I've seen.
Hidden history refers to those events that are excluded from the history that people know about. I became a bookman so that I could learn things that no one else knows.
I was a piece of work then. Still me, but not the me everybody knows now.
"Everywhere I go there's strife. I've seen how foolish this species can be." The thought and various renditions of it came to mind a number of times.
That day, Bookman as void of emotion as ever, with a side glance, told me plain and simple: "Lavi. Try not to make waves."
I knew we were going to be there a while. It was made clear with little words. I had deemed the room filthy, and being my adolescent self, I felt the need to declare this as if it weren't already obvious. Papers strewn across the room, sitting on the couch beside me in Komui's office for the first time, the old panda explained to me that this was headquarters. With a smirk, somehow different from the present, I answered dutifully,
"I'll smile and get close to them like I always do." It was a mission, and that made it easy.
"Measure me?" I found myself asking sometime in the following week of joining the Order. Baffled, I clarified, "Does it have to fit perfectly?"
The shorter man shook with excitement at this idea it seemed, and from what I could see (as he was very much close to my face at the time). Pulling a measuring tape from his pocket and holding it proudly for us all to see, he exclaimed,
"A well-fitting uniform is essential! It's easier fighting Akuma when your uniform fits." As if an afterthought, he added (I soon learned his name was Johnny), "Shall we make a bandanna for you too?"
Reever, another from the science department attempted to reel Johnny in a little, even though it really didn't do anything.
"you're our friend now. We all want to look out for you." Beside me, a girl with a semi-bandaged face and two long pig-tails said, patting my back. Lenalee had welcomed me first upon officially becoming an exorcist of The Black Order. Later I would see this becoming a regular thing for her. Gently she added, "So get fitted." We left the mess hall soon after.
Smiling and playing my part, I of course agreed to be fitted with virtually no fight. I even told Johnny to throw the bandanna in with the uniform. Currently mine was really just a black piece of excess cloth I had gotten my hands on. Johnny looked pleased and even Reever did as well. He was a lot more laid back than he let himself show most of the time. Lenalee grinned the widest, and maybe the deepest.
It was the biggest war against the Akuma I'd ever seen. And for the first time I appeared in the historical record as a soldier. A part of me couldn't quite warp my brain around the idea of being an exorcist.
'Well, I hope they don't expect too much for me,' I partially recall thinking at one time.
One year...
Two years...
My time with the Order passed quickly.
In time I no longer knew, whether my smile was genuine or an act. I think, looking back I can somewhat pinpoint when that feeling of doubt started to form. The moment I realized I might not be cut out to be what a bookman is required to be. And it had always been there, my reason.
I felt confident upon meeting him. Allen Walker, the 'Destroyer of Time' as the old panda had explained to me once. I liked him. Polite, but still had spunk. Secretive, yet smiled and hid behind a mask of his own.
The old man's words became harder to remember.
That time in the Arc, fighting Tyki, Road and time itself, Road's dream scape still lingers vividly.
Allen holding his black ace of spades: "I dropped this card. You never told Bookman about it, did you."
Gramps was there too: "You've failed as a bookman. Lavi...You are no longer a bookman."
I knew it was only the girl's illusions, but at the time, road was right. My heart had died. I don't remember nor did I ever hear Allen's words once I lost to my past selfs ideas and awareness much further than before. I regretfully do know what I said.
"I'm nobody's friend." Lenalee had also been the first to call me such. I had dismissed the notion, her kind welcome to be a part of something so unique. A home.
Road hadn't been wrong in one way however. A bookman is an impartial observer. She claimed in truth, sadly, that I only joined the Order to record events. That was my true purpose. And you can't escape truth. I said more than I care to specify. It's naive, but forgive and forget. Even to yourself.
Looking yourself in the face, quite literally (even if it's in a Noah's dream scape) is discombobulating as it gets.
"You're Lavi number forty-nine. You're supposed to be just like me. Why aren't you like the other forty-eight Lavi's? Why are you different?" My other self says to me. Even as I think this I know it's crazy. But the golden question was that; why am I different? I've only ever been a bookman-in-training.
I could throw my name away and don a new one, with the same ideas and straight jacket morals. People needed companionship with other people, I was an exception. I made Lavi one, all the way through Lavi number forty-nine believe this. I had wanted it all along, and I let myself slowly learn to love and want to need another. I just had to wait to wake up.
My savior showered in white helped me with that. Allen Walker was more like me than I knew, and still so different. I kept the others away, and he let them in. Both still hiding. In time we also took away the mask between our friends and honesty. No one wants to be alone.
I had found the home I had always wanted. I didn't have an image or idea in my head what it should look like, so I handy realized I had found the impossible.
Now the Black Order is far behind both of us. Allen told me so many weeks ago in the cell that kept anything resembling a brighter future than what he was given to imagine, that he thought he had lost his yume. Our home wasn't lost, and it isn't now.
Home is a word with a feeling. I don't have the capability to explain that feeling. It's no use pretending. House, shack, abode, woods, mansion, castle, a pub even. You can live anywhere. But you can't call everywhere home. It has to feel like home. And mine is right by my side, in London, in this pub; with our friends hundreds of miles away, and making new ones.
(Line Break)
Lavi set his pen down. The ink on the first few pages had already dried, but the newest words needed time. The door opened, and a familiar face smiled. A golden blur moved passed him, landing on Lavi's shoulder.
"What are you doing? You'll miss all the fun!" Allen quickly crossed the room and stood behind Lavi's chair.
"What's all this?" he asked. Lavi smiled.
"Tomorrow, after the fun and letting the ink dry, you can read it. But for now, we have obligations." Lavi stood and grabbed Allen's hand. "I believe we're late as it is."
"Your funny," Allen replied sarcastically, and lovingly. Grinning, they both headed together to share drinks with friends after hours.