After getting separated from his band of dwarf mateys and little Bilbo in the Mirkwood forest, Jack Sparrow stumbles upon the great Elvin king Thranduil's magnificent, generously supplied wine cellar! Hilarity ensues!

"He's a pirate!" One of the guards breathed. Thranduil's piercing blue eyes were sizzling.

"How can this be?" He demanded. "Who let this...this filthy sea rat slip passed their allegedly watchful eyes and worm his way into my palace?" The king was not pleased with this unexpected, intrusive events at all. First dwarves, and now this?! He thought. "Which one of you let down your guard? Which one?" He squinted dangerously.

"I assure you, Sire, I..." One of the guards swallowed timidly.

"I am not prepared to listen to your lame excuses." Thranduil cut him off. "Remove this infernal trespasser at once! Throw him in the dungeons!"

"Ahem. Begging your pardon, my lord," Feren spoke up, "But I believe each of the cells are already occupied, by the thirteen dwarves." Thranduil stiffened.

"We even had to throw a couple in the same cells to ensure that each would be locked up!" Another guard pointed out. Thranduil squared his shoulders.

Not what I wanted to hear! He fumed under his breath. The pirate snorted loudly and began mumbling. Thranduil nodded and the guards drew their bows. Jack was grunting incoherently.

"Nah...toss him…oi...the whe...oi...me rum...Izzie...no..." Jack started coming to. "Noo. Lizzie! Noooo!" Jack hollered frantically and roughly turning onto his side, tumbled off the bench and collapsed on the floor, breaking the wine bottle he'd been holding as it crashed. Thranduil grew bristled. An entire good wine, just wasted! Jack slowly opened his glazed eyes and wagged his head, which made him dizzy. He grimaced. He blinked as figures in front of him took on blurry forms. Jack smiled and held up his index finger.

"Ahh." He gurgled, clumsily trying to get to his feet. "Might I ask...any of you...could someone...please explain...why is the rum gone?" Jack pouted, growing cross-eyed.

"There is a pirate, in my palace! In my kingdom!" Thranduil growled.

"Well, then it's your lucky day!" Jack announced gleefully, still staggering. Then he looked around among the other elves. "Have any of the three of you seen me ship?"

"Silence!" Feren hissed at Jack. "You are in the presence of the Elven king. For goodness' sake, show some respect!"

"King?" Jack frowned, still not clear in the head. "Ahh. All right. Where is he?" Jack asked, looking in every direction but right in front of him.

Someone is going to end up headless before the day is over! One the guards thought.

Thranduil stepped forward and stood before the drunken pirate, looking down his long nose at Jack. "Do you have any idea who I am, sea dog mutant?" Thranduil narrowed his eyes.

Jack blinked and cleared his throat, trying to focus, but his head felt like a beehive, and his mental acuity felt like cotton balls."Face seems familiar...have I threatened you before?" Jack asked nonchalantly. The elves stepped closer, tightening their hold on their bows, and glared at the pirate. They glanced at their king, anxiously waiting for him to give the order to shoot the interloper.

"If you had threatened Lord Thranduil, you'd be dead!" One of the elf guards hollered. Jack grimaced sourly.

"Oo. Don't think I would particularly like that turn of events." He shuddered.

"You are in the presence of King Thranduil, Son of Oropher, King of the Woodland Realm of Middle Earth." Feren said sternly. Jack winced in concentration.

"Doesn't ring a bell." He shrugged casually.

"Pathetic. Bring him along." Thranduil commanded. The guards grabbed Jack under his arms and dragged him to the throne room.

"Oui, now. We can talk about this." Jack rambled. "P-p-par...I invoke...par...par..." His current hangover IQ was robbing him of clear intellect. "Par..."

"Oh, do shut up, filthy pirate!" One of the elves snarled. Jack threw up his hands in surrender.

Thranduil dropped down onto his throne with a huff and glowered at the motley intruder as he was dragged before him. The elves dropped Jack and he staggered on his wobbly feet. "Who are you?" Thranduil began his interrogation stiffly. "State your name, pirate."

"Captain...Jack Sparrow." Jack grimaced, holding his head. The rough escort had not eased the buzzing in his head by a long shot. The elves began talking anxiously among themselves. Thranduil did slightly widen his eyes.

"Jack Sparrow..." He slurred in a condescending tone, "perhaps you would care to explain..."

"Captain, it's Captain Jack Sparrow." Jack corrected him. Thranduil clenched his fists.

"I've heard of him!" The guards sputtered. "He's dangerous...the tales they tell of him were said to be mere legend...how did he get here..." Thranduil rolled his eyes.

"Silence." He ordered.

"If I may ask, Your Highny, I invoke the right of..." Jack tried to speak.

"You will address me as I am known!" Thranduil boomed down at him. Jack winced. The yelling hurt his ears.

"With that being...said...I invoke the right of...par...par...what was that..." Jack groaned, truly frustrated. "Parsn...parsnip...no, no, no, that ain't it. Parsley...partner...par...par..."

"Enough of this rambling, you idiot." Thranduil said firmly. And I thought questioning Thorin Oakenshield was exasperating! At least he didn't speak like a feather brain! Him I could understand. "Speak, pirate! What are you doing in my realm? Tell me, Jack Sparrow."

Jack moaned. "Captain! It's Captain Jack Sparrow." Thranduil rolled his eyes and palmed his face. He was getting nowhere with this pathetic, sassy, blundering drunk.

"Captain Jack Sparrow," He said through gritted teeth, and rose to his feet, "I will ask you again, what are you doing in my kingdom?" Jack was blinking constantly, trying to clear his head.

"Par...par...parlou...parlileui...parlusk...nah! Par...parlis...parsru..." Jack muttered endlessly.

"Enough!" Thranduil growled. "Remove him." He ordered.

"Where do you wish we should put him, my lord?" Feren asked.

"Throw him in with the dwarves. Or...find another dungeon, further underground if you have to. Just get him out of here until I wish to question him again." Thranduil groaned in exasperation. Why?! This pirate was giving him mental fatigue.

"Ahh! I've got it!" Jack announced as he was dragged away. "I knew it'd come to me. Parley! Parley, that's it! Parley!" Thranduil scowled at him as he was removed.

"I hate pirates." He muttered.