I had just fully started classes again when I made one of the worst decisions of my life. We had a day off, and I had physical therapy.
Basically, I wasn't getting better. I still couldn't move my legs at all. I don't want to bore you with details, but I'm probably never going to get to walk again.
When I went home, everyone was gone. John was out with Herc and Laf. I was alone.
"Yep." I say, laughing a little. "I'm alone. Which means I can do whatever I want." Yes, I know I was talking to myself. But, who cares? No one was there to judge. I was all alone.
You know what I haven't had in a while...I think as I go into the kitchen. Alcohol. Any sort of alcohol. I haven't gotten drunk since getting thrown in this chair.
"Then again, Alexander who could walk was much easier to deal with." I say, looking around. I smile and reach up to get a bottle of liquor from the shelf. It wasn't far up, and I got it. I also crashed into the floor.
The bottle was okay, but my legs were kind of awkwardly crushed underneath the chair. Who gives a shit? I can't feel 'em. I laugh at that thought and open the bottle.
"To me, and my poor life decisions." I say, smiling as I raise the bottle. "And to drowning feelings." Then, with a small nod to the invisible company I had, I started drinking.
—
I don't remember much, but I do recall finding a bottle of vodka...or something. It was in a lower cabinet underneath the sink. Probably Laf's or whoever's. There was another one too, but I didn't bother reading the label. It was small though. I also remember throwing the empty bottles across the room as I thought about Thomas. And John. Herc, Laf, everyone. But mostly me. How screwed up I am.
I can't stop writing, even when I know I should. I can't just take a break. I can't do anything right. All I had to do was look both ways before crossing the street. Something a child learns to do. If I had just done that, I wouldn't be stuck here. Stuck, laying on the cold tile floor...wishing everything was different. If it were, I could get up. I could help people. I could do...something. Anything.
The last thing I remembered was John, opening the door. His freckled face, and adorable curls. He was laughing, and so was Herc. Laf was waving a small French flag. They were perfect, the three of them. I was with them once, laughing as we walked into the dorm. After walking home from the bar, after having a great time together.
How did it all come to this?
—John's Perspective—
"That was crazy." I say, laughing as we walked into the dorm. Something seemed off as soon as we walked in, and me almost stepping on a piece of broken class confirmed it. Something was wrong. Oh, oh no. Oh god, what happened?!
"Wait, where's Alex?" I ask, looking at the floor around me. It looked like...bottles? There was another one not too far away, it was completely smashed. As if someone had thrown it.
The door was locked, so the only one who could have thrown it was-
"John!" Laf nearly screamed. I turned my head in his direction, and what I saw made my stomach churn.
It was Alex, laying on the floor. His wheelchair, which was on its side, looked as if it were crushing his legs, and he was clutching a smaller bottle. He didn't even look drunk, he looked peaceful. More peaceful than he's been in a while. I think that's what made me sick the most.
I tried to speak, to yell orders, something! But I couldn't, I just stood there. Laf helped Herc pick him up, and then we were off to the hospital. I was cradling Alex in the backseat, whispering to him. Trying anything that could get him to wake up. Please, please let him wake up. Please.
We got to the hospital and Herc tore Alex away from me. I nearly screamed and grabbed him back, but I didn't. I got out of the car.
I never really realized how small Alex was. Of course, he was always short compared to us. But I never really saw it.
I nearly threw up again when we got into the hospital where Herc was already. Alex was limp in Herc's arms, like he was already dead. Laf guided me to a chair at one point and started talking, but I didn't hear anything. It was just white noise as I squeezed my eyes shut. I just wanted this to be a dream. I could wake up and Alex would be next to me, he would be okay. He would be sleeping peacefully, cuddled into my chest like every other morning.
—
I fell asleep next to the vending machine. I would stand up every time the doctor or a nurse walked into the waiting room. But they didn't tell me anything. Laf and Herc were sleeping next to me for a bit too.
"John Laurens?" My eyes snapped open as I heard my name. I quickly stood up, my legs buckled at the sudden movement. I had to lean against the vending machine for a moment.
"That's me. Is he okay? Will he be okay?" It all came out in a rush. I wanted to know. I needed to know.
"Not yet, exactly." The doctor says with a sigh. "He drank a lot for a small guy. We're working on it though. Hopefully he'll be okay by tomorrow."
"Okay." I whisper, sliding back down to the floor. I looked over at Herc and Laf. They were snuggled against each other. Sleeping. There was so much time between now and tomorrow.
So I did what I could. I cried. I cried because I wasn't there for Alex, and now everything was going wrong. I saw he was gradually going downhill, but I didn't think it would come to this. Whatever this was. Did he purposely try to kill himself? What the hell was going through his head?
You can ask him. Okay? Just stay positive. He'll get better. You'll help him this time. I take a deep breath. I'll help him this time.
Hours later I heard my name again.
"John Laurens?" I looked up. "He's gonna be okay." The nurse says.
Hi there guys! So I'm gonna have a poll (if I can figure out how :P) please, please, pleaaaaase go look and vote. I would really appreciate it :]
(And it 100% influences my nest decisions since the school year started)